Ex wants to take the kids away for 4 weeks and I am not coping - AIBU to want to join them for a bit of it?

[Undecidedandtorn]

I have a pretty good co-parenting relationship with my ex - we have 50/50 with our 2 sons (15 and 8) - there have been some issues but we have been able to work it out. Due to our set up even though the boys are a week at one house and a week at the other we all have a midweek and a Sunday meal together so neither of us have gone more than 4 days without seeing our children.

He is a really good dad and I instigated the split (not sure if that is relevant but don't want to drip feed) . Several months ago he said that he wanted to take them home to Australia to see his family during the summer holidays for 4 weeks and we talked about me coming out for some of it which I was fine with. A few weeks ago he said he didn't want me to come - that he thought it would be too much. I understood - after not living together for months I stayed at his house for two weeks due to some complications with me moving and even thought we were both out at work all day it was an awkward situation, and we were both relived when I moved. So I agreed - its a one off and I can see its important to him.

But now the reality has hit I'm not coping - every time I think about it I am in tears - I have tried to think of trips I can make that I wouldn't normally be able to do while they are away, I know we can talk everyday but its killing me and my MH is in tatters. And I still have 9 months until they go. I spoke to my ex today about the possibility of me coming out and he hates the idea. He said maybe they could cut it to 3 weeks but that seems so unfair of me to ask plus I am not sure it's going to help that much - anything over two weeks seems too long to not see them.

So any advice/thoughts would be really helpful. Anyone who has had to spend time away from their kids - it would be good to know how you coped. But also if the thought of going for a week if I found my own accommodation crazy?

Please let the DC have their time with their dad and his family. There is no need for you to tag along. It doesnt mean of course that you, or rather they, cant decide to speak to you or message etc. You seem certain that ex will bring the DC back to the UK - so hopefully no worries there. Are you still in touch with the family over there? A good opportunity to build on communication.

It's good practice for when your kids are grown up and you have to never ever express an opinion, offer advice or show any sadness, worry or disappointment to your adult child, ever.

They'll be fine. And they'll have fun.
When my kids were little their dad (my DH) took them abroad for the whole summer holidays to see his family (he is a teacher whereas I am not and could not have taken that much annual leave). The first time, the youngest wasn't even 3. I missed them loads but honestly it was fine. They have fabulous memories from those times. We didn't even have video calling in those days.

You can’t let your anxiety spoil their opportunity to meet their family.

Honestly I think you just have to accept it will be hard and pull out all your best coping strategies.

Dont insist on following them it’s really unhealthy to stalk your ex across the planet to a family meet up

I would struggle with that too OP.
Is there a middle ground and you go on holiday there for perhaps the middle two weeks, do your own thing but meet up a few days with kids by yourself??

That's still relatively early days in my book OP (although I know many people do things quicker). In some ways how you live means you haven't had to fully deal with the separation and in time you might start to take steps to do that. Even though the general theme of the thread is your feelings don't matter(!) I wonder how you will move on when you are still so involved. I'm no expert (but I'll have a go!) - I wonder if part of your reaction to the trip is grief about the end of the relationship and family as it was. I think it will be very useful for you to have someone to talk to.

I make the most of my time without DC but ultimately it's a lot of time apart and that's a sad part of separation - but something you all get used to.

I sympathise and would hate to not see my dc's for a month - however I would put it into perspective by thinking about how we have FaceTime etc now and in the not too distant past you wouldn't have even had a mobile phone to communicate (and calls to Oz on a landline wouldve been far too expensive!)

i think these feeling are partly maybe the result of it hitting home what you have lost in the separation? To some extent you have lost being solely in charge (as a unit with your dh) of them - your ex will obviously now get a say In how they spend some of their time and how long for - this is bound to throw up confusing and uncomfortable emotions. Maybe there is also a little jealousy that they will be having such an amazing experience without you? I'm sure your therapist will discuss all this with you.

But ultimately it will be a great experience for them, I'm sure it'll fly by and who knows? maybe you'll enjoy the time to just be selfish and do whatever the hell you like for a month?

Kids will be 9 and 16 they will be fine
With dad and family
You need to work with therapist to write a plan for your four weeks
You will be fine

Is this about loss of rôle, OP?

I think you need to take this time to let them grow up a bit and experience the world. In all reality once they are grown up and have girlfriends/wives they will probably not see you much anyway as they will have their new family. Let them live.

Do either of you have a new partner?

The OP has a BF

Can you fly out towards the end of their trip and take them somewhere for the final 2/3 weeks of their summer holidays? A month is a long holiday but they will also spend time with his family (neat escape for you) which will eat time.
You could stay in Oz, do Rott Nest Island, Thailand or Fiji,

I think that your comment about the grief I feel is spot on and very helpful. I still feel very guilty about breaking the family up.

Given the youngest is 8 I guess this is a while off.

Maybe. Last time we went it was as a family and had such a lovely time .

I do - only 3 months in though. My ex doesn't.

They're 8 and 15! Wave them off and enjoy the peace and freedom for 4 weeks. In a few years your oldest could be off to Australia himself with his backpack and you might not see him for months/years.

They are 15 and 8. Not babies. You should be excited to have a month to yourself. I am sorry this is hard for you but for boys I think this is healthy to have dad time. It is not healthy to have a mom helicoptering you as a young man of 15, and even 8 is old enough to be away from you for a month, with a father and situation you trust to be safe. Do meditations and plan healthy things for yourself.

It will go quicker than you think. Book yourself some trips with family/friends that you wouldn't usually to break the time up. Perhaps think of some decorating/ decluttering that would be tricky to do when the children are there.

You will miss them but they are going to have an adventure and its an amazing opportunity for them to meet family.

ZOMBIE THREAD

Zombie thread, but I wonder what happened. Was the OP @Undecidedandtorn okay in the end?

Sorry love but tough love time.

Grow up, it's 4 weeks not 4 years. They aren't babies and they are with their dad who you trust.

Seriously.

You can see them and talk to them everyday, it's not like you will be out of contact, just cope with one day at a time.

If you must go out there why not book a holiday somewhere like Hong Kong or touring in Asia, Thailand, China, etc and then pop over to Australia for a couple of days as part of the trip. You could have a great holiday too.

Zombie