If your dad was physically there, but not emotionally.....

[MimosaMonday]

How has this affected you?

I've always known my relationship with my dad wasn't 'normal' or healthy and I see how it's affected me more and more the older I get.

I know he loves me. Never doubted that. When I say not there emotionally, I guess I mean he just seemed/seems disinterested in me. He doesn't really know me and really struggles to have a conversation with me without looking uncomfortable. He has never taken me anywhere, just him and me. Never bought me a Christmas or birthday present - not even a card. This was always my mum's 'job', as was everything else! His job was to pay the bills. Of course I was grateful for that and he did it for us, but I don't know, I'm starting to see how unusual our relationship is. I see fathers and daughters chatting with ease, laughing, joking, having a real connection I guess and it hurts. I'm jealous, I can't deny that.

The thing that hurts more is that I try so hard with him. I'm interested in him, but it's not reciprocated.

I had a really tough time growing up - mostly during my teens, but because I wasn't physically abused (there was one incident) I just assumed my poor mental health was unrelated to my relationship with my dad, but I now see that there was more than likely a link. I always remember this feeling of awkwardness between us. I really wanted him to take me out and do things with me, but on the other hand I would have been really nervous, because it would have been so alien to me.

As I said at the beginning, I know he loves me, which is probably why I have pushed down these feelings for so long, because I know there are plenty of people out there who never felt loved, so I felt guilty feeling so sad about our relationship.

Can anyone relate? Even if not, some advice on how to move forward - maybe accept, would still be appreciated.

Thanks for reading.

My dad is emotionally repressed, and I am too.

He worked all the hours, paid the bills, did all the practical stuff but never spoke about feelings or that he loved me. We (DB & I) were an expensive nuisance my mother wanted, basically. He'd only speak to us to tell us off or criticìse. He took no interest in our lives, didn't know who our friends were, and even tho I did well at school (DB did not) he didn't say well done, but complain incessantly about the D I got in one of my GCSEs. Only one. All others were C+

I am like my dad in many ways but I try and make more of an effort to know my child and encourage her. I never criticise her weight or appearance. I don't like talking about difficult emotions but I try to with my DD anyway. With my DH, things are much more complex.

I don't always get it right but I have a much better relationship with DD than DF had with me so I think if the cycle isn't broken, it cerrainly has a large crack on one side.

I now rarely speak to him or visit. Maybe 3x a year. My brother lives much closer but he only visits monthly. DB also has emotional repression. It runs in the family.

Another one here like @Goawayangryman (really well articulated) whose adult relationships have been hugely affected by the strange model of love I received from my DF. He would probably have been diagnosed somewhere on the spectrum nowadays. Never doubted he loved me but it was packaged with little understanding or real connection and like PP, I grew up to be a promiscuous people pleaser with terrible boundaries and a sequence of emotionally stunted relationships. Now in my 50s I'm in a deeply compromised marriage. Sometimes I wonder if I'm capable of feeling deep, engaged, trusting, wide open and complete love at all. I only ferl that for my DC. I think my upbringing wired me for a love package that is a mix of tolerance and loneliness. I've never had therapy but know I really should. I hope you do, OP.

Yes I recognise a lot of your feelings about your dad. Although I often got the feeling I was nuisance/got in the way and felt it would’ve been easier if I’d been a boy. My dad was not given to expressing the softer emotions - he was fairly typical of that generation.

As I got older I’d look around at other father/daughter relationships. I found it strange looking at those who were close, I couldn’t relate to that at all which is a bit sad.

My dad was exactly as you mentioned he died l2 years ago but and the weirdest thing happened about 5 years ago, I gave him an old iPhone and loaded WhatsApp.

It was like a whole new relationship, as we lived about 3 hours away, so only saw my parents every month or so.

Well this phone was like his favourite thing and him chatting was so lovely, he embraced the technology.

I used to get random pocket dials, FaceTime calls, messages about things he was doing, photos..

It's like face to face he struggled with small talk, but on the phone and chat he was brilliant.

Just sharing an experience as sometimes it could be a key to unlocking a different way of communicating.

That's supposed to say 2 years ago.

@WishIWasACavewoman christ I've rarely read a post on here that's resonated as much with me. Actually gave me a bit of a shiver seeing my own thoughts articulated by someone else!

I could have written this OP. I have an emotionally absent dad. not even grumpy. its a very strange experience. you aren't alone x

thanks for sharing this - I have never heard specially about re-fathering - can you remember the book by any chance ?

