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Parents - we need to do something drastic, don't we??

247 replies

BrianOfBritain · 29/11/2022 14:10

Another report about the huge number of teens with mental health problems in the press today. So many of the adolescents I know are anxious, low, self-harming, self-loathing, etc. And almost all the parents - myself included - think phones and social media are partly to blame. But instead of changing it much, we all struggle on with them, saying "well, I'd better let him/her, or he/she won't have any friends" or whatever. We look to systems of online protection to "keep them safe". But this won't even scratch the surface, I suspect. Why are we putting up with/going along with this? I seriously think we might need some kind of revolution, where thousands - millions - of parents act together, pethaps to get rid of smart phones for kids altogether. Millions all going back to old style non-smart tech, all at once so kids are in it together and won't be left out?

Of course the technocracy have more and more ways to get us - and more importantly our kids - most and more hooked. But if we acted together, surely we could step away from it on behalf of our kids. Surely we can do SOMETHING? I suspect it may have to be drastic, to try to turn this juggernaut. Are there any initiatives to get lots and lots of us together to sort this? Is there even any appetite for it?? I just feel like we're passively allowing our kids to be so harmed, and assume we're powerless when we're not...

OP posts:
tunthebloodyalarmoff · 30/11/2022 20:46

Social media is ruining our kids lives but also ruining adults lives aswell. I wish we could go back but we never will now. Parents won't take it away from their kids through fear of their kids being alienated

hpphhp · 30/11/2022 20:48

MintJulia · 29/11/2022 14:18

I have a happy, cheerful teen ds (so far). He has a phone but never carries it and doesn't have any social media accounts.

He decided not to carry a phone in year 6 because he said ' people just use them for bullying and sending dick pics, and I'm not interested.'

At the time I was a bit sad that he was isolating himself but actually I don't think he is. He swims and practices karate. He has friends he chats to via MineCraft and in real life. If anyone wants to ring him, he gives them my number. For him, it works. I'm sure he'll change his mind when there's a girl on the scene but until then he's happy.

I'm starting to think he knows best.

My autistic Y6 does not want a phone (have offered a text/call only Nokia but still it's a no. He says it's just an extra way to be bullied and none of his friends talk about the same interests any more and he's disappointed in them. He is the only child without a phone in his class. He's rejected all technologies, hasn't used his tablet since March and won't even accept a digital watch. I think he might be onto something...

gogohmm · 30/11/2022 20:48

I think there's so many factors at play, not just social media- by all means latch onto this but I'm not convinced.

My dd has been on antidepressants for anxiety and depression since 14, she didn't get a smart phone until just then (she was missing a lot of school and I got it for her because of it not causing it!) I have observed that children aren't allowed to be sad, quirky or different and more, everything has to be a syndrome and you need fixing rather than learning to manage emotions - my dd is autistic though, definitely different.

Media, and tv is as bad, paints a picture of perfection thus doesn't help, but it's not social media, it's "reality" shows like love island too.

We also don't teach resilience, life for more st children (thankfully) is much easier but they don't have the coping skills for when it's not perfect.

Depression and anxiety has always existed too, perhaps under diagnosed in the past, but there's probably an element of truth in saying that people were too busy working in the past, even teens - todays teens are far more time for reflection but haven't the skills to think positively.

Plus some people unfortunately will have mental health issues, it's not nice but there is no avoiding it.

