If your dad was physically there, but not emotionally.....

[MimosaMonday]

How has this affected you?

I've always known my relationship with my dad wasn't 'normal' or healthy and I see how it's affected me more and more the older I get.

I know he loves me. Never doubted that. When I say not there emotionally, I guess I mean he just seemed/seems disinterested in me. He doesn't really know me and really struggles to have a conversation with me without looking uncomfortable. He has never taken me anywhere, just him and me. Never bought me a Christmas or birthday present - not even a card. This was always my mum's 'job', as was everything else! His job was to pay the bills. Of course I was grateful for that and he did it for us, but I don't know, I'm starting to see how unusual our relationship is. I see fathers and daughters chatting with ease, laughing, joking, having a real connection I guess and it hurts. I'm jealous, I can't deny that.

The thing that hurts more is that I try so hard with him. I'm interested in him, but it's not reciprocated.

I had a really tough time growing up - mostly during my teens, but because I wasn't physically abused (there was one incident) I just assumed my poor mental health was unrelated to my relationship with my dad, but I now see that there was more than likely a link. I always remember this feeling of awkwardness between us. I really wanted him to take me out and do things with me, but on the other hand I would have been really nervous, because it would have been so alien to me.

As I said at the beginning, I know he loves me, which is probably why I have pushed down these feelings for so long, because I know there are plenty of people out there who never felt loved, so I felt guilty feeling so sad about our relationship.

Can anyone relate? Even if not, some advice on how to move forward - maybe accept, would still be appreciated.

Thanks for reading.

Yes I can, although my experience was different. I guess one difference I feel is that I don't know that my dad loves me. He tolerated my presence for the most part, but I would struggle to call that love. I have had a lot of therapy and I now feel more comfortable saying that I didn't feel loved growing up, and that has left a void in my life. I was physically provided for but what I really wanted was to feel loved and secure and I didn't.

Simply put some people just aren't fit to be a parent... Try not to take it personally
. My df was more or less absent my whole life. His loss I figure..

Gosh huge hug @MimosaMonday I could have written this xxx

This is really sad. I also think therapy would be helpful. I know it is sometimes hard for people to confront these kind of feelings, sometimes through a sense of loyalty, or because of some ideas about something not being "bad enough", like the fact that others had it worse etc, but it is well worth doing.

Young people need relationships where their feelings are listened to and validated in order to learn what to expect from others. If we do not get that validation from parents, it cuts deep and can massively affect all our relationships. Especially that with ourselves. It sounds like you are squishing your feelings down, not honouring them.

It is not wrong or disloyal to address this. In all likelihood, he didn't have the skills to parent well, he was probably not parented sensitively himself. You knew he loved you. However, that was not good enough. We don't just need to be loved, we need to feel loved. He did not intend to, but he has caused you damage.

Through therapy, you can work out your feelings and hopefully identify choices. Perhaps trying to develop your relationship, or to limit it, or perhaps finding acceptance of who he is and peace with the relationship you have now, or something totally different. But right now, this makes you uncomfortable and niggles away, so doing nothing is not working for you. Your feelings are valid and deserve to be honoured.

My father is like this but it's simply never bothered me tbh.

I realise now that I grew up in a very old-fashioned family in which DM took care of the house and children, and was the one who dealt with all family problems, and she had no or very limited paid work.
Dad's role was to bring in money, and he worked very long hours to do this. His job exhausted him and he was generally grumpy in the evenings. As children we never played with him, and he was not very talkative.

As I got older we found a way of rubbing along and we found things in common, but while we have a perfectly warm relationship I wouldn't bother him with my troubles even now.

To me this is absolutely fine. I don't feel I'm missing out on anything and I'm not bothered by it at all. So yes I relate (honestly!) but I think that it's not a problem because it just suits us as individuals.

I could have written your post.
My dad has just been a physical body there throughout my life. When he was there emotionally, it was in a bad way... he was argumentative and basically a bit of a c*nt. My brother is no contact with him as a result.
When I visit my parents, I don't know how to talk to my dad. It feels awkward like being in a room with a stranger. He never ever visits me. On my birthday, my mum comes out for a meal.. he wont - "it's not my thing" he says.
I feel like I need to keep him in my life because one day he wont be. But really, and I feel awful saying this, he adds nothing positive to my life at all. If my mum dies first, he will be on his own.

Yes l can relate to this op. My dad was the breadwinner and just not very present in my life. He became very ill which brought us closer before he died but definitely wasn't a hands on dad . Never knew any different so can't even feel sad

My dad was like a stranger in the house, I didn’t know him at all really. I was quite intimidated by him, he was grumpy and never really spoke to us kids much. Then he died when I was 16, it all still feels really weird. I feel like I never really had a dad.

TomPinch agree completely, my exact experience too.
I don't feel sad or let down or damaged by it, it was our normal and it was fine.

My dad is like this and it hurts. I love him and he loves me but we never ring each other or do anything together. He makes no effort so I just see him when I visit my mum.

Same here.
Mine only rings me when he is steaming drunk.

yeh, my dad was there physically but not emotionally. Always agreed with mum.

I read about re-parenting in a self-compassion work book and it made me realise the impact of his passivity in my life.

