Any consequences for saying "no thanks" to HV?

[roarfeckingroarr]

I understand HVs are a positive resource for some. My experience with my first was that every one I saw was useless - ill informed, outdated advice, weird opinions (you can drink as much wine as you like but no vodka... I mean...), patronising.

Second time around I want to say "thanks but no thanks". I have great midwives, great support, I'm educated and this isn't my first time. Those first weeks are busy enough without an intrusive and unwanted visitor?

Will they see this as a "bad thing" and demand to come over?

Yeah can certainly imagine more safeguarding situations in middle class homes go under the radar and get overlooked. There is more of a sense of ‘it’s their business’.

I recall my hv being both snarky because we were living in a nice house. She made a point of asking about benefits whilst looking around with a smirk, whilst at the same time being very dictatorial that I was expected to attend clinic for baby weighing and would not confirm it was a choice rather than something I was expected to do. I went once - queuing in a Dr's surgery with coughing and spluttering and disease swirling round my three week old baby. Having waited an hour the hv I saw had the scales calibrated to a negative weight and was about to write my baby was 1.5lb less than the previous weight (without concern) and got quite snotty when I asked.for the scales to be reset correctly. He had put on 17oz.

My HV was unable to provide any information about the load of imms at a very early age (DTP) and a potential link with increased asthma rates. She instead wrote to the head of immunology to say I was reluctant to immunise because of my baby's breathing issues. I was pro immunisation and he had no breathing issues. I just didn't expect to be dictated to by an hv who knew no more than was written in the leaflet.

When I asked for bf support after the 2nd bout of mastitis, and I was in agony, she told me she wasn't an expert and to ring the nct. I was not a member of the nct and again did not expect an hv who was quite clear that breast is best to dictate and then offer no help. Evidently breadt feeding mothers put their babies first, bottle feeding mothers put themselves first. From a 23 year old with no experience whatsoever of motherhood and very little of being an hv

How ridiculous. What are they supposed to do in the car on the drive between appointments? What’s wrong with listening to the radio?!

Nurses work in lots of areas. Ward nurses are very important, but that is not the only important role. What about nurses who work in primary care managing chronic illness and preventing hospital admissions? Should they roll their sleeves up and get back on the wards too?! Nurses who are teaching the next generation of nurses, are they worthless in your eyes because they’re not doing “actual nursing”??

Sounds like someone has had their head in the daily mail for too long 🙄

@RosesAndHellebores you sounds like a bit of a nightmarish know-it-all to be honest, maybe that’s what inspires a slightly 🙄 reaction from healthcare professionals. Your GP doesn’t have time to be combing through recent research for you, they’re there to follow procedures.

I mean the fact OP thinks she’s ‘too educated’ for a HV visit and convinced the HV noticed her ‘large house’ means I’m probably not wrong am I…

Sorry Roses said that, not the OP.

@Cuppasoupmonster - are you a HV? You seem quick to defend when posters are sharing their own experiences of them.

@Cuppasoupmonster I think we must beg to differ. I was not a know it all, but I expect so.eone who comes to my house in an entitled way, without a mutually convenient appointment and who dictates in a patronising manner, to know more than me about what is best for my baby. I expect them to be interested in new, evidenced based research and to know where to find it. Also if they have swallowed the BF mantra, I expect them to be able to support it, as well as giving lectures about it.

Entitled?! You sound paranoid. They’re just doing their job, take the advice you want, reject the advice you don’t and let them have a quick look at the baby. You’re making it so much more of an issue than it needs to be.

@Cuppasoupmonster - but how do you know which advice to take or not if you are a first time parent with no experience? The HV is meant to be informed and know, it shouldn’t be a roll of the dice.

That's terrible, at 23 years old that girl is barely out of nappies herself, what the f would she know about life or experience with babies. She has not even started life. There should be a minimum age, such as 30 or 40. Having someone come around and judge me as a mother, in my own home, especially some kid barely out of their teens, for something women have done for thousands of years would have sent me over the edge. I wouldn't be surprised if a lot of PND was due to the pressure, judgement and expectations from HVs. There really is no need for them in 2022. Especially silly little girls with no life experience who know less than the actual woman who gave birth and can barely understand the leaflets.

