LIGHTHEARTED - If you only ever believed things that you read on MN…

[LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet]

You’d believe that….

• If your husband so much as starts shopping in a new supermarket then he’s definitely having an affair
• Tenants who can afford to pay six months rent are drug dealers and will use a rental property as a drug farm
• Sleeping on a bench in a town centre in the middle of the day is perfectly acceptable and extremely common
• That a perfectly acceptable parenting method is, in response to your husband having a night out, to leave a tiny baby and a toddler with him while he can do nothing but vomit in the toilet. This will all end well and you’ll thoroughly enjoy spending the day sat in Costa coffee patting yourself on the back over your victory
• If somebody asks you to do something you don’t want to do, saying “No” and literally nothing else at all, is absolutely fine and gives enough context and definitely doesn’t make you sound like a massive weirdo

Any more for anymore?

That you should LTB for everything and anything

that everyone earns £100K WFH

You'll understand when I drip-feed in an hours time that I have 4 kids, 6 of whom have SEN.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

It's only acceptable to introduce your new partner to your children if you've been with that person for 10+ years. Anything before that is forbidden

Dogs are evil child killers, or cute fur babies who can do no wrong

I certainly don’t think I should be knighted but we had the choice to sell earlier this year or remortgage and decided to remortgage. One of the factors was that it would have been extremely difficult for our tenant to have found somewhere else.

And even then you should introduce them as your ‘friend’. Despite the fact that a 5yo can tell that mummy’s new male friend is more than a friend, lying to them is better than telling the truth.

If you read MN, admitting you regret having a child is normal and most people secretly do and it’s fine.

If you admit you sometimes regret getting a pet, you’re the worst person in the world, should rehome the poor creature to someone who really loves it, NEVER get another pet and you sound horrible.

Even if your cat shat on your carpet and left a dead rat on the doorstep 🤢

Anyone that volunteers for the PTA in any capacity is doing it for the power and the glory and the perks and is basically Amanda from Motherland.

Wait a minute, no pan👀ts under pjs? Since when? @

That if you drink more than a thimble of sherry on Christmas Day you have a drinking problem and must be flogged in the streets and shamed for being a raging alcoholic 😕 Heaven forbid an adult woman admits to enjoying a few glasses of wine during the week or weekends socially.

If you want to leave your baby for a night or two with their fully capable father or grandparents you are completely heartless and an unfit mother as you couldn't possibly want any time for yourself and every second of the day for the rest of your life you must spend with your child and how could you even think about having a break!

"I haven't spent one night away from my DC and they are now 18 and 16 and I'm always here if they need me at at time of the day or night. I just don't understand WHY women would ever want or need to leave their DC because being a mother is all sunshine and roses and it's all you can ever want or need to be" 🙄🙄🙄

Whilst troll hunting isn’t allowed, there are a lot of threads started by PBP or are obviously a work of fiction and get deleted. If you mention something early on so people don’t feed it or get overly invested, the accusations….

Then the thread goes POOF.

There is no need for anyone to have children and taxes shouldn't pay anything towards them as you will in no way be reliant on the next generation. You will exist in a self reliant bubble, living off grid with no water or electricity and no need for medical attention when you retire. Oh and of course you will also be totally ok financially as you have a pension pot and investments which will have no requirement for any financial institution to administer and will in no way be affected by the current events of the time such as fluctuating stock markets and useless governments.

That everyone in the whole country lives in a village

It never ceases to amaze me the things posters on MN will bicker about . On a thread the other day, % of horse ownership among the British public . The thread wasn't even about horses .😁

I was going to suggest this but you've said it so much better than I could! @WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll

( sniggers)

Going NC with your parents solves all your life problems.

Looking after yourself and your own health means you're a product of male oppression, you do it for them only. Instead you should say fuck it, take off your bra and eat body weight of sweets and biscuits. No way all this effort is for yourself.

Funny that ... and they always seem to own a private road that no one can ever go down.

That MILs are the devil incarnate and always look at you in a disparaging way.

That anyone who is always late must have an undiagnosed syndrome of some sort and that you should just suck it up.

Teacher's and social worker's are never, ever, ever, ever rude, wrong or patronising. It doesn't matter if the teacher has just stamped on your 5-year old's hand as a punishment, or the social worker has lied about everything you have ever said, you are clearly the problem. In Mumsnet land, teacher's and social workers can never be wrong.
Bizarrely, in the exact same Mumsnetland, Health visitors are always stupid, old fashioned and thick as shit.

Baby group's/ mothers and toddlers etc are not a nice way to chat to and socialise with other mum's on maternity leave. They are unbearable, clique places full of the most unfriendly , nasty, spiteful women you could ever meet. And why on earth would you think having a baby of the same age would be a basis for even a casual friendship....

In fact, people who want to go to baby group's are a bit weird and pathetic.

Never expect to make even friendly acquaintances at the school gate of your child's primary school. School mum's are all extreme bitches who without fail, will get a thrill out of ignoring and bullying any new parents at the gate.

You are selfish, environmentally destructive cow if you decide to have more than two children.

All 18-year-old children, ( even those still finishing their A levels in the 6th form), should expect to be completely financially independent. 18-year old's who engage in even the most minor antisocial behaviour in the home, (untidy bedroom, dirty dishes, staying out late etc), should be made homeless. Sofa surfing with the local undesirables will turn their life around.

It's completely socially acceptable to mock religious people following even the most moderate, mainstream versions of Christianity, (think Methodists, C of E , URC , catholic etc). You are however a nasty racist bigot if you even so much as question any practice of any other faith group, ( e.g. Islam, Judaism, Hinduism, Sikhism, , Bhuddism Jainism etc).

That teachers should do more for children because they have loads of holidays and finish at 3
That it's possible to ask a normal question, like what can I cook tonight and by the third page it's turned into an argument about landing on the moon or something totally nonrelated
People have en suits actually in their bedroom but ban men from pooing in it as their poo spores are stronger and call travel further

Absolutely, and anyway what would all these dreadfully poor people do without our kindly offered house? Luckily, they don't have to rent out the summer property in Cornwall/Norfolk/ a little village in France which they were left by an aunt, and which is falling to pieces, actually.

That soup in a vacuum flask is a really common school packed lunch item.

That we can solve anything by going off for a spa day.

That everyone can afford therapy (although I personally wish we all could).

That SAHM is the worst thing you can ever do and that your husband will hate you and treat you like shit. (Very glad this is just a mumsnet thing).

That owning a dog is an incredibly complex business, involving lots of different classes and a set of strict rules to be adhered to at all times. And that the majority of said animals are incredibly vulnerable at all times, and everyone should hyper vigilant that your designer dog doesn't, in ANY way, EVER feel threatened.