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Original poster

Death by Oodie and other attempts of murder by inanimate objects.

123 replies

Cakewineorgin · 02/12/2022 15:40

DH very kindly bought me an Oodie for my birthday, which has been very welcome as I fight off Covid. Unfortunately it has just tried to kill me by releasing a barrage of fluff as I pulled it over my head to change. This was perfectly timed to coincide with me breathing in, resulting in a choking fit, and projectile Xmas Envy I am now performing an Oscar worthy performance of ‘cat with furball.’

Please cheer me up with your tales of attempted murder by inanimate objects.

OP posts:
ManorMouse · 03/12/2022 07:00

Flangeosaurus · 02/12/2022 19:24

I once inhaled some chocolatey spit when I was half way through a Mars Bar. Full on dying giraffe noises while I desperately fought for breath and tried to cough up chocolate caramel gunk out of my lungs

Same but with a square of chocolate.

I was giving out to the cat to stop with the fussing and complaining and the chocolate I was eating went down the wrong way.

I was bashing myself against the edge of the kitchen sink and whooping like mad until the chocolate had melted enough to be able to cough it up.

I had a sore throat for a few days afterwards

TheCaddieisaBaddie · 03/12/2022 07:01

Bastard wheel clamp fell on my big toe many years ago. I had taken it off the caravan to go away. Spent all weekend unable to walk and with it elevated. Finally gave up telling myself that it ok and went to A&E 5 days later. They had to pierce a hole in my toe nail to release the pressure, I ended up fainting and whacking my arm on the metal part of the bed as I fell of it. Badly bruised arm and on crutches.

Gardenerboo · 03/12/2022 07:18

Hoover/nail scissors.

Cutting the long hair out of the roller on the hoover and leaning over to see what I was doing. I slipped and stabbed myself in the forehead with the nail scissors.

LovedFedAndNoonesDead · 03/12/2022 07:38

BadNomad · 03/12/2022 05:20

Once, running errands while at work, opened car door to get in (was on roadside of vehicle in parking bay on busy road so trying to jump in quickly) caught my eyebrow/temple area and thought ‘fuck that smarts’ but nothing else

I did the exact same thing! In a rush, trying to get into the car while holding on to the door, smacked my head on the very sharp corner of the door. Didn't feel the throbbing until the adrenaline had worn off, and didn't realise there was a thin trickle of blood making its way down my face until someone pointed it out to me. I have a nice little scar just to the side of my eyebrow now. Spacial awareness is hard. 😅

Glad it’s not just me!!

TimBoothseyes · 03/12/2022 07:46

I slipped on the bathroom floor whilst getting out of the over-bath shower. 3 cracked ribs and a busted ankle was nothing compared to the shame of having the paramedics turn up to find me wearing nothing more than a towel and a (weak), smile. 😳

Lolly49 · 03/12/2022 08:04

Putting the carving knife in the dishwasher only for it to bounce back out and stab me in the foot.DH laughing like a hyena lucky I didn’t use it on him once I got it out of my foot.
Broken ankle twice by falling over my own feet.

connie26 · 03/12/2022 08:10

I once impatiently bit into a hot chestnut only for it to explode in my mouth stripping all the skin off and turning my gums white. I couldn't speak properly for a few hours and kept drooling.

Mercedes519 · 03/12/2022 08:19

I went camping and had an air bed which turned out to have a slow puncture. I woke up in the middle of the night on the floor but it was still half inflated. So every time I tried to get up the air moves, it was like the worlds worst bouncy castle.

There came a point when I realised I couldn’t get out and faced the prospect of staying there all night and dying of hypothermia. Had to pull myself together and have one final attempt and managed to get out.

Top tip: don’t go camping 😂

Passtheduchyonthelefthandside · 03/12/2022 08:40

many years ago, I was sitting eating breakfast, at the we had a conservatory, where the local cats loved to leave their shit on the roof. To get from the dining room to the conservatory you had to open sliding patio doors. Unfortunately, for me I had cleaned the doors the day before. I saw the cat, poised to crap, I leapt out of my chair and full on, cartoon esp, face planted the patio door. Blood everywhere, broke my nose, cut my mouth. Scared the fecking cat off though. My DH was trying very hard not to laugh, took me to the local hospital, my story was definitely not believed and the looks my DH was getting, they thought he had done it to me.

Passtheduchyonthelefthandside · 03/12/2022 08:44

Popped my l4/5 discs out, when trying to get my foot through the leg hole of my knickers,missed, and wobbled over. I couldn't move at all, ambulance called, my 5 years DD had to put my bra on and get me dressed.

Passtheduchyonthelefthandside · 03/12/2022 08:48

Showing my class how to use the monkey bars in pe, yea you guessed it, face planted the floor.

Was sort of squatting down, helping a child with work,lost balance, wobbled back, but my bum got stuck on the legs of a chair behind. I honestly was like a nettle on its back. I was crying with laughter. Luckily my year 5 class were lovely and very caring.

