Things That Shouldn’t Be Said To Children

[SunshineLollipopsAndRainbows]

I get quite upset hearing parents deal with sometimes really little children. For example, I was at work & a little girl was dawdling in the shop. Her dad said “ Ok we’ll leave you then”. Heard this so often & how awful for the child who doesn’t understand that the parent wouldn’t actually do that. When I worked as a nanny, one of the Mums used to threaten that “ Beryl” would come & get her 3 year old. I took her on the tube once & she was inconsolable when a woman near us called her friend “ Beryl”. However, it was sweet revenge when the Mum was attempting to dry the little girl’s hair & she was struggling, saying “No, I want Beryl to do it”!
I’ve also heard parents threaten their kids with the police & even that they would send them to hospital if they didn’t behave. Why don’t they think before they speak?

You don’t seem to know what uppity means.

Also, the PP was responding with a valid point pertinent to the discussion.

I think I’ve turned out pretty normal with healthy relationships with my parents and I can’t remember any negotiations ever taking place when I was a child. There were a lot of “because I said so” or “well, life’s not fair sometimes” as we were being ushered away from the park/towards the car.

We were definitely “left” multiple times and told we were fine when we bumped our heads/grazed our knees. Although my dads favourite was to pretend look in horror at a minor cut on a finger and declare it would have to be chopped off.

My mum had three of us and has recently told me that toddlers are like tiny terrorists and you simply can’t negotiate with terrorists 😅

All in our 30’s now and no therapists as of yet.

I will could ruin your life so no one will ever employ you.

Although my dads favourite was to pretend look in horror at a minor cut on a finger and declare it would have to be chopped off.
Haha, yes! I do this to DD to distract from small ouchies that could derail a whole day: gasp! Do you think you can manage to limp to the kitchen and fetch me a knife? Or should we take you to Dr Zuckerman and let him practice with his new splinter drill?

I agree that a simple “because I said so” or “because Mummy’s the boss” is also effective because however much “no, I’m the boss!” shrieking ensues, they can’t do the why-why-why negotiation dance in response to it. (Although it’s less effective now I’m heavily pregnant and can’t enforce being the boss by putting her under my arm like a rugby ball the way I used to.)

Yes I have read parenting books. I trained as a nanny & love working with children. I thought AIBU was tough!
I really wasn’t setting myself up as some sort of parenting guru. I had absolutely no intention of being judgy or of trying to come across as perfect.

I'm with you booooot.

@GingerScallop might be worth looking into neurodivergence in your second if their sleep is as bad as you say. DD was a crap sleeper and retrospectively we think ASD/ADHD would explain it.

No, "one more bite" is a power and control play from the adult.

There is a difference between encouraging exploring new tastes and insisting they eat one more bite.

There's more at play than the kid who refuses vegetables than a parent not saying "one more bite".

I have thought about this but am not sure they check at this age. Do they? I am ND. The dad might be as well.
Thank you for your comment

No, "one more bite" is a power and control play from the adult.

The parent should be in control in some aspects though, or would it be better to allow my child to assert his autonomy by refusing to eat because he’d rather play Lego? In my child’s case one or two bites might double the amount of food he eats in a meal depending on how he’s feeling. No one approach works for all children, or even the same child on a different day, and not every intervention is about purely exerting power or control over a child.

Yep. There is lots of information out there about how "one more bite" can lead to the opposite effect you want in the long term.

I've found that the most effective thing to say is "you don't have to eat it". It takes all the pressure off, and they're more likely to actually try it if it's their own decision.

That doesn’t work with a child who would happily not eat at all given the choice.

I've found that the most effective thing to say is "you don't have to eat it". It takes all the pressure off, and they're more likely to actually try it if it's their own decision.

Perhaps not terribly useful but DM would say " you don't have to eat up but you do have to shut up" eg: just leave it but don't tell me how you don't like. My DCs had to sit at the table at mealtimes with food in front of them, they didn't have to eat it. 9 times out of 10 they did eat.

Try having a child with Autism that REFUSES to eat. Those extra spoonfuls are imperative sometimes. Every single spoonful is an accomplishment and very, very important.

For judging without knowing the facts

There's absolutely nothing wrong with teaching children that there will be consequences to actions. Simply letting them do what they want and behave badly, then rewarding that bad behaviour, only ends one way

You see if I was a teen or another customer in a shop, I'd giggle at this!

So do you actually not give them any presents if they misbehave?
Either way it's cruel and pointless. If it's an empty threat then it isn't actually a consequence and it leads to children who behave in order to get something rather than because it's the right thing to do.
If you do take away their presents then how can they relate that to behaviour that happened weeks or months ago? Most children don't have the capacity to understand that and it's a completely unrelated consequence that makes no sense.

I just can’t believe people actually care about how strangers parent their children this much. Obviously some of these examples are awful and abusive but I’m not talking about those. I genuinely can’t remember a time I was so nosy that I registered let alone remembered how a stranger got their 3yr old out of a shop. Race them, order them, pick them up under your arm and march them out. I mean really who cares?! And no, just no, your child is not suffering life long mental health problems because you once told them you were leaving them in a shop.

Lol.

No.

Which is fine. But that's one kid in a blue moon. Not most kids

Good for you.

@howaboutchocolate Hahahaha as if! My god, you've taken what I said so LITERALLY!!!!

Indeed there isn't.

But why threaten something that you're absolutely not going to follow through?

The kid is being scared into behaving (unlikely as Christmas drags on and on forever), or will just misbehave and get presents anyway.

Neither is ideal...

Lol you'd hate my fairy door through which the fairies fly in and out to check people are behaving.

Kids test adults because boundaries are what make them feel secure. They need to know that the adults who are caring for them are in control and know what they are doing. The adults need to 'win the battles' most of the time, and they need to win them confidently.