If your dad was physically there, but not emotionally.....

[MimosaMonday]

How has this affected you?

I've always known my relationship with my dad wasn't 'normal' or healthy and I see how it's affected me more and more the older I get.

I know he loves me. Never doubted that. When I say not there emotionally, I guess I mean he just seemed/seems disinterested in me. He doesn't really know me and really struggles to have a conversation with me without looking uncomfortable. He has never taken me anywhere, just him and me. Never bought me a Christmas or birthday present - not even a card. This was always my mum's 'job', as was everything else! His job was to pay the bills. Of course I was grateful for that and he did it for us, but I don't know, I'm starting to see how unusual our relationship is. I see fathers and daughters chatting with ease, laughing, joking, having a real connection I guess and it hurts. I'm jealous, I can't deny that.

The thing that hurts more is that I try so hard with him. I'm interested in him, but it's not reciprocated.

I had a really tough time growing up - mostly during my teens, but because I wasn't physically abused (there was one incident) I just assumed my poor mental health was unrelated to my relationship with my dad, but I now see that there was more than likely a link. I always remember this feeling of awkwardness between us. I really wanted him to take me out and do things with me, but on the other hand I would have been really nervous, because it would have been so alien to me.

As I said at the beginning, I know he loves me, which is probably why I have pushed down these feelings for so long, because I know there are plenty of people out there who never felt loved, so I felt guilty feeling so sad about our relationship.

Can anyone relate? Even if not, some advice on how to move forward - maybe accept, would still be appreciated.

Thanks for reading.

I understand much of what many posters have said. My dad was very charming but had more time for other people especially if they were same sex as him. He is very distant. I used to tear myself apart over it. I would be happy for friends who had good dads but in secret it would make me feel worse about my own relationship. All I take from it now is thank god my own daughter has a good relationship with her dad. I like that my husband cares about what our daughter and son thinks/feels. He will be fair and tell them off when it's needed but he does make sure they have things he didn't have. I like that he doesn't shun our daughter the way my dad did with me. I could do with reading some books about it. I have trouble with assertion and boundary setting, as others here have experienced. I try not to think about it really. I once visited my dad (remarried, lives miles away) and i was the only person he didn't have pictures on the wall of. I always think he had to love himself more and look out for number one because he had a bad childhood. I guess he didn't break the cycle.

@XenoBitch I know what you mean about fathers day cards. My dad was very much "I just work here'' in his style of parenting. My mother's distorted narratives were truth and he backed her up no matter what, and would even act disappointed with me if I had a hurt reaction to something awful she said. It was my hurt reaction that was the offense. He couldn't allow it.