Im beyond lonely

[cutiemcsweetie]

Long time reader and poster but changed name to save embarassment 😔

I am so lonely.

I have been single since my pregnancy 11 years ago besides one man. This has massively knocked my confidence as I adore him, crazy in love but he flies in and out my life. I allow it because if he's nice for 4 hours, its 4 hours more than id have without him.

I am so painfully shy.

I cant work due to a heart condition. My son is also long term unwell which is isolating and lonely.

When my son goes to school, i sit for 6 hours in the house without saying a single word. If my brother has my son for a day or 2, i wont talk for a day or 2 besides checking on my son or sayin thank you at a shop.

My cousin moved to the area as her husband is from here, shes made so many friends locally, its so easy for her. Even people ive known for years, hairdressers etc i have a hello hello relationship, with my cousin theyve swapped numbers, go out.

I have no relationship with my mum as she is very dismissive and cold. Also heavily favours my brother and allows her sisters to make comments about my sons illness without defending him.

My closest friend has recently got a boyfriend and shes just dropped me out as shes so invested in her relationship.

Money is tight so joining groups etc feels really selfish and unecessary. And going to bars/dinners is difficult due to childcare and all my friends and cousins being married.

Im so isolated and feel like im wasting away and not living.

Im 33, Im always told im beautiful by everybody, have a lovely child and home. But i cry every day because i have nothing outside these 4 walls. Everyone is zooming ahead with plans and people and life. Im just here.

Thank you 🥹🌸♥️

You're welcome.
That makes sense but seeing someone 2-4 times a week is a lot when you're not in a relationship. You assume vice versa but if you've never asked, then who knows! 😉
It's not nice being in a low mood and it's not always healthy to keep busy. I know what you mean about single person activities.
I don't mean to make your friend feel bad for being in a relationship, not at all. However she's your friend and you should be able to talk to her. Even if you tell her that you're pleased things are working out for her but you miss her and would like to arrange a catch up.
I know what you mean about being the person people run back too! 😔 x

Its SO frequent! But when you have nobody to talk to and someone you loves calls, you go running / let them come.

Thats kind of you to assume he'd want me 😂 he loves me alot but we are not eachothers futures. Our values dont align and they're all on non negotiable things. I try to enjoy it, then pull back, then go back cos im lonely and love him then before you know it, its a vicious cycle.

My friend is very prickly when confronted and its not my nature to bring things up, i definetly dont wsnt to lose her. Her boyfriend is an utter prick but shes infatuated which i get. I just take the contact when its there and leave it when it isnt.its not right but when ive mentioned before that shes 'gone missing or where you been' its always endless stories about her boyfriend. I think im way too passive and rarely say whats on my mind, coupled with being quite selfless, you dont get heard! Funny how they contact 24/7 when the boyfriend makes a mistake or they need something!

I think ive been unlucky with friends, 2 moved abroad and my culture - which most of my friends and obviously family are from - marriage or a partner is the be all and end all and they seem so tunnel vision once they've all found it

I totally understand that and have been in that situation. When they get in touch, you're there!
Well why wouldn't he want you!? Like you say he loves you. It's a shame that it's non-negotiable and you can't compromise.
I know what you mean about the vicious circle. If you're happy for that to happen and can deal with it then that's all good. But if you find yourself sitting and waiting for him to get in touch....well..you deserve better than that.
Is he the one to initiate contact or do you do so too?
I understand, but I don't mean confront. Say it in such a way that you're seeing how she is and ask her if she fancies meeting up for a catch up and some girly gossip!! If you say it like that then I don't see how you would cause an issue.
If she is a true friend then you won't lose her!
It's not fair that you only take the contact when it's there. It should work both ways and you shouldn't have to think twice about getting in touch.
Yes it does sound like you're quite passive, that's OK so long as you don't get walked on but sadly it sounds like you are a bit. It's not fair for you to feel hurt and be the point of call when things aren't a bed of roses!
It's not nice when you're unlucky with friends but hopefully with some of the advice off here you will be able to make some new friends in the future.
Yeah the tunnel vision is difficult when you feel left out. But focus on the positives that you have going on for you! x

I actually have never ever initiated contact with him. But i am 100% waiting around. Almost to the point where i wont eat, get less productive untill i hear from him. Especially as i know its not going to materialise into something i try to hang back as much as i can. I try so hard to pull away before he moves on which he eventually will! because ill be devestated, have tried many times but he'll constantly message and call until i speak to him and deep down i do always want to.

Im in constant conflict between just enjoy it while it lasts, or leave before it gets heartbreaking.

My cousin hates his guts and wont let me talk about him, my friend is a soppy idiot like me and says just do what makes u happy 😭

Sorry to read this OP. You aren't alone in that there are lots of others in the same situation. Apologies if it has already been suggested, but I found a dog to be a wonderful companion that got me out and about and really grounded me in a community I'd lived in anonymously for years. I'd walk the dog every day and get chatting to people on my own terms. Sometimes small talk is all you need but often I'd have exchanges where some really profound information was shared with people whose names I never knew but whom I think about years later. Those connections were so valuable at the time.
Anyway, it doesn't have to be a dog tho they are a great prop for connection. Would you qualify for funding to do a course while your son is at school? Something creative often fosters chat without forcing it on anyone. As I say, there are plenty of people out there for you, it's just getting together. Make the most of the time your child is in school. Best of luck and go for it.

