A kind of AIBU - DH parenting our toddler?

[tiredtiredtiredmum]

My DH has been away all week with work. We have one lovely toddler who's at nursery part-time and I work part/time. So I've done all bedtimes, mornings etc obviously. I feel quite unhappy about the amount of work trips DH has and we are discussing potential future job changes so he can be at home more. But for now I've had to suck it up. I do feel exhausted and down about it all.
Today I was excited to have DH back and looking forward to it. This morning we all went to see Santa and this afternoon I have to work to prepare for a course I am teaching on tomorrow afternoon.

I suggested DH take toddler out for a walk in the park and then have some Christmas movie time. DH said he didn't want to take him out to the park. In his words it's cold and the World Cup is on.

My thing is that I try to take toddler out once each morning and afternoon (nap in between) even if only a run in the park. Toddler is extremely boisterous and I find an afternoon at home with him is long and draining, he ends up getting frustrated, plus I don't think it benefits his sleep. (We've had some trouble with bedtimes recently). DH said if toddler asks to go to the park he will but otherwise he won't. But the thing is toddler would always pick screen time over walk in the park if given the choice, but once he's there at the park he loves it.

We had a (non-shouty) disagreement about it and both got angry and I felt upset. I'm feeling pissed off after all the hard work I do during the week but not sure if I'm being unreasonable. This morning I asked DH to get toddler dressed and fed while I showered and he let him have snacks (2 x yoghurt pouches, berries and a dairyLea dunker tub) the last of which is not breakfast food. Toddler was emotional and erratic all morning and I wasn't sure if he was hungry, a bit overwhelmed by having his Daddy back or the change in routine suddenly, or if that was unconnected.

I feel structure is really important and I feel angry that DH has come back and just (in my view) been lazy. I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm being an uptight cow (he didn't say that but said no-one needs to be the perfect parent).

Am I just being resentful and uptight or am I reasonable here?

I know there's a bigger issue with his work which we are discussing. I feel his work needs to allow him to contribute to family life more. I get the sense I'm spiralling into a depression I think (I don't have wider family to support to it's just us and nursery).

If I was unwell I don't know what we would do.

Sorry for long post - just looking for a shoulder. Didn't want to post on AIBU as people can be unkind.

If you can remember it, you weren’t 2 years old.
More likely to be at least 5yo onwards.

And then yes, at that age, it can be a binding experience.

The OP dh isn’t going to bond over football with a 2yo….
More likely dad is going to get impatient because toddler doesn’t sit still, cries, throws a tantrums, is boisterous.
Or dad will put give the iPad to have some peace.

Some of you are just unbelievable and downright nasty.
OP's DH is bloody unkind and unreasonable, where is OP's downtime, where is her relaxing watching a film time? When does she get any time off at all.
He can relax every evening and have a good nights sleep every single night while he is working away and be fresh for work the next day - no toddler bedtimes for him or night wakings.
Then he comes home after a week of having loads of down time and does fuck all parenting with his child.
Are you all stepford wives or something? He needs to pull his finger out and stop being such a lazy bastard.

I’m with you OP. Structure is important to avoid meltdowns, toddlwrs (particularly biys) need exercise or they become a nightmare, and yes he’s been away but work trips can actually be way more fun and less tiring than the strady alog of constantly looking after a toddler.

Depressed by some if the replies on here. “Let him get on with it his way” 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 that’ll be endless screentime and sugar then 👀

Yes to all of this.

You must be exhausted after that week. I wonder if your toddler was hard work as a baby so you're catastrophising a little bit when he's out of his routine, e.g. thinking if we don't go out twice he'll be a nightmare. Whilst you might be right(!) It's also worth trying to reframe, e.g. he might be a bugger but at least I'll have another pair of hands tonight.
When things feel out of control, like unpredictable babies and toddlers, and you having no control over DHs work, it can feel like you need to assert more control over the things you can influence. For you that might be toddlers routine or food. But it ends up being more anxiety for you as little people and DHs will always fuck things up! You are very insightful as you have already seen the big issue here, which is DHs work. Try and have a think about what you want both your work/home life to look like in future, and go easy on yourself.

Hi OP.

I just wanted to give you some support. As a mother of a very, very spirited 2yo who works full time and manages 90% of all home life, bedtimes, mornings due to a DH who works lots of hours, I understand the pressure and the mental and physical load it can have feeling 100% responsible for everything all the time.