I don't have answers but i see it in clients and with my dd - it is real but I'm convinced it's not inevitable

Thisgroupneverceasestoamazeme · 30/11/2022 20:50

@AgathaMystery which part isn’t true? Parent Zone are a great evidence backed organisation focused on digital resilience in families that backs what I’ve said here up. It’s easy to find online and their training sessions and research is really fascinating

LoisLane66 · 30/11/2022 20:52

It's got a lot to do with fitting in, looks, clothes, having numerous 'likes' and 'followers' on social media. Everything is dumbed down including exams so it's not mostly to do with that. We worked much harder years ago. Now, if any exertion is required, either mental or physical, it's not something many young people are inclined to do. It's all too easy to put it down to numerous MH issues which proliferate. Almost everyone seems to have a family member or friend or their kids who have ADHD, ADD, HDD, are 'on the spectrum' have Asperger's, are NT, SEN etc...🤔
Where does it all come from?
Then there is the gender conversation...

slowquickstep · 30/11/2022 20:52

urrrgh46 · 29/11/2022 14:53

Personally don't think it's phones or social
Media that's the problem. Imo it's schools, exams, too little control in their own lives and expectations around their future - university etc that leads to poor mental health.

The social media stuff is a red herring. When the rest of a teens life is beyond their control they'll look to control the bits they can and this is where social media comes into it. They'll look to be most popular, fit in, "find their tribe" - all things that involve social media.

If young people had more control of their own environment in the first place - school uniform, less pressure of exams, more choice of what to study, how to study and when to study and even if to study - along with real feelings that there is something beyond school that doesn't make them a failure if they don't get the "right" number of exams then there would be far fewer young people with mental ill health.

If that were the case, teenagers for generations would have had the same mental health problems in the same numbers but they didn't. There has been a huge rise in the numbers in the last decade.

Noangelbuthavingfun · 30/11/2022 20:54

Think I found it but is it mainly about transgender or more widely applicable? Thanks !!

AgathaMystery · 30/11/2022 20:54

Thisgroupneverceasestoamazeme · 30/11/2022 20:50

@AgathaMystery which part isn’t true? Parent Zone are a great evidence backed organisation focused on digital resilience in families that backs what I’ve said here up. It’s easy to find online and their training sessions and research is really fascinating

That children need tech to learn to navigate the world. They do okay without it. And when they need it, they learn it.

Noangelbuthavingfun · 30/11/2022 20:55

AgathaMystery · 30/11/2022 20:39

@Noangelbuthavingfun Abigail Shrier. It’s an excellent read. My copy is dog eared and highlighted.

Think I found it but is it mainly about transgender or more widely applicable? Thanks !!

Thisgroupneverceasestoamazeme · 30/11/2022 20:57

@tunthebloodyalarmoff did you post this using a writing slate and pencil?!

FootieMama · 30/11/2022 20:59

@SilverGlitterBaubles,
I am one of the most strict parents I know. We have a no device at dinner table policy and wifi goes off at 10pm for their devices. They also have limited computer time during the day. Mobile phone is an issue because even whithout Internet it is always at hand during the day.
It doesn't help that school work is on the computer where they are asked to use youtube and other sites for homework so I can't block it. And they are now in their teens so it is even harder. They are quite good in swtching off at night so far but still a constant battle to get them off during the day.
When they were small it was easier but now they have a social life that revolves around phone messaging and I dont feel I can or should stop them having access to their friends messages. I feel I can only offer advice and the controls I mentioned before.

AgathaMystery · 30/11/2022 21:01

Noangelbuthavingfun · 30/11/2022 20:54

Think I found it but is it mainly about transgender or more widely applicable? Thanks !!

It’s very girl specific - I found it really absorbing. There is a lot of focus on social media & tech.

Thisgroupneverceasestoamazeme · 30/11/2022 21:02

@AgathaMystery surely you could apply that principle to anything?! Learning by experience, role modelling and examples set in the milieu is far more powerful than just learning something as and when the need arises

AgathaMystery · 30/11/2022 21:06

Thisgroupneverceasestoamazeme · 30/11/2022 21:02

@AgathaMystery surely you could apply that principle to anything?! Learning by experience, role modelling and examples set in the milieu is far more powerful than just learning something as and when the need arises

You make an excellent point.

I’ll be really honest… this topic fascinates me but I don’t care what other parents do. I’ve got mega sporty DC who are currently in the minority in their class because they don’t own a device. I feel no inclination to get them one. As for social media for them? It’s not happening.

