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Original poster

To wonder if I've made a huge mistake having a baby

84 replies

Inpatientlywaiting · 27/10/2022 22:57

I feel horrible for even thinking it.
My baby is 3 weeks old tomorrow, I just don't think I'm cut out to be a mother.
I take care of her, and I'm pretty sure I love her. I'd never let any harm come to her.
But I cant help thinking I've made a mistake and she would be better off with someone who deserves her/feels lucky to have her.
My pregnancy was awful, honestly the worst year of my life.
Labour lasted 3 days and I still feel traumatised by it 3 weeks later.
I could barely even look at my daughter for the first 2 days, I took care of her but didn't really see her if that makes sense.
I was just going through the motions.
She doesn't sleep well, when she wakes up for a feed it takes 2 sometimes 3 hours to get her back to sleep, I'm absolutely exhausted.
There's nothing I can do, I've made my bed now but I have no idea how I can stop feeling this way.
I want so much to look at my baby and feel joy. I've only just got to the point where I don't cry every day (but still most days) so I was hoping I'd start to feel differently.
I feel terrible, so many people would give anything to have a baby.

OP posts:
cantthinkofabetterusername · 27/10/2022 23:04

First of all, breathe...
You've had a traumatic birth and are a first time mum. The early days with a newborn are absolutely exhausting!
Have you had a chat with your midwife or health visitor? If not I recommend you do, they won't judge you and will be able to help. Is your partner supportive?
Hang in there, things will get better I promise

BadNewsBelle · 27/10/2022 23:05

Congratulations on the birth of your baby ❤️ Remember you are only 3wks pp so very early days - I always found exhaustion makes your mind go a bit funny for a wee while especially if it was a traumatic pregnancy/ birth. I'm sure you are a fab Mummy and I think in a couple of weeks when you are both settled and a bit more used to each other you will feel more relaxed, capable and will really enjoy parenting. Don't expect too much of yourself - you spent 9 months growing this wonderful wee human, why would you expect to be totally back to normal after only 3 weeks? Don't put pressure on yourself and don't let anyone else pressure you to feel a certain way either. I'm sure you will feel better about it all in a few weeks. It took me a few weeks after my first child was born to feel a bit more normal, it is a huge life change.
Congratulations again and I am sure your confidence will come soon, as I am sure you are a wonderful parent ❤️

Brieeeeeeeee · 27/10/2022 23:06

3 weeks in is still so new and it’s very normal to feel overwhelmed, have birth flashbacks and feel very down. Definitely speak to your midwife or HV. Do you have any family support?

Interested in this thread?

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postcardpuffin · 27/10/2022 23:11

Oh my love, I feel for you, those first few weeks are just SO tough. What you’re feeling is totally normal. Many women take a fair bit of time to love their babies and to get used to being a mum, and that is so, so common and normal. In fact, I’d say that in my experience it seems more common to take quite a bit of time to adjust, than it is to fall in love with the baby immediately and feel like everything’s wonderful.

Be kind to yourself — being a new mum is a bloody hard job. It takes time to start to enjoy the baby and that doesn’t mean you’re not cut out for motherhood! Your baby only wants you, not some other perfect imaginary mum. You’re her person ❤️ And you can just rub along together until things come together a bit more and you get less tired. Hugs to you, you are doing brilliantly Flowers

Original poster
Inpatientlywaiting · 27/10/2022 23:13

I did speak to my midwife at the signing off appointment and she was lovely, but nothing really came of it. I don't know what I expected to happen. I was poorly last week (exhaustion, dehydration, vommiting, unable to eat for 3 days) and my parents took care of my baby for the night. Honestly I was so happy.
12 hours child free. I told them I really missed her when I got her back, but I was lying, I was disappointed it wasn't for longer 😭
My partner hasn't really been supportive, but I havnt told him how I feel. I'm worried he'll use it against me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Inpatientlywaiting · 27/10/2022 23:15

Thank you for the lovely words, it means a lot honestly. Hopefully things will get better soon.

OP posts:
Spicypumpkins · 27/10/2022 23:15

Totally normal to feel like this, you’re hormonal, exhausted, recovering from a terrible birth and getting no rest. Not everyone feels instantly in love with their baby especially after a traumatic birth.

