If your dad was physically there, but not emotionally.....

[MimosaMonday]

How has this affected you?

I've always known my relationship with my dad wasn't 'normal' or healthy and I see how it's affected me more and more the older I get.

I know he loves me. Never doubted that. When I say not there emotionally, I guess I mean he just seemed/seems disinterested in me. He doesn't really know me and really struggles to have a conversation with me without looking uncomfortable. He has never taken me anywhere, just him and me. Never bought me a Christmas or birthday present - not even a card. This was always my mum's 'job', as was everything else! His job was to pay the bills. Of course I was grateful for that and he did it for us, but I don't know, I'm starting to see how unusual our relationship is. I see fathers and daughters chatting with ease, laughing, joking, having a real connection I guess and it hurts. I'm jealous, I can't deny that.

The thing that hurts more is that I try so hard with him. I'm interested in him, but it's not reciprocated.

I had a really tough time growing up - mostly during my teens, but because I wasn't physically abused (there was one incident) I just assumed my poor mental health was unrelated to my relationship with my dad, but I now see that there was more than likely a link. I always remember this feeling of awkwardness between us. I really wanted him to take me out and do things with me, but on the other hand I would have been really nervous, because it would have been so alien to me.

As I said at the beginning, I know he loves me, which is probably why I have pushed down these feelings for so long, because I know there are plenty of people out there who never felt loved, so I felt guilty feeling so sad about our relationship.

Can anyone relate? Even if not, some advice on how to move forward - maybe accept, would still be appreciated.

Thanks for reading.

Isn't this down ti the traditional male role model back in the day?
Dad worked to put food on the table and mum looked after the family and the home?
My dad loved me but struggled with emotional stuff - like a lot of men.
We did use to do stuff though.
I remember one day - me and him went ti fetch something- car part I think - and called off at Skegness fir the day.
He held my hand all day
I didn't get really close to him until about 6 months before he died
In those last 6 months we spent some really quality time together and had the relationship I'd always wanted.
So glad we had that before it was too late.

I could have written this word for word, add in that he's always so angry with the world, esp aimed at me it seems.

Oh yes, the jealousy of seeing others relationship with their fathers 😥 big hugs for everyone on this thread xx

I’m exactly the same sadly. I could never ask my Dad for advice or talk about any important issues in my life with him. He never asked me about this stuff. Conversation was always superficial, about the weather or something. He’s dead now. It’s very sad.

If it helps I read something that says it's quite common. The general hypothesis was the generation before your father were sent off to war where they basically had to mentally close off a part of themselves to try and survive. Then they were just sent back home and left to get on with things. This then created a whole generation of fathers with what we'd now call ptsd and a generation of children being brought up in a household where the man was physically there but emotionally absent or emotionally traumatised.

Anyway it's obviously a theory not without its criticisms but I think there's some thing in it - but maybe that's just because it's a theory that explains my own parents behaviour very well.

@greeandorange
YES
Exactly- how wonderful that happened

@TomPinch

I'm glad there are a couple of other people on this thread whose experience is the same as mine. My father is who he is: a very stoic, undemonstrative, hard-working man who always fulfilled the role that my parents worked out for themselves. My mother enabled him to concentrate on his job which in turn meant she was free to look after us children, and I have always recognised that both my parents were very good in making that arrangement work.

Neither my father or I would dream of saying we love each other. We know it already and, anyway, it would be deeply cringe.

I have never had any sense that I missed out, probably because I got all the emotional support I needed from my mother who I realise, now I'm getting on myself, is the kindest person one could ever meet.

I feel very sorry for people who did lose out. They have all my sympathy. But I'm worried that having an old-fashioned, slightly distant father is seen as a universally negative experience, and that was not the case for me.

I am a father myself and I borrow from both my parents' examples in how I father my children.

DW is not like either of my parents fwiw.
^^^

Agreed.
Myself and dh having taken on the traditional roles
I'm very close to our son and all 3 sons (2 x SS) know their dad loves them very much and have described him as firm but fair, a protector , great role model and know he would drop everything for them.
Especially now they have children of their own.
But neither would dream of saying 'I love you '
And a hand shake is about as good as it gets , but the love where it's need is there , and some ....

