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Original poster

Ex wants to take the kids away for 4 weeks and I am not coping - AIBU to want to join them for a bit of it?

100 replies

Undecidedandtorn · 02/11/2022 19:41

I have a pretty good co-parenting relationship with my ex - we have 50/50 with our 2 sons (15 and 8) - there have been some issues but we have been able to work it out. Due to our set up even though the boys are a week at one house and a week at the other we all have a midweek and a Sunday meal together so neither of us have gone more than 4 days without seeing our children.

He is a really good dad and I instigated the split (not sure if that is relevant but don't want to drip feed) . Several months ago he said that he wanted to take them home to Australia to see his family during the summer holidays for 4 weeks and we talked about me coming out for some of it which I was fine with. A few weeks ago he said he didn't want me to come - that he thought it would be too much. I understood - after not living together for months I stayed at his house for two weeks due to some complications with me moving and even thought we were both out at work all day it was an awkward situation, and we were both relived when I moved. So I agreed - its a one off and I can see its important to him.

But now the reality has hit I'm not coping - every time I think about it I am in tears - I have tried to think of trips I can make that I wouldn't normally be able to do while they are away, I know we can talk everyday but its killing me and my MH is in tatters. And I still have 9 months until they go. I spoke to my ex today about the possibility of me coming out and he hates the idea. He said maybe they could cut it to 3 weeks but that seems so unfair of me to ask plus I am not sure it's going to help that much - anything over two weeks seems too long to not see them.

So any advice/thoughts would be really helpful. Anyone who has had to spend time away from their kids - it would be good to know how you coped. But also if the thought of going for a week if I found my own accommodation crazy?

OP posts:
ShandaLear · 02/11/2022 20:47

I hope your therapy helps you to cope better. Your ex taking the kids to his home country for a month is not unreasonable when you know he is reliable, cares for his kids, and has a life in the UK. Your eldest is 15. He’ll likely be off to uni in 3 years. They won’t be with you forever. Your kids will be fine, they’ll have a brilliant time, and come home with great stories to tell, and your tears are for yourself. This is good training to help you loosen the apron strings

SinisterBumFacedCat · 02/11/2022 20:54

Op, some of these comments! It’s ok to miss your children. But it seems on here it’s a mothers primary duty to hide her feelings.

MichelleScarn · 02/11/2022 20:56

butterflyflutterby123 · 02/11/2022 20:37

Is it an option to take an Airbnb for a long weekend in the middle not too far away? DC could stay with you for 4 days and it just breaks up the time?

As long as OP is happy with ex dh intervening in future holidays she plans and taking the kids away without her for a few days for a portion of those?

Interested in this thread?

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Families Relationship problems
OneFootintheRave · 02/11/2022 20:58

drpet49 · 02/11/2022 19:55

You need to let them go. They will be fine.

This.

bellac11 · 02/11/2022 21:00

SinisterBumFacedCat · 02/11/2022 20:54

Op, some of these comments! It’s ok to miss your children. But it seems on here it’s a mothers primary duty to hide her feelings.

Sometimes it is, thats right

It certainly isnt right to project anxieties onto children who will be having a great time with their dad

And no one would be saying that the father was reasonable if this was the other way round. Posters above saying things like 'Id insist on going for 2 weeks'

Firecarrier · 02/11/2022 21:09

Shocked at this, they'll be fine, let them go and don't let them know how you feel either - or they won't be able to enjoy it properly and that is very unfair.

This seems extreme. Maybe I'm unusual but I adore my children and my husband regularly takes my youngest away for a week and I don't give it a second thought, I don't even speak to him on the phone!

Firecarrier · 02/11/2022 21:16

Really shocked at this, they'll be fine, let them go and don't let them know how you feel either - or they won't be able to enjoy it properly and that is very unfair!
It seems extreme. Maybe I'm unusual but I adore my children and my husband regularly takes my youngest away for a week and I don't give it a second thought, I don't even speak to him on the phone!

Energeticenoch · 02/11/2022 21:19

Come on OP you’re being silly. They have a good dad and they aren’t babies, it’s hard but they need to go for the 4 weeks to get the most out of it and you absolutely do not need to go out there. They’re with family and in good hands

Energeticenoch · 02/11/2022 21:22

butterflyflutterby123 · 02/11/2022 20:37

Is it an option to take an Airbnb for a long weekend in the middle not too far away? DC could stay with you for 4 days and it just breaks up the time?

Don’t be ridiculous they are not babies. They are with family. None of that is in the interests of the children.

Original poster
Undecidedandtorn · 02/11/2022 21:24

toomuchlaundry · 02/11/2022 20:23

Have they ever been away on holiday with ex after you split? Have you never done a week's holiday with them without seeing the ex?

Never. We all went away last year together and booked 2 separate hotel rooms.

OP posts:
Iheartholidays · 02/11/2022 21:25

I'm going to guess that OP wouldn't dream of taking the children away without their Dad for four weeks - but if it did feel necessary would discuss with him how to make it work for everyone if she did. Because most parents (though not on this thread!) miss their children for four weeks - and vice versa. And most parents don't make decisions like this unilaterally. And most parents would give a great deal of thought to an 8 year old being without them for that long.

@Firecarrier I would say that is quite unusual - to not give it a second thought. I enjoy time by myself and with friends when DC are away. And I make sure they know I am busy so they don't ever worry. But I still miss them.

Original poster
Undecidedandtorn · 02/11/2022 21:27

butterflyflutterby123 · 02/11/2022 20:37

Is it an option to take an Airbnb for a long weekend in the middle not too far away? DC could stay with you for 4 days and it just breaks up the time?

