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Original poster

Ex wants to take the kids away for 4 weeks and I am not coping - AIBU to want to join them for a bit of it?

100 replies

Undecidedandtorn · 02/11/2022 19:41

I have a pretty good co-parenting relationship with my ex - we have 50/50 with our 2 sons (15 and 8) - there have been some issues but we have been able to work it out. Due to our set up even though the boys are a week at one house and a week at the other we all have a midweek and a Sunday meal together so neither of us have gone more than 4 days without seeing our children.

He is a really good dad and I instigated the split (not sure if that is relevant but don't want to drip feed) . Several months ago he said that he wanted to take them home to Australia to see his family during the summer holidays for 4 weeks and we talked about me coming out for some of it which I was fine with. A few weeks ago he said he didn't want me to come - that he thought it would be too much. I understood - after not living together for months I stayed at his house for two weeks due to some complications with me moving and even thought we were both out at work all day it was an awkward situation, and we were both relived when I moved. So I agreed - its a one off and I can see its important to him.

But now the reality has hit I'm not coping - every time I think about it I am in tears - I have tried to think of trips I can make that I wouldn't normally be able to do while they are away, I know we can talk everyday but its killing me and my MH is in tatters. And I still have 9 months until they go. I spoke to my ex today about the possibility of me coming out and he hates the idea. He said maybe they could cut it to 3 weeks but that seems so unfair of me to ask plus I am not sure it's going to help that much - anything over two weeks seems too long to not see them.

So any advice/thoughts would be really helpful. Anyone who has had to spend time away from their kids - it would be good to know how you coped. But also if the thought of going for a week if I found my own accommodation crazy?

OP posts:

Youcancallmeirrelevant · 02/11/2022 20:18

Smartiepants79 · 02/11/2022 20:14

This feels like an extreme reaction to me.
Neither of your children are small kids. They’re going with their father on an exciting adventure to see family. They’ll be back in 4 weeks and you can talk to them/FaceTime very regularly.
I find it quite concerning that you ‘can’t cope’ with them being away for this period of time. It’s normal to miss them and feel at a loose end but this is not healthy.
I’m probably going to get jumped on for being unsympathetic but for the sake of your children I really think you need to find some way of managing this.

I agree with you, OPs language is exreme imo

chocolatefoxes · 02/11/2022 20:22

Yes, you are being unreasonable. Surely you knew that this would be a possibility when you chose to split up with the father of your children? I think it’s a bit unusual to be this upset about your children going on holiday, but you can’t help how you feel.

If the roles were reversed, people would say that the father was being ridiculous and the suggestion of him going out there would definitely be seen as controlling and weird.

Of course you’re going to miss them and I’m sure they’ll miss you. But as pp have said it’s a great opportunity for them and they’ll be with their dad who clearly looks after them well.

A friend of mine’s ex moved to the US and the kids fly out there for the whole summer holiday. She does miss them but she’s a single parent for most of the time so is glad of the break! Four week feels like a long time, but at least it’s no longer than that.

Quitelikeit · 02/11/2022 20:22

Sounds like a great experience

a word of caution though it sounds like you are thinking of your own needs and wants here

based on everything you have said the boys are at no risk of harm and will be absolutely fine in all respects with you not being there

Interested in this thread?

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Families Relationship problems

toomuchlaundry · 02/11/2022 20:23

Have they ever been away on holiday with ex after you split? Have you never done a week's holiday with them without seeing the ex?

BobbyBobbyBobby · 02/11/2022 20:24

You and your ex are to be congratulated in how you have raised the children together after splitting.

Youe children will go on holiday with their dad feeling confident and must not pick up in your anxiety else it will spoil it for them.

Youll be surprised at how quickly the time will fly.

Dyrne · 02/11/2022 20:24

Youcancallmeirrelevant · 02/11/2022 20:18

I agree with you, OPs language is exreme imo

Show quote history

You’re both absolutely right - so it sounds like what OP needs to do is arrange some counselling; and maybe even post on some sort of message board sense checking her reaction, then perhaps ask for advice on coping strategies?

Something like that?

Original poster

Undecidedandtorn · 02/11/2022 20:25

AnotherEmma · 02/11/2022 20:17

This.
Don't go to Australia for a week, that's crazy.
I do think you and your ex should consider making it 3 weeks instead of 4, but not for your sake; for the sake of your youngest - you need to try and think objectively about how much time he could cope with, not just being away from you but being away from home. He might be fine, he might not, and that's for you and your ex to consider and decide.
You can write them physical letters to open and read while they're away (my mum did that when I was little and missing her when I was at my dad's), you can FaceTime each other, etc.
Plan something for yourself and the time will fly by I'm sure. I think the anticipation is much worse than the reality will be.
Is there a holiday or something else that you'd like to do alone or with a friend?

Show quote history

Maybe it's the anticipation that's killing me - if it was next weeks it would all be over in 5 weeks. Letters to take sounds an excellent idea - I hadn't thought of that. My bf has said we can go away but it's a fairly new relationship so bit nervous of planning to far ahead.

OP posts:

Honeyroar · 02/11/2022 20:26

I hope the therapy helps. You need to try to get your head around this. It’s an amazing opportunity for the children and they deserve time with their father’s family too. You can face time them morning and night, have contact that way, but I think going out there would be weird, even though I understand why you want to.

Sealily · 02/11/2022 20:27

I was the child who was taken to visit my DF’s family for 6 weeks each time when I was aged 7, 9 & 11 (staring early 80’s). Also long-haul flight distance away too. I had the time of my life and remember the adventure of the flights, re-connecting with all my DF’s family, the places we visited were all new to me and I have these wonderful memories for life.