Lot of really sad stories. My relationship with my father was very different in that he wasn't physically there, and was not exactly emotional, but we were fairly close in that I could discuss things with him. We could take about politics, art, books, music, argue about those things too. He wasn't at all a traditional dad. He lived his own life, with a succession of girlfriends and an active social life. He was deeply selfish and hedonistic but I could ring him for a chat. The effect on me, I think is that for years I always went for charismatic men I could never totally trust... Having read everyones stories, I realise that my DC relationship with my husband is going along the lines of physically there but absent and it makes me really sad, and also quite angry.

Almost the same, except I don't think mine loves me. He was physically, emotionally and verbally abusive as well.

I am 45 now and starting to dislike my mother more and more for failing to protect me then, and for failing to grasp why I want fuck all to do with him now.

It's been made worse since I had kids. I have two young children and he has nothing to do with them. Doesn't call them, doesn't buy them presents, doesn't want to to take them anywhere.

I am really, really resentful. I have always gravitated towards older men, both as friends and partners and it's not hard to work out why. I actually feel jealous when I see other people with their dads.
I suppose that growing up I didn't really know it wasn't normal, and blamed myself. Now I know different.

Me and my husband don't have the perfect marriage but when I see him with the children I am so glad I chose someone who would be a great dad

Gosh these posts are amazing and like therapy ..I feel there's so much I can relate to, thank you OP and thank you all for sharing xxx

Hmm. I think this is sometimes about how many men of previous generations were brought up.
It's really not uncommon sadly.
It doesn't always mean that they don't love their children.
They just lack emotional intelligence / language.

That's really lovely 😊

Yes, I agree with this.

You would probably also not see it from the outside (because I can chat away to anything and anyone and I know what he likes to talk about so I just talk about those things).

I don't rely on him at all for emotional support and that's fine. I have friends and other family for that.

But I know I can rely on him to help me if I need it, and vice versa. So although it's not a relationship where we are emotionally close, it's not damaging either.

I found myself reading about abandonment issues in people who had emotionally absent parent(s) this morning and now your post.

Yes, I relate op. I don't question my dad's love for me but he's always been emotionally absent . I didn't understand it as a child but look back now and see how much of my behaviour was attention and validation seeking. It was made doubly tough because he's completely different with my sibling so it serves as a constant reminder of what I've never had.

In my late twenties I gentle raised a couple of aspects of this behaviour and at first he responded but now I get dismissal, mockery and gaslighting. Typically in response to some imagined comment on his part though, as I learned long ago not to say anything / ask for more.

Have no idea how this has impacted me tbh. I know it caused a lot of damage during traumatic experiences but I have no idea what, if that makes sense?

This morning I was wondering how much my reluctance to be in relationships is down to my parents. One emotionally absent, the other emotionally codependent...

isn't this down ti the traditional male role model back in the day?Dad worked to put food on the table and mum looked after the family and the home

Not in my case. He'd be called a cocklodger today. Mum had the career/ was the higher earner. He got made redundant in the mid 80s and never had a proper long term full time career type job again. Mum propped him up. Even doing a 2nd and 3rd job at times. And she still did all the housework. He'd do some babysitting and cook unhealthy (no veg) meals. And the 'man' (eye roll) chores like car/ bins/ finances but no daily drudgery.

She carried him completely.

I don't even think he realises that other fathers have close relationships with their dcs. It's just not something that's on his radar.

This thread has been amazing. Has really opened my eyes, and made me feel less alone.

Does anyone else feel really weird on Father's Day? I want to send my dad a card, but they are all "best dad ever" and all that stuff. He does not meet that criteria at all. He has never been there for me, and he is not a hero or champion or whatever crap the cards say.

Yes to the Father's Day cards. I get him one but search for one that's subtle and not disingenuous.

I don't think he gives a frig about being 'the best dad' or whatever.

I used to think he loved me but just didn't say it.

Now I don't think he gives a damn at all. He prefers DP to me. (Had no sons)

I came across his will a few years ago. I'm not even named in it!

Yes to the Fathers Day cards too. None of the messages work. Find it very awkward. I think the messages do matter to him and he would be upset if there wasn't one. He's not the type to open them whilst you are there which does make it a bit better.

@caroleanboneparte ouch that has to hurt a bit.

