How did you decide how many DC to have?

[happyfeet5]

Thread out of pure nosey-ness. Not yet TTC but thinking about the future and how expensive things are getting, it seems that even comfortable families would have so much more resources to give to just one child!

I love the baby stage and the toddler stage but I can only imagine how costly it is to have a high school aged DC. Birthday parties, clothes, spending allowance the latest gadgets, holidays, money for school trips, tutoring if they need it. Is family size (ie 2 or 3 siblings growing up together) worth more in the long term than providing the best of the best opportunities and lifestyle for one DC?

both of mine were unplanned ( I wouldn’t change them for the world though) however I decided solely after having my daughter dc number 2, that I defo wasn’t having another one. She’s a no limit soldier who doesn’t give one. My son was so easy, I was fooled and sucked into false pretences...

I originally wanted 3 kids (I was the youngest of 3) but after spending a week away with my dh's extended family and saw how his sister was knackered with 3 kids under 4, I decided I didn't want to be outnumbered so went with dh's suggestion of 2 kids. Very glad I did, as my health and finances could not cope if we had a third child.

Even before we were officially engaged DH was telling everyone we'd have 6.

A jazz quartet, a concert pianist and one for luck in case of tone deafness.

We have 4. I sometimes say that I had them close together because I knew that if I'd ever got completely out of the nappy stage I wouldn't want to go back. There's not quite 6 years from eldest to youngest. I also had watched friends and family, 5.5 years seemed the biggest gap where siblings shared a childhood and memories of holidays etc.

2 and 3 are closest together with only 18.5 months. Yet sometimes it feels like 2 families - the older 2 boys are teenagers and the younger 2 (girl and boy) seem so much younger.

It was the fourth child that forced the bigger car.

Fwiw - eldest is angry that he didn't get piano lessons as a child and wishes he had the skills to be a concert pianist. He plays bass guitar and cello. 2nd plays flute and percussion. 3rd is 12 and has tried a number of instruments after starting Suzuki violin at 3. Now plays trombone somewhat reluctantly. 4 chose a clarinet aged 7 but doesn't show much inclination. He might be our 'tone deaf'. The chances of them playing as a quartet is provably nil. It's not a good reason to have 4.

Rufus27 your story is lovely.

We agreed we wanted 3. We had 2 and with the second, I got pneumonia in late pregnancy and was told our baby would either be dead or brain dead due to lack of oxygen in my body. The baby was fine. My body gave all the oxygen to the baby and depleted mine so it was me that was in danger instead. Then at 8 weeks old, our baby got sepsis and again we were told we have a high chance of losing our baby and to call our relatives to say their goodbyes. We didn't make the calls because it would have meant we accepted it and gave up. Our baby fought through it and fully recovered and is now a chatterbox who sings and dances her way through every day.
After nearly losing the same baby twice, we changed our minds about having the 3rd and wanted to focus on the children we had.

We decided via our ages, time, money.

It's not just what they need daily, it's bigger cars, more bedrooms, trying to be there (school plays) for each of them.

We want to take ours to see a bit of the world, we can cover x4 plane tickets, 5,6 not so much.

So yeah time and money essentially same as most decisions.

Our reason probably would get us judged massively so we never tell anyone the real reason.
We like to fly business class and we could only afford this with one child, another would mean buying 4 seats which we just wouldn't be able to afford. And we like 'our' time which sort of allows us with one kid but with more I wouldn't get as much one on one time with the husband.

Also we want to give the bub the best education, devote all our energy to him, and attention. Our ages too (late 30s) play a factor as well.

We only tell people the last paragraph (when we get asked).

We have 4. We had the last when the oldest was 11 and we did worry about the finances. I have to say though that the older kids (16/14/11) aren't nearly as expensive as I thought they would be. They are happy to have clothes from ebay, the oldest one has a part time job so pays for most of his luxuries and they aren't very demanding or mercenary. Maybe we are just lucky. Holidays are very expensive now though - as is eating out. Those are the things we have noticed the most - we can't eat out for much less than £150 so don't really do it.

DH always wanted to carry on the family name so a boy was always on the cards we had our DD first tried again got a DS he’s the 9th generation of the name. When he was 6 DH was broody and wanted another I didn’t. He convinced me when he said you will never regret having one but you will always regret not having one. We had a 3rd and he was right no regrets what so ever, I did get sterilised though 🤷🏼‍♀️

Growing up I always wanted 3 kids. Maybe because I’m one of 3. I had 3 healthy babies with relatively easy pregnancies and births and for a while did have a real longing for number 4 when DC 3 was about 18 months - 2yo. DH was really not on board and in the end I felt that we were so lucky with what we had I didn’t want any more either.

Now I definitely feel done. My career is getting back on track after almost a decade on a bit of a go-slow and life is complicated / expensive enough with 3 kids! That said, I think I will always have a bit of a “what if” feeling about number 4, but I’m fine with never going down that road.

I always wanted 3 from primary aged.

I didn't want infertility to become an issue to initially planned to have them young (<25). !!

However, Once I realised how much childcare was though and realised I'd not want to be a sahm or dependent on a man I realised I'd need to spread them out.

So I started young and had what would be considered big gaps.

I wasn't in a financially good position when pregnant with any of them but they are all comfortable now.

I wouldn't change it.

I actually never wanted children until I hit 30 and we decided to try. Ended up with 1 boy who is wonderful and so happy. I don't think I could ever go through pregnancy again, also finances were so tight when he was young and I also work in a job where working part-time means I end up doing extra work at home but reaping no rewards from it. Having another would mean extortionate nursery fees and we'd end up in a rubbish position. I am also one of 4 and I have a very strained relationship with my twin sister. I personally feel it was too many children for my mum to actually give us all the attention and nurturing that we needed. My partner would however love another child. If money was no object, I could maybe be convinced.

