Older women and how they remember the menopause

[TroubledRabbit]

Just been chatting to my lovely, trained as a nurse, mil whose daughter is struggling with cancer treatment. Apparently she's struggling to sleep and I said, 'it must be hard with separating side effects from the menopause'

Quick as a flash, MIL declared she, herself, had no symptoms and sailed through so it was unlikely to be that.

I've been with DH a long time, Mil was 55 when I met her and a bit broken, not much fun, understandably weighed down by the previous ten years of high need elderly parents, teens and working.

DH remembers her debilitating migraines. her lack of humour in those days.
Since retirement she's fitter, more relaxed and good company.

Any thoughts?
Is this just simply as we age we don't want to think of our chubby toddlers as middle aged, starting to sag adults?
Has mil got such a firm grasp of the Grip that carried her through that tough decade that she cant, even now, put it down?
My own menopause, not discussed with mil, has been such a nightmare that I'm intrigued that the quick answer was 'sailed through'.

Maybe she doesn't think those things were caused by menopause?

She could have 'sailed through it' in her early 50s before you knew her.

Someone else said on here once that lots of their friends were all ‘I’m fine sailing through’ even when they clearly weren’t!

I now see this in my own oldest friends - one has a hair trigger temper (used to be the mildest nature), one is very snarky and ‘speaks as she finds’ish, hates people in general etc, and a third is I think quite unhappy and keeps making sly digs.

I am not falling out with them but staying far away out of their way for a bit!

i am jacked up on hrt as my own mother left us, her marriage, her beloved home etc kn in her forties, turned to the bottle. Can really see how it happened now that I’m in my 40s too! Having to avoid alcohol like the plague!

my mum has rewritten history so dramatically that it is breathtaking, I think if that’s how she copes then that’s fine but def disconcerting at times! Who am i to know I won’t be the same!

So sorry @Nepoyeah to hear that about your mother.
I too watch the alcohol, I jacked up on HRT partly because never having been a big drinker I suddenly found there wasn't enough wine in the bottle or enough bottles in the week. ages ago I found a medical paper that linked a substance in alcohol to mimicking part of oestrogen molecule - i interpreted that as the craving for chocolate or fruit when you need a burst of energy or vitamins.

It not that long ago the suicide was hidden from public talk, we'll never know what was going through some of those womens heads.

Well, I'm 53 and I've had zero symptoms of perimenopause or menopause, apart from my periods becoming farther apart. And I mean, absolutely nothing. Surely I must be (at least) perimenopausal at 53?

I'm either very lucky, or sometime very soon it's going to hit me like a brick.

I do believe that some women sail through it, in fact statistics do back that up.

As a fiftyish woman the narrative that if I am bad tempered or get headaches, then that must be due to menopause, is rather insulting and sexist too.

Lots of health issues start to creep in once you are over 50, it's far too common and convenient to blame menopause for everything.

i was ok as long as i didnt drink red wine, which brought me out in a sweat at night and woke me up. Maybe she is a lot more cheerful now as she is retired, rather than slogging at work/housework/admin/shit.....i know i am.

Much of meno symptoms are easily blurred by the shit which is life in your late 40’s and 50’s.
i sailed through with only rare hot flashes, had one night sweat once. But my hate for men and bs was intense. The food cravings and anger lots there BUT, I worked shift work, bully males ordering me around. Demanding difficult late teens. Money woes etc.
Moodiness on my part was attributed to life, not hormones. I don’t really believe drugs would have helped. Once you see the patriarchy you can’t unsee it. My young adults were hard work, again nothing a pill can change. Same goes for money/work etc.

I think everyone is different and have different stressors, therefore outcomes will vary from person to person. So some will struggle and need medical help, whilst others won’t, and some will be in the middle.

My mother was awful in her forties, completely lost all grip on reality and seemed full of rage all the time - she was so impatient with me and my siblings as teens and very 'fuck everything' in her temperament, hated everybody and everything was out to get her. Her negativity was relentless. She's now retired and also says she sailed through menopause.

