Turning the age your parent was when they died

[lolalayla]

Just wondered if any MNers have any experience of this as its making me feel I think depressed. In a little while I'll be coming up to the age my mum was when she died and I've noticed its on my mind a lot, thinking about death a lot, it has made me feel miserable and also weird if I overtake her in age? Anyone been through this and know what I mean?

Literally just had a convo about this with a relative today. She has just passed the age her mum died. She said the few years in the lead up were a big worry, but now she has passed it, feels a huge relief.
Her mum's death could have been avoided if she had not smoked like a chimney.

Sorry for your loss OP. My heart goes out to anyone who has lost a parent before their time.

My Dad died suddenly in his late 40s. I have 8 years to go.

I know exactly what you mean. I’ve been fixated on his age since he died. I would work out how many years I should have had a dad, versus how many years I actually have one. I worked out how old my kids would be if my DH died at that age (16, 13 and 8) and I worry about losing him and becoming a widow. I worry about his health, I worry he’ll be in an accident.

Every time I see someone celebrating their 50th birthday (which is a fairly common occurrence due to social media) I find it so overwhelming, but no one else would know. I remember being in a restaurant on holiday when someone at the next table had a 50th birthday cake and feeling like I was in the twilight zone. I’m smiling and singing along. Bit inside I feel sick.

I can’t imagine how I will feel when I pass the age he died. In a way, it’ll be a relief.

I get it too. My dad was three years younger than his brother and always believed he'd die three years after his brother did. As it happened, his brother died at the age of 73 and my dad is still alive at 87.

I'm coming up 61 now and there have been a few friends drop by the wayside in recent years. In one family, none of the three sons made it to 60 which seems a bit shocking these days as none of them had especially awful lifestyles.

Lots of people couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to celebrate my 30th, that was how old my mum was, I am now 4 years older and she has been gone longer than she was alive for.
i did more for my 31st and didn’t feel too bad once i passed the milestone!

My mum died suddenly when i was 16 and my sister was 19. Dsis has just turned 49 - the age our mum was when she died. She found it tough. I found it tough and I am dreading getting to that age and then being older than my mum. I am convinced I won't live to that age.

I'm not quite there yet, my Dad died when he was 52, I'm 39 but my sister is almost 49 and I know that she's feeling a bit freaked about approaching the age that my Dad was when he died.

Bloody hell your mum was young. I thought mine was young to go at 49.
I have lived more of my life without her than I did with her.

I don't know if she's scared that she could also die at 52 but her lifestyle is completely different. He was a heavy smoker and died of lung cancer.

My df’s parents died when they were 52 and 48.
Df is 91 now and dm 87 so I can chill for a bit!

My son has just turned 11yrs old - the age I was when my father died and it has thrown me for a loop tbh. I find myself thinking about death a lot and how I want so much for a different experience for my kids.

Oh wow. Reading these has bought a year to my eye but also a huge amount of relief that I am not alone.

My mum was 53 when she died and I feel like I have 13 years to go. I am already quite a live in the moment person and have no idea how I will handle my 53rd year (if I get there, on my mum's side each generation has died about 7 years younger).

I too struggle with investing in a pension Vs spending it now. And then Dad died 2 years ago at 66, and also never got to retire. He worked his whole life in jobs he didn't much like to provide for his family, with one eye on retiring and enjoying his life and he never got to do it.

Keep going everyone. Grab those opportunities and know that we have a little super power truly knowing life is short and enjoy every moment possible.

Yes my dad was 46 I’m not far off. I have friends who are turning 50 and we’re out celebrating 40th and 50th. Poor dad. He was so young and we/my mum we were so young to lose him.

I'm not quiet there yet, but more and more I'm thinking about parallels in our lives and it's playing on my mind, I'm nearly 30 and my mum was 33 when she died.

We're TTC and if it happens soon, then I'm going to be pregnant at the exact same age she was with me and I just cannot get my head around the fact she was my age and in the last 3 years of her life, really sad

My Gm died at 54 and then my uncle ..her son..died at 54. I found the year when l was 53 really strange and l was very anxious at times and felt a huge sense of relief getting past 54. Obviously l have lots of family who lived longer but 54 got stuck in mind. So l can really understand how it might feature much more if it was a parent.

I calculate my "years left" in exactly the same way.

My mum died when she was 24 and I was 5. I had my daughter when I was 19- so exactly the same age she was when she had me.
I felt so strange getting to 24 and looking at my little 5 year old. I almost felt as if I was going to die too, like I couldn't imagine living past her and getting to be there for my daughter like she couldn't with me. I vouldn't see how the rest of this life was supposed to go. It felt sad and like I was crossing some big milestone- as if getting to 24 was difficult or unusual.

