Do families from other cultures also tie themselves up in knots about celebration days?

[FourChimneys]

I mean this very respectfully, just curious really.

There are so many threads on here about the stresses of Christmas, who is visiting who, who is "allowed" to watch the children open presents etc.

Is it the same for other celebrations? Do families celebrating Diwali or Hanukkah for example get tied up in knots too? Or is it a purely Christian thing?

We have an open house policy but in reality it's in laws part one xmas day, my family day after boxing, in laws part 2 around new year. But we spread Xmas over several days as both H and I have divorced parents.

It's nice, takes pressure off, and we have a rhythm that works.

I think you've demonstrated the whole of what this thread is about with this comment.

It is bizarre because the things you mention are very specifically British cultural attitudes.

Like dad waking up at 5am and making noise, so what? Feeling uncomfortable having people stay over? In a lot of other cultures people don't feel that way about their own families. They learn to accomodate eachother and just get on with things. The inconvenience of hosting someone is secondary to the much more important experience of bonding with eachother and being a part of eachother's lives. It is part and parcel of interacting with family and having relationships.

But after spending a lot of time on mumsnet, I've come to realise that most British people don't really do family.

We do do family-it just may be different from what you’re used to. Mine and dh families are scattered throughout the UK-so there has to be a choice how to divide up our time. And visiting MIL means we have to sleep in a local hotel as there are several people staying, 2 bedrooms and 1 bathroom. In my twenties, a sleeping bag on the floor was fine-not so now. I get the impression that some of the posters are quite disparaging about British families and how we don’t love each other because we don’t celebrate the same way as they do. In my experience, we possibly like our own space a bit more-it doesn’t mean we hate each other-and each family does things a bit different. And from my colleagues, many of whom come from other cultures, I hear plenty of moaning about expectations of them and relatives they don’t particularly like but have to tolerate.

@Subbaxeo exactly , I have friends of various religions and backgrounds and moaning about in laws is pretty much universal amongst everyone on a get together! I think what differs is how much of an opinion you’re actually allowed to voice in various cultures and how pecking orders work etc

I think what you put up with when you are young is different when you bet older. I got zero sleep at in laws. I actually got very sick after one visit I’d exhausted myself so much. I wish a hotel had been an option.
Instead we went much less and for shorter periods. They weren’t people you could be close to and being in a very tiny house with zero privacy got very boring very quickly.

Yeh I think it's a very typical collectivist Vs individualist society debate. Guess it impacts how everyone compromises and celebrates.

It's not about being allowed to voice an opinion. It's more than you put your opinion aside for the greater good of the group, it doesn't require mental effort and it's just natural. Everyone does the same and it just creates less stress overall. I guess in an individualistic society you would have more of a personalised celebration with more self-expression but would need to carry all the responsibility that comes with that. Some tasks are easier with group effort and some tasks are easier to do on your own.

Jamaican British married to a Nigerian Brit.
Christmas casual. We usually end up in SIL in the evening with about 20 others. It's non-pressured. Friends or family can choose to rock up to ours too without notice. It's typical for there to be people in our circles without family in the UK. No aggro about who to give presents to either.

My mum gets into a tizz...but she gets into one over any and everything!

I hadn't realised Christmas was such a big deal until all of the threads too. I'm waiting for one on when to put up the tree so I can get advice as I'm sure I do it too late!

This is interesting because I am from British Christian background and my husband is from a different cultural/religious background. My family is very laid back and we all get on, we get together around the Christmas period but often not on Christmas day, no one is offended if not everyone can make it. My husband’s family has high expectations that are often hard to meet with small children, “making memories”, presents being the best ever. MIL likes the idea of “the more the merrier”, everyone dropping in on each other unannounced but in reality this stresses her out a good deal. I think much is personality driven as from this thread we are the opposite to how many experience things culturally.

Depends on the family. When I married dh it is culturally expected (not religious)the first eid after you get married you go to the girls parents. I would have visited for part if the day had I lived closer but it was a 4 hour journey and because sil had just bought premature nephew home I didn't go. I expressed my desire to go to the next one at my parents home with dh and my mil said that she never expected she would spend eid without her son. I pointed out that why should I spend it without my parents and dh told her that as we were married now we would alternate. We have since and there has only been issues when it's been the kids first Eid. I do make a point of spending a good part of eid at my own home now as the kids enjoy eid breakfast and lunch at our own home before heading to mil for dinner. I make and bring dessert. We did try going to mils house earlier and then coming back to our house early evening to open presents but it didn't work well as people only pop in there in the evening and it wasn't so easy to up and leave.

It's an open door policy in both parents home at Eid, we often have at least 50 people through the house at various times. No-one gets annoyed when people turn up unannounced, you share what you have cooked and if need be there is always more samosa, spring rolls, kebabs in the freezer or you just make another lot of pakoras. I've never seen my mum stress over the cooking, she preps the day before and it's just about timings. She has a range now but had a smaller cooker when we were little and a similar amount of guests. It does amaze me when people stress over cooking xmas dinner which is essentially a roast or won't have lots of guests because they don't have a dining table big enough. Why not eat with it on your laps or on the floor? I think that's just cultural differences though.

