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Original poster

Ex wants to take the kids away for 4 weeks and I am not coping - AIBU to want to join them for a bit of it?

100 replies

Undecidedandtorn · 02/11/2022 19:41

I have a pretty good co-parenting relationship with my ex - we have 50/50 with our 2 sons (15 and 8) - there have been some issues but we have been able to work it out. Due to our set up even though the boys are a week at one house and a week at the other we all have a midweek and a Sunday meal together so neither of us have gone more than 4 days without seeing our children.

He is a really good dad and I instigated the split (not sure if that is relevant but don't want to drip feed) . Several months ago he said that he wanted to take them home to Australia to see his family during the summer holidays for 4 weeks and we talked about me coming out for some of it which I was fine with. A few weeks ago he said he didn't want me to come - that he thought it would be too much. I understood - after not living together for months I stayed at his house for two weeks due to some complications with me moving and even thought we were both out at work all day it was an awkward situation, and we were both relived when I moved. So I agreed - its a one off and I can see its important to him.

But now the reality has hit I'm not coping - every time I think about it I am in tears - I have tried to think of trips I can make that I wouldn't normally be able to do while they are away, I know we can talk everyday but its killing me and my MH is in tatters. And I still have 9 months until they go. I spoke to my ex today about the possibility of me coming out and he hates the idea. He said maybe they could cut it to 3 weeks but that seems so unfair of me to ask plus I am not sure it's going to help that much - anything over two weeks seems too long to not see them.

So any advice/thoughts would be really helpful. Anyone who has had to spend time away from their kids - it would be good to know how you coped. But also if the thought of going for a week if I found my own accommodation crazy?

OP posts:
Jemgy · 02/11/2022 19:43

That sounds awful OP and I wouldnt cope at all. Are you sure he will bring them back?

Terriblethirtytwos · 02/11/2022 19:48

It sounds like you and he are both reasonable and want what is best for the children. But I also I think you know that you have to let them go for the full month and that you can’t also go along. You have nine months - use them to develop coping strategies for when they’re gone. Maybe see a therapist. The 15 year old will be leaving home soon and you’ll have to get used to going a month without seeing him!

Original poster
Undecidedandtorn · 02/11/2022 19:48

He's lived here for 20 years, has a house and a mortgage and a good job - I am sure he would bring them back.

OP posts:

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SpookyMcGhoul · 02/11/2022 19:49

I would think going out (even with your own accommodation) for a week isn't the best idea. You're separated, he's going to see family with his DC - having his ex pop up for a week probably wouldn't be the most comfortable for him or his family and your DC! Also Australia for a week, you'll be knackered.

Your DC will probably see it as a huge adventure and will be super excited! I know it's not the same angle, but I spent months at a time without my dad when we were younger (he was posted abroad when we were young). I did miss him a lot, but phone calls / letters (face time wasn't a thing back then!) when we could really helped. I was younger than your youngest at this time 😊

From your side - can you not think about it as 4 weeks? Anything seems daunting when viewed as a huge block like that, can you separate it into chunks a of a couple of days each time? Get some things booked in with friends and family every couple of days to keep you occupied? There's 9 months to make plans and get busy, it'll fly by and before you know it you'll have them home!

Dyrne · 02/11/2022 19:50

As well as the impact on you, I think 4 weeks away from mum for an 8 year old who hasn’t previously been apart for more than 4 days; is quite a lot and I think they may struggle. So if nothing else I think you need to discuss with your ex how to prepare your DC for that over the next few months.

I think your suggestion of finding your own accommodation and flying out mid-trip is a good one you could even compromise on not hanging around the entire time but maybe taking the DC out for a day/couple of afternoons with a joint mid-week dinner like usual.

(Flying all the way out to Aus and back in a week with wreck you though, just as a warning!)

Original poster
Undecidedandtorn · 02/11/2022 19:51

Terriblethirtytwos · 02/11/2022 19:48

It sounds like you and he are both reasonable and want what is best for the children. But I also I think you know that you have to let them go for the full month and that you can’t also go along. You have nine months - use them to develop coping strategies for when they’re gone. Maybe see a therapist. The 15 year old will be leaving home soon and you’ll have to get used to going a month without seeing him!

I have just booked my first therapist appointment, so I really hope it helps. When the "triage " person was talking to me (work pay for a service that offers therapy, but you have to go through an15 min session to check you need it) was suggesting stuff I could do to cope and I just broke down.

