Can someone explain this to me please?

[CastIronFire]

I'm going to start by saying I'm autistic in case it makes a difference.

I don't very often 'fancy' someone. I never have. I rarely feel sexually attracted to someone unless I've got to know them well first and then they become attractive to me. I've never been attracted to more than one person at a time.

I don't fancy actors or famous people. I never fancy someone on a night out. I can appreciate if someone is good looking but I don't fancy them.

Because of this, I find it very difficult to understand how someone can be in love with someone but 'fancy' someone else. Like an actor or something.

I don't really understand how it is any different to fancying their best mate really. It feels like a betrayal.

It's making it really difficult for me to have a relationship.

I was at work today with two of my male colleagues and they mentioned an actress in passing who they both said they fancied. One is married and the other lives with his girlfriend. I don't understand how they can desire her and also love/fancy their partners.

I appreciate that people have tried and have gone into some detail to try and explain it but it's so far removed from my experience that I just can't reconcile it with how I feel or think at all.

You don’t need to reconcile with it though-just accept that’s how most people feel and that it’s healthy and normal in most relationships.

How you feel is very far removed from what I (and literally everyone I know) feels but I accept that’s how you feel. I don’t think I’ll ever fully understand how you feel but that’s ok. I don’t need to understand it, just accepting you feel that way and it’s fine for you to feel that way is enough.

How you feel is very far removed from what I (and literally everyone I know) feels but I accept that’s how you feel. I don’t think I’ll ever fully understand how you feel but that’s ok. I don’t need to understand it, just accepting you feel that way and it’s fine for you to feel that way is enough

I agree with this. I don’t understand your view point at all, but I accept it.
People aren’t choosing to go out and fancy someone. It’s not a conscious choice. It’s biological.

I wouldn't fancy him 'in passing' that's the thing. I have an interest in common with him. Due to the nature of our jobs, I don't see him often but, when I do, we chat about the interest. He's far more accomplished in it than I am and I admire that and would like to know him better, ideally, to improve my own skillset but that is literally all.

I don't know him very well but we get on well enough. But in order to fancy him/find him sexually desirable on any level, I would have to spend a lot more time with him, get to know him really well, laugh with him, spend nights out with him... by the time I'd developed an attraction to him, I'd have completely forgotten I even had a boyfriend.

But it would be unlikely that those feelings would develop even if i did do those things because I love and fancy my boyfriend.

Someone in an earlier post described how someone might 'leave them cold'. That's how I feel about all other men.

I can see it's unusual but it also makes sense to me.

I've told my boyfriend briefly how I feel and he says he can see it. When we go out, he says I'm pretty much oblivious to all other men. I am. I don't flirt. I don't notice men looking at me (apparently). He knows he can trust me because there is absolutely no one in the world who would be a theat to us. I don't have that same security. With him, it will always have to be a choice. And why would he choose me over anyone else?

He is lovely and I think he probably deserves better.

I wouldn't fancy him 'in passing' that's the thing. I have an interest in common with him. Due to the nature of our jobs, I don't see him often but, when I do, we chat about the interest. He's far more accomplished in it than I am and I admire that and would like to know him better, ideally, to improve my own skillset but that is literally all.

I don't know him very well but we get on well enough. But in order to fancy him/find him sexually desirable on any level, I would have to spend a lot more time with him, get to know him really well, laugh with him, spend nights out with him... by the time I'd developed an attraction to him, I'd have completely forgotten I even had a boyfriend.

What you are describing isn’t fancying someone!

The way most people feel is that the see an actor/musician/random person on the street and ‘fancy’ them on a superficial level. It’s not a conscious choice but a biological response to an attractive person.
It has no impact at all on their existing relationship.

But it would be unlikely that those feelings would develop even if i did do those things because I love and fancy my boyfriend.

This is the same with most people though - they see someone attractive and ‘fancy’ them but nothing further develops because they love and fancy their partners.

Are you maybe thinking of an emotional affair rather than fancying someone?

Someone in an earlier post described how someone might 'leave them cold'. That's how I feel about all other men.

I can see it's unusual but it also makes sense to me.

That’s fine it makes sense for you. I accept how you feel.
Can you understand and accept that most other people do fancy random people without that impacting their relationship?

I've told my boyfriend briefly how I feel and he says he can see it. When we go out, he says I'm pretty much oblivious to all other men. I am. I don't flirt. I don't notice men looking at me (apparently). He knows he can trust me because there is absolutely no one in the world who would be a theat to us.

Most people in healthy relationships don’t flirt though.

Most people trust their partners, this isn’t unusual.

