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Original poster

A kind of AIBU - DH parenting our toddler?

89 replies

tiredtiredtiredmum · 10/12/2022 15:29

My DH has been away all week with work. We have one lovely toddler who's at nursery part-time and I work part/time. So I've done all bedtimes, mornings etc obviously. I feel quite unhappy about the amount of work trips DH has and we are discussing potential future job changes so he can be at home more. But for now I've had to suck it up. I do feel exhausted and down about it all.
Today I was excited to have DH back and looking forward to it. This morning we all went to see Santa and this afternoon I have to work to prepare for a course I am teaching on tomorrow afternoon.

I suggested DH take toddler out for a walk in the park and then have some Christmas movie time. DH said he didn't want to take him out to the park. In his words it's cold and the World Cup is on.

My thing is that I try to take toddler out once each morning and afternoon (nap in between) even if only a run in the park. Toddler is extremely boisterous and I find an afternoon at home with him is long and draining, he ends up getting frustrated, plus I don't think it benefits his sleep. (We've had some trouble with bedtimes recently). DH said if toddler asks to go to the park he will but otherwise he won't. But the thing is toddler would always pick screen time over walk in the park if given the choice, but once he's there at the park he loves it.

We had a (non-shouty) disagreement about it and both got angry and I felt upset. I'm feeling pissed off after all the hard work I do during the week but not sure if I'm being unreasonable. This morning I asked DH to get toddler dressed and fed while I showered and he let him have snacks (2 x yoghurt pouches, berries and a dairyLea dunker tub) the last of which is not breakfast food. Toddler was emotional and erratic all morning and I wasn't sure if he was hungry, a bit overwhelmed by having his Daddy back or the change in routine suddenly, or if that was unconnected.

I feel structure is really important and I feel angry that DH has come back and just (in my view) been lazy. I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm being an uptight cow (he didn't say that but said no-one needs to be the perfect parent).

Am I just being resentful and uptight or am I reasonable here?

I know there's a bigger issue with his work which we are discussing. I feel his work needs to allow him to contribute to family life more. I get the sense I'm spiralling into a depression I think (I don't have wider family to support to it's just us and nursery).

If I was unwell I don't know what we would do.

Sorry for long post - just looking for a shoulder. Didn't want to post on AIBU as people can be unkind.

OP posts:
CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 10/12/2022 16:57

People who think it's too cold to go the park need to invest in better coats/hats/gloves (finances permitting).

edme · 10/12/2022 16:57

I'm with those who say let DH get on with DC his way as long as he manages bathtime, bedtime, night wakings. I understand that you have built up that routine because that's what works with your child. If you diverse from the routine, DC becomes more hard work. Your husband thinks child will be fine his way too. He may be right, he may not. But he should deal with the consequences if his way does not work out (i.e. toddler gets overtired come 7 hour and he'll have a meltdown).

BobbyBobbyBobby · 10/12/2022 16:57

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minipie · 10/12/2022 16:58

WakingUpDistress · 10/12/2022 16:27

@tiredtiredtiredmum I’ve had one of those boisterous, full of energy toddler.
He needed routine.
He needed to run outside. Staying inside just created mayhem.
He needed food at very regular schedule. Missing a snack by half an hour would result in massive tantrums only calmed down by the arrival of food.

Whats going in here is that you are the one who is looking after your child, the one who has built a system that works fir them - no mighty tantrums, less climbing the walls, better sleep etc…
Your DH has no clue because …. He is away.

But when he comes back he wants some relaxing time. He wants the football (I doubt your toddler is going to watch the football so I’m guessing he wants to out his ds in front if the Tv fur 2 hours to he can have peace and quiet).
All that whilst you are WORKING.

So what I would do is ‘yep ok’. Leave him to it but also make clear HE is dealing with ds this afternoon and tonight and during the night. Let him deal with the tantrums. The fact he will be restless and not sleep well.
He needs to learn the same way you have. Trial and error (also called the hard way). But to do that he needs to be Jeff to it and be fully responsible if dealing with the consequences if his choices.

All of this.

edme · 10/12/2022 16:59

This. Lot of people in the UK seem to think that if it's cold, then we must feel cold when we're outside. No. When it's cold, we wear more layers and warmer clothes and we're fine. 0 degrees is absolutely fine to be outside. Though just standing around, it's not great. Walking, absolutely fine.

Original poster
tiredtiredtiredmum · 10/12/2022 17:00

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Read that comment back and maybe have a think about your motivations?? I have no words.

OP posts:
Original poster
tiredtiredtiredmum · 10/12/2022 17:01

edme · 10/12/2022 16:57

I'm with those who say let DH get on with DC his way as long as he manages bathtime, bedtime, night wakings. I understand that you have built up that routine because that's what works with your child. If you diverse from the routine, DC becomes more hard work. Your husband thinks child will be fine his way too. He may be right, he may not. But he should deal with the consequences if his way does not work out (i.e. toddler gets overtired come 7 hour and he'll have a meltdown).

Thanks, yes I think this approach which many others have suggested is about right.

OP posts:
minipie · 10/12/2022 17:02

What about the fact he doesn’t recognise the fact that he isn’t involved that in his child’s life? And therefore might want to ASK the OP first (eg when you say snack, do you mean those pouches?)
What about the fact he is putting his interest in football first before the needs if his toddler?

Also this.

All of this “he’s a parent too, don’t micro manage” is all very well if he has been around and had plenty of experience looking after DS. But he hasn’t. So he doesn’t know what works, nearly as well as OP, and he ought to recognise that.