My DM said she missed me but she understood how vital it was for me to build these connections with the other side of my family plus see all the new sights etc of my DF country. My DM kept herself busy with meeting friends and family, having a week long holiday herself etc. These days there is FaceTime, WhatsApp, email etc to keep in touch- back in the early 80’s when I started my trips it was little more than a couple of quick phone calls to let DM know I’d arrived ok etc and then I sent postcards from the places I visited.

For your DC’s sakes you need to get support for your emotions and let them take this trip with their DF - alone. They will be fine and so will you if you get help to flip your outlook into a positive one.

Crunched · 02/11/2022 20:28

He is a good dad, you instigated the split...honestly you seem to have fallen very lucky here.
This Your children will go on holiday with their dad feeling confident and must not pick up in your anxiety else it will spoil it for them. is the most important thing of all.
It will be difficult. You will cope.

BraveGoldie · 02/11/2022 20:29

I'm sorry OP, I don't get it. I'm glad you are going to get therapy. If you are not worried about their well-being, then what is it actually that is distressing? As long as I know my Dd is happy and safe, I have no problem being away from her. I'll be happy to see her when she comes back but there's a ton of stuff I want to do and enjoy doing when she is gone - have a rest! Catch up with friends, get ahead with a project... have noisy sex in the house, read the newspaper without being interrupted. It's heaven! We are more than our identities as mothers. And those other parts get to breathe and take centre stage for a while.....

where are those parts hiding for you? And/or what are the deep down fears you have for yourself when you are not with your kids?

Original poster

Undecidedandtorn · 02/11/2022 20:30

Ohh - postcards from them would be amazing! I'm sure my ex would facilitate these.

OP posts:

Smartiepants79 · 02/11/2022 20:33

Dyrne · 02/11/2022 20:24

Something like that?

Show quote history

Both of which I’m aware that she’s done and I’m pleased for her and her children.
I have however read several other replies on this thread that are basically confirming that this response is normal and validating that it’s ok to be unable to cope without your children for a few weeks.
I don’t believe that to be helpful.
Her children are not responsible for her mental health. Encouraging her to believe that her response is rational is not useful.
I feel it’s important to gently point this out.

bellac11 · 02/11/2022 20:34

Jemgy · 02/11/2022 19:43

That sounds awful OP and I wouldnt cope at all. Are you sure he will bring them back?

What sort of question is that?

Talk about shit stirring.

SD1978 · 02/11/2022 20:35

As the parent who does this, I come home to the UK with our daughter I would not want to have to also accomodate an ex partner, the holiday is for family and catching up, and fun. The kids will have a great time, you're the one who is finding difficulty with it. If my ex had tried to stop me, I would have taken it to court. It's a Hague country, and the I wouldn't allow it because I don't know if he'll come back crap, if I'd had that pulled on me there would have no longer been an amicable coparenting arrangement. You've got 9 months. Organise your own holiday, or time with friends and family. Please, please, please do not allow your kids to see your struggling with this, and make them feel they have to choose or be responsible for your MH. they will be so excited, and yet anxious because they won't want you to see it. Try to show them it's ok and be excited with them.

butterflyflutterby123 · 02/11/2022 20:37

Is it an option to take an Airbnb for a long weekend in the middle not too far away? DC could stay with you for 4 days and it just breaks up the time?

bellac11 · 02/11/2022 20:38

Youcancallmeirrelevant · 02/11/2022 20:18

I agree with you, OPs language is exreme imo

Show quote history

She is taking steps to deal with it though, she is alive to the fact that her feelings are not reasonable or logical

SD1978 · 02/11/2022 20:38

@bellac11- it's the standard expected MN response whenever a father wants to actually be a father and do something with their kids....because only a woman is capable according to some, and no man should ever have sole responsibility for their kids as they are not as capable as a woman and always looking to run off..........

TheOnlyBeeInYourBonnet · 02/11/2022 20:39

It's good that you're co-parenting well but you two seem unusually close for exes and I wonder if that is something you've put in place (subconsciously or otherwise) so you can exert a lot of influence over him and make sure everything is done the way you want it?

How do you think this is going to play out in the longer term when he moves on with someone else? Or you do?

olympicsrock · 02/11/2022 20:39

Four weeks would be too long for me. Going too is not the right thing to do.
I think three weeks Is better and will make a difference to DS2 and you.

Iheartholidays · 02/11/2022 20:39

I'm surprised by reactions OP. I'd be really sad not to see my children for 4 weeks. Its possible, and indeed ok, to have those feelings and still do the right thing for your children. Parents who manage good co parenting relationships generally are good at working out their feelings versus children's needs.

Its not always necessary to totally hide your feelings. It might help your children to be able to acknowledge any anxiety they too might feel as I expect they will be both excited and a little nervous at not seeing you for so long.

As it happens, I think 4 weeks would be too long for my 8 year old.

Who ended the traditional isn't relevant.

mackthepony · 02/11/2022 20:40

Hague convention? Don't know much about it but it's regarding Aussie rights of parents

DisforDarkChocolate · 02/11/2022 20:42

I think 4 weeks away from an 8 year old you have never been apart from for more than 4 days is far too long, for both of you.

I'd insist on going out for 2 weeks in my own accommodation. Plenty to see in Australia.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 02/11/2022 20:45

Actually my oldest went to Cape Town with my mum and gps to visit family for a month as well when he was 8/9 and it was fine, he really enjoyed himself and it was back in the days before face time or being able to even ring without it costing a fortune

Tromboncini · 02/11/2022 20:46

You and your ex are to be congratulated in how you have raised the children together after splitting.

^^I agree with this very much. You can be honest with each other in a way some couples still together can’t be.

I’d be upset but allow it and be excited for them. I’d not tag along.

Good luck.

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