Cuppsoupmonster · 30/11/2022 21:16

I won’t pretend I know what the answer is, but comparing ‘the youth of today’ to when I was a teen, a few things spring to mind:

  1. everything is pathologised. Kids aren’t ‘nervous’ before sitting an exam, they ‘have anxiety’. They’re not ‘upset’ when they fall out with a friend, they’re ‘depressed’. When I was a teen I had my ups and downs but my parents just left me to work through it, which I think helped with emotional resilience.
  2. Precocity. We didn’t worry about climate change or politics etc - not much beyond GCSEs and whether I was running out of Charlie Black. Kids seem to be encouraged to worry about world events beyond their control when they shouldn’t be. It doesn’t make them intelligent or astute it just needlessly worries them.
  3. Smart phones. You don’t really need to go out your front door any more - you can chat online, use pornography to meet sexual needs and it’s basically one huge gratification-fest.
  4. A lack of calming activities. Mindfulness was kind of built into life (without such a wanky name) - in the evenings there wasn’t a whole load to do with 4 channels and no Internet, so reading/drawing/talking on the phone were staples. You’d sit on the bus and just look out the window rather than gazing down at your phone.
  5. Parents, particularly middle class ones, can’t seem to accept when their kid is averagely intelligent and isn’t suited to the university route. They’re all convinced their kid is ‘very bright’ but just needs to ‘unlock his/her potential’ with a ton of extra curricular. Just let them be teens FFS.
Cuppsoupmonster · 30/11/2022 21:18

slowquickstep · 30/11/2022 20:52

If that were the case, teenagers for generations would have had the same mental health problems in the same numbers but they didn't. There has been a huge rise in the numbers in the last decade.

Show quote history

And over diagnosis. Parents drag their kids off to the GP at the first sign of anything.

lifeinthehills · 30/11/2022 21:22

There have always been MH problems with kids and teens. We were just told to suck it up and get on with it. Now we're allowed to talk about it and it's acknowledged.

I do think phones and social media have a role to play in it though.

Cuppsoupmonster · 30/11/2022 21:23

Yes but too much introspection isn’t good for you, I dont think. Sometimes it feels like all we do is talk about mental health and people’s problems. Or is it just me.

AgathaMystery · 30/11/2022 21:24

Cuppsoupmonster · 30/11/2022 21:16

I won’t pretend I know what the answer is, but comparing ‘the youth of today’ to when I was a teen, a few things spring to mind:

  1. everything is pathologised. Kids aren’t ‘nervous’ before sitting an exam, they ‘have anxiety’. They’re not ‘upset’ when they fall out with a friend, they’re ‘depressed’. When I was a teen I had my ups and downs but my parents just left me to work through it, which I think helped with emotional resilience.
  2. Precocity. We didn’t worry about climate change or politics etc - not much beyond GCSEs and whether I was running out of Charlie Black. Kids seem to be encouraged to worry about world events beyond their control when they shouldn’t be. It doesn’t make them intelligent or astute it just needlessly worries them.
  3. Smart phones. You don’t really need to go out your front door any more - you can chat online, use pornography to meet sexual needs and it’s basically one huge gratification-fest.
  4. A lack of calming activities. Mindfulness was kind of built into life (without such a wanky name) - in the evenings there wasn’t a whole load to do with 4 channels and no Internet, so reading/drawing/talking on the phone were staples. You’d sit on the bus and just look out the window rather than gazing down at your phone.
  5. Parents, particularly middle class ones, can’t seem to accept when their kid is averagely intelligent and isn’t suited to the university route. They’re all convinced their kid is ‘very bright’ but just needs to ‘unlock his/her potential’ with a ton of extra curricular. Just let them be teens FFS.

Love this.

