Any consequences for saying "no thanks" to HV?

[roarfeckingroarr]

I understand HVs are a positive resource for some. My experience with my first was that every one I saw was useless - ill informed, outdated advice, weird opinions (you can drink as much wine as you like but no vodka... I mean...), patronising.

Second time around I want to say "thanks but no thanks". I have great midwives, great support, I'm educated and this isn't my first time. Those first weeks are busy enough without an intrusive and unwanted visitor?

Will they see this as a "bad thing" and demand to come over?

If it's your second baby, and you have a straightforward birth / baby has no issues, then i think you are absolutely fine to decline their services if you want to.

I however had a first baby who was IUGR (0.4th centile), early, had sepsis at birth, two weeks in NICU, huge bf issues, reflux, PND for me. The whole shebang. My HV was absolutely AMAZING and did weekly home visits until DD was 12weeks and then monthly visits until she was a year. She really saved us actually and i was so grateful for all her advice and support. But i recognise how lucky i was to get a very experienced HV who saw what help i needed before i even recognised it in myself. When it's your second baby, i think you are probably better at navigating the system for yourself so this support is less needed.

I had no contact from the HV services before DD was born (i know in some areas it's different), so i suppose you might be able to decide how you feel once baby arrives?

The HV team didn't visit my home when I had my DC earlier this year. All appointments were miles away. Dragging the baby across London a few days after my c-section delivery to sit in a clinic waiting room with people coughing and sputtering around us was not at all ideal. I wouldn't mind if they came to visit me at home.

They didn't have the machine to check if the baby had jaundice, and as DC had a yellowish tinge they instructed me to immediately take him to hopsital. As a scared FTM I followed their advice. Until I got to the waiting room of the hospital, surrounding by sick children, and being instructed that it was a 6hr wait to be seen by a doctor. I left the hospital and called the HV team in tears and said I couldn't sit there for 6 hours with my brand new baby surrounded by poorly kids full of rashes and being sick around us. They told me to come back to the clinic and that they would find a machine. WTH! If it was so easy to find the machine why on earth was I sent to the hopsital? They were risking DCs health for something which took about 2 minutes once we got back to the clinic.

However, I guess I do agree with @Cuppasoupmonster that we shouldn't make rejecting professional input the norm. I had a bad experience with the HV team, and since then I have attended a couple of appointments and they have been pretty useless. I haven't seen the same person twice and when I have asked for advice they have mostly been clueless. But I'd like to think that for every bad experience there are a handful of good ones, and that it is worthwhile for the times that they do spot those cases of neglect/abuse or when a mother is really struggling and they are able to assist.

We have a generation of parents that literally do not have the skills to parent.

Im not a HV but good god people are so up their own backsides to think they cant learn from or need a HV.

If there is anything in society we need right now it is people who are instrumental in monitoring the mental health of mums and seperately monitoring parental skills .

There are many screwed up people out there because they just did not have the best start in life from their parents ( nothing to do with wealth )

Nothing bad will happen - they certainly won’t ‘demand’ to come round.

The only negative outcome I can see is that if you did need/want some help at some point it might be harder as you don’t already have the open dialogue. But then I’ve never had a HV who could actually help outside of saying ‘have you phoned your GP’ or ‘have you spoke to x service?’ And now that google exists I don’t really need a random person to point me to the service.

My sister refused the hv after she told her to stop breastfeeding her daughter, and that would help with her reflux which was particularly bad. According to the hv it was my sisters milk that was incompatible with her daughters stomach. After that my sister decided that she wasn't educated enough to be giving her advice.
Nothing bad ever came of it.