OP posts:
Illbeready · 02/11/2022 19:53

Like you said you have 9 months to get use to the idea and honestly 4 weeks will flyby. Imagine the memories the kids will make. It's a long way to go for a short period of time. A lot can change in 9 months.

Original poster
Undecidedandtorn · 02/11/2022 19:55

SpookyMcGhoul · 02/11/2022 19:49

I would think going out (even with your own accommodation) for a week isn't the best idea. You're separated, he's going to see family with his DC - having his ex pop up for a week probably wouldn't be the most comfortable for him or his family and your DC! Also Australia for a week, you'll be knackered.

Your DC will probably see it as a huge adventure and will be super excited! I know it's not the same angle, but I spent months at a time without my dad when we were younger (he was posted abroad when we were young). I did miss him a lot, but phone calls / letters (face time wasn't a thing back then!) when we could really helped. I was younger than your youngest at this time 😊

From your side - can you not think about it as 4 weeks? Anything seems daunting when viewed as a huge block like that, can you separate it into chunks a of a couple of days each time? Get some things booked in with friends and family every couple of days to keep you occupied? There's 9 months to make plans and get busy, it'll fly by and before you know it you'll have them home!

The boys are excited although a bit sad I can't come (as initially I was going to) . I like the thought of letters (even if I photograph them and send them via WhatsApp.

The idea of breaking it down into chucks is a good one and making plans - I will give it some thought.

OP posts:
drpet49 · 02/11/2022 19:55

You need to let them go. They will be fine.

Original poster
Undecidedandtorn · 02/11/2022 19:57

Dyrne · 02/11/2022 19:50

As well as the impact on you, I think 4 weeks away from mum for an 8 year old who hasn’t previously been apart for more than 4 days; is quite a lot and I think they may struggle. So if nothing else I think you need to discuss with your ex how to prepare your DC for that over the next few months.

I think your suggestion of finding your own accommodation and flying out mid-trip is a good one you could even compromise on not hanging around the entire time but maybe taking the DC out for a day/couple of afternoons with a joint mid-week dinner like usual.

(Flying all the way out to Aus and back in a week with wreck you though, just as a warning!)

I know the trip would be hellish for me with jet lag ect but I could suggest some day trips not involving the ex - even maybe taking the boys out separately so the other can stay with dad and the family.

OP posts:
QueSyrahSyrah · 02/11/2022 19:57

Above it all this sounds like a great adventure for your DC and a great opportunity for them to spend time with their Dad's family. I don't think you tagging along is ideal for anyone, you included.

You've got 9 months to prepare though. Maybe (along with the professional guidance) you could start by skipping a mid-week meal so they're a week without seeing you, and then maybe swap a week somewhere early next year so they're 2 weeks apart; just to see how you ALL cope with it?

Do circumstances allow you to go off somewhere yourself for a couple of weeks while they're away? A holiday for yourself will make the time pass faster than the normal routine at home.

Frazzled2207 · 02/11/2022 19:57

It’s not ideal and you will miss them terribly but as long as there are no concerns about not bringing them back I think I would try and let go assuming both sons are happy.

if either is not, that’s another story.

going out with them however would be a bit weird.

I’d also be planning a separate fun holiday with them at another time. presumably difficult if you did go along on the trip.

Original poster
Undecidedandtorn · 02/11/2022 19:58

drpet49 · 02/11/2022 19:55

You need to let them go. They will be fine.

I know they will be (although the youngest might struggle a bit) - its me that's not coping

OP posts:
Frazzled2207 · 02/11/2022 19:59

And PS if you make some fun plans yourself- weekends away to see friends you haven’t seen for yonks etc, four weeks will really fly by.

quietnightmare · 02/11/2022 19:59

Allow it for your children

Thirdsummerofourdiscontent · 02/11/2022 20:01

I think you need to realise that you could potentially spoil your childrens trip by making everything all about you and how much you will miss them. Don’t make them feel guilty for looking forward to it.

Hollypups · 02/11/2022 20:02

You got 9 months to prepare yourself... It’s a amazing thing for them. You will have to suck it up.

Going for a week and getting your acc is odd and over stepping massively as your ex has clearly stated he doesn’t want you there.

