A kind of AIBU - DH parenting our toddler?

[tiredtiredtiredmum]

My DH has been away all week with work. We have one lovely toddler who's at nursery part-time and I work part/time. So I've done all bedtimes, mornings etc obviously. I feel quite unhappy about the amount of work trips DH has and we are discussing potential future job changes so he can be at home more. But for now I've had to suck it up. I do feel exhausted and down about it all.
Today I was excited to have DH back and looking forward to it. This morning we all went to see Santa and this afternoon I have to work to prepare for a course I am teaching on tomorrow afternoon.

I suggested DH take toddler out for a walk in the park and then have some Christmas movie time. DH said he didn't want to take him out to the park. In his words it's cold and the World Cup is on.

My thing is that I try to take toddler out once each morning and afternoon (nap in between) even if only a run in the park. Toddler is extremely boisterous and I find an afternoon at home with him is long and draining, he ends up getting frustrated, plus I don't think it benefits his sleep. (We've had some trouble with bedtimes recently). DH said if toddler asks to go to the park he will but otherwise he won't. But the thing is toddler would always pick screen time over walk in the park if given the choice, but once he's there at the park he loves it.

We had a (non-shouty) disagreement about it and both got angry and I felt upset. I'm feeling pissed off after all the hard work I do during the week but not sure if I'm being unreasonable. This morning I asked DH to get toddler dressed and fed while I showered and he let him have snacks (2 x yoghurt pouches, berries and a dairyLea dunker tub) the last of which is not breakfast food. Toddler was emotional and erratic all morning and I wasn't sure if he was hungry, a bit overwhelmed by having his Daddy back or the change in routine suddenly, or if that was unconnected.

I feel structure is really important and I feel angry that DH has come back and just (in my view) been lazy. I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm being an uptight cow (he didn't say that but said no-one needs to be the perfect parent).

Am I just being resentful and uptight or am I reasonable here?

I know there's a bigger issue with his work which we are discussing. I feel his work needs to allow him to contribute to family life more. I get the sense I'm spiralling into a depression I think (I don't have wider family to support to it's just us and nursery).

If I was unwell I don't know what we would do.

Sorry for long post - just looking for a shoulder. Didn't want to post on AIBU as people can be unkind.

@tiredtiredtiredmum I’ve had one of those boisterous, full of energy toddler.
He needed routine.
He needed to run outside. Staying inside just created mayhem.
He needed food at very regular schedule. Missing a snack by half an hour would result in massive tantrums only calmed down by the arrival of food.

Whats going in here is that you are the one who is looking after your child, the one who has built a system that works fir them - no mighty tantrums, less climbing the walls, better sleep etc…
Your DH has no clue because …. He is away.

But when he comes back he wants some relaxing time. He wants the football (I doubt your toddler is going to watch the football so I’m guessing he wants to out his ds in front if the Tv fur 2 hours to he can have peace and quiet).
All that whilst you are WORKING.

So what I would do is ‘yep ok’. Leave him to it but also make clear HE is dealing with ds this afternoon and tonight and during the night. Let him deal with the tantrums. The fact he will be restless and not sleep well.
He needs to learn the same way you have. Trial and error (also called the hard way). But to do that he needs to be Jeff to it and be fully responsible if dealing with the consequences if his choices.

Btw I have some issues with the way some answers are put together, making somehow the OP responsible for the issue
she us micro managing
she doesn’t give him opportunities to be a parent his own way etc….

What about the fact her DH is nit there to be a parent and doesn’t trust the OP to have found the best way to deal with their toddler?
What about the fact he doesn’t recognise the fact that he isn’t involved that in his child’s life? And therefore might want to ASK the OP first (eg when you say snack, do you mean those pouches?)
What about the fact he is putting his interest in football first before the needs if his toddler?

And the fact I’m pretty sure he doesn’t care about the fact toddler will be unsettled at bedtime because he us expecting the OP to take over anyway. You know the old ‘you know how to deal with him’ attitude…. Because it’s the football. It’s the world cup blablabla

I have a two year old and I can empathise so much with wanting structure and routine. My dd is wild and boisterous and headstrong and wonderful. I have found that keeping a routine helps her behaviour and my MH.
I’ve been pretty militant with routine but the last month she has stopped napping out the blue. It has taught me a lot about letting go of being so rigid. I’ve just had to go with the flow more which has challenged me.
I guess my point is, as a mum, often the mental burden of everything lands with us (proper diet, sleep times, activities etc). I think for a while I’ve been trying to do everything right (by the book) and have neglected fun/spontaneity/flexibility.

