LIGHTHEARTED - If you only ever believed things that you read on MN…

[LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet]

You’d believe that….

• If your husband so much as starts shopping in a new supermarket then he’s definitely having an affair
• Tenants who can afford to pay six months rent are drug dealers and will use a rental property as a drug farm
• Sleeping on a bench in a town centre in the middle of the day is perfectly acceptable and extremely common
• That a perfectly acceptable parenting method is, in response to your husband having a night out, to leave a tiny baby and a toddler with him while he can do nothing but vomit in the toilet. This will all end well and you’ll thoroughly enjoy spending the day sat in Costa coffee patting yourself on the back over your victory
• If somebody asks you to do something you don’t want to do, saying “No” and literally nothing else at all, is absolutely fine and gives enough context and definitely doesn’t make you sound like a massive weirdo

Any more for anymore?

That every load of washing needs to be boil washed otherwise it's unhygienic.

(many mnetters would have a cadenza to find out majority of people here just wash everything in cold water , and no ill harm has come to them)

That the school has to know about every infrigement a neighbours child makes at home. He looked at my child sideways... You should report this to the school. And then ss. Never the parent of said child.

We should always excuse bad behaviour in children / adults as they may be nnt.

That if you are due to have a quick BBQ instead of cooking indoors for a change, you need to inform the entire neighbour in advance.

That most threads now which are vaguely interesting disappear from my 'I'm watching' as they are from PBP.

That people do not know how to use a washing up bowl, towels have to be washed every 15 minutes, underwear to be worn under PJs and numerous other life changing revelations.

You should immediately go no contact with any family member or friend that you’ve ever had a slight disagreement with.

Toilet brushes were invented by Satan personally so to be avoided at all costs but if you must use one then please use your slow cooker to desinfect them. Do rinse it before you put your whole chicken and lentils in afterward.

You can only change your bedding and your towels once per year otherwise you’re personally ruining the environment. Line dry everything as dryers were also invented by Satan himself.

Fancy knickers are not necessary. Buy second hand ones at the charity shop (these are allowed to be boil washed or cleaned in the slow cooker) and wear them until they completely fall apart. It’s better if they have holes in them.

Also never open your door when a stranger unexpectedly rings the bell. It’s a serial killer .

Everyone has disposable income to naff off to a spa for the day when dh has had a night out, and if he has any issue with it or even a minor disagreement then you should ltb instantly to a hotel or air bnb because obviously you can with your wads of cash in the bank!

People who don't invite 100 children to your wedding you are evil unless it is a lunchtime wedding with just two witnesses.

Always cancel the cheque.

All toddlers on MN are geniuses, all older children are a)Geniuses, b) have SEN (diagnosed or not) c) quirky or d) sporty.

In all cases they have to doo 100 different clubs which means they have to eat in the car on the way and if they are not provided with a hot, 3 course meal then the parents are just not trying.

The police are interested in 'logging' minor neighbour disputes, disagreements over parking etc.

Everyone without a car spends their whole time asking for lifts from people with a car.

Everyone is crying and shaking about completely mundane everyday things.

Every human (apart from yourself) is a narcissist.

Every MN child is both a genius and tall and slim.

I'd say the opposite, on MN all dogs have their poo picked up, never run off or jump up at anyone and never bother anyone in a cafe or restaurant.
MN cats always bury their poo and even if you see one poo right in the middle of your plant and not bury it you are mistaken and it's a fox in disguise.

That if you are struggling financially you should just get a better paying job. Alternatively, you can post your income and expenditure on here to be scrutinised and Mumsnetters will give you the advice along the lines of the car/ dog/cat/ netflix need to go that's even if you need the car for work, your pets are elderly and netflix is your only guilty pleasure at £10pcm

I should have included people pretending to be lacking in intelligence, you’ll have a poster who claims to be on £100k (yet always on MN…) and then they will pretend they don’t know how to use a washing up bowl for example.

Don’t forget the Christmas specials - weird suggestions about what 30 somethings want (or need in their life) like cashmere fingerless gloves.

1. If someone is behaving like an arsehole, its never just simply because they are an arsehole, someone always pops up to pathologize it and suggest that they might have some rare, yet unclassified by the DSM, one in a million version of tourettes syndrome which means they cant help be rude to you and its not their fault and you should just take their abuse with a cheery smile
2. Middle ground does not exist anywhere. eg. Your house is either a disgusting pigsty OR you are an obsessive cleaner who spends 7 hours a day polishing the grouting with bleach and a toothbrush
3. If a husband has a poor relationship with his mother, its always the wife's fault, no matter how welcoming she's been or how abusive the MIL was to him in childhood, if only the wife would make more effort to host, all would be magically fixed.
4. If you are dating a man that ghosts you mid conversation, it might just be because he "isnt glued to his phone" because "sometimes I dont check my whatsapp messages for 57 years because I'm not at YOUR beck and call and how dare you expect a reply once a century"

That this is a reasonable interaction:
CF Neighbour: "Hi Hairy. I'm going to be stuck at work this afternoon. Could you collect the kids again?"
Hairy: "No"

Your own child cannot be overweight, while simultaneously the majority of other children are.

If you ate OK with your husband doing anything other than breathing you are a "cool wife"

If you show concern for anyone you are controlling. Especially if they are late.

If a man doesnt want to get married, it's a red flag and you will be left homeless and penniless if you split up.

If a woman doesn't want to get married, it's prudent financial sense and she's protecting her assets.

That York, Exeter and Durham universities are better than those in bigger cities, mostly because they are in smaller, older prettier towns (a bit like Oxford and Cambridge).

All teenage boys are up to no good 100% of the time and cannot be trusted.

WFH is the best thing ever for everybody that does it and their families.

A spa day is a treat.

Driving and owning a car is totally uneccessary.

Having more than one shower a week is selfish.

It is only on MN that siblings names have to ‘go’ together.

Oh yes-that was a new one on me. I managed to name mine without checking their names match. <worries>

That made me laugh and I am irrationally scared of big dogs ( I am 57 )

Everyone's child is 'very bright', even if they are getting bad marks at school, are lazy and monosylybic. Sorry but I suspect most kids on here are fairly average.

That if your child still believes in Santa after age 8 you need to check to see if they are on 'the spectrum'.

I am a lawyer
I am a doctor
Yeah, sure you are.

Haven't RTFT but I just put bleach around the toilet bowl, leave and then flush. Ta da. No poo marks.