Turning the age your parent was when they died

[lolalayla]

Just wondered if any MNers have any experience of this as its making me feel I think depressed. In a little while I'll be coming up to the age my mum was when she died and I've noticed its on my mind a lot, thinking about death a lot, it has made me feel miserable and also weird if I overtake her in age? Anyone been through this and know what I mean?

I haven't reached the age my parents died yet (both were 72) but I do think about death much more these days than I used to. I'm 55 and sometimes I feel like I've got 17 years 'left', which I do know that that's completely ridiculous. It's a weird feeling.

Absolutely !
I was so happy to get past the age when my DM died, I felt like it would happen to me too, and I spent that year going a bit loopy at times.
Now I’m past it I realise how young she was, and what she has missed.

Totally get this. I felt v weird going past the age my mum got diagnosed with stage 4 cancer too. It's totally illogical but I remember the next week thinking 'phew I didn't get it'!!

Yes, I worried in the run to it (my mum died at 48 following a heart attack at 46) and my DS had once made the comment that we wouldn’t see 50. I was relieved once I I reached 49 and am now safely past 50!

It was weird as otherwise I’ve always been quite rational…

Thanks for these replies, all of them have brought me comfort because I do feel like I'm going a bit mad over it and it's very hard to put into words, it helps a lot to know other people get it. I think on some level I do feel like I've only got X amount of time left and I can't see beyond it. My dm was fairly young when she died too. Sorry for everyone's losses here. Its really been dragging me down lately.

Yes, I understand completely.

My mother died at age 45, when I was 10 years old.

It is probably the reason why I married young and had children young (age 19 when I married and 21 when my first child was born) because I always worried about dying young.

I would like compare the feeling of grief like wearing a coat that I can't take off. It's always on me and some days or even years, the coat is light and on other days it is heavy and I just can't move with it on.

Well, then let's add the clock that is ticking and you're the only one that hears it. It's the age of your mother's last year. My mother lived 45 years and 208 days. When I turned 45, I was hyper-sensitive to everything. I had realized how young she really was and I just felt terribly sad on and off.

The day of my 45th year and 208th day, was very solemn. And then, I experienced my 45th year and 209th day of life. Life. I was so grateful and that doom I had felt on and off throughout my life was gone. I was so much lighter. Remember that coat? I don't notice it much anymore. I'm 52 now and I still have it on me but I've learned to acknowledge it and feel grateful that I was so loved by her and I loved her so much back. I changed my perspective of it. Obviously, it took 35 years.

I'm sorry OP for your loss.

I’ve got this upsetting milestone next year (47). My brother’s a couple of years older than me. He got really sporty that year and lost loads of weight. Said he couldn’t wait for his 48th birthday, when he would feel immortal. I think it was probably worse for him because it was our dad.
It does definitely play on your own sense of mortality, and in my case makes you realise how young they were. Sorry to hear you are going through this one OP.

I'm 41 and I've got ten years to go. I've started thinking about it a lot. There were no lifestyle changes or treatments that could have saved my parent as far as I know, it was a freak of genetic bad luck. What if I've got the same thing?

Have you spoken to your GP about it, if there’s a hereditary element ?

My DH’s father died quite young - in his 50s. So when DH turned 50, he found himself getting more and more anxious. Once he passed the age at which his father died, he became more relaxed about it. Neither of us now have parents, so both feel sad at being, in effect, orphans. It was my birthday last week, my first since my mum died earlier this year. It hit me really hard being the first time in my life that I didn’t get a card from my mum.

My mum was in her twenties, I was two. I’m long past it now but it felt very weird at the time.

My mother died at 28 , I'm 46 now. I still think of her every day. I was 7 years old , I wonder what she would think of me now. I hope she would have been proud.

I am now going through chemo for the cancer than she died of. My children are at university but I worry about how they would cope without me. When I think back to the little 7 year old I was and am in awe at my strength.

elp30 you have articulated something I just have not been able to say or pinpoint. Thank you so much for this post, it brought me to tears, it is so relatable and it made me realise that part of this sadness is how young my mum was, like when she was my age she only had this many weeks left and so on. I am acutely aware of the dates and go over when I will get to the age which is a day older than her, if I get to it. It has brought back a lot of the grief.