I have seen a few HV in the last 12 months.
the first one before baby was born - seemed nice but quite nosy about finances.
I saw her again at 4 months and she asked about weaning - I said I was thinking of BLW and she invited herself back at 6 months to see what we decided and dropped her own opinion that purées were the way to go.
saw a couple of others either side of that who only seemed to want to chat and talk about my dog.
then purée woman came back to discuss weaning- she asked if we had started - yes- then proceeded to talk to me about her career move to be closer to her aging mum.
1hr of my life I couldn’t get back- she insisted baby stay in the room even though it was her nap time and she was getting cranky- needed to weigh her.
the last one I saw at the 12 month check up was nice but again I learnt more about her and her kids than anything else

Twenty-five years ago when my first was born, the hv, during her first visit, literally rolled her eyes and made some sort of weird snorting noise when I told her I was EBF. I invited her to leave and never had her back. I refused their service when my second was born.

I had one visit from an HV with my first, and then she left the profession and I didn't get another. I wasn't assigned one with my second due to a shortage. I was well supported so didn't need one, but I can see their use in some cases, though one would hope they were properly trained.

There will be no consequences at all. You don't need a health visitor and there is no statutory requirement for you to allow them to visit. They don't do much anyway (most of them).

No consequences at all, assuming no concerns have already been raised.

Many seem to talk such bollocks. I saw one when DD1 was a baby but hardly bothered when DD2 and DD3 were born. It isn't an obligatory service.

That’s not the case, though.

I had an amazing HV with DD1, so I’m not anti HV at all. Then she ended up being due to have her baby a month after I was due with DD2. This was at the beginning of the pandemic.

With DD2 I had three HVs, and the entire thing was a huge waste of my time.

I had a C Section recovery so I couldn’t drive for weeks, so every appointment my partner had to take the day off work to drive me 10 minutes down the road (as they didn’t do house visits anymore), to sit in the car with DD1 while I went in for all of 5 minutes.

The first HV was useless. She took notes then asked me for the exact same information every appointment (not asking how DD2 was progressing or questions like that, but stuff like if I’m bottle or breast feeding her, after I’d already said bottle 3 times before. Was hardly going to whip out a boob 2 months post partum, was I?)

She had a shitty attitude and was incredibly patronising. Luckily because of my great HV the first time round, I didn’t let it get to me.

Second HV was nice enough, she basically was very much “this is your second baby, you know what you’re doing, I’ll let you get on with your day”.

Third HV was lazy and rude (asked her about making a S&L referral for my eldest, she said in as many words no I can’t be arsed with doing it). Obviously I rang my GP the next day and the referral was made. He was great- was on the phone with me for 20 minutes asking lots of questions and making several referrals to different departments to get everything looked into properly. On the follow up appointment the HV seemed genuinely pissed off I’d “gone over her head”, but I didn’t give a fuck at that point and was fairly blunt and quickly put an end to her spiel. Didn’t see that one again, praise the lord.

Luckily my original HV is back from maternity leave so if I ever need anything I know I can drop her a text and she’ll ring me back the next day or drop round.

Some HV are great but the vast majority are lazy, have hugely outdated training, are incredibly unapproachable and have a stinking attitude. It’s absolutely not a case of anyone thinking they know better, it’s simply a case of, for many of us on this forum, avoiding the shit you’ve already dealt with before. Also backed up by original HV who was was a bit stressed at my eldest’s last appointment- partner asked her if she was okay and she basically said her Mat cover was atrocious and all her files on her patients were an absolute mess. That’s when you know it’s bad.

A HV should be an approachable professional who has up to date training and can point you in the direction of people to help you if you need it. They should not be telling you advice that even people without kids know is no longer accurate, they should not be coming across as patronising and rude, and they should actually be wanting to do the job they’re paid to do.

I only kept seeing HVs with DD2 just to get her checked weight wise (which I had to request because they couldn’t be arsed getting out and cleaning the scales down each time). If they had it their way, she’d have been weighed twice at a maximum. With my first HV it was every single visit. The amount of sighing over getting the scales out was actually unbelievable.

I don’t plan on having more kids but if I was, if I couldn’t have my current HV or she moved on jobs wise, I’d likely decline the service after the first month or so.

Oh goody, another Mumsnet thread knocking HVs. 🙄

Oh come off it.

My HVs with DD2 gave me absolutely 0 advice that was useful in any shape or form. And that isn’t me downplaying it for the sake of argument- I genuinely got nothing of any sort of value from them.