It’s not fair on a toddler to let the dad work it out by trial and error just because he’s too arrogant to learn from what the mum has already found works.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 10/12/2022 17:08

Goodgrief82 · 10/12/2022 16:53

The OP’s issue with it was that it’s “not breakfast food”

bugger all to do with the environment 😂

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You could be right. I was just commenting on why I'd feel bothered by it being used for breakfast. Trying to give some moral support, is all.

NoodleDoodleDo · 10/12/2022 17:08

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Don't be a nasty dick.

girlmom21 · 10/12/2022 17:08

PennyRa · 10/12/2022 16:53

It is too cold for the park, yogurt, fruit, and cheese are normal breakfast foods, and watching the football with your father is a great bonding moment.

It's not too cold for the park. Put on a scarf, hat and gloves.

Tiredallofthetime · 10/12/2022 17:08

Funny thing is on here even in gale force winds and thunderstorms you get people telling you to get a puddlesuit and wellies and get out, but when a man is on it it’s just far too cold. Funny, that.

Khix · 10/12/2022 17:08

@tiredtiredtiredmum
@WakingUpDistress hit the nail on the head. You are not being unreasonable at all, he is being lazy.

arethereanyleftatall · 10/12/2022 17:09

I think your dh should be allowed to parent as he seesf fit, but, and this is the crucial bit, he has to deal with all the consequences of it. So he must put him totally to bed tonight on his own, and be the one to get up if there's problems. Don't whatever you do help him op.
Your dh may well be rueing not taking him to the park if he doesn't go down nicely at 7. When our football is actually on.
I repeat, don't help him!

PennyRa · 10/12/2022 17:11

girlmom21 · 10/12/2022 17:08

It's not too cold for the park. Put on a scarf, hat and gloves.

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It's too cold to have fun in the park

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 10/12/2022 17:14

PennyRa · 10/12/2022 17:11

It's too cold to have fun in the park

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Maybe for you. Not for a toddler in a snowsuit!

girlmom21 · 10/12/2022 17:15

No it's not @PennyRa. Parks are just as fun in the winter as they are in the summer - if not more so.

Especially for a toddler who hasn't seen his daddy all week.

PennyRa · 10/12/2022 17:17

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 10/12/2022 17:14

Maybe for you. Not for a toddler in a snowsuit!

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So you're against this father spending fun, quality, bonding time with their child

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 10/12/2022 17:18

PennyRa · 10/12/2022 17:17

So you're against this father spending fun, quality, bonding time with their child

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Erm...

PennyRa · 10/12/2022 17:23

girlmom21 · 10/12/2022 17:15

No it's not @PennyRa. Parks are just as fun in the winter as they are in the summer - if not more so.

Especially for a toddler who hasn't seen his daddy all week.

Maybe you missed it in the op but the toddler doesn't want to go to the park

edme · 10/12/2022 17:26

Because toddlers are reasonable creatures who know what's best for them or able to tell what they'll enjoy just 1 minute later...

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 10/12/2022 17:29

PennyRa · 10/12/2022 17:23

Maybe you missed it in the op but the toddler doesn't want to go to the park

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What, this?

But the thing is toddler would always pick screen time over walk in the park if given the choice, but once he's there at the park he loves it.

I don't know how much experience you have with toddlers, Penny, but it's not always a great idea to give them what they want...

And are you honestly saying the world cup is quality bonding time? Now I know how little experience of toddlers you have!

VahineNuiWentHome · 10/12/2022 17:41

PennyRa · 10/12/2022 17:23

Maybe you missed it in the op but the toddler doesn't want to go to the park

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Lol because you’ll let a 2yo decide what they will do in the afternoon, even if you know their choice is going to be detrimental to them?

Have not met before the toddler who wants a sandwich, screams because he wants it cut in triangle and then screams because the sandwich has been cut in half and they wanted whole?
Such logical, down to earth creatures those toddlers. You should always take them to their word.

PennyRa · 10/12/2022 18:10

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 10/12/2022 17:29

What, this?

But the thing is toddler would always pick screen time over walk in the park if given the choice, but once he's there at the park he loves it.

I don't know how much experience you have with toddlers, Penny, but it's not always a great idea to give them what they want...

And are you honestly saying the world cup is quality bonding time? Now I know how little experience of toddlers you have!

Show quote history

Lots of us have very fond memories of watching sporting events with our father/mother/uncle/brother whoever when we were little. It was quality bonding time. It's something grown children still do with their family member. Not necessarily because they love the sport, but because they love the person and the quality time together.

Maybe yours wasn't a sport, maybe it was fashion week, crufts, Eurovision, whatever. Or maybe you never had those kinds of moments growing up in which case I'm sorry you missed out.

CarefreeMe · 10/12/2022 18:11

Structure is important but being too rigid is setting yourself up for failure.

It’s DH’s child too so DH can choose to do whatever he wants with his own child.

It sounds like you are very tired and it’s actually you that needs the routine, more than DS.

I personally don’t think it’s a good idea to take DS out twice a day - that’s way too rigid and DS needs to learn to entertain himself with the toys he has at home.

My DD has ADHD and I got her a small indoor trampoline which really helped as she could bounce on it then draw, bounce on it again, then play with her dolls, bounce again, draw again etc etc.
She was able to work out what she needed with not much input from me, because I gave her the freedom to do so.

It’s not easy finding the balance between having a routine and being too strict but I think letting DH have more input will help with this.

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