Because the re-mothering aspect of reparenting was validating yourself, soothing yourself, being kind to yourself... re-fathering was where I needed to work. Refathering is about boundary setting, assertiveness, having goals, setting and achieving them, motivation, speaking up to question or disagree. I was like a woman who had not been ''fathered'' at all.

Almost exactly the same upbringing and I didn't really think much of it at all until I had children of my own.

Now, in middle age, I can see that having a present but absent dad who you are always trying to impress or get close to is a terrible model for relationships. I've either been with emotional cold fishes, or exploitative narcissistic individuals who sensed my need for validation and closeness and absolutely ran with, whilst running me into the ground.

Solidarity, OP.

I could have written your post too. It feels awkward if we’re left in a room together alone. I know he loves me but he’s just never shown much interest. I too sometimes feel jealous (and also a bit amazed / bewildered) by close father-daughter relationships where they are affectionate and do things together. That would be totally alien to me. It’s only in my 30’s that I’ve started to realise how it’s affected me… I’ve always felt insecure about whether people like me, I’ve been a people pleaser (trying not to be anymore) and I’ve always gone for men who are emotionally unavailable because that’s what im used to.

No advice really OP but I understand. As I get older im trying to just accept that it’s who he is and it’s not because he doesn’t care, he just doesn’t know how else to he. I don’t think he got a lot of love and affection himself growing up.

Doubt my Dad loved me, after about 15 we had fuck all to say to each other. He was closer to my more attractive sister (eww) even said to me once, you would be attractive if you looked like your sister

He died when I was 15, meh I was upset at the time, but he was an abusive misogynistic cunt. Don't miss him in the slightest.

I only wonder why the fuck my mother stayed all those years, probably circumstances and the era.

That hit hard, same. Tbh I didn't realise for a long time just how abusive my childhood was, not only parents, siblings too. It's no wonder I'm fucked up, cba with any of them.

Yes, this rings true for me too.
My relationships with boys/men were dreadful growing up. I ended up being groomed by a 45 year old man when I was 17 and thought I was in a 'relationship' with him.
I also had many, many one night stands.
My relationship with my father definitely impacted how I related to the opposite sex.

Yes, this was my experience growing up and still is now. Sadly, my Mum died in 1991, so it's been quite tough maintaining a relationship with him. I manage by aligning myself with things he likes. His only real hobby/interest is cricket, so to spend time with him, I'll buy test match tickets & go with him. He used to like walking, but needs a knee operation. He had the other knee done, but it hurt so much he wouldn't have the other done. Prefers to walk with a limp. We both foodies, so at least we can enjoy a good meal out occasionally. He's remarried, so it's not just the two of us. He gets on much better with my younger brother, so we usually meet up with him and SiL as well. It is what it is. I am also a people pleaser that married an emotionally unavailable man.

I can relate

My dad was just always there in the background, but never really seemed to contribute emotionally?

And as you say, birthdays etc were all my mum's responsibility.

I now live abroad and he himself has never directly called me up, emailed me ( can't because he can't use a computer, but hey, he could learn?) or written a letter. It's always via my mum.

You know that song by des'ree? You gotta be calm, you gotta be cool, etc?

Well, there's a line in it that says 'read the books your father read' : my dad never read any books worth reading. I always feel disappointed when I hear that line.

I could have written this post OP. I love my DF to bits but if I didn't bother with him I'm not sure we would ever speak again.

My best friend has an amazing relationship with her DF. They've always done all the stereotypical daddy daughter stuff and now he's such a big part of her life. I'm so happy for her but it kills me

I was very sad about this as a child.

I feel that my relationships with men in my teens / twenties and poor decision making with partners, going for older men / inappropriate choices came down to a lot of "daddy issues".

I have worked hard to build a relationship with my dad as an adult. He did love us in his own way. But never knew how to show it. That's because of his own traumatic childhood. I know he has regrets.

I could’ve written this about my own dad, word for word. He wanted the typical family/children on paper, but it’s like he couldn’t deal with our physical presence - we didn’t ever have fun, play games, do nice things together or just sit and chat. He was always a bit awkward when my mum or his subsequent wife wasn’t there, like he didn’t quite know how to interact with us without them there to dilute it. I don’t think he could ever name our friends, or what subjects we were doing at school for instance.

How has this affected me? Well, sadly my mum wasn’t much better - she was easier to interact with in some ways but not in others and was very spiky, cold and selfish.

I said to DH tonight that I’ve always lacked an adult that I can turn to for advice, somebody that’s really listened to what I have to say and whose views I respect. Ive never had that calming, wise type of person to rely on and as a result I’m quite nervy and anxious. And to be honest, I post too much on here looking for reassurance and advice from older and more experienced women because it’s the closest thing I have to any kind of parental figure. It’s quite sad actually.

I can relate to this ...I visit my father once a week but I think if I just stopped he wouldn't contact me. Contact would just stop. He'd never pick up the phone or call to my house.
He has no interest in my life or my children. I did marry a lovely man who is nothing like him.

My dad was very much of a class and generation where men earned the money, mowed the lawn, drove the car, and left all nurturing responsibilities to their wives. I did have friends who had closer relationships with their dads, but my experience wasn’t markedly unusual, so I’ve not considered it to be something that affected me negatively.