However, I’ll reenforce some of the kind advice here which is that you have to step back and let your DH parent. It can be so hard when your child is routine driven, non sleeper etc etc but you do need to let go (easier said than done) and with a bit of advice let him find his own way. It might not be your way or the best way but it will all be okay!!

Please do speak to your GP about your mental health too. Be kind to yourself, carve out some time for you (and make sure it’s stuck to) and be open and honest with your DH.

xx

Oh and I’d definitely share the night wakings / bedtimes as much as possible when DH is home - this really was a wake up call with my DH that when I advise no screen time all day I mean no bloody screen time all day ……………

Yup

I haven't RTFT but just wanted to say I think you've had a really tough time on her OP and I don't really understand why! Anyone with a 2yo knows that looking after them solo for a week is FAR more knackering than going on almost any work trip- and that the returning parent needs to step up in their parenting, not just say "it's the world cup". We have a 2yo and he's bouncing off the walls if he doesn't get out every day. And if he doesn't get out he doesn't nap. And if he doesn't nap our lives- and his- are hell. He needs to be fed, watered and WALKED! Solidarity OP.

OP, I'm with you. You're with ds all the time, you have a routine for him. That includes healthy food, exercise, etc. dh turns up and can't be arsed to put ds first for only one day - instead he puts himself first.

Dh should do bedtime, and he should listen to you re what ds needs.

I hope you got your work done today. I also hope you get a lie-in tomorrow and that dh steps up. Hugs. 💐

Ds is 2. He won't give a shit about the football and men can be shouty and scary when they are watching football.

Hi OP.
I’m a bit surprised by how harsh people are being. You do sound like you’re having a slightly tough time but I also think you’re being a bit severe on yourself. You’re clearly a dedicated and responsible parent, you’ve put a workable system in place and have found a way to manage raising your toddler alone for significant spells. You have no family nearby and you both work, right? Your DH benefits from you being the primary caregiver while he regularly goes away. Feeding your child cheese for breakfast isn’t a hanging offence, but it also requires zero effort, and is presumably not what you usually do. To the people saying if food is in the house you can’t choose when tots eat what, why not? My kids get bought all sorts of crap to break up car journeys, but not for breakfast.

DH can’t face a walk to the park for half an hour, cites the football. He’s missed a week of your son’s babyhood, and football will still be there when your son is away off doing his own thing with his mates. Also, a match is 90 minutes long and you can always pause it.

I suspect this won’t be popular on here but it’s a basic truth of parenthood that a lot of times parenting means forcing ourselves to do stuff we can’t really be bothered with. I hated a lot of stuff I did when they were little - f*ng jigsaws and soft play and mother and baby especially - but their childhood is theirs, not mine.

I also suspect I’ll get it in the neck for this but could it be what some people are calling uptight or restrictive behaviour on your part is perhaps a by-product of being repeatedly required to run the show? You sound somewhat anxious, and maybe you have perfectionist tendencies? (not in anyway a criticism, forgive me if I’m wrong). Setting aside any more random guessing at your personality type, I’d say all actions tend to have an equal and opposite reaction. You’re picking up the family slack and as a result you have developed a focused routine and a series of beneficial habits. This is a good approach to child raising, it’s what a lot of professionals recommend. You can’t play raising a toddler largely alone by ear all the way, and DH sounds like maybe he needs to consider what it’s like to be the one who’s left to get on with it, and then told to lighten up as soon as he reappears. Maybe he could consider whether it’s possible for him to join in with a proven and effective working system rather than discard it? It’d probably be a good plan for you to say sod it and put your feet up with them this afternoon, it won’t all go to shit in a couple of days, but I wouldn’t tear yourself to bits. Your instincts are sound, and your internal struggle sounds like the stress of it all. I think you’re utterly reasonable.

Xx

I get it op, you have to do this stuff every day, it's a chore but you still do your best to ensure that your lo gets out and about and eats healthily. Because you have learned that this works best for your lo. Then it's dp's turn and he doesn't bother his arse doing things 'right'. It's annoying for sure but you can't really stop him doing things his way, but if there is any fallout, ie lo being cranky due to not eating properly or not sleeping well, then dp needs to take care of it, and you need to be given the time and space to sort out the stuff you need to do.

Some absolutely horrible comments on here. But nothing surprises me anymore, people use this site to have a go at others for absolutely no reason without knowing their personality or anything more than one or two posts.

Hope you’re ok OP. The bit where you said you think you’re not in a great place struck a chord. Hope you’re able to get some help if that’s what you need.