Im beyond lonely

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Long time reader and poster but changed name to save embarassment 😔

I am so lonely.

I have been single since my pregnancy 11 years ago besides one man. This has massively knocked my confidence as I adore him, crazy in love but he flies in and out my life. I allow it because if he's nice for 4 hours, its 4 hours more than id have without him.

I am so painfully shy.

I cant work due to a heart condition. My son is also long term unwell which is isolating and lonely.

When my son goes to school, i sit for 6 hours in the house without saying a single word. If my brother has my son for a day or 2, i wont talk for a day or 2 besides checking on my son or sayin thank you at a shop.

My cousin moved to the area as her husband is from here, shes made so many friends locally, its so easy for her. Even people ive known for years, hairdressers etc i have a hello hello relationship, with my cousin theyve swapped numbers, go out.

I have no relationship with my mum as she is very dismissive and cold. Also heavily favours my brother and allows her sisters to make comments about my sons illness without defending him.

My closest friend has recently got a boyfriend and shes just dropped me out as shes so invested in her relationship.

Money is tight so joining groups etc feels really selfish and unecessary. And going to bars/dinners is difficult due to childcare and all my friends and cousins being married.

Im so isolated and feel like im wasting away and not living.

Im 33, Im always told im beautiful by everybody, have a lovely child and home. But i cry every day because i have nothing outside these 4 walls. Everyone is zooming ahead with plans and people and life. Im just here.

I feel like even if my brother had my son for 2 nights, i have nobody to call, nobody to see.

Sometimes i just clean my house or go for a drive before getting into bed crying.

Im kind, i dont hurt people, ive dedicated my life to being a good mother but it feels like its not enough. Im so lonely and sad.

So sorry to hear this. Can you do any volunteering?
Church is free and might help open up friendships?

That sounds very hard. I definitely identify with what you say about knowing people for ages but your cousin seems to make a connection quickly. I struggle to get beyond acquaintance while she quickly makes friends. I wish I knew what the answer is. Could joining some online groups help?

I am so sorry you feel this way. But it can change.

You do need to get out in the world. You know there is zero chance of your life improving if you stay at home all day every day.

I appreciate you have no money so do whatever you can for free. Can you do some volunteering? Anything from helping with reading at your son's school once a week to helping out at a food bank or soup kitchen. Find a voluntary role that works with your family commitments and your health limits. Even with poor health, you can still do something.

Look for daytime events in your area - talks at the library or free lunchtime concerts in churches. If you have faith, join a church. If you're not sure, try a quaker meeting - their belief is that they are all put there to raise your child, so you migth sit in silence during the meeting but chat over coffee afterwards while your son plays with other children or is cared for by other adults.

Don't worry too much about who you meet and how you get on. Don't worry if it's not perfect or what you hoped for. You might find things start out as casual acquaintances with people twice your age at a church or charity. They could turn into great friendships or they might have adult children your age who you'd get to know.

Look into local face-to-face courses run during the day at yoru local college or adult education centre. It might be a cliche but it can be a great way to bond doing a creative writing or pottery or upholstery class as everyone is having a go at something new. Acting classes are also really good at helping people bond, even if they are shy.

You could start something up. You could suggest a book club or daytime walking or running group for school mums. Or a support group for single parents. Maybe set up a coffee chat in a nearby cafe on Meetup for single mums locally. You can't be the only person who feels this way.

I feel like i need human interaction 😔 i will honestly look out the window at people walking past and feel so jealous that they have people to talk to and places to go.

Volunteering ive done in the past but because of my health and just general nature, if im unwell and cant make it, i feel like a let down and that they'll be disappointed. My son is also unwell so very often the school call me to collect him so my commitment is unpredictable.

I feel pure unfulfillment. Im so young, could pass for 25, and i live the life of a 90 year old

Sorry to hear that OP. Have you considered emailing your local church? They usually offer lots of non religious activities and support (to all the community not just those who are religious/worship there). Generally they are supportive and used to a wide range of people (being shy would not be a problem).

My local church does cuppa/cake for singles (not a dating group!,), warm Wednesdays, toddler groups etc where you can go along and be assured of a warm welcome and someone to chat to (it would be worth emailing before so they could arrange for someone to look out for you at the door if you are especially anxious).