Are you me, OP? Days can go by where I don't speak to a single adult (except shop assistants/a colleague on Teams about work). I do work but only part time around DC.

I'm following to get some ideas too.

I don't cry about it though, I feel like I've become quite numb to the loneliness

This is really kind, thank you. I will look into your suggestions about the courses. You're so right, its even small talk for 5 minutes that would lift me up.

We recently lost our family dog and with my health and working from home and the days my child is unwell, i think a dog would add to my stresses if it was anything like our last dog.. a nutter!

Thank you 💓

I used to be like this too OP, very lonely and isolated - had people in my life but other than one close friend, no one I really had a proper friendship with. I did/do have a partner but I craved and missed that girlie friendship and someone to socialise with. Like you, I was always told I was ‘so pretty’ ‘you have it all’ ‘I’d love to be like you’ but I never understood why, because I thought so lowly of myself I didn’t think anyone could really like me or be interested in being friends with me, so I closed off and pushed everyone away.
we ended up moving away because I thought it would be good to start fresh, we’d been living in the town I grew up in and I thought there was nothing and no one here for me. However that didn’t work out for a number of reasons and we ended up moving back. Here’s where it changed.. I decided to change my mindset. I’d labelled myself as the lonely person who no one wanted to be friends with, and what that meant was I was outwardly giving off signals of ‘don’t talk to me’ and I’m sure I probably came across as rude or full of myself. (Not saying you come across like that, but you mentioned maybe people having the wrong perspective of you because of your shyness)

I decided I had to make an effort, I had to ignore my inner voice and decided to create the life I wanted. I started making more conversation with people I would have called acquaintances, invited people for coffee which took a lot for me to do, stood with moms in the playground, and reached out to old friends to see if they wanted to catch up through Instagram. I went to toddler groups and chatted to the moms about anything and everything (I know your son is older but maybe you could try to get chatting to his friends moms) and I basically forced myself out into society. One of my now good friends I met in a playground, she looked nice so I made myself talk to her and before I knew it we were exchanging numbers and meeting up for coffee. There’s lots of lonely moms out there looking for friends, you just have to find them.

this is a long post sorry, I’m rambling.. but my point is you have to put yourself out there if you want things to change, and you might be surprised at how open and willing people are to form a friendship with you. You have to change your perception of yourself, it’s cliche but if you’re not friends with yourself you’ll find it hard to make and maintain friendships.

I hope that makes sense. There’s lots of great advice on here, there’s app’s for meeting other mom friends (can’t remember what the name is of the one I used but Google it!) there’s also always community events and projects going on, if you are able to - go along. So what if no one talks to you, go again and again and soon enough you’ll be a familiar face and conversation will follow.

best of luck OP, I really hope in a years time you’ll feel completely differently and not lonely at all!

OP you're not far from some friends of mine - who would also understand about being disabled and having a disabled child. Can I pm you?

Omg, sooo not rambling. I enjoy reading every reply so much.

I do need to put myself out my comfort zone. Its been so many years ive become so used to it and accepted this is just how its going to be but i dont want this. Im young and deserve more than this. I already feel like ive wasted sooooo many years being a mum and just in my house. I need to grow my wings for sure. Im going to do this 🥹

Thank you ♥️

Of course, thank you x

That's not healthy waiting around for him to get in touch, but I suspect you already know this.
Without being too personal, I'm guessing that you are intimate whenever you see each other?
Do you ever go out with each other for a coffee?
If it is a case of him getting in touch to have his cake and eat it (you also have needs and there is nothing wrong with that, but the waiting for him and not functioning properly until you have is so not fair on you), then I think you might be best pulling yourself away from him if you can.
Once he does meet somebody else and you get dropped for her, that is seriously going to mess with your head.
You don't need him to complete you (even as an interim). I think it would good for you to focus on the aspects of your life that you're not happy with and to try and meet new people.
I also think it would be interesting to see how he reacted if you were to contact him first. I know that slightly contradicts what I have said but it would be a bit of an eye opener and his reaction may help you to see things differently.
If he doesn't like it and thinks that you should be at his beck and call but not the other way round, well that's hardly fair and not how you treat someone you love.
Sorry if I'm waffling!!
Your cousin probably sees him as using you I should imagine x

I totally see its bad for me, dont worry. Its just having the strength to pull away from him and keep it that way when he reaches out.

We do lots of things. He's come with me to collect a car miles away, we stay away for the night if my sons not around, ive taken him airport, he's taken my car to mechanics, bought me a fridge freezer when mine broke, we go out to eat, we go for drives and 'dream house hunting', we stay in and watch films. Its a relationship without a label as neither of us talk or see others but i also feel like he doesnt owe me much and he is free to do what he likes, but what he likes is me right now 🤷🏻‍♀️

You sound so lovely and kind and if I wasn't at the opposite side of the country I'd be you friend in a heartbeat! Even though I have a busy job and good health, I relate to so much of what you have said.