Pearmain · 30/11/2022 21:28

Could our culture (or lack of it) play a part in this? The young people I know at work really loathe their country and it strikes me that can’t be good for your mental health? If you feel like you hate your own culture/roots it must be damaging in some way?

pursuedbyablackdog · 30/11/2022 21:36

Cuppsoupmonster · 30/11/2022 21:16

I won’t pretend I know what the answer is, but comparing ‘the youth of today’ to when I was a teen, a few things spring to mind:

  1. everything is pathologised. Kids aren’t ‘nervous’ before sitting an exam, they ‘have anxiety’. They’re not ‘upset’ when they fall out with a friend, they’re ‘depressed’. When I was a teen I had my ups and downs but my parents just left me to work through it, which I think helped with emotional resilience.
  2. Precocity. We didn’t worry about climate change or politics etc - not much beyond GCSEs and whether I was running out of Charlie Black. Kids seem to be encouraged to worry about world events beyond their control when they shouldn’t be. It doesn’t make them intelligent or astute it just needlessly worries them.
  3. Smart phones. You don’t really need to go out your front door any more - you can chat online, use pornography to meet sexual needs and it’s basically one huge gratification-fest.
  4. A lack of calming activities. Mindfulness was kind of built into life (without such a wanky name) - in the evenings there wasn’t a whole load to do with 4 channels and no Internet, so reading/drawing/talking on the phone were staples. You’d sit on the bus and just look out the window rather than gazing down at your phone.
  5. Parents, particularly middle class ones, can’t seem to accept when their kid is averagely intelligent and isn’t suited to the university route. They’re all convinced their kid is ‘very bright’ but just needs to ‘unlock his/her potential’ with a ton of extra curricular. Just let them be teens FFS.

Nailed it even down to naming normal downtime activities as 'mindfulness' wank!

Saltywalruss · 30/11/2022 21:39

hpphhp · 30/11/2022 20:48

My autistic Y6 does not want a phone (have offered a text/call only Nokia but still it's a no. He says it's just an extra way to be bullied and none of his friends talk about the same interests any more and he's disappointed in them. He is the only child without a phone in his class. He's rejected all technologies, hasn't used his tablet since March and won't even accept a digital watch. I think he might be onto something...

Show quote history

Wise boy!

MadeInChorley · 30/11/2022 21:40

I think what teens lack these days is the ability to be slightly bored and the freedom to be listless. Growing up in the ‘80’s and 90’s, there were 4 TV channels and one land line in my house, that I competed for with my siblings. We walked to and from school or took the bus, often dawdling and popping into the corner shop to buy or browse. It was a dull freedom of sorts. Nobody checked up on us, had us on a routine, could track us on our iPhone. We hung out together doing not very much - chatting, kicking a football around the local rec, window shopping, went to a drop in youth club and learned to rub along imperfectly. We knocked on doors or gathered where we knew our mates might hang out.

Now their lives are regimented and rigidly timetabled. With my own kids I realised we are always on a schedule - school, 3 lots of hobbies, 2 careers broken down into 6 minute blocks of Carpe Diem, play dates are arranged and diarised, the swimming pool has to be booked, even the library is hardly open and visited at set times. With me shouting “hurry up!” up the stairs. There’s no loose downtime and drift to soothe the mind - internet and TV fills everything on 24/7. No ability to feel you control life for yourself, make tiny inconsequential decisions and mistakes and own them. Teens feels disempowered and controlled. That’s stressful.

Saltywalruss · 30/11/2022 21:42

tunthebloodyalarmoff · 30/11/2022 20:46

Social media is ruining our kids lives but also ruining adults lives aswell. I wish we could go back but we never will now. Parents won't take it away from their kids through fear of their kids being alienated

We can't go back ( easily) but we can learn to use phones/ the internet etc in a better healthier way.

Alice1land35543 · 30/11/2022 21:47

I don’t agree with the over diagnosis comment. You’re lucky to even get a referral let alone be even seen by a professional diagnosing before you even get to a diagnosis of anything which often have waiting lists for the waiting lists.

A diagnosis for ASC, ADHD is a positive and helpful in understanding mental health.