Im beyond lonely

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Long time reader and poster but changed name to save embarassment 😔

I am so lonely.

I have been single since my pregnancy 11 years ago besides one man. This has massively knocked my confidence as I adore him, crazy in love but he flies in and out my life. I allow it because if he's nice for 4 hours, its 4 hours more than id have without him.

I am so painfully shy.

I cant work due to a heart condition. My son is also long term unwell which is isolating and lonely.

When my son goes to school, i sit for 6 hours in the house without saying a single word. If my brother has my son for a day or 2, i wont talk for a day or 2 besides checking on my son or sayin thank you at a shop.

My cousin moved to the area as her husband is from here, shes made so many friends locally, its so easy for her. Even people ive known for years, hairdressers etc i have a hello hello relationship, with my cousin theyve swapped numbers, go out.

I have no relationship with my mum as she is very dismissive and cold. Also heavily favours my brother and allows her sisters to make comments about my sons illness without defending him.

My closest friend has recently got a boyfriend and shes just dropped me out as shes so invested in her relationship.

Money is tight so joining groups etc feels really selfish and unecessary. And going to bars/dinners is difficult due to childcare and all my friends and cousins being married.

Im so isolated and feel like im wasting away and not living.

Im 33, Im always told im beautiful by everybody, have a lovely child and home. But i cry every day because i have nothing outside these 4 walls. Everyone is zooming ahead with plans and people and life. Im just here.

You don't have to be a Christian to ask for help from your local vicar. They should respond to anyone in need.
If your son in Y6, then I'm afraid you've not got long to make the most of school gate interactions; it's all change at secondary! Have a go at keeping the conversation going next time someone talks to you. Although it will be out of your comfort zone to start with, the more you try, the easier it will get. But as other posters have said, you do have to keep trying.

But look how many people have responded to your post!

Yeah, my phone has never been so busy! I will look into this, thank you for your kind words ♥️

Thank you, I will look and search online. Im in South East london towards Eltham if anyone reads this and is local.

Yes the silence is actually deafening sometimes and really impossible to understand unless you've been there.. sometimes i blast music or a show i love and half the time i dont even take in a word cos im so deep in thought. Its draining after so many years..

Happy to try and help :-)

You could also try Samaritans?

Sorry to hear how you are feeling, OP.

It might be worth looking at Scouting for your son to participate in and yourself as a volunteer? If you have a supportive local unit you can have a conversation about both being able to attend when you are well enough but it might not be every week. As long as they were not relying on you for ratios I am sure they would welcome some extra adult support and work with you to include your son to help develop his friendships & confidence too.

Op I found a walking group on Facebook last year. I agree we have to put ourselves out there too. Feel for you. Could you suggest a meetup with mams/kids. I lost alot friends once kids moved on. It was difficult. I have dog find they get you out.

Walking groups not an option due to my condition but thank you 🌸

I willl look into some groups to do together but I think i need to do things away from my child - sounds terrible - but he's been stuck to me for 11 years and I need some time for just me. Much appreciated though 🌸

If you like reading, how about a book group? I'm sure you could find an online one if you felt that might be an easier way to start?

It doesn't sound terrible to be looking for things away from your son. It sounds extremely sensible.

Evenings will get easier quite soon, as he gets more able to be left home alone. However I think it's better to start with things during the school day if poss, so you can husband your energy. Maybe schedule in a nap between your activity and your son getting home, and deliberately keep the day before light.

You could volunteer at school to help the kids with reading or become a dinner lady. Or do a short course over a weekend or in the day to keep yourself occupied. It's hard making friends as we get older but sometimes interactions and conversations are enough to keep us feeling part of a network.

Can you search for a book group that rotates round people’s houses? They are usually free and won’t use up too much of your energy? The library, their website or even search Facebook groups should have details of local ones

I would agree on finding something you can do either on your own or with other people that's not too expensive. Like a craft or painting group, gives you something to pass time and be creative, you can go to the group but it will still happen if you miss a week and you will soon get to know people. It's easier to chat when you are doing something with your hands.

Also, you might want to see if there are any wellbeing groups/cafes in your area e.g. Renew network. They are set up by churches but open to anyone. They were literally set up to reach out to people who are isolated and lonely (which is a lot of people) and be somewhere you could go and spend time in friendly company.

Could you volunteer one day a week in your son’s school? You can explain your health limitations but it would get you mixing with adults.
Do the school do any coffee mornings for parents?
Would you manage Pilates? Classes often run in the day.
Sometimes you have to be seen a few times at a class/event before people will chat to you. Don’t feel self conscious though as there’s always people who want to keep themselves to themselves.