It's so interesting to read your experience of getting beyond that age, I imagine it feels like 'bonus life.' I am finding it very difficult to think ahead or plan ahead at the moment and feel low a lot. The clock is ticking and you're the only one that hears it so true.

Thanks to all those who have posted on this thread.

My dad passed away at 65. I'm 4 years from that now. He did have a lot of health problems.
My mum passed away recently age 85, she had dementia and there is no way I want to go through that.If I can get to 75 in reasonable health I think I'd be OK with that

Namechanges74

Some of these are so sad x

I’m still lucky to have both mine when I am nearly 50 but my grandad and my MIL both died at 54 and it just really hits home how young it is really x

Totally get you OP. My Mum died at 51 (when I was 25) after having cancer 3 times. It got her in the end.😥 I always thought I'd go the same way. Never bothered with pensions etc in my 20s/30s as I always thought I'd be dead before retirement age.

And here I am at 52. Cancer free (so far) and outliving my Mum. It feels uncomfortable and incredibly sad. It really brings home just how young she was when she died. I miss all the things I never got to do with her. She brought me up to be very independent (some would say too independent, including my mother actually) but there are so many things I wish I could have shared with her.

Right now I'm struggling with peri-menopause and have just made the very difficult decision to start HRT despite it increasing my specific cancer risk. It has brought up so many memories of the 'cancer years' (all through teens and early 20s) with my Mum and seeing the pain she went through. Yet I realise how very fortunate I am to be alive to make this choice. I can't ask my Mum what menopause was like for her as she never made it that far. I feel incredibly morbid. My Mum would have turned 79 this month. I have now been alive for longer without her than I was alive with her. That thought makes me cry as I'm typing this.

As I get older, I feel like I may be living on borrowed time and need to make it count. My Mum didn't get this far so by Lord I will make the most of the opportunities I have and I will live them for her!!

Apart from the ones with obvious genetic links, I have found that GPs/consultants aren't v interested in genetic links

My mum had throat cancer and her brother had oesophageal cancer. I asked the Gp who said he had no idea but did kindly refer me to an ENT (as I had a recurring throat problem). ENT couldn't have been more dismissive! It's v hard to get people to take you seriously and I am aware there is some degree of irrationality about it. I v rarely go to the doctor though so I was hoping to be listened to at least!

@Namechanges74 I hope your chemo is successful x

HundredMilesAnHour I'm not far from being longer without her than with her and can see how that's upsetting. I think the menopause hits home too and not being able to ask them about it. Like you I find it quite difficult and painful to think about things like pensions and retirement. As if that sort of thing doesn't apply to me. I don't take anything for granted, but hope I can move on from the current gloom and morbid thoughts a bit.

Yes I do, I found it quite a weird feeling being older than your parent will ever be. My dad died when he was 32 and I was 1, although to be honest I felt it more when my own daughter turned 1 and I realised how much how I would have missed him even at that age, before I had children I assumed 1 year olds wouldn't really know what was going on. Hugs for you, losing a parent at any age is awful.

I'm already 6 years older than my father was when he died. It did feel rather strange for a while, I must admit.

Nothing to add as both my parents died in their 80s just wanted to say how sad it is that so many people lose loved ones too soon

My dad died at 39, so for me turning 40 was a strange birthday - he always seemed to be so much older than he actually was? It was horrible because when I was a teenager I thought he had more life than he actually had.... Now I realise how young he was and how much he missed out on. Every so often it feels like the time I have left is a gift - it's a strange feeling, and not a bad one - It's good to feel grateful for what I have.

But on the other hand - I want my DC to outlive me in years and I know he would have wanted a long life for me. He never really left my life either. My dad will be a part of my life until the day I die, and I don't even believe in an afterlife!

My dad died when I was 5 and he was 33.
My mum and dad were separated when he died and my mum never talked about him, my grandmother talked about him all the time though which gave me a connection to him.
I had a 7 year old when I was 33 and it made me realise what we both missed out on.