Yup, my dad provided everything I could ever possibly want financially, ponies and private school all the way… he was never even slightly ‘there’ for me then or now. We are not close and he hardly knows his grandchildren. It’s sad tbh. I once told him he’d be a very lonely old man. He is.

My dad has always been physically there. Mum and dad still together. My dads a complete alpha but mysterious. Always a trendsetter, life of the party, great friend. Terrible partner and dad. He will throw money at me, arrange things where he has contacts ie builders - but he doesnt know my birthday, what food i like etc, never actually been anywhere alone with him like dinner etc. ive hugged him twice in 34 years. I almost find it weird/alien that people sit and talk to their dads or their dad offers advice.

How has it affected me? I find myself drawn to elusive men as thats the only male influence i know. Anything else seems weak/feeble or not masculine which obviously isnt the case but theres obviously some psychology behind it?! I would imagine with a dad like mine, you'd crave or seek the absolute opposite or end up with my end of the scale and seek the familar.

Its had a positive effect aswell. I shower my son with love, tell him daily all the thjngs i wished to hear and am approachable. My mum was also physically there but jeez what a cold witch of a lady. No emotions. My dads far more emotional deep down. Mum has nothing there.

I'm glad there are a couple of other people on this thread whose experience is the same as mine. My father is who he is: a very stoic, undemonstrative, hard-working man who always fulfilled the role that my parents worked out for themselves. My mother enabled him to concentrate on his job which in turn meant she was free to look after us children, and I have always recognised that both my parents were very good in making that arrangement work.

Neither my father or I would dream of saying we love each other. We know it already and, anyway, it would be deeply cringe.

I have never had any sense that I missed out, probably because I got all the emotional support I needed from my mother who I realise, now I'm getting on myself, is the kindest person one could ever meet.

I feel very sorry for people who did lose out. They have all my sympathy. But I'm worried that having an old-fashioned, slightly distant father is seen as a universally negative experience, and that was not the case for me.

I am a father myself and I borrow from both my parents' examples in how I father my children.

DW is not like either of my parents fwiw.

Me too. He was a functioning alcoholic as well. Always put the pub and his mates first. Everyone anyways talks about what a great bloke he was- just wish some of that would have been directed to us. It was mainly disinterest at home.
He was awful to my mum when I look back and completely selfish.
It has always upset me and still does after his death. I have anyways been envious of people who have a close relationship and thought ours was abnormal.

Yep. Dad and Mum were together but he worked away mostly. Distant relationship. Lot's of my friends had same experience. My DH in similar line of work so only sees the kids rarely. So certainly not close. Yeah, it is really normal, don't worry.

I am actually quite close with him now my mother not in the picture, but took alot of effort. As a young person, not so much and I didn't make the effort, nore did he. Work took priority. My DH like that too. Work is the first wife and child, all the others are just extras but the first two get all the attention. In later life though have done.

I remember telling my mum I didn’t love my dad as much as I loved her. I must have been aged between 6 and 8. I often wonder looking back what that means?

I have always wanted to be closer to my dad but never managed it.

I think I have struggled with his uncompromising nature. He just won’t do something if he doesn’t feel like it, no matter how important it is to you.

My mum has always said you need to charm and make him think something is his idea in order to get what you want from him. I can’t do this. I can intellectually understand this type of person now I am an adult but I think it may have had a negative impact on me as a child.

Having to bat my eyelids to get what I want makes me angry and feel gross. Sadly I think this is also why we’ve never been close!

My dad has never been there for me emotionally. We had an argument 10 years ago resulting from me needing some reassurance from him and it really pulled the wool from my eyes.

What really hurts is that he didn’t even hug me when I saw him the day after being diagnosed with cancer, yet he’s all over helping my half brother (probably guilt from not seeing him for years as a child).

My mum had a difficult relationship with her dad, who was a kind man but completely emotionally unavailable. She even asked her stepdad to give her away at her wedding, because she felt so much closer to him - her dad apparently didn't mind this. She married my dad who is a warm, loving person and has been a wonderful father to me, so at least she broke the cycle.

@MimosaMonday sorry to hear what you’ve been through with your dad, it all sounds quite sad and has affected you deeply. Have you got any siblings you could talk about this with? How does he treat your mum and do you have a close relationship with her?

I can relate to this and although you might see a lot of lovely looking father daughter relationships from the outside I think there are quite a few of us too.

The sad thing is I think he kind of longs for that too when he sees it but isn't capable of it.