I suspect you get more accurate answers from family members sometimes.

Not everyone's menopause is the same. I am 67. My periods stopped when I was 49. That was my only clue to being menopausal...?? No sweating or hot flushing, no headaches, no insanity. Nowt.
I

Ah no she’s grand now, sober 30 years she’s amazing, we are all close, but YES, I think you might be on to something with the alcohol cravings and relation to oestrogen, I found it quite startling and terrifying and it gave me a lot more understanding of my mother.

Of course menopause isn’t huge for everyone or the root of all evil. But since it has run riot in my family, not just my mother and me, it’s a relief to have some more understanding of what is happening to me personally, and I’m so grateful for the medication /hrt that is helping me navigate it.

Lots of people have no symptoms apart from their periods stopping (e.g. me, aged 56). There is a wide variety of experiences but, unfortunately, there is a recent trend to medicalise the whole thing & assume it must be absolutely terrible for everyone. Sometimes, the "keep calm & carry on" approach is the right one.

Wow, that’s brilliant!

i suppose it’s just like some people never having pmt or moody teenage years! Luck of the draw really!

The narrative used to be that it was because you were an 'old bat'. Women over 50 were portrayed as harridans in popular culture.

I would prefer it to be put down to menopause than because women just become horrible when they get older!

My nan also said she sailed through it.

My mum was an absolute bitch to me when I was a teenager, she was mid 50s and I now realise she was clearly very menopausal. She was hell to live with at that time in her life tbh.
Later on in her life she insisted “all this whining about menopause, it’s not that bloody hard!” Talk about deluded 🙄

Some women (particularly my mum’s generation I think) see it as a weakness to admit they struggled with menopause.

I have less tolerance for peoples bullshit now I am older, that is true.

I don’t think that this is due to my “hormones.”

The trend of blame menopause for any older woman not being a ray of sunshine and sweetness is all too familiar.

After all, as a young woman it was “are you on the rag again? No wonder you’re being a bitch”

Infuriating.

My mother had what everyone thought was a personality transplant at around 47. She became bad tempered, angry and dismissive. My brother said tge other day "Looking back I think she may have been bi-polar".

Her mother "suffered with her nerves' in her late 40's.

My sister had "a nervous breakfown" at age 48, full on hospitalisation. Not one medical professional suggested to her that she was suffering from perimenopause! To me it's obvious, but she refuses to accept it "because I still have periods".

My other sister has gone on HRT recently. It so clearly runs in our family.

I felt horrendous pre HRT. I was a different person- angry, tearful, depressed, an insomniac, panic attacks,uncontrollable emotions. I have friends who have felt nothing at all. They are different to me.

I am in my early seventies and had 12 years of awful menopause. I was unlucky to hit the time of the dodgy research that led to HRT being stopped by many doctors. I had hot flushes, disturbed sleep that made my demanding job very difficult and feelings of panic and palpitations. I have always had a healthy diet and taken lots of exercise. The Menopause Matters forum was a great support towards the end.
I have no time at all for people who say that it can be managed by healthy lifestyle, diet and snake oil remedies. I sailed through pregnancy and childbirth and was bloody unlucky with the menopause.

@Nepoyeah · Today 14:18

Wow, that’s brilliant!
i suppose it’s just like some people never having pmt or moody teenage years! Luck of the draw really!

Not really. My doctor told me you only get to hear about the bad experiences since women who don't suffer anything do not have a reason to talk about it and there are more of us like this than you realise

Some women have very easy menopause, others have very hard ones. My mother had a very difficult menopause. People also have stresses and symptoms that are nothing to do with the menopause.
The per-menopause was rarely talked about until recently so many older women may never have heard of it.

Experiences vary widely. You can't keep calm and carry on if you have a shit menopause.
It is like periods. Some women never have any pain and some light flow for a few days. Some women struggle to leave the house due to heavy flow and horrendous pain. And lots in between.

That’s exactly what I’m saying! Some people suffer all or none of those things, some people have awful menopauses, some people don’t.