🥹 Thats so lovely. I honestly feel like ive felt more kindness from strangers on here than my own real life people! Send me a message, we can be postcard pals 💌😂

That's great that you do all that stuff together!! He certainly likes you right now if he wants to spend so much time with you! Maybe you should have a chat with him about potential. Is he quite open? Maybe he is waiting to see how you feel!
🤷‍♀️🤔 x

So really you are in a relationship. But if you aer so certain there is no future, can you see that you spend your limited energy and health on him which leaves you much less time for any other activities or trying to start socialising more?

To me it's strange to hear that you both adore each other yet can't possibly have a future - I suppose it's possible when one partner is very religious and you say you are not.
It's a strange set-up though, maybe a good idea to take a break from it and see if you can do other things instead, taking all te advice on this thread? You can always go back to him by the sounds of it.

I wish it was religion. Id just pick his and be with him if it was that! He's not the focus of my problems, infact he's been a saviour in alot of way.

Im at a loss with friends and hobbies due to circumstances and health but im feeling positive and want to make the changes 😇

I feel for you so much. Life can be tough. Remember that you are the most special, loving, incredible human being in the world to your son. That's the best place to ever be. I would actually suggest a chat to your GP or a counsellor. You sound defeated. You have excuses. You will find it hard to lift yourself without support.

I promise you are not alone. You will find your crew. They're out there feeling the same, waiting for you x

Hello @cutiemcsweetie I'm sorry you're feeling so rotten.

Having a chronic illness is so hard.

Please may I suggest contacting https://www.cisfauk.org/whatwee_do

Oops posted too soon!

It's an organisation that supports people with long term conditions that make it hard for them to live a full and 'normal' (whatever that is !) life.

They run support groups that you would be able to engage in to get you started. You have the will, it's just knowing where to start that's the hard, scary and intimidating bit, but you can do it.

Some NHS trusts also run programmes to support people with long term conditions, and some even do social prescriptions that offer access to a range of things. Worth a Google.

One thing that I would say is that it's perfectly fine to be up front with people when you start a new activity to explain that you have some health challenges that mean you can't always be consistent with attendance. People understand (and those who don't generally aren't your tribe anyway). If you tell people, they know why you don't always show up, rather than assuming that you are aloof, or don't like them (most people are paranoid about being liked and accepted, believe me !). You can be straightforward and brisk when covering that, for example
"I'm really loving this group/activity, and really looking forward to next week. Just worth saying though that I've got a dodgy ticker so sometimes don't feel well enough to get out the house , so please don't worry if I can't make it regularly. But I'll try my hardest as it such fun/you lot are so nice/it's such an interesting activity". Then move the conversation on. No need to dwell or explain any gory details.

You sound lovely and I'm sure that once you are out there you'll find equally lovely people to share your time with.

honestly @cutiemcsweetie the only person who can change this is you.

yes you have some limitations in terms of health/childcare. But if you’re sitting at home for 6 hours a day or not speaking to anyone for 48 hours whilst your brother watches your son, you clearly have some access to free time and childcare.

how do you use it?
what hobbies/interests do you have?

Have you tried a book club (online or in person), knit and natter, local library activities, board game groups, language groups, creative writing groups, volunteering with local charities who need admin or social media support, etc?

what about trying the Meetup or peanut apps?
borrow my doggy for pet/social contact

short courses/adult education classes at your local college/university

when you do meet people how do you behave? Do you chat? Ask questions about their lives/families/interests?
mot do you sit their mutely and expect the other person to befriend you?

how does your social interaction differ from your cousin who doesn’t have these challenges? Could you copy her behaviour?

if you could give us an idea of your interests and what you’ve tried we could offer more constructive help.

OP I too am 33 and have had loneliness, recently split from husband and would sit crying in the garden in the rain at how lonely I felt, all very dramatic I know! I think sometimes it's hard when people think you have it all looks, figure etc and actually the reality is if only you knew. When I would be sat crying in my car or in the garden I used to think nobody would think I would be crying historically like this.

Anyway it is hard as you have set backs with health etc but confidence wise you really do need to fake it til you make it. I haven't read the full thread but sometimes it can seem everyone is chatting at the gates and why does nobody speak to me but actually what have I done to make effort with them? Sometimes we expect everything to come to us, not saying you do! Are there any local area groups on fb? I think if you posted anon and explained the situation and said anyone else lonely and looking to meet you would get soo many people come forward! You could be that person to help people come together and that will give you confidence. Set up a group, hire a hall at the church and for times you get ill have somebody who will commit to taking over. Call the group something funny, explain what it's about.

Please love yourself, you live one life, I always think when I'm on my deathbed what would I look back and think. Try and bring humour into conversations, be cheeky or funny it always helps. I used to be so bothered what people thought and because I am ok looking I used to put myself down so people would like me. Fuck it, put yourself first and get a group set up or someone else will!!

Why don't you volunteer ? You will make friends there !