Cocolapew · 03/12/2022 09:33

The garrotting washing line reminded me of one from years ago. I was sitting in my back garden when my clothes line prop, a massive piece of wood fell on my head.
I was seeing stars so went inside to ice the upcoming bump
Dh came home to find me passed out in front out the open fridge surrounded by no longer frozen peas.

ofmybloodyself · 03/12/2022 09:48

The floor has gone for me a few times. Perfectly flat, smooth floor, just lying there acting all innocent and harmless. Makes me trip over it when I'm walking along minding my own business. What's that all about? Gaslighting floory bastard.

aliasname · 03/12/2022 10:17

anunseemlylovefordustin · 02/12/2022 22:16

When I used to work in a office that had old-style handset phones (with the curly lead from phone to base) I not once but TWICE (over a period of 6 years, mind) managed to give myself a black eye with the handset when answering the phone in a rush.

Once stood on a (very shiny!) book on a laminate floor whilst holding my 6 month old. Did the splits and then landed on my face, during which process (without any conscious brain being involved) I somehow managed to flip and throw her so that she didn’t land under me, but instead was held up triumphantly one-armed above me. Like those videos you see of people doing catastrophic falls but still miraculously saving their pint of beer. I was quite impressed with myself. Also: I am too old to do the splits.

There is some maternal instinct that kicks in. We were going out for lunch when DD was about 2 weeks old, and someone asked how it felt being a mum. I replied that I didn't feel any difference.

Moments later, I tripped going up some steps and in the split second before landing, I twisted so that DD didn't hit the ground. Of course, that meant I couldn't break my fall, so I was badly bruised - but she didn't even wake up. I realised that actually I was different as a mum.

Original poster
Cakewineorgin · 03/12/2022 11:07

Thank you for all your replies, it is good to know I am not alone. I will read them all later tonight after joining the crowds Christmas shopping, hopefully I will survive! 😬

OP posts:
AppleDumplingWithCustard · 04/12/2022 00:58

On duty in A&E one night and a nursing colleague was brought in. She had been writing letters at her table that afternoon and left the paper and pen on the table. Later that day she had decided to hang some new curtains on the window above the table by standing on said table. She was quite a large lady. Stood too close to the edge of the table, the table tipped, she fell off. As she fell the pen, one of those clear plastic biros fell too, landed pointed end first on the top of her bare foot, the table followed it and managed to hammer the vertical pen through the top of her foot and out the other side.

Her x-ray showed the pen had missed any vital structures and was embedded in just soft tissue. The doctor told her he was just going to examine her foot. Without warning he quickly pulled the pen out and went on to write her antibiotic prescription with it. 😂

stillvicarinatutu · 04/12/2022 01:17

I forgot the time I moved into a very draughty cottage that was listed .

There was no door to between lounge and kitchen so I temporarily stuck up a curtain and thought I was really clever seeing a weighted bar into the hem to keep it in place .

Until one evening, and carrying an open tin of paint I got my foot caught on the bar and went completely arse over tit into the tiled kitchen floor-while I dislocated my knee I was however incredibly proud of the fact I kept the pain tin in the air and upright as I fell....averting paint Vesuvius. Hurt tho . I took the curtain down and got a door .

endlesscraziness · 04/12/2022 01:31

@AppleDumplingWithCustard 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 that's hilarious

ScarierThanBoo · 04/12/2022 01:35

I almost choked to death on a lightly spiced McCains potato wedge as I accidentally inhaled a piece of the dry bastard, it took 45 minutes to recover and it ruined dinner as they were tasteless anyway.
I once bruised my arse and my ego when a piece of stairs snapped as I was walking down and I went ururururururur all the way. My parents pissed themselves and eventually asked if I was OK, arseholes.

CrepuscularCritter · 04/12/2022 12:13

Went to bed early one night, and ended up hogging DH's side of the bed. He sat down gently to urge me to roll over. I rolled, using the duvet to form a human burrito and kept rolling to the edge of the bed amd beyond where I splatted onto the floor and woke up, rather disorientated. Unfortunately, my side of the bed was very close to the wall and I lay there trapped, my arms pinned inside the duvet burrito. Once we'd stopped laughing, DH managed to pull me out feet firat. We now sleep in another room.

Giggorata · 04/12/2022 12:25

Wide legged trousers tripped me up on a really hard concrete surface.
Only by landing on elbow and knee did I avoid smashing my face in. I was at work visiting a children's home and the pain was so great they had to help me inside and get a packet for frozen peas before I could even speak.

The sun visor in my van is absolutely rigid, I have no idea why. It has tried to concuss me about three times when I get back in the van on a sunny day. Really seeing stars and lump on head.

Lets not even think about deckchairs, folding chairs and airers…

Puddycatfan · 04/12/2022 13:22

Anyone else getting this ad coming up on this thread? So not only is your clothing trying to kill you OP, but the Internet is now openly mocking you!

Genius....

Death by Oodie and other attempts of murder by inanimate objects.
uggmum · 04/12/2022 13:31

I got my wedding ring caught on the door handle.

I didn't realise and kicked the door shut. Snapped my finger.

Very painful. The break healed ok but I was left with tissue damage where the ring restricted the finger. So I have a big fat finger.

goingtohellinahandcart · 04/12/2022 14:51

Got trapped in a sports bra, it had twisted up on one side while putting it on and as I have a bad shoulder I couldn't reach to straighten it or take it off!. Dd2(15) had to rescue me much to her amusement.

mamabear715 · 04/12/2022 15:06

So sorry ladies, I have giggled my way through this thread!
I hope all ouchies are now better.. ;-)