Getting older than she ever did was really unsettling, I felt so young at 25 and 26 because thats still so early in most lives but that was all she got to live. I had always imagined her as a proper grown up- because she was my mum and parents are supposed to be these older adults that are responsible and guide you but now that my daughter is nearly an adult and I am so much older than my mum ever was- she feels so young to me. She just stopped at 24.
I don't remember her and her memory feels like having had a childhood friend who died rather than a mum.
Watching my daughter grow up was strange too- doing things with her and wondering if thats what my mum would have done with me.
My grandpa said that I looked just like her, and our voices are similar.
I like seeing my face age in mirrors and imagining thats how she would have looked too- if she had gotten to grow old she might have had the same smile lines I have, maybe she also would have wrinkly hands or first gone grey at the temples like I did. I prefer that to thinking of her staying 24 forever, that feels too sad.

So pleased to have seen this thread and understand I'm not the only one with these thoughts. Both my DM and her DM died at the age of 64. I remember as a child my DM saying on numerous occasions that 64 was no age to go and then the same thing happened to her. I am the same age now as my DM was when she got diagnosed with cancer - she spent the last 7 years of her life battling it - so that is preying on my mind. I really can't imagine how I'll feel if I get to 64 - I think I will be just waiting for history to repeat itself a third time. On my next birthday I will have lived as long without my mum as with her and that is a humbling thought.

When my dd turned 16 I struggled because that was how old I was when mum died and it reminded me of how young it is to lose a parent.

I apologise for not reading comments but I absolutely know what you mean OP. I'm close to 40, my mum died when I was 4. I have one kid and I struggled a lot when he hit the age I was when she died - I found myself worrying about minor health issues (her death was sudden, unexpected and partly to do with misdiagnosis by a GP, it's led to trust issues around medical care and I ended up with PTSD after the birth of my child took a different turn to what I had hoped for - perfect storm of unresolved issues and a lot of pressure on myself to achieve the birth I wanted through sheer will. I now know how barmy that mindset was!) I recently surpassed the age she lived to and again found myself having strange health stuff happening. The concerns were genuine and matched up with symptoms of her undiagnosed condition. Excellent, understanding GP took me seriously and ran tests while reassuring me it was unlikely statistically. I'm fine - think I had a weird viral thing that just made me unbelievably tired for a good while. I will say that since I've passed that bittersweet milestone, I feel a lot better, OP. It's very natural, I think, to experience it. I suspect there are groups of people, or support groups for them, who would affirm this. Sending you a lot of love. Go easy on yourself in this area. I think it's perhaps one of those "gotta go through it" things. Writing might help. Sometimes it does for me, sometimes that stuff is too hard to put into words and I feel self conscious. Just wanted to let you know that it's not just you, anyway. I feel a lot of love and kinship for people who have lost a parent, at any age.

@spiritedsneeze Hello, thanks for that post. It made me wonder whether that sense of a parent's life cut short maybe explains why I've always found it very hard to imagine my future. Like it just didn't exist. That's the first time I've thought to connect the two. I appreciate you stopping by and saying that.

My Mum was in a coma for 3 years. I consider she stopped living at 55 but died when she was 58.
I am the only one of her children younger than she was when she stopped living and two are older than she was when she died.

My sister did a 58 km walk in the year she was 58 in Mum's memory.

I must admit that I don’t have a private pension because I dont think I’ll get to retirement age, because my DM died so young. I had life insurance until my youngest was 16, just incase.
It certainly does affect you.

I’m not there yet, but my dad died at 52 as did my grandfather (his dad) and they both died of pancreatic cancer so I definitely feel increasingly apprehensive. I’ve got 10 years and my older brother has 7.
I was 20 when dad died, which is the same age Dd will be when I’m (hopefully) 52. I think that will be odd.

Some of these posts are so sad. I feel so sorry for those of you who lost a parent in childhood.

@HundredMilesAnHour
You have captured it exactly.

I expected to die the same age as my Mum, 51. I did not celebrate my birthday year or make many long term plans( pensions etc) because of it. I have had my family without having my Mum and she would have been a wonderful grandmother, I feel very sad about this.

I feel I have missed so much and would have been a different person had I not lost her so young. I have now lived longer without her than had her which was another hard anniversary.

it is interesting to see these are natural feelings for lots of us and it is not just me feeling sorry for myself.

I lost my mum as a child. I’m now the age she was when I was born. I’m 7 years from the age of her death.

I go from feeling frightened about it, to upset, to “relaxed” - or more “there’s nothing I can do but carry on” feelings. It is scary to think about though. It was a sudden death with very minimal build up, she wasn’t unwell for long. I try to output my feelings into a “life’s too short and we only get one life” thought process and just do what makes me happy and take opportunities when they arise and don’t take life for granted. I just returned from a solo holiday to somewhere no one else was keen to go to, and I just thought, my mum didn’t get to do everything she wanted, I, going to just run with it.

The age hurts. Adulthood without my mum, gosh it really hurts sometimes. I would do anything just for a mum hug and a bit of motherly direction and reassurance.