I'm sorry to read your post and about how you're feeling.
I understand how you feel as I have a son who is disabled and I gave up work a few years ago to become his full time carer.
It can be lonely, especially when you find out who your friends are along the way (or should I say so called friends!!)
I have a partner but he works 4 on, 4 off but I still miss that connection of having a friend, go out with the girls etc. I understand how you feel about how your life is and it's just passing you by and you want something more.
Does the guy you see occasionally have a girlfriend? If not, I would have a chat with him and be straight. Tell him how you feel and whether he would be looking for a relationship with you?
If not, then I would just forget meeting occasionally. I understand it's nice to have that attention for that period of time but in the long run I don't think it's helping you and your self esteem.
Has your son any particular friends at school that he could invite for tea sometime? You would get to meet the other parent and the offer could be reciprocated (obviously dependant on your child's health at the time), which could start a friendship.
Did you used to spend a lot of time with your best friend before she got into a relationship? I would talk to her, tell her how you're feeling. Suggest that you meet once a week or fortnight for a coffee and a catch up.
Are you particularly close to your cousin? If so, you could talk to her about how you're feeling and suggest doing something once a month. Go to hers for tea and vice versa. If she has kids then it would be good for your son to mix too.
If you Google 'support groups for single mums,' there are quite a number of different ones (Mums Meet Up/Netmums etc), you could meet someone in your area in a similar situation.
I also think it might be worth you having a chat with your GP. I hope you don't mind me saying but you come across as somebody who could be depressed, most definitely anxious and they would be able to offer some support and advice.
It is tiring physically, emotionally and mentally when you have a child to care for who is ill plus with your own health issues. I think it would be good to talk to someone.
Good Luck x

Try Meetup or the Peanut app for Mum's looking for other Mum friends locally

What about the W.I? (Women's Institute)

They meet once a month, have a walking group (which I realise might not be for you) a baking evening and every so often have lunches in the local pub. You may be able to meet people that way.

I'm sorry. I used to be very lonely as well (now I'm the opposite). Things really can change.

Can you make friends with the parents of your child's friends, by organising playdates and inviting the parents along too? Maybe even a couple of friends at once and suggest the mums go for coffee at the same time?

Depending on your level of fatigue, can you do a couple of hours once or twice a week working in a charity shop?

Can you so something you can sell at a local market once a week?

Can you offer phonecalls for lonely elderly people (i think it's Age Concern that organises this)?

Can you a course in the day time at a local college or community centre, like an art course, or whatever you're intetested in?

Could you post on Facebook- asking if there are any other single parents who want to meet up during a weekday? When I moved to a new area last year I put on Facebook that I had just moved, didn't know anyone, and would love to meet local parents. Quite a few people got in touch, and one of them I have made friends with (we WhatsApp each other and meet up, and invite each others' kids to parties etc).

Can you ask your cousin to introduce you to people?

Hi OP, I have an idea for you!

You should definitely try the app bumble...hear me out! On the app they also have an option called 'BFF', it's not for dating, it's to meet new people. You put up a few pics, make a profile and there are so many people on there looking to make connections/friends. I used it when I moved to Australia several years ago and knew no one and made some really lovely friends! You can find people in your area who are in a similar situation to you, people who maybe just want someone to go for a walk/coffee/cocktails with. It was great for me, so I'd recommend giving it a go!

It sounds like you're pretty low and maybe depressed. There is support out there, via your GP or through a helpline.

Volunteering in a charity shop would get you mixing, keep you busy and rebuild confidence. You can fit your hours around childcare. What about an online course, FutureLearn have 100s of free ones that are valuable in terms of employment, yous be able to join online tutorials.

Food banks are crying out for people and you'd become part of the community too. Also, homeless and refugee charities look for people. It's really hard breaking out of loneliness and it's easy to start feeling like you'll never break the cycle but you can.

Your GP can help, short term treating your depression and just taking a step toward getting help will give you a real sense of achievement.

You're too young for this. Anybody would be but 33 is no age to be having these issues. It won't last forever, you can improve things but in the meantime you can have a network of support and friendship here, you're not alone.

Thank you for replying 🌸

The guy doesnt have a girlfriend. He's my ex boyfriend from about 16 years ago. He's not someone to settle with, he's a very erratic person. He's WHO i want, not what i NEED if that makes sense and i assume vice versa so a relationship is definetly not a possibility. Shame because i honestly adore him. We see eachother maybe 2-4 times a week. He'll stay and leave before my sons awake as id never want them to cross paths.

I actually think in terms of mental health im in just a general low mood. I do keep as busy as i can, its just interacting with people that i dont have. Today i took my son to my brothers, went for a massage, had my nails done, did the food shop and the bedding but again all of these are single people activities.

I dont want to make my friend feel bad for having a relationship, i think unless you're on the receiving end people cna be blind to how much they've changed once they're with someone - but im always the first call when the guys being an idiot and they want someone to listen 🙄

Thank you for your suggestions 💓

How did you make the changes and what ages were you with the lonlieness and then becoming happier?

Thank you for taking the time to reply btw 🌸

My son has a couple good friends. I chat to one mum via text but she has 4 sons and a husband - i seem to find once people are with someone, the single ones get left behind. I have a few people to have a very superficial conversation with - weather, current affairs but it never goes further. Maybe because im shy i come across as stand offish.. the school mums tend to have known eachother for years and years whereas i moved and changed areas too which didnt help!

Aww thank you, ill definetly try this. Glad it worked for you 🌸💓

It is a huge shame at this age. I did ask my cousin to meet up tonight but she had plans with her husband, my friend i was really close to is working tonight. I wish i could drop a text to a friend and go for a cocktail or them come over. Instead im bathed and ready for bed at 7.50pm on a saturday night rewatching old episodes of towie 🥲

I also used to be very shy. Then I did change. I think the turning point was realising that I was just as good as everyone else. If not a bit nicer, sometimes!
Also realising that almost everyone has insecurities and self doubt, they just are better at hiding it. Fellow more introverted people I discovered are often the nicer people. Pluck up the courage when you feel ready, low stakes, try and just get chatting. Be positive about things. Ask them questions rather than trying to think of interesting things to say. Its easier. Good luck. You deserve to feel better 🌹