In most relationships, there is no one who could be a threat. There are always going to be people who are better looking/nicer body/dress nicer/better hair etc etc but they aren’t ever a threat.
Again, completely normal.

You are considering ending the relationship over something your boyfriend can’t control. That is a threat to the relationship.

I don't have that same security. With him, it will always have to be a choice.
And why would he choose me over anyone else?

This is purely a TRUST issue though. It also sounds like you have major insecurities.

He is lovely and I think he probably deserves better.

Your thought process seems extremely rigid and inflexible. Healthy relationships need flexibility and compromise. Thinking he deserves better, again sounds like insecurity issues on your part. Working on this may really help you

The way most people feel is that the see an actor/musician/random person on the street and ‘fancy’ them on a superficial level. It’s not a conscious choice but a biological response to an attractive person.

This is the same with most people though - they see someone attractive and ‘fancy’ them but nothing further develops because they love and fancy their partners.

But what about where it is a crush that has lasted for decades? Is that different?

Posted accidentally.

I don't ever have that.

Is what I meant to add.

I don't experience feelings of sexual interest or desire for other people.

I can't imagine how it isn't a threat to a relationship because I have no experience of it myself.

In my head, it's not really any different to having an affair or a one night stand.

It's still devoting emotional/mental/sexual time and energy to someone not in the relationship. The only difference is they're not likely to actually leave for them.

In my head, it's not really any different to having an affair or a one night stand.

With the exception that it's even more perfect a fantasy that a real life person could never live up to.

I realise I'm alone in thinking like this.

Are you very young OP?

what you are describing in yourself is very childlike. When I was 14/15 I remember having the most unbelievable crush on Johnny Depp. Fairytale fantasy stuff. That is not what I would experience now as a woman in my 40s. Even if I do have a fancy or crush on someone, it is nothing like that childlike feeling I had back then.

Are you expecting a Disney style romance of never ending, never changing all consuming soul mate type of relationship? Adult relationships are nothing like this. You view of relationships is very immature

Have you seen the show Love on the Spectrum?

it is very interesting. I have family members with Autism and found it quite interesting to understand a bit more. Some of them were indeed looking for a fairytale - which is fine, but unlikely to be found in a neurotypical partner

But what about where it is a crush that has lasted for decades? Is that different?

Again, you are applying very black and white / rigid thinking to a very complex and transient issue.

If you’ve had a crush on a work college that’s lasted decades then it could potentially be emotional affair territory which is vastly different. A ‘crush’ maybe suggests more fixation on the person than ‘fancying’ them.
If someone has fancied Brad Pitt for several decades but it’s just when they watch a film with him in they actually think about him then that’s quite normal.

I don't experience feelings of sexual interest or desire for other people.

That’s fine if that’s how you feel. The vast majority of people don’t feel this way though.
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I can't imagine how it isn't a threat to a relationship because I have no experience of it myself.

You are basing how YOU feel and YOUR experience.
Thats like me saying I can’t imagine how you spending hours talking to your male best friend isn’t a threat to your relationship because I have no experience of it myself.

I don’t have any experience of this and to ME, I find it difficult to understand how it’s not a threat to someone’s relationship. But I believe you when you say this isn’t a threat to your relationship and I fully accept that it isn’t a threat to your relationship.

In my head, it's not really any different to having an affair or a one night stand.

Can you genuinely not understand how a biological reaction that’s out of your control is different to a conscious decision to have sex with someone?

It's still devoting emotional/mental/sexual time and energy to someone not in the relationship. The only difference is they're not likely to actually leave for them.

Not really though - I watch an actor I find attractive and ‘fancy’ him while the films on. It’s good fun and a nice feeling. I don’t devote lots of time to it though - forget about it when the film finishes.

With the exception that it's even more perfect a fantasy that a real life person could never live up to.

That’s part of the fun of fantasies - people often fantasise about things you wouldn’t/can’t do in real life.
Either in a sexual way or a day dreaming way - like imagining you’ve won the lottery and what you’d do with the money.

No. Sadly I'm not. But I've never really bothered with relationships. I've tried to have them but I've never been able to get to grips with them really.

I've known previous boyfriend's have just been biding their time with me and fancied other women more but none of them ever claimed to love me either.

In hindsight it suited me because I've realised I actually find being in a relationship very stressful for a lot of reasons.

No I haven't. I tried dating an autistic man once but our traits clashed and it was awful really.

I've got enough awareness to know that the 'fairytale' doesn't exist but what I have with this man is the closest I've ever got to exactly what I want but I still can't make it work. I hate how I feel.

Can you genuinely not understand how a biological reaction that’s out of your control is different to a conscious decision to have sex with someone?