It is getting more commercialised now, middle class's Asians for example now have money to spend than their working class parents did. You will see things like eid trees, eid pyjamas, eid advent calendar, decorations etc. These things were not the norm when I was little. Some people will posts mounds of presents on Facebook that they have bought their child. I do buy gifts for my kids and nephews and nieces, I do decorate the house with the kids and I like to build up the excitement in my house.

I must say I enjoy all the xmas posts, it's interesting to get an insight into how people spend it.

Roast dinner would be tricky on the floor or lap, that’s obvious surely, but I know quite a few families who don’t bother with a traditional Christmas dinner and go for alternatives that are easier to eat that way

@BiasedBinding maybe because you're not used to it. I've eaten it served that way lots of times.

Expect so because other religions are people too.

Im an atheist, didn’t stop me feeling stressed when the kids were small.

I think definitely British thing.

I'm British Punjabi, parents Indian and from India. We never really get up in arms about anything..until Xmas 😂
All other religious/cultural festivities and holidays are celebrated with visits to the Gurudwara and sharing food and prayers with everyone who is there. People from all religions/non religion are welcome.

The only time I can think where there is a stressful plan is more isolated holidays, for example a newlywed/newborn baby's first 'lohri' (Festival that celebrates the end of winter).

One thing I will say, I'm so proud to be British Asian. Although there are many more things to celebrate in the Punjabi culture, there is nothing like the yearly hoo-haa that is Xmas for us Brits! Every year its just such a huge deal even for my family. It makes me chuckle. Wouldn't change the madness that it is.

For Orthodox Jews holidays are a lot of work, and there are a lot of them! Except for Chanukah and Purim, we don't 'work' on the actual day, (driving, turning on lights or ovens, using phones, buying stuff) so all the shopping and most of the cooking (limited cooking can be done on holidays and none on Shabbat) has to be done before hand. So that is a big job. In the winter Shabbat starts at 4pm. Some people do 4 course meals every shabbat (which I think is nuts but people do). But def extra nice food. I make homemade challah every single week for example. Passover has a whole other level of craziness!

We just came out of a month of non stop holidays which were exhausting, Rosh hashana, yom kippur and then sukkot (2 days and than another 2 days) which mostly took place on monday and tuesdays so there was really no break!

I live in a different city to my parents and we can't get away for holidays due to work committments. Its pretty hard being away from family especially at Passover but its easier now my kids are bigger and real people. We always invite tons of guests over, especially lonely people who don't have who to celebrate with.

Chanukah is my fave though, no work restrictions, 8 days, and it can be as low key or fun as you want. Plus, latkes!

There is def drama in some Jewish families if the 2 sets of parents schedule the big chanukah party on the same night - obviously sat night or sunday are the popular times.

Some people just like to be difficult but it helps that we have so many holidays, Passover can be with one family, sukkot with the other.

I’m sure there’s a knack, but you must admit there are easier things to eat than gravy and beef off your knees.

If women are put upon at Christmas it's better they sound off about it on mumsnet and then hopefully be encouraged to be assertive than feel they can't speak out as it's expected to put up and shut up. So I don't see it as a negative thing for people to post about Christmas family issues on mumsnet. For everyone who posts "I'm from another culture and we all get on well at Christmas" there are plenty of corresponding Brits who get on well with rellies and enjoy Christmas too. They are just less likely to post about it for support. (As they don't need support.)

My husband's side of the family are all Hindu. Lots of massive celebrations, gifts and food. Everyone pitches in, different parts of the family/community all come together.

There is absolutely none of this 'my own little family' crap where people are excluded etc.

I love it, and have absolutely embraced it. Random people are completely welcome. DH turned up with a random doctor who he had been working with on Christmas Day on call for dinner and there was no stress, everyone just gets on with it.

This made me laugh because roast, potatoes with chutney were the easiest thing for me to eat on a special occasion on the floor with a baby! Try having a spicy curry with roti and chutney. I learnt to do it one handed on the floor to keep one hand free as I didn't want any spice going on my newborn. But I totally get that it's weird and difficult to start eating on the floor/on your lap if you aren't used to it.

I have small children and a large family, of course I’m used to eating off my lap or on the floor! Far easier than trying to eat one-handed with baby feeding at the table. I still think cutting up roast beef and balancing a plate with gravy on it is trickier than other foods

I haven’t actually said that it is “weird” to eat from laps or on the floor, for the record

Does anyone remember this brilliant Twitter thread
www.newsweek.com/christmas-muslim-viral-tweet-2020-1556699

OP I agree that Christmas does seem to bring out a certain madness in people. Remember all the posts during the Christmas lockdown about what a lovely time everyone was having just keeping things simple? And yet this year so many people seem to have gone back to peak stress about it all.