Yes, I can relate.

My father always seemed irritated by me. He was cold, annoyed and impatient. I craved warmth from him. ‘Daddy issues’ were a huge factor in choosing wrong men as an adult and as a result I spent many years being miserable.

Had some therapy and it really helped, so much so that I went onto meet a totally lovely, functional man and married him. I’m very happy now.

I have a relationship with my father now, he has softened with age and I know he has regrets and guilt about his treatment of me. It’s hard to totally let it go as his behaviour towards me really, really fucked me up for a long time! My DH is a wonderful father to our son, I just cannot begin to fathom how a parent can be so shit and selfish.

Yes. I find Paperchase sell appropriate lame father cards for birthdays and Father’s Day. No flowery sentiments just basic wording. Sadly I also have to find similar for my mother.

Because the re-mothering aspect of reparenting was validating yourself, soothing yourself, being kind to yourself... re-fathering was where I needed to work. Refathering is about boundary setting, assertiveness, having goals, setting and achieving them, motivation, speaking up to question or disagree. I was like a woman who had not been ''fathered'' at all

Yes that makes sense - the refathering aspect.

I’m so glad you made this thread OP. I’m half in, half out in terms of whether it bothers me. On the one hand, I had everything provided by my dad working long hours - ballet lessons and fee paying school and helped me when setting up my business. So really I can’t complain and am grateful for that. Theoretically I could turn to him for advice but I’m quite strong-willed and he gets put out if I don’t follow his advice to the letter so I’ve learnt not to bother.

But on the other, he’s only really interested if what I am into overlaps his interests. I have to do all the running and he doesn’t sound all that interested when I talk about my life or work etc. I’ve sat in a car with him for 4 hours and we’ve spoken about 3 sentences the entire time. Whereas he loves hearing about my brother and his friends, he likes that they’re a bit laddish and into team sports, even though he’s not at all macho or laddish.

My brother is a completely hands-on father to his sons though, so he’s definitely breaking the cycle.

Sorry for the silence. Had a very busy weekend!

Just read the latest posts and I'm genuinely really surprised how much this has echoed with so many of you.

To those asking, I have actually had a lot of therapy and my dad has certainly come up, but it's never been identified as a core issue.

Part of me feels like I should leave it be and not try to do any soul searching/digging, because all he'll do is say he hates himself, he's just a shit dad and then wallow in self pity. It really doesn't help anyone and if he was genuinely remorseful, he could at least try to repair our relationship a bit.

Got very emotional over the weekend talking to DP about things. I realised that he only tells me he loves me when he's drunk and it's always in a very dominating, almost aggressive way. He grabs my shoulders and shakes me as he says it. Everyone awkwardly laughs and eye rolls, but actually it's really not nice.

This was the case with my Mum but not my Dad. I realise this thread is re: Dads but just to add my experience- it f'ed me up emotionally. Big time. Emotional neglect as a child is no joke

I realised that he only tells me he loves me when he's drunk

I wonder how many of us can identify with this. Mine’s not aggressive but he slurs a bit and gets emotional and I feel like such a bitch but I just cringe.

I grew up at home where my dad was like a stranger and I had no connection with him. He died when I was 16, and I was almost glad because it gave me freedom. My mum was very loving and caring and provided a good home and worked hard and made good money, but she was an alcoholic, and both these relationships with my parents have caused me problems in later life. I ended up with a partner who abuse me physically and verbally, even though I loved her and cared for her and my children and provided a good home and we travel the world together on amazing holidays. She eventually discarded me and turned my children against me. I haven’t seen my daughter for nearly 5 years And next week she is 17 my son was absent from my life for four years and now we have occasional meetings, but we are both traumatised by the parental alienation. My partner grew up in an abusive household with her father and she has done her best to recreate this drama , but then get a different outcome where she is the protector and in control where her mother wasn’t. I’ve research the mental health topics and I realise that she is a covert malignant narcissist. In other words. She is a psychopath and a sadist. She needs drama in her life. She needs to be in control and needs to cause other people pain , but Social Services and Cafcass and the Metropolitan police do not get it. It has been a living nightmare and unfortunately a woman has all the power. My children have been emotionally and psychologically abused and together with a parental alienation. This has destroyed my self-esteem and my life