Turning the age your parent was when they died

[lolalayla]

Just wondered if any MNers have any experience of this as its making me feel I think depressed. In a little while I'll be coming up to the age my mum was when she died and I've noticed its on my mind a lot, thinking about death a lot, it has made me feel miserable and also weird if I overtake her in age? Anyone been through this and know what I mean?

Oh I am so glad to read this thread. I'm 44. My mother died at 62 and my maternal grandmother was 56. I know my Mum had it about getting to 56 but then only lived another 6 years. My kids are 9 (just) and 6 and it is horrible to think I might not see them get past 20.

57, 66 and grandparents early 70s. Feel like my days are numbered

So only another 20 or so years to get through this shit, sorry a bit meh today

I feel exactly the same. I’m nearly 45. My mum died at 52 and I feel like I have 7 years “left”. It’s a horrible feeling.

My mum was 69 when she died and her mum was 62. I got it into my head that I would die at 76, 7 years later than my mum. I worried intermittently for the whole year especially as I had had breast cancer at 62 so felt it could strike again at any time. Anyway I am now 78 and hoping I can make it to 80…

My brother and I are both older now than my dad was when he died very suddenly - he was mid forties, we were early teens. Passing the age he was, was weird, but a relief in a way to ‘get it over with’. Moving past it helps you move on, I think.

This is the thread I’ve thought about starting so many times but didn’t, so thank you OP.

my mum died in her 40’s when I was a teenager, I could never see life beyond that age and honestly wondered why I was paying into a pension, looking to buy a house or even having a career!

When I turned 40 my anxiety went through the roof, then when I reached her age I felt like death was right there waiting for me! The worst day was being the same age on the day she died, that was awful, I just sat at home looking at the clock thinking how she felt like me not knowing she was about to die.

I still struggle terribly with anxiety, especially health anxiety. I’ve been through therapy a few times and tried medication, I think the only thing that will really help is to pay for a full health mot and if I was given the all clear I’d celebrate with a very expensive bottle of champagne!

its so reassuring reading others experiences on this.

My dad was 57, I'm in my mid 60s. My brother is 57 next year. I don't know how he'll find it, he was very close to dad and only in his teens when he died. Dad has been dead for 3/4 of his life.

My mum was 70, reaching that will be very odd for me, to be older than either of my parents were ( or any of my mum's siblings either). I don't have any real reason to think I won't live longer than that but I am far more conscious of my own mortality as I get nearer to that age.

My mum died aged 46 when I was 19 and I am now 47.

Getting to age 46 was terrifying as I had spent my entire life convinced I would die at that age. On my 46th birthday, I was terrified driving in case a bus hit my car and on the day I was exactly the same age as she died it was even worse.

I'm still on high alert and have massive health anxiety, my GP is thankfully lovely and when I am convinced I am dying of any cause she examines me and reassures me.

It made me sort out my affairs and put funeral plans into place which isn't a bad thing but it terrifies me that I might leave my DD and make her feel the way I felt then. She has some health issues of her own and is very dependent on me and I've no idea if she would cope on her own (she has not had contact with her dad for several years). I've also been trying to build her support networks so she will have people round her if (when) something happens to me.

I'm technically 8 years older than my Dad as he died at a relatively young age . When I hit ' his age ' I also felt like you and if I'm honest it lasted a good few years .
I don't think you can think like this as to a large degree you have lived 2 separate lives
I am a non smoker, and my father was not , he was a heavy smoker who I think started at a very young age.

My DF died at 54 so my DM was widowed at 51. I am coming up 51 and think of this quite a lot recently. Feel very sad for them both.
My DM was then killed in an accident at 69. I will feel very strange when that comes around, if I get there!

similar feelings . my dad died when I was 4 nearly 5 and when my youngest turned 4 I felt anxious and worried that they would be left without a dad. I was so grateful when dd turned 5, I felt a sense of relief. I was also anxious that I would be widowed at a young age like my mum was.

Tough one, isn't it. Love and sympathy everyone.

My dad died last month aged 85

Dad was my age now when I was born (I'm 43 now) the last 43 years seems to have disappeared in the blink of an eye. Since he died I do often think the next 40 odd years are going to fly by.

Life is very short!

I think it is a common feeling OP. I only realised that when chatting to a colleague of mine whose mum died young like mine (mine was 41, I think his was 47) - we both felt this way and he said he had met others whose parents died young who felt it too. It felt like I was on borrowed time for a while - it don’t think like that now though (I’m 49 so it has been a few years).

My great grandmother, grandmother and mother all died at the same age - 54! Though my mum was so obsessive about dying at that age, she helped to bring it about faster by completely giving up on herself in her final years (alcoholic, anorexic). It's 10 years today that she died actually so been thinking about it more than usual. Dreading turning that age as I think it will send me totally paranoid thinking I am cursed!

@HundredMilesAnHour gosh I feel the same about pensions for that reason. The assumption that I won’t need one as my dad died so young.
@Namechanges74 💐

My mum died at 46. I felt awful turning 40, as though I was entering my last decade. Refused to have a party, etc. Didn't dwell on it all the time but it was definitely a thought lurking in my subconscious for those years. I was relieved when I passed her age and ecstatic to hit 50 - had a huge party. I love being in my 50s. My dad also died young - in his 50s, but I don't have the same feeling about hitting that age.

I feel exactly same my mom died at a age I am reaching and I feel so depressed. I feel guilty about things I could do since a certain age as her final years was full of health related issues. I also can't share this with anyone in real life. My anxiety has worsened due to this.

I’m 6 years younger than my ddad was when he passed. I was 12 when he died and really felt it when my kids approached that age. I was terrified of something happening to dh or I leaving them with only one parent.

I feel much better now but I hope this doesn’t come up again as I reach the age where he died. I honestly didn’t realise how young he was until I had my own dc.

Thanks again to each and every one of you who has commented on this thread. Knowing other people get it has brought a lot of comfort. Sorry for everyones loss and some people were so very young when their parent died, must have been so so hard. I have got a lot out of reading all the comments and it really helps to remember there are others and also really to read about people who have got past the age as well.

I was 15 when my mum got ill - she was 36. She died at 48. First I worried I’d get what she had, then I worried I’d die young. But I haven’t.

I perhaps left it late to have kids because of wanting to get past the age she was when she got ill. But, she had me at 21 and still died young. And now I’m older than she was. Now my oldest is 15 - I’ll be relieved to get them both past that age. But I also know they’d be fine, because, on the whole, I have been.

I think it’s easy to get a bit stuck in mortality maths - at the back of my mind I’ve tried to make sure my kids are resilient and could cope. Nowadays I mostly think she was so young.

@lolalayla thank you.xx

OP my DH has been through this. His dad passed away when he was 3 at the age of 29, when DH got to 29 he did end up depressed and back on sertraline.

My day died at 46 when I was 9, I'm now 41 and I am definitely feeling aware, if you get what I mean.