They also run things like the local food bank, night shelter, support for people visiting relatives in prison etc where you could have a volunteering role of you fancied. That could be at any level including just putting out chairs/washing up/keeping the cups of tea flowing - you could just have a background role.

Just to stress again these sorts of things are community support NOT religious things so you don’t have to be religious.

Everyone is zooming ahead with plans and people and life. Im just here

I used to think like this (until very recently) and then I realised it’s because I don’t put myself out there. Best advice I heard - nothing changes if nothing changes. So be that change that you need.

Drop the man. He knows he can use you and so he continues. No judgment as we’ve all turned a blind eye to shit behaviour when we really like that person. But think of him as the barrier to meeting the man you’re supposed to be with.

You have friends and family (cousins) and them being married shouldn’t stop you from getting together. Speak to your best friend and just say you miss them.

Can you not work at all because of your heart condition? I know one of my friends has a heart condition and isn’t even allowed to go to the gym but she works for the NHS typing up doctors notes. Obviously I’m sure it’s not the same condition but could there be any potential there?

I'm lonely too and it's a horrible feeling. I am married but DH is my only social interaction.

Pre covid I had lots of friends but they've all moved away or now work long long hours.

I think I might go to the local church as a non religious person but I feel that everyone may be much older than me (I'm 35) - my neighbour goes with her friends and she's 76.

I was made redundant in April and due to my small city location - there aren't many jobs around but I'm applying for some everyday. Along with 400 other people it seems.

I'd love to make friends with new colleagues. But I'm constantly overlooked for normal roles because I'm a qualified architect (but wishing to career change)

I have no good suggestions op but I feel for you I really do as my situation is similar to yours. Im 30, have one child, no friends, no family I can talk to or go and see (went nc with mother 7months ago). I've been on leave from work for the last 4 days and haven't spoken to another adult human in all that time other than a 'good morning' when I went for a walk in the woods. I've tried to make friends, go to hobby clubs, do the sports and fitness stuff people tell you about but it just never works out for me, I still end up just as lonely and feel like what is the point in doing this stuff because no one wants know me or is interested in what I have to say anyway. I honestly could of written your post myself. I really hope things get better for you op, sorry I have no advice. Sending hugs.

Working is impossible. I do from home for my dads business but my fatigue and illness restricts me. Imagine hoovering and needing a nap. Then changing bedding and fainting. My free time is sporadic and only when my brother has no plans usually at an hours notice.

People say to go out. Where? With who? Im not religious and my cultural faith is not christian/catholic so i dont feel like church is the place for me. I have gone to community group events before and one in october, everybody knew somebody and i ended up sitting on my own and then left early. I felt stupid and embarassed for turning up

Sounds really difficult. I think you have to put yourself out there a bit. You sound like a kind person that a lot of people would appreciate as a friend. It sounds like your family have ruined your confidence by not treating you kindly or being supportive enough.

Where I live I have noticed a lot of groups that just meet to make friends and do activities like walking, book groups, craft, sea swimming etc. A lot of them take place during the school day. I think you need a build a bit of a routine for yourself and if you can't make the odd week through illness it won't matter. Don't compare yourself to others, just remember you are special, I bet your son thinks so.

The things is, although these things could happen and cause problems, don;t let the possibility of future issues stop you from making an effort right now. Because they might not happen. You are dangerously lonely right now. That is more imnportant than that you might need to leave a voluntary shift early or cancel on people because you or your son is unwell.

Start by making tiny changes. Go for a walk today, right now. Look people in the ey and say, 'Good afternoon,' just to practise chatting. Smile at a dog and ask the owner what breed it is. Start talking - even in these tiny ways - to at least 3 strangers every day. Decide to spend at least one hour out of the house every day in a public place - a library, cafe, museum, gallery, market, bookshop.

Maybe there are local support groups for lonely people, or for people with your or your son's illnesses. Or group therapy for depression which you could be in danger of if this continues. Meeting people with some understanding of what you're going through can be a real relief. Have you looked into any of this?

Hard as it is, you can't hope for it to change if you don't do something different.

What do you care about? Is there a political organisation or charity that matters to you? Or a sport or art form? You need to know what in yoru life brings you joy and makes you feel alive so that people can find a connection with you.

It does s

Its nice to know, im not the only person who feels like this.

At the school gates people always say, "oh id die for your figure/hair/son is gorgeous, id love to look as young as you" and all i can think is 'id murder for a partner like you, healthy child like yours or some friends'

The guy i see time to time is my first boyfriend, we bumped into eachother 2 years ago and i see him alot which is so wrong but that few hours im so happy. If i hadnt seen him, it wouldve been more hours accumulated of not talking and crying

This is so lovely. Has made me cry. Thank you ♥️

I'm sorry but when I read responses like this, I think you are giving up far too easily. Thinsg don;t happen overnight. But even if they take time, you are ahead of where you;d be if you gave up so soon.
No one will ever come knocking on your door deciding to befriend you if they have never met you! You must put yourself out there.

A few years ago, I was very lonely. I do have DH but I work from home, DC were at secondary, so no school run, and the school gate friends I'd had had moved away or apart. I joined a charity, a church, two fitness groups. No luck with the charity - but I had a great year there helping out despite no friendships blooming. Not much luck with the church either. But after a year - an entire year of no one speaking at either fitness group, people suddenly started going for coffees, organising socials, and now there is a buzz when we meet once a week and catch up. You have to stick with things and make an effort.

But you said in your OP you have friends and cousins. Do you make the effort to ask them out?

OP I really do get feeling lonely. I’ve spent entire weekends barley leaving my bed and having not spoke to anyone. We’re all allowed to have ab open discussion about problems we have but don’t let it turn into a pity party.

Have you tried looking at Meet Up groups in your local area? They organise small local get togethers based around common interests. So if you like walking there might be a ramblers group, or a film group for example. It’s a good way to meet local people, and helps to overcome shyness a bit to have a film/baking/rambling etc to talk about.

Keep talking to people at the school gates - you might strike up a friendship with some. Suggest a coffee afterwards at yours?
Does your guy have local friends he could introduce you to?
You could post on MN local for suggestions of non-religious activities?
Talk to your GP for suggestions?

argh I had this jumpy keyboard!

It does sound very hard, but honestly there are groups and volunteering things that will take you. Our local library runs courses for free which are about 5 weeks long, so not too much to commit to, and if it's the only hard commitment you've got in the week you can to an extent schedule naps etc around it. Volunteering also, you just need to find somewhere that can cope with you either turning up or not. Just be upfront, you only need one place to take you, and there will be many places where you turning up sometimes will be more useful to them than you not being there at all. Reading at a school night be a easy start but maybe not the best for getting adult to adult interaction. I used to volunteer on the tea round in a care home and in a hospital. No one needed me, staff could always do it, but they appreciated me showing up and being a new face.

Will try to work out how to log on the website and message you ♥️

Yep same here OP. 28 years young, single mum to 6 year old living the life of a pensioner except I have to go out to bloody work. Would love some mum friends to hang out with/without the children. Based in the Midlands if anyone wants to be my friend 😩

Maybe one of those people who do find it easy to make a connection could tell you (and the rest of us) what their secret is? Luckily I've got family - inlaws, dgc, daughters in law, a partner - so I'm not lonely, but I've never found it easy to strike up good friendships with other women.

@theblackbird

ive always made effort but like i say, newly married people who work full time and me who only has an hours notice if i can be child free, doesnt really materialise often. They mix with alot of other couples but with a 3rd wheel its awkward.

My close friend in a new relationship also has a one year old and works alternating days and evenings so again schedules dont line up. She went from calling 3/4 times a day to a call once a week now shes with a new person. My other cousins are a few hours away but all work. Again cant arrange things when i only know an hour or 2 before that ill be free, assuming i am well and need to be close to a disabled child.

I appreciate you have felt like this but its been years for me due to health and childs health so pity party words arent helpful and id speak to my mum if wanted to hear them, thank you.

I know that type of loneliness you describe OP. It absolutely corrodes your soul. I came to hate walking because I could hear the sound of my feet on the pavement, because I had no one to talk to. That became the sound of loneliness. And yes, the supermarket check out person being the only person to speak to.

if you haven’t experienced it, you can’t even begin to imagine what it is like.

OP, do look for what is going on in your area. Even if the people going ti tea groups are older than you, you can still make friends with them. Look in libraries for adverts for local groups.

Explain your situation to volunteer groups and see if there is anything.

The shyness is a big issue for you. Can you get any support for that? From a mental health charity?
At the end of the day you need to force yourself to talk to anyone. If you are doing things to talk about that will help.