I think it's the HVs who are the ones who make it so much more an issue than it should be.

Maybe I've been lucky (and it was a long time ago as my DC are adults) but I found my HVs helpful and knowledgeable. None of them tried to pressure me into anything and they were prepared to listen to me. The one who did DC2's 2 year check accepted my word that DC2 was in fact a total chatterbox even though they refused to say a word during the check up. (Then as we left they said 'thank you nice lady for letting me play with your toys', which was pretty typical of their speech, and made us both laugh). DC 2's HV was the midwife who delivered DC1.

nightmarish know-it-all

Ironic, because it's these silly little HVs that are the nightmarish know-it-alls that stress out mothers, when some of them are barely out of their teens and wouldn't know the first thing about babies or life.

I didn’t get much from the HV and not keen on some advice / questions / even attitude of a couple but I do think they are useful generally as someone who can pick on difficult issues

I can’t remember fully but they may have weighed the baby and done the prick test at home which saved a visit for the latter

@MarshaBradyo - that was more likely to have been a midwife. The midwifery team visit for the first couple of weeks and do the heel prick test (although my DC’s was done in hospital), weigh baby, check mother’s stitches if required etc. After a couple of weeks they discharge to the HV team who in my case didn’t exist.

All mine did was sit in the garden smoking. She then asked to see my baby and I said no, you reek of fags and I don't want cigarettes near my baby so off she went.
This was the 1980's though.

Ah yes you’re right, thanks for reminder was foggy on what happened

My HV was lovely. Couldn't have been nicer or more helpful. She was also at baby clinic drop ins and still smiles and waves and says hello to DC if we see her now on the street or the GP's.

I do wonder what training HVs have and why the standard is so variable. The problem really is that they can't possibly have the level of knowledge on every subject that mothers can access when they have the whole of the internet at their command with evidence (whether real or dubious) to back up any opinion you like to mention. So they often come across as ill informed.

I suspect they are life saving in some situations where they visit and pick up on abuse, neglect, postnatal depression or psychosis, extreme poverty etc. But they are a bit of a relic of a pre-internet age.

I don’t think it’s all that important what the individual OP said as your comments are all dealing in generalities. However the OP didn’t mention the size of her house and presumably the comment about being educated referred to being educated about what to expect as a mother to a newborn. The PP who did mention her house said the HV made a snarky comment about her being on benefits.

It’s not a case of being right or wrong because you’re not talking about facts you’re just expressing your attitude towards mothers, parents, middle and working class people, etc.

It’s not quite clear what you’re getting at to be honest other than thinking ‘middle class’ people are pricks and ‘working class’ people lack agency.

I accepted mine and she was very nice. I stopped when they told me my BF baby needed three meals a day and said BM was not a meal, when it is, and I was not going to start trying to puree feed my baby three times a day. I never went back but that was clinic. She never got weighed or saw a doctor again until just recently when she had a skin infection.

They are there to support and if you don't need their support then it's best to free them up for those who do surely.

@Cuppasoupmonster it’s tiresome, isn’t it. It seems to be the posters who struggle a lot and feel they won’t have the time or will be embarrassed that they aren’t coping. The OP herself said those first few weeks are busy enough so I’m assuming she finds something rather tough and doesn’t want to be judged.

My HV totally undermined my confidence as a first time mum telling me for example that I couldn’t use baby wipes or that I couldn’t combine BF with dummy or I’d confuse her latch. I similarly couldn’t also give her a bottle while BF (which I absolutely HAD to as I was self employed with no mat pay & had to leave her occasionally with DH to work for a couple of hours) oh and the final chestnut was that leaving a baby to cry even for a few moments, ‘would break the bonds of trust between us’

@musketeersmama to be fair you hear all that on Mn all the time…

@NCFT0922 there definitely seems to be an element of pride among posters on here at rejecting the advice of health professionals. Also that bizarre notion that they’re ‘coercive’ or ‘gaslighting’. Why on Earth would they bother? 😂

You are wrong, they're band 6, not band 7.