He would be upset if we didn't come over for things like Father's Day or his birthday but he doesn't actually want to talk or spend time with us. He will actually just come in for a minute then leave his children to do stuff together in his house. A pp mentioned her mums stepdad giving her away. When I told my dad I was getting married he told me that I know him and he's not one for speeches or giving me away so not to expect that. He did give my cousin away at her wedding as she'd lost her father to cancer.

In my childhood if he wasn't working away etc he would do everything in his power not to be at home around us. He would be in the pub every weeknight until closing and back again at weekend if he could get away with it. He provided a roof over our heads and an education and he feels that was his job and he did it.

I'm sure if I needed something like money he would provide whatever help he could. He would never be someone to talk to or confide in or provide emotional support and he has stated this himself. He wants headline information so that he is able to respond to others if they ask about me or his grandchildren. He'll realise he doesn't have recent photos of his GC only when he meets up with a friends and they are showing theirs off.

I never had grandparents and grew up watching all my friends spend time with theirs and was so happy that mine had their grandad and hoped he might be different with them. Again I know if I asked him to pay for something for them he would and I had things like music lessons which I cant afford for my kids I know he would pay if I asked. He doesn't actually spend time or talk to them.

I'm pretty sure he loves his children and grandchildren and worries about our health, safety and financial futures but he does not and has never liked me as a person. I think he would do in adulthood if he could be 'proud' of me and talk about me to others. There are many aspects to this, I have no achievements to be proud of in life and also things like looks etc. I'm sorry I have no advice to give you. It is very sad and I've no idea how to deal with it. Even now in my 40's I'm sitting here blubbing.

Your post resonates with me OP. My dad (now 87 years old) is a good man but an absolutely terrible father from an emotional point of view. I feel and have felt invisible to him all my life .I don't think he has actually ever listened to me .When we were young he was obsessed with news bulletins and listened to them at every meal , in the car , on the television.All day long when he wasn't working .We always had to 'be quiet' because of it .Now he is in his late 80's and quite deaf .He does not even try to listen and seems to just zone out when I talk. He actually gets up when I talk and faffs about or goes off and watches the T.V again some sport or more news .I realised this wasn't normal when a teenager and I saw my best friend and her dad and how they used to chat away to each other on the way to school in the car .That never happened between me and my dad even in the very many intervening years .Likewise he has never ever done anything with me on my own and now never will. He wasn't much better with my brothers either but does at least try to talk to them now.
My mum is great and was such a good mother and has more than made up for his lack of closeness to me . I understand your thoughts and the void it leaves.

Absolutely. 100%. You could be describing my relationship with my dad. He's dying from cancer now, I'm in my 50s and I'm sad that I'll never have and never did have a relationship with him even though he was present and my parents are still together.

I can't believe how many of you can relate. It's sad, but I feel less alone. You just don't see these kind of relationships, so you feel very isolated.

Just finished reading all your posts, but will reply properly later. Thanks so much for sharing everyone.

I think that's just how most dads WERE.. they were expected to be the breadwinners & have mates at the pub.. child rearing, cooking, housework was for the woman.
I don't have many memories of daddy / daughter time, but the ones I do have are lovely. Mum was a bit distant. Dad was more cuddly & he'd be the one who saved baby shoes, etc..

My DF was a war baby who had parents born in the 19 noughties.

He's also autistic and I suspect his DF was too.

So I see how he is very much in this context.

It was only when I had dcs and realised other grandfathers babysat/ took DGC out etc that I noticed that he was any different. I thought all fathers were a bit emotionally distant. Like that was a male thing.

My DM worked weekend night shifts when I was young so he did take me out, to the cinema etc. Disney dad stuff I suppose.

I can't even imagine ever asking him for advice. The idea of that sounds preposterous! I'm struggling to even imagine what that's like tbh!

I thought it was just normal that he wasn't very interested in me. I never saw it as an active rejection. I don't remember friends etc having dads who were any different.

My DPs divorced when I was an adult. Then I noticed that he didn't bother with me at all. No birthday cards ever. (Don't think he even knows the date) On me/ DGC birthdays/ Xmas he just hands over cash.

I don't think I've got 'daddy' issues. I've never liked older men or gone for emotionally distant men etc.

I was happy to be a single mum though as I didn't really see the point in fathers!

My dad was totally disinterested in me. That was probably exacerbated by my mum waging a campaign from a very early age to make sure I knew how awful he was. I was just different to him, I did a levels he left school at 15, he went to the pub every single day and he preferred that to being with me and his wife.