Original poster
Undecidedandtorn · 02/11/2022 20:07

QueSyrahSyrah · 02/11/2022 19:57

Above it all this sounds like a great adventure for your DC and a great opportunity for them to spend time with their Dad's family. I don't think you tagging along is ideal for anyone, you included.

You've got 9 months to prepare though. Maybe (along with the professional guidance) you could start by skipping a mid-week meal so they're a week without seeing you, and then maybe swap a week somewhere early next year so they're 2 weeks apart; just to see how you ALL cope with it?

Do circumstances allow you to go off somewhere yourself for a couple of weeks while they're away? A holiday for yourself will make the time pass faster than the normal routine at home.

There is no way I would skip the mid-week visit - they really like it and I need to see them. I might be able to go on a small trip, but I wouldn't have enough holiday to go away for two weeks.

OP posts:
Allthegoodusernamesareused · 02/11/2022 20:09

I really get where you are coming from, I think I'd feel exactly the same. But what a wonderful opportunity for them! They will have such a wonderful time. I'm sure you can video call regularly, which might make it easier for you.. and perhaps you could book yourself a really lovely beach holiday or spa break with a friend?

Original poster
Undecidedandtorn · 02/11/2022 20:09

Frazzled2207 · 02/11/2022 19:57

It’s not ideal and you will miss them terribly but as long as there are no concerns about not bringing them back I think I would try and let go assuming both sons are happy.

if either is not, that’s another story.

going out with them however would be a bit weird.

I’d also be planning a separate fun holiday with them at another time. presumably difficult if you did go along on the trip.

They are looking forward to it and we have talked about Florida in 2023

OP posts:
EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 02/11/2022 20:10

My ex moved to Ireland 3 years ago when dc were 8 and 6, they go over for about 5 weeks of the summer holidays then 2 weeks in April and every other Christmas.

The time does fly , I'm still not a huge fan of the summer holiday visit but before I know it they are back!

Smartiepants79 · 02/11/2022 20:14

This feels like an extreme reaction to me.
Neither of your children are small kids. They’re going with their father on an exciting adventure to see family. They’ll be back in 4 weeks and you can talk to them/FaceTime very regularly.
I find it quite concerning that you ‘can’t cope’ with them being away for this period of time. It’s normal to miss them and feel at a loose end but this is not healthy.
I’m probably going to get jumped on for being unsympathetic but for the sake of your children I really think you need to find some way of managing this.

AnotherEmma · 02/11/2022 20:17

Thirdsummerofourdiscontent · 02/11/2022 20:01

I think you need to realise that you could potentially spoil your childrens trip by making everything all about you and how much you will miss them. Don’t make them feel guilty for looking forward to it.

This.
Don't go to Australia for a week, that's crazy.
I do think you and your ex should consider making it 3 weeks instead of 4, but not for your sake; for the sake of your youngest - you need to try and think objectively about how much time he could cope with, not just being away from you but being away from home. He might be fine, he might not, and that's for you and your ex to consider and decide.
You can write them physical letters to open and read while they're away (my mum did that when I was little and missing her when I was at my dad's), you can FaceTime each other, etc.
Plan something for yourself and the time will fly by I'm sure. I think the anticipation is much worse than the reality will be.
Is there a holiday or something else that you'd like to do alone or with a friend?

Youcancallmeirrelevant · 02/11/2022 20:17

Undecidedandtorn · 02/11/2022 20:07

There is no way I would skip the mid-week visit - they really like it and I need to see them. I might be able to go on a small trip, but I wouldn't have enough holiday to go away for two weeks.

Show quote history

OP you need to start preparing yourself, this PPs suggestion is a good 1. If you gp to no more than 4 days apart to 4 weeks you're just setting yourself up for a struggle

Original poster
Undecidedandtorn · 02/11/2022 20:18

Smartiepants79 · 02/11/2022 20:14

This feels like an extreme reaction to me.
Neither of your children are small kids. They’re going with their father on an exciting adventure to see family. They’ll be back in 4 weeks and you can talk to them/FaceTime very regularly.
I find it quite concerning that you ‘can’t cope’ with them being away for this period of time. It’s normal to miss them and feel at a loose end but this is not healthy.
I’m probably going to get jumped on for being unsympathetic but for the sake of your children I really think you need to find some way of managing this.

I'm amazed at how low its making me feel - I know its a very extreme reaction and lots of parents don't get to see thier kids for weeks at a time. I'm hoping the therapy helps.

OP posts: