Death by Oodie and other attempts of murder by inanimate objects.

[Cakewineorgin]

DH very kindly bought me an Oodie for my birthday, which has been very welcome as I fight off Covid. Unfortunately it has just tried to kill me by releasing a barrage of fluff as I pulled it over my head to change. This was perfectly timed to coincide with me breathing in, resulting in a choking fit, and projectile I am now performing an Oscar worthy performance of ‘cat with furball.’

Please cheer me up with your tales of attempted murder by inanimate objects.

I tripped over my dog (not inanimate, I agree, but he was at that moment) in the kitchen, head butted the edge of the worktop, broke my nose, passed out and came to in a puddle of blood and my dog licking his chops because he'd eaten the toast I'd just made. Had concussion for about a week, black eyes, the works.

I still miss my daft old dog!

I've also done a swan dive from my bath (shower over), brought down the shower curtain and rail on the way down and fractured my wrist and other assorted bruises and ouches.

We don't talk about my stairs. I now crawl up and down them. They are evil. They are murderous.

I'm considering asking Santa for a roll of bubble wrap this year. I think the outlay would save the NHS a sizeable amount.

I was about to give the same example 😁. It’s happened a few times now, as I never learn from last experiences!

My walking boots tried to get me once. They have those hook things towards the top/ankle bit. The lace loop from one of them was a bit long and whilst I was happily walking along it caught itself on the hook of the boot on the other foot and tripped me up, the little buggers! Fell face forward onto the pavement. Not even somewhere cool like hiking up a mountain. On the bloody high street!! 🤦🏽‍♀️

Dressing gown sleeve deciding to get caught on the door handle while I was walking at speed and I fell smack on my back while wet dog food fling everywhere

I regularly punch myself in the face getting dressed, I must have very slippery clothes or something.

In fact, I can relate to both of your examples! I was initially referring to your example of the PJs.

😂

I have a pair of vionic trainers with stupid fucking laces that constantly undo themselves. Last week as I left the house, one of the ends got stuck in the drainage cover in the garden, thus temporarily holding left trainer, throwing me into the mud. I then had to get up with only one feckin shoe on and hop.
Thank Christ we don't have a ring doorbell.

Once slipped on the bath mat stepping into the bath. One leg shot sideways into the bath, the other shot backwards and smacked off the towel radiator and my fanjo smacked down on the edge of the bath before I was shot forward by the momentum and face planted into the bath tap splitting my lip open. The finishing result. The biggest bloody lump ever right at the top of my groin and a bruise that went from it right down to my knee and all the way back up the other side and half way up my arse cheek. I thanked my lucky stars that night that I'm fat and have plenty of cushioning around my thighs so thus potentially saved myself from breaking my leg. Needless to say the bath mat was consigned to the bin that night!

The sleeves on one of my work tunics are slightly more baggier than my other ones, which is great because I can move my arms more freely whilst working. The downside is I can guarantee every time I go down a certain staircase my sleeve hooks over the top of the bannister on the last 4 steps and I'm left precariously hanging there with my arm caught by my sleeve on one side and a tray with a plate and cup on it in the other arm so I can't free myself unless I walk backwards back up the stairs again.

Having a lie in one morning and woken up by the doorbell. I was expecting a parcel so panic ensued to answer the door in the two seconds it takes before delivery person gives up and drives off. I sleep naked so I jumped out of bed, grabbed my dressing gown and tried to put it on. Problem was I had a dead arm as I’d obviously slept on it. Flailing to get said arm into sleeve I managed to punch myself in the eye quite hard. Eventually got it on and flew down the stairs only to get halfway down before I realised the doorbell has had no battery for the past three months. I dreamt the fucking doorbell ring.

This thread has proper made me laugh out loud tonight.

💐 for all of you that injured yourselves in the process.

I once got absolutely stuck fast trying a dress on in a shop changing room .

I was literally jumping up and down as I tried to pull it over my head - I became very hot , sweaty, panicked and had visions of having to stumble out of the cubicle to find assistance before I asphyxiated, that or press the buzzer and also face the embarrassment of a shop
Assistant trying to release me from my zippy prison .

I eventually freed myself before it came to being found slumprd unconscious in the cubicle at closing time 😂

Oh - also once my little (sadly over rainbow bridge now) cav King Charles decided to make a break for it out of the garden .
I ran after him in flip flops which I caught on the paving , and face planted straight into the drive .

I had never appreciated before that how bloody painful grazed knees , hands and face actually are . I vowed I would never tell a small child to stop being silly after a fall ever again .
It bloody hurt .

My cat always slowly walking underneath my feet when I'm trying to walk
Laughing at a funny video on my phone and then it drops on to my lip

I thought I was the only one who did the big toe in the opposite pyjama leg! I’ve tried recreating it but I just can’t work out how it happens. I’m always so angry after as well that if I actually break my neck and die I will hang about as an angry ghost.
personal best was running to the door on Christmas morning to help my gran in. Ready and prepared in my Ugg’s because she’s 300 years old so can’t hang about on the frosty pavement. First leg slipped, back leg stayed on the carpet inside. Full split in a second. Honestly couldn’t shut my legs and made dh look (just inside the front door, still on the floor) because the pain was so sore no way I wasn’t ripped in half. Apparently I looked like I was just enthusiasticly greeting my guest, dunno what they thought the tears were for.

My washing line without the prop is at just the right height to garrotte me, DH has a collection of video evidence he finds hilarious.

Not lethal but I've stopped borrowing DH's dressing gown to go and make tea in at the weekends as every time I manage tread into when ascending the stairs with two cups of tea and have to stoop lower and lower until I emerge out of it naked and spilling hot tea everywhere!

I slipped on puppy pee. Dislocated my groin.

One of those old fashioned grey metal parking meters on a pole once smashed me in the mouth. I suppose I must have been looking at something across the street and then turned my head at the last second and walked smack into it. It felt like it had sprung out of the pavement and punched me. And it tasted horrible too!

I'm up feeding my four month old for the third time tonight (sleep regression) and I have a stomach bug but I am shaking with silent laughter reading these. Any one of you that has somehow done involuntary splits, I salute you

My box grater is trying to whittle me down, starting from my right knuckle, the bastard. Cupboard doors open themselves onto my head and the handles seek out my pockets. I regularly bite the insides of my own mouth when eating sandwiches.

I once also went to sleep at my parents' house, woke up in the night to go for a wee, and gave myself a nosebleed cracking my face on the wall as I'd forgotten I wasn't at home and the bed was against the wall!

I have in the past, punched myself in the face while doing up my horses girth, I used saddle soap and oil to keep the leather supple and clean which unfortunately made it slippery especially if the straps or your hands got wet.
I am however not the only one because a few of my friends admit the same!

I am really clumsy and have no spatial awareness, so I'm always bumping into stuff and bruised anyway, and you can guarantee that no matter how I drop something, if it's heavy it will land on my bloody foot.

I think the funniest though was responding to a fire alarm at work or trying to and getting my shirt caught on a cupboard door. Cue all the buttons popping off and me having to check the building, do roll call and reset/send everyone back to their areas while also trying to cover myself up. I then had to sit in the toilets and sew the couple of buttons I found back on and safety pin myself into the shirt so I wasn't flashing everyone.
That fecking story gets told by some smart arse every time the alarm goes off 🤦

Once, running errands while at work, opened car door to get in (was on roadside of vehicle in parking bay on busy road so trying to jump in quickly) caught my eyebrow/temple area and thought ‘fuck that smarts’ but nothing else; carried on with my morning. Later met friends for lunch and got asked about my black eye, thought they were joking till I went to ladies and looked in mirror - mahoosive egg like bump where car door had hit me, black eye and bruising all round it. No wonder I’d got funny looks from clients (care worker) and the public while out and about. Friends were certain there was more too it and even asked if (recently new relationship at that point, now DH of almost 8 years) DP had done it to me 😱

Walking down stairs at 7am one morning last year at home while helping toddler DT who was insistent on walking down forwards that morning; foot slipped off edge of stair 3 from bottom - resulted in fractured foot, 12 weeks in moon boot (8 of them on crutches) and had to have DMiL then DSis stay with me for 5 weeks as couldn’t care for DT’s on my own. DH also had to take day off work to look after DT’s while I was carted off to A&E in an ambulance.

Dropped a carving fork while packing kitchen up prior to moving house, wasn’t wearing slippers at the time, fork landed on my toe prongs first and it went straight through my skin. Also dropped cutlery tray on other foot the same weekend so had massive bruise on one foot and hole in toe on other foot while trying to move out of a second floor flat 😱

Have given up trying to say I’m not clumsy!!

Once, running errands while at work, opened car door to get in (was on roadside of vehicle in parking bay on busy road so trying to jump in quickly) caught my eyebrow/temple area and thought ‘fuck that smarts’ but nothing else

I did the exact same thing! In a rush, trying to get into the car while holding on to the door, smacked my head on the very sharp corner of the door. Didn't feel the throbbing until the adrenaline had worn off, and didn't realise there was a thin trickle of blood making its way down my face until someone pointed it out to me. I have a nice little scar just to the side of my eyebrow now. Spacial awareness is hard. 😅

I have a few, I opened the door to let the cat in, the cat decided she didn't want to come in so I stepped outside and my slippers slid on the path.

I'm not going to post a pic of me but the pic is of the glasses I was wearing.

I think they saved me from a broken nose, but I did have two black eyes.

I came to in a puddle of blood and my dog licking his chops because he'd eaten the toast I'd just made

Could be worse. When our elderly neighbour fell and bled everywhere, we found his dog enthusiastically licking up the blood. He said with grim humour that he’d never believed Bridget Jones’s worries about ‘being found weeks later eaten by Alsatians’ till then.

Couldn't get the hoover brush off the end so stood on it, tube came flying out and whacked me in the face. Gave myself a black eye and hairline fracture in my jaw. Two days before a first date 🙈