I hope you’re ok. Parenting a two year old and working and balancing everything is hard x

The thing is, OP, the best way for dh to learn how to parent his child is to be left to it. Why are you even suggesting what he and ds should do while you are at work? Just go to work! Leave them be. He will sharp work out that a short walk is best because the child has loads of energy and won't sit still.

I'd be really pissed off if dh tried to micromanage how I spend my time with our child, and I don't do that with dh. His time, his shit to deal with his way.

I think PP are a bit harsh to you OP.
I totally see your side and also see DH's side.
However, let DH reap what he sows with his relaxed parenting and let him do bedtime. It will coincide nicely with the start of the match.
If toddler falls asleep then you know you can relax a bit more. If toddler doesn't fall asleep I would step in at 7:20 and tell DH he can watch the match but tomorrow night he's doing bedtime alone. And a run in the park tires toddler out.
Assuming you don't want to watch the match yourself

In his words it's cold and the World Cup is on.

Reasonable in my opinion. He watched the football. Son watches something on iPad.

is it ideal? No, but it is bloody cold and it is the World Cup.

the last of which is not breakfast food.

oh OP… for goodness sakes, pick your battles!!

I agree with this. I would leave him to it (don't suppose you can take a laptop to a café?), so that at least he experiences the consequences of ignoring your hard-earned experience!

I don't think you're being unreasonable.

You have standards and routines that work for your child. He is being lazy. You've done everything and he can't be bothered to take his child for a run about to burn off energy.

I’m not nitpicking. Nitpicking would be saying it’s not safe to give a child food in the car. I’m highlighting that you believe the food is appropriate for a child his age. It doesn’t matter if it’s for breakfast for a picnic, it’s a food which is suitable for a child.

I don't think yabu but you need to let your husband just get on with it and most importantly don't intervene if it goes sideways later in the evening. Your DH can deal with any fall out.

I think he sounds like a selfish tosser. I remember how important it is to get your toddler some fresh air everyday. I don't think you are being uptight. I just think he wants his own way and has less regard for your routines and rules. The really important game doesn't start til 7.

My Partner does absolutely nothing. All im saying is atleast he is involved , it may not be in the same way you parent but let him do things his way as long as hes involved

The toddler went out today, this morning. OP is suggesting dh takes him out again this afternoon.

Also, I'm totally with you about the dunkers: I hate individually-packaged food being eaten in the house. It's designed like that to be convenient for eating out! Of course it's different giving it to the toddler for a picnic and giving it in the house. Stop creating unnecessary waste, people!

And yet if you try to live with any responsibility for the planet, you're told you're hard work...

You need to start a thread about that in itself. Sounds shit

The OP’s issue with it was that it’s “not breakfast food”

bugger all to do with the environment 😂

I think your DH can parent how he sees fit, but only if he deals with the fall out.

He has chosen not to go to the park this pm, so he can also deal with a toddler who isn't tired enough to sleep at bed time.

Perhaps when your DH misses the football because he's dealing with a toddler who won't sleep he'll realise that a quick trip to the park would have been a good idea after all.

And do not step in and help him, remind him it was his choice not to give your DC physical exercise so he should deal with any negative consequences of that choice.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz the Op usually takes him out twice with nap in between.

It is too cold for the park, yogurt, fruit, and cheese are normal breakfast foods, and watching the football with your father is a great bonding moment.

It doesn't matter if your child has something which you'd mentally set aside for a car journey, OP.

I get the feeling that you're ready to find fault with your DH at the drop of a hat.

Let him deal with the toddler's bedtime. You can put your feet up.

You give the impression that it's only your way or the highway. Your DH is entitled to his view, too.

Load of rubbish. It's a food that's good enough for a child if your choice is restricted by you being outside, away from home. It's probably high salt though, so best saved for trips out when novelty value of food helps with routine changing.

Yes but your point was thar a child should go out once a day which they have. Good on the OP if she manages two trips out a day but it actually doesn't matter if its only once today really does it?

And it's dh time with dc so he can do what he likes.

Yes but he’d had a busy and exciting morning visiting Santa

so to make an exception on an exceptionally cold afternoon when the World Cup is on… is not a fight I’d be inclined to start