One couldn’t be arsed to make a referral so I did it myself. The other couldn’t even keep my notes in one place. She couldn’t even remember she had an appointment with me- I was sat in the hallway for 20 minutes once and she came out breezily to make herself a cup of tea (obviously), looked at me absolutely baffled then it dawned on her I was supposed to be in with her 20 mins ago, while I try to soothe an understandably pissed off 2 month old. Still went to make herself a cup of tea first, though.

However, luckily for me another HV and just wrapped up her appointment after the other one had went to get her much needed tea, so I asked her if she was free to take me by any chance, and she was. I went in with her, got and sorted.

Didn’t bother my hole to let the other one know, of course. She saw me leave the appointment with the other HV and looked pissed off but quite frankly, if you’re willing to

A) waste 20 minutes of my time
B) go and make yourself a cup of tea knowing you’ve wasted my time and seeing an unsettled baby, that is unsettled because of your own actions

I don’t owe you anything. Didn’t see her after that again which was a delight.

I work in the private sector and if I behaved how some HVs behaved I’d be sacked. So utterly unprofessional.

Had baby number 3 a few months ago via section. HV came the day after I got home (baby was 3 days old) from hospital, just Introduction, a couple of questions about if I had support since I was recovering from surgery and about feeding choice, then weighed baby and left - was less than 20 mins. She came back to do a weigh at one week old, asked how I was feeling and checked my scar, breastfeeding was going well baby was over birth weight, she asked if I was OK with her discharging me as I was getting on fine and she really didn't like intruding on a mum that would probably rather just get on with things. She left me her number & told me to call if I need her or even if I just want her to come weigh baby but I haven't. Been almost 5 months. I think HVs don't like wasting anyones time just as much as mums don't want them there. Just speak up.

are you sure that wasn’t a community midwife? Why was a health visitor seeing you at 3 days postnatal?

This is pathetic. Calling someone middle class isn’t the harsh burn you seem to think it is. And you clearly think working class mothers are unquestioning and compliant and there’s no way anyone with reservations about HVs could be working class.

Your prejudices, your problem.

Op, with my second I went to 1 weigh in and as she was a chunker who was breastfeeding perfectly I never went again.

I engaged in the development checks with her but nothing else. I had no need of them and they left me alone.

No need to make a song and dance about it.

Oh and I like the red book. I still record their height and weight in it, have their vaccination records etc. of course I could keep me own records of these but given they gave me a free book specifically designed to do that job, feels a bit wasteful to send it back.

Don't you have to do a certain amount of nursing/midwifery before you become a HV?

I remember being given the impression that the red book was vital and that if I forgot it, I would effectively be leaving a gap in DS's records. Of course, the first time I had to take him for a vaccine during Covid, they looked at my red book as though it were infected with plague and said they couldn't touch it anyway.

I wish I could. Had a baby in autumn 2020 and have never seen a HV. They moved to phone only but never answered the phone. I had a call from one a few weeks ago to ask if I wanted a 2 year check and they stressed it was optional and I didn’t need to. I said yes please, it would be nice to see a HV as we’ve never seen one. She got really arsey with me. So apparently it’s an issue if you turn them down or if you try to see them. Bloody useless service.

I also got the impression that me being middle class meant in their eyes I
/DC didn’t need much support. Isn’t it well known that working class parents get much more scrutiny and judgement from professionals and middle class parents get away with a lot more.

My daughter turned 2 on Saturday so I had a call from the HV last week asking about an appointment. It turned into a general chat, but in the end she said that as DD is in nursery 3 days a week and there are no concerns, that I shouldn’t bother. I very much got the feeling that they would insist if she wasn’t in nursery, which makes sense as they want some external visibility on young children.

@Underanothersky - nope.

They absolutely do. SW, HC workers etc., perceive the power dynamic to be different. Much more of a paternalistic attitude towards WC parents.

Yes very much the impression I got but it’s a double edged sword, also means middle class parents don’t always get support available because of a lack of monitoring/signposting.