The feeling and the desire is the same. It's just the opportunity that is different. It was a biological reaction that was out of someone's control that led to it in the first place.

Not really though - I watch an actor I find attractive and ‘fancy’ him while the films on. It’s good fun and a nice feeling. I don’t devote lots of time to it though - forget about it when the film finishes.

Do you watch films and fancy someone with your partner? How does it make you feel about them?

That’s part of the fun of fantasies - people often fantasise about things you wouldn’t/can’t do in real life.

That's what sticks with me though.

If I fantasised about winning the lottery it would be because I'd really love to win the lottery. I could buy a nicer house, I could have a nicer car, I'd be able to do all the things I'd love to do but can't. I could give up work. I could help other people and make their lives easier. It would make life so much better. I would turn my back on most of my current life without a backwards glance. It would enhance everything.

How can having fantasies about another person not be harmful to a relationship? If that is what someone wants and only hasn't got it because they can't have it?

I just don't like the way any of it makes me feel.

I feel for you. Relationships are hard to navigate for everyone. It’s quite common for a person to tick every box and still not ‘be the one’ so to speak and this is common for everyone regardless of diversity.

I see you trying to understand and everyone getting frustrated with you when you don’t. You are allowed to feel however you want. Your partner should make you feel safe and you should trust them, this again is true regardless of diversity.

I am sorry that this hard for you. I think that the other posters feel for him and for you that a good relationship should be attainable between you two.

I don’t know if the show would be helpful for you. I found it was and allowed my family member and myself to get some more understanding of the difficulties.

I guess only you know if you want to be in a relationship. Even with the right person they are not effortless. If you do want to be in one, can you work on compromise? That is the biggest struggle every person has to face in a relationship- finding a workable middle ground. The counsellor my family member saw when we were children and I spent time with also was strong on the idea of compromise and agreeing to disagree and that has stayed with me and helps us to rub along quite happily. And I now use it with my partner

If I fantasised about winning the lottery it would be because I'd really love to win the lottery. I could buy a nicer house, I could have a nicer car, I'd be able to do all the things I'd love to do but can't. I could give up work. I could help other people and make their lives easier. It would make life so much better. I would turn my back on most of my current life without a backwards glance. It would enhance everything.

i think the difference for most of us, is we don’t really think about it that much. Would I love £1million. Of course. Do I think about it. Not really.

i am old now, but I was reasonably attractive when I was young. I had plenty of crushes, the opportunity to sleep with those people was definitely available to me. Just because I thought they were hot didn’t automatically lead me to have sex with them. I feel that is where you are struggling. Could I have sex with the next man I know in real life that I find attractive if the opportunity was there? Most likely. Would I? Most likely not. Even if I was not in a long term committed relationship. Would my husband? Also probably not.
most adults do not act on their sexual attraction to another for many many different reasons

“Do you watch films and fancy someone with your partner? How does it make you feel about them?”

Tbh, no particular way... it’s fiction...I enjoy it while it’s on and that’s it really. I don’t really think about or fantasise about an actor at other times, I watch something and think, ooh, nice and then go feed the dog or wash the dishes or whatever I was about to do after and that’s that.

I’m more likely to watch something, even if I’m not really sure I’ll like it, because there’s an actor I find attractive in it, but that’s about the only difference it makes to anything.

The feeling and the desire is the same. It's just the opportunity that is different. It was a biological reaction that was out of someone's control that led to it in the first place.

They are not the same though at all. Fancying someone is a brief ‘oooh they are hot’ type of feeling.
The feelings that lead to an affair are a lot deeper.
To have a one night stand/affair with someone though IS a conscious choice that’s fully within that persons control.
Fancying the fella who serves your coffee isn’t within your control but most people would never act on it as they are secure and happy in their relationship. It’s usually very superficial so you’d fancy them briefly then likely never think of them again.

Do you watch films and fancy someone with your partner? How does it make you feel about them?

Do you mean to me and DH watch a film together and fancy someone in it?
If you do, then yes all the time! DH will say ‘you’ll love this film, wait till you see how nice the actor is in it’ and I’ll watch it and be like ooooh yes, he’s really nice!! Or DH will comment on someone he likes in the film etc.
It’s just completely normal for us and lots of couples I know.
It has zero impact on our relationship.

How can having fantasies about another person not be harmful to a relationship? If that is what someone wants and only hasn't got it because they can't have it?

Again, you are applying very back and white thinking to a very nuanced situation.

I agree with a pp who said your view of relationships seems very simplistic and childlike.

Fantasying about George Clooney in a film doesn’t mean I’m settling for second best with DH. Fancying the waiter who brings my coffee in Costa doesn’t mean I want sex/a relationship with him at all - it’s just ooooh he was a bit hot! I’m not sat there disappointed I married DH and wishing I was with the Costa barista!! If that was the case, people would never settle down with anyone long term!!