If it was closer this would work but it's just too far away

OP posts:
bellac11 · 02/11/2022 21:27

Iheartholidays · 02/11/2022 21:25

I'm going to guess that OP wouldn't dream of taking the children away without their Dad for four weeks - but if it did feel necessary would discuss with him how to make it work for everyone if she did. Because most parents (though not on this thread!) miss their children for four weeks - and vice versa. And most parents don't make decisions like this unilaterally. And most parents would give a great deal of thought to an 8 year old being without them for that long.

@Firecarrier I would say that is quite unusual - to not give it a second thought. I enjoy time by myself and with friends when DC are away. And I make sure they know I am busy so they don't ever worry. But I still miss them.

Missing the kids is normal.

Not being able to 'cope without them' is a completely different thing and speaks of issues that OP needs to resolve and she has recognised that

If she doesnt, she risks putting her anxieties and distress onto the children who wont be able to enjoy the trip.

magicscares · 02/11/2022 21:29

Oh OP I feel for you. I really struggle with being apart from my kids for more than a few days when their dad takes them on hols.
I’d put my foot down with ex. Explain it’s not fair on the dc or you, you wouldn’t do that to him. You’ll give him space, but will be in the area (staying separately) for part of the trip & you’ll see the dc at agreed times.
good luck. You could prevent them from going away if he can’t compromise, but hopefully it won’t come to that.

Soontobe60 · 02/11/2022 21:30

If you can afford it, can you fly out and meet up with your dc then take them somewhere else for a week? Bali, Tasmania etc?

QueSyrahSyrah · 02/11/2022 21:31

There is no way I would skip the mid-week visit - they really like it and I need to see them. I might be able to go on a small trip, but I wouldn't have enough holiday to go away for two weeks.

With kindness OP it's not about want you need.

It would be madness to stop your DC from having this fabulous adventure and family time, so between now and then it's sensible to make small steps towards it, mostly for your 8 years olds sake to test the waters.

Please, please do not give away an iota of how you feel to the kids, it'd be enormously unfair for them to feel guilty about going.

Original poster
Undecidedandtorn · 02/11/2022 21:31

Iheartholidays · 02/11/2022 20:39

I'm surprised by reactions OP. I'd be really sad not to see my children for 4 weeks. Its possible, and indeed ok, to have those feelings and still do the right thing for your children. Parents who manage good co parenting relationships generally are good at working out their feelings versus children's needs.

Its not always necessary to totally hide your feelings. It might help your children to be able to acknowledge any anxiety they too might feel as I expect they will be both excited and a little nervous at not seeing you for so long.

As it happens, I think 4 weeks would be too long for my 8 year old.

Who ended the traditional isn't relevant.

Thank you. I have spoken a little to my 15 yo and maybe what we can do to stay in touch over the time. Its too far off for the 8 yo yet but I know he will be fine.

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 02/11/2022 21:34

How long have you been split up?

Puffalicious · 02/11/2022 21:35

Jemgy · 02/11/2022 19:43

That sounds awful OP and I wouldnt cope at all. Are you sure he will bring them back?

How bloody ridiculous. Would you have said the same if a mother was taking her children back to her family/ home country? Bet you wouldn't. It was obvious from the OP that they have a solid relationship and trust.

I've co-parented for 14 years and ex DH has taken my 2 boys lots of places. Yes, it was always hard having them go away for 2 weeks, but I've done it too.

Why is it instantly presumed men are bad?!

Branleuse · 02/11/2022 21:35

I think once the first few days are over, youll get into it and it wont be as bad as you think.

Energeticenoch · 02/11/2022 21:35

magicscares · 02/11/2022 21:29

Oh OP I feel for you. I really struggle with being apart from my kids for more than a few days when their dad takes them on hols.
I’d put my foot down with ex. Explain it’s not fair on the dc or you, you wouldn’t do that to him. You’ll give him space, but will be in the area (staying separately) for part of the trip & you’ll see the dc at agreed times.
good luck. You could prevent them from going away if he can’t compromise, but hopefully it won’t come to that.

No! That’s insane. Op will cope, her kids are with family. They are not toddlers, they do not need their mum when they’re with their dad and safe and happy.

Original poster
Undecidedandtorn · 02/11/2022 21:36

Iheartholidays · 02/11/2022 21:25

I'm going to guess that OP wouldn't dream of taking the children away without their Dad for four weeks - but if it did feel necessary would discuss with him how to make it work for everyone if she did. Because most parents (though not on this thread!) miss their children for four weeks - and vice versa. And most parents don't make decisions like this unilaterally. And most parents would give a great deal of thought to an 8 year old being without them for that long.

@Firecarrier I would say that is quite unusual - to not give it a second thought. I enjoy time by myself and with friends when DC are away. And I make sure they know I am busy so they don't ever worry. But I still miss them.

I've always invited my ex along to everything- days out, holidays, everything. The kids have told me they like spending time with the 4 of us especially the eldest who has struggled with the break up.

OP posts:
Original poster
Undecidedandtorn · 02/11/2022 21:37

toomuchlaundry · 02/11/2022 21:34

How long have you been split up?

2 years but still lived together for the first 9 months of that as I couldn't bear the thought of not living with them.

OP posts:
Energeticenoch · 02/11/2022 21:37

By the way our school takes year 9 away for over 3 weeks. The vast majority of the year group go, they’re 13/14. Not one of the parents pops off to check up on them.

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 02/11/2022 21:42

It might not be what you want to hear but this is always harder on the parent than the children. We went away with my DSD (8) for three weeks this year (longest she’d been away from Mum was 5 days) and she had to be persuaded to Face Time, was too busy having fun! I’m sure she’d be exact same if her Mum took her away for that long and not give my DH a second thought! Book in lots of nice things for yourself and it’ll fly in ☺️