Death by Oodie and other attempts of murder by inanimate objects.

[Cakewineorgin]

DH very kindly bought me an Oodie for my birthday, which has been very welcome as I fight off Covid. Unfortunately it has just tried to kill me by releasing a barrage of fluff as I pulled it over my head to change. This was perfectly timed to coincide with me breathing in, resulting in a choking fit, and projectile I am now performing an Oscar worthy performance of ‘cat with furball.’

Please cheer me up with your tales of attempted murder by inanimate objects.

My auntie once sat on a wicker tub chair which gave way on her. We couldn't get her out for laughing.

Last year I tried to take one step backwards on the patio, misjudged the edge and fell arse first onto a concrete fence post.
I fall down the stairs with alarming regularity.
I once tried to wash my foot in a belfast sink in the garage, lost my balance and fell hard on my arse on the raised threshold of the door.

My friend once got stuck trying on a wetsuit and had to phone another friend to come round and release her. She couldn't reach the zip!

I can relate-crossing the road with my 2 spaniels, the sprocker got under my feet and got his (already large) paw stepped on. Trying to get off his foot, I fell over, banged my knee and scraped my lower leg. I had the scrape for months. The knee was the one I had replaced 11 years ago, but luckily it was just bruised. Two cars kindly stopped to help me up.

I was getting in the car, the wind took the door and the corner of the door hit me right on the cheek bone.

There was nothing to see, but it hurt like hell.

The following morning I had a black eye.

My male friend got a lot of dirty looks when we went shopping.

I have, as they say, found my people!

So many of these sound familiar. I often end up bruised and I have no idea why. I am constantly bumping , hitting, banging, dropping and more myself all of the time.

One time, I was at my physiotherapist and he was asking me questions, like who lived at home with me, is everything ok. I though it was odd, it felt very much like domestic abuse questioning, I know them from my previous job experience. I have no clue as to why.

I get home later and end up looking at my left forearm, it totally looks as if someone has grabbed me and either held
me in some way. I had and still have no idea how they got there! Looked like 5 fingers though.

I did explain when I went back that I got it why he was asking now and that I am not being abused and have no idea why they were there. Just clumsy and easily bruise.

I am glad he was questioning suspicious bruising, just didn’t know I had i
them at the time🤣

Nearly did myself an injury laughing at this… I think you win the thread 🤣

I decided it was safer underfoot to put my walking boots on rather than my trainers. Walking along happily with a friend and my metal lace loop caught in the hem of my trousers and tripped me up. I fell flat on my face, bashing my hands and my chin on the pavement. Sore for days.

Took our new rescue dog to a groomer who lived on the corner of a main road bend. She slipped her collar at the door and ran off. I ran after her doing a cartoon run - legs running too fast - (I am 66) and fell flat on my face. The groomer got the dog, she had just hid under my car. I still have the scars on my knees, it was agony when I fell on the stones and gravel. I sat in the car and cried.

Recently, in torrential rain, I tripped on a paving slab. I fell forward onto my knees and slid rock star stylee on my knees across the path, building up speed until I came to an abrupt halt head butting the car. I had a bump on my head, and scraped knees. 24 hours later I could barely walk as my knees and shins were black and blue and my head was sore and swollen.
All my DS could say was thank god there wasn't a ring doorbell to video it all!

@Puddycatfan that is absolutely taking the P!

Many years ago in my misspent youth my then boyfriend and I staggered home after a night of much drinking, fell on the bed and had one of those fast and furious shags. However, he had the presence of mind to use a condom. I staggered out of bed in the morning, trod on the used condom that he had charmingly discarded on the floor and skated into the bedside cabinet doing a good impression of Torvill and Dean. Slammed into it with my leading foot and broke two toes.

I'm another with mystery bruises.

Bizarrely they are often in the shape of countries.

@Passtheduchyonthelefthandside I too have done the trying to run through the patio door to stop a cat shitting. The cat was in the garden and my aim was to knock on the conservatory window to scare him off, but in my rage I forgot the patio door between me and the conservatory window. I still have scar on my nose and I had people ask if I was telling the truth and was everything okay at home when I said I had run into a door and ended up with 2 black eyes. Had a client meeting the next day, and nobody mentioned my battered face!

Have also walked into the patio door at friends, no cats involved then just alcohol!

Have also badly torn ligaments in my foot getting off the sofa, the snapping sound was horrific

I always say that my husband is trying to kill me with his slippers!
He showers first in the morning, leaving his hard-bottomed slippers behind the door when he has finished and left the bathroom.
I go in next, half asleep, pushing back the door which ricochets off his slippers and re-bounds into my face.
I have lost count how many times that has happened. No matter how many times I tell him not to leave them there, he just forgets!
I have also done the 'getting my toe caught in my PJ bottoms' thing. I was going upstairs at the time, about 2 steps from the top, couldn't put my foot down as it was caught, so just had to fall flat on my face, smacking my head on the airing cupboard door!

Some of these stories are hilarious, great thread!

Are you my twin? 😂
If there's a space to fall over in - it will happen, especially if it involves concrete.

I've had surgery on my back, so icy weather makes me want to stay inside if I can. I hope you stay safe today, it looks particularly treacherous for us both.

I have rather prehensile big toes with a large gap between the big toe and the next one. I loved my massive flares in the 90s and I hated wearing socks so very regularly caught my stupid toe in the stupid flappy hems. Came close to losing an eye on the corner of my mum's fireplace.
On being forced to vacuum as a teenager I threw my parents bedroom door open heavily as I was annoyed. My mum kept about twelve dressing gowns on the back, so it bounced and swung back, cracking me in the face as I went through. Nice linear bruise on my face.
Plus the vacuum cleaner itself was evil. It had a very powerful cord retract mechanism and one time it pulled the plug back in so viciously that it did this weird little twist and the plug took a chunk out of my foot on its way past.
I still hate vacuum cleaners, they are all evil.
More recently I tripped on one of my children's discarded shoes as I was accepting a grocery delivery. My brain being the useless pile of stodge that it is decided that rather than using my other foot to steady me, it would actually tell my foot to just.... not move. It was the slowest topple over ever, leaving me enough time to say to the delivery driver "Don't mind me, I'm just falling over" as I slowly hit the deck.

I've come to the conclusion that trousers / pj bottoms are deadly weapons.. :-0

My air fryer plug socket gives me an electric shock every time I unplug it. Nobody else - just me! It must love me the most.

@fancyacuppatea You poor thing that sounds so painful. Hope you recover well 💐

Yes definitely stay in its supposed to snow soon! With my track record I'm better staying in too because l also excel in spectacular fails when it snows/is icy. I shouldn't really be allowed out I'm a total danger to myself 😉

Thank you! I mean that non-sarcastically. 😁