In terms of fantasising about a lottery win, driving a Bentley, living in a mansion with a pool, being married to Brad Pitt etc etc. It’s not that you are ‘settling’ for your Ford Focus, 3 bed semi, existing husband and aren’t happy with your life.

Life/fantasies/relationships etc are all so much more complex.
It’s normal to day dream about what you haven’t got/if life was different etc. I know a couple of very, very rich people who daydream about living in a 2 bed terrace.
This is in most cases how the human brain works, it doesn’t mean we are all unhappy with our partners and ‘settling’ for them.

I have a 2 bed terrace. They'd love it 😁

Thank you for your detailed replies.

I do understand what people are saying, I just can't think in that way. Like I say I don't have brief fleeting fancies. If I fancy someone it's not all consuming but I really don't have the capacity to think anything about anyone else or find anyone else attractive in that way.

I knew i didnt but i hadn't really thought about it before. And I didn't realise that for other people it happens so often!

I have a 2 bed terrace. They'd love it 😁

😂😂😂
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Thank you for your detailed replies.
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I do understand what people are saying, I just can't think in that way. Like I say I don't have brief fleeting fancies. If I fancy someone it's not all consuming but I really don't have the capacity to think anything about anyone else or find anyone else attractive in that way.

I think you’ve summarised perfectly!
That’s fine you can’t think that way, just part of how your brain works☺️
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I knew i didnt but i hadn't really thought about it before. And I didn't realise that for other people it happens so often!

It’s different for everyone, some will think this often and others will be rarely.
It also depends on so many other factors, how stressed we are, if we’ve got a lot of other things going on etc.

I was certain yesterday that I was going to end it.

I felt a bit better about it today but he's come over this evening and I can't do it.

We were looking for a film to put on and he found one that sounded ok but I went to the loo and checked and it describes the sex and nudity as 'severe' so I told him I'm too tired to watch a film after all and come to bed. I'm wearing a million layers so he won't be able to see me and be disappointed when he comes to bed and I'll get up early tomorrow before he's awake to avoid sex.

We're supposed to be going out tomorrow night and I don't want to because of this. I've cancelled a few nights out with him recently because of it. He's gone anyway, which I'm OK with. I just don't want to be there if he fancies someone else. He'll know other people there tomorrow so he won't be on his own.

We've bought weekend tickets to a festival next year. We went this year too and I really struggled with it. I just felt really anxious and on edge the whole time. He's talking about it already because they've started releasing details of the line up and all I'm doing is thinking of excuses not to go. Our (respective) children are going too but the thought of going is making me feel sick and now I feel trapped because my daughter is looking forward to it. Whenever he talks about it I just clam up and can't speak.

He's bought us tickets to a gig in January and now the date is looming large and all I can think is that at least he'll know plenty of people who can take my place so it won't matter that I already know I'm not going to go.

He'd be so much happier with someone else.

Did you discuss not wanting to watch a film because it had nudity in it?
Did you discuss not wanting to have sex?

It’s obviously fine to not want sex any time for any reason but wearing lots of layers and getting up before he’s awake to avoid sex isn’t healthy. You need to be communicating ‘I don’t feel like sex this morning’.

It really sounds like you’ve got lots of insecurities. I’ve got some ND friends who have found following certain tik tok followers really good for improving their body image and confidence.

I’d start by lots of communication with your partner, especially if DC are involved.

No. Didn't discuss it because he chose the film. He didn't know beforehand it was like that because there was nothing in the description to suggest it and if he wanted to watch the film I thought it was better to just remove myself.

He wouldn't have pestered for sex if he'd come to bed late anyway because he's not like that but I just didn't want him to see me and be disappointed or feel eben more badly about myself.

If I'm honest, I don't want to talk about how I feel with him. I don't want him to say anything that would haunt me forever. Because lots of the reassurances on here made me feel worse tbh. I don't want to hear it from him too.

I do communicate if I don't want sex but this was more than that.

If you don’t talk to him about it, the relationship is going to fail anyway. It can’t survive with you harbouring this feelings. You’re refusing to watch films with him if they contain attractive women, refusing to go out with him… he’s soon going to realise something is up.

Maybe think of lust like hunger. It's not something that's in control, and I can still see a cake in a shop window and think, ooh, that looks nice to eat, even though I have a full fridge at home. It's not something that can just be turned off at will.

But just because the cake looks nice, doesn't mean I will eat the cake. I choose to come home and eat my home food, because it is mine, and it is comforting and sustaining in a way that the cake wouldn't be.