I knew i always wanted children. None of my DC were planned as such but not prevented. We stopped when my DH hit 40. We ended up with 3.

We said 3, originally. Tried for a year before we got DD, DS joined us as a lovely surprise 20 months later. DS is now 6 months and DH has put his foot down for keeping it at two because the first six months of each baby were so intense - we had two colicky non-feeding contact sleepers - and I’m only just feeling a little more sane as DS is into his own room now.

There’s a part of me that’s sad that DD won’t have a sister, because I have one and she’s my best friend, but that would be a crazy reason for a third so I think we’re done. And there are a few financial factors: certain holidays, potentially private education etc all could be doable with two but absolutely not with 3.

The way my body handled pregnancy with DD means we're only having one. I'd always imagined having two or three but it is what it is. I'm an only child and had a lovely childhood so I'm mostly focussing on the positives we can give DD in terms of attention and opportunities as an only that would necessarily be diluted if we had more. I don't think there's one right answer though. Depends a bit how well you take to parenthood - which you can't know until you have your first. Also depends on your life situation, jobs, houses, finances, health. Lots of things affect what is the "right" number .

It was always going to be two, we never really discussed it much to be honest. As soon as the second grew out of or stopped using anything we gave it away without so much as a backward glance. I’m one of two and it just seems totally normal and workable to me.

Compromise. I'd have liked to have three, DH would have been happy with one. He is a great dad to both DDs.

Always wanted a large family, saw myself as one of those mums with 6, 8 or even 10+ kids. However I stopped at 4 as I hated pregnancy and the last birth was pretty horrible too. After 3 there was always a longing for another but once I had dc4 that longing was gone and I can say 100% I’m content with the number I have.
there are 5, 3 and 4 years between each baby which I’m pleased about. Dc1 is at uni now and I couldn’t imagine having to fund two dc through uni at the same time which is an expense many parents don’t consider when thinking about having babies.

I had two, both boys. Ex-h wanted 3 or 4 but I knew that would break me and we absolutely couldn't afford any more.
They are now at secondary school. I don't find it hideously expensive aside from food and shoes as they don't need childcare anymore and I can work more and have pushed my way back up the career ladder since my career break when they were small

It’s not quite as easy and straightforward. My now ex DH were comfortable. Had our first which took a few years to to conceive. Went for second but ended up with a bigger age gap. Then marriage break up. I manage as a single parent. Kids get what they need. We don’t really have expensive holidays. This summer we didn’t go anywhere other than day trips. Not sure if I’d pay for tutoring - might change my mind nearer the time - eldest is a teen though. They did try lots of hobbies when very young but they’ve had to make choices and stick to one hobby now they’re older. My teen gets pocket money but doesn’t actually spend it. Her younger sibling loves to spend!! They’ve saved birthday/Christmas and pocket money for latest gadgets. Age gap close enough for younger dd to have hand me down clothes apart from where older dd jumped sizes.

Oh and I wasn’t good at being pregnant. In fact if second pregnancy was first I may have not gone down the second route.

So, where too are now may not where you expect to be in a few years time. You could be better off or worse off - financially and relationship wise.

We planned to have 2 but stuck with 1, it was the right choice for us. Our child does a major sport on Saturday and another on Sunday so it means we can get him to all the games and pay for all the equipment he need. Last week he needed a special coat as he was getting so cold and it couldn’t wait for Christmas as planned so £140 later we had it for the next week. Going away with his team for a jolly long weekend, no problem and all excited to go as we know all the parents that are regulars (a lot are onlies or twins) kids after a game go off and play in the woods together building dens etc, adults get to have a beer in the club house with no other siblings to entertain. Christmas and birthdays sometimes we spend a lot sometimes not much depending what he wants/needs. No having to make sure presents are equal in amounts/size/cost. Choosing a school that is right for him without having to worry about what suits siblings or multiple school drop offs. Our son is a social little butterfly always the centre of the crowd and makes friends so easily however also loves coming home to a quiet house with all his own stuff untouched buy siblings. He has 2 bedrooms one for sleeping and a football table/tv room. The fact we both can easily keep up with who he is friends with or not friends with this week.

In our opinion onlies just fit in with your life. Ours from a small age loves really good restaurants, we have done traveling around holidays and it’s easy to fit him in our hotel room and visit places that are good for his very particular interests which if he had siblings they would unlikely to share. We have never had a paid babysitter as he is only 1 we are the lucky position that family ask to him. This week we had a huge medical emergency and I could ring a friend in a complete panic and she said don’t worry I am taking over from you, I will pick our son up with her child and keep him for as many hours or days as we needed. It was a great relief and not something that would have been easy to organise with more.

We always planned to have two. I loved being a mum and persuaded DH to go for a third. He put his foot down about a fourth though! To be honest if we were deciding now we'd probably have stayed at two for environmental reasons.

Just to say, as the children get older, I am able to work more hours, there is less to buy as their growth slows and you just get used to the other expenses! I FAR prefer my 10 and 12 year old experience right now rather than as babies.

We have an issue with mfi. First DS came to us through icsi. I'm pregnant with second DS now who is a miracle natural pregnancy 2 months before we were due to start our second icsi round. With our infertility issues, the fact I hate being pregnant and financial reasons, we're done with 2. I feel done this time even though he's not even here yet, whereas with my first, I didn't feel done, I just thought we would be due to infertility.