Give yourself some time to heal and if you still feel this way at your six week check then definitely mention it to the GP. Once everything has settled down if you keep reliving labour or feel down then some therapy might help.

Icannoteven · 27/10/2022 23:19

Ooof, you sound absolutely exhausted.

I think everyone has a bit of a panic and wonders if they.made a mistake at some point in the first few weeks. Babies are relentless.

It always changed for me when they started smiling and laughing, at around 6-8 weeks. It suddenly feels worth it (up until then it is very much the baby just take, take, taking everything you have and getting nothing in return!)..honestly, with till you see those first smiles.

In the meantime though, I suggest having a few pyjama days, having some cuddles and eating some cake.

Spookywhale · 27/10/2022 23:19

i was exactly the same, traumatic pregnancy and birth which made the beginning very tough.

I was so wanting for things to be “normal” I didn’t rest enough to recover from my traumatic birth which lead to problems further down the road. I wish I could go back and tell myself your job is to recover.

Hang in there, take all the help/rest you can get. You’re doing amazing and things will get better. Be kind to yourself.

Crunchingleaf · 27/10/2022 23:21

Birth trauma is very real and many women need to talk to someone about it.
At three weeks it’s absolutely relentless but do mention to HV or GP if you feel like your struggling with your mental health, just in case it’s more then the usual exhaustion and hormones.
I will be honest and say I am not mad keen on the newborn phase. My baby is 11 months and on the go all the time but I get smiles and giggles and I can see his little personality. He can be hard work at times but I really prefer this stage over the newborn stage. So it’s very possible once you start getting smiles, some more sleep and adjust to motherhood you might feel better about it all.

Sandcastlesinthesky · 27/10/2022 23:22

New motherhood is absolutely rough!! Newborn babies are very demanding. You just have to keep going and eventually it gets better. I never enjoyed it when they were tiny. Just felt like I’d brought little ticking time bombs home.

WildGooses · 27/10/2022 23:27

Don’t panic. This is normal. Why wouldn’t it feel like a mistake? You’re exhausted, traumatised, looking after a tiny demanding creature who can’t communicate or do anything for herself other than cry, feed and fill nappies — and you don’t love her yet, because why would you? She’s currently a draining chore and a symbol of your lost pre-parental life. Of course it feels as if you’ve made a monumentally stupid choice. Of course you were relieved to be ill — I had to spend a night in A and E on a trolley in appalling pain when DS was a newborn and once they gave me the morphine, I was so relieved to have a few hours alone, even in a hospital corridor, until they discharged me.

The good news is that you don’t have to do anything but keep breathing — it’s gets better on it’s own. She turns into a person, and starts smiling and communicating and responding, and you learn her, and you start to love her. It can take a while, so don’t panic. Take the long view. I don’t think I loved my baby till he was a year.

TheBulletThatMissed · 27/10/2022 23:30

I remember coming home with DD (she had been so chilled in the hospital) and feeling really on edge like I was waiting for something to kick off. During the evening and night she didn’t settle for a while and I totally panicked. Refused to go to bed and ‘slept’ downstairs with her in the Moses basket. Terrified we’d wake the neighbours up, terrified I couldn’t settle her, terrified of the pit in my stomach all the time.

All I can say is that didn’t last and you too will get through this. Talk to people.

Why do you say you think it will be held against you - is that the issue?

Limescaleandlemons · 27/10/2022 23:32

This is totally normal. Just keep going, it will get so much easier. I found the weeks after the birth of my first, absolutely horrendous. I remember sobbing that I hated it, and my baby deserved better than me. But I went on to have another and wouldn’t be without them now (well… some days, they’re driving me mad this week on school holidays!)

Blocked · 27/10/2022 23:40

I had an awful dose of the baby blues with both of mine. I call the couple of weeks after their births my dark night of the soul. It's the biggest shock to the system you'll ever go through with your first. I remember looking at my first baby and thinking 'I could just run away.' I didn't...he's 5 and he (and, eventually, his sister) became the reason I live and breathe. As babies they love you so much and you love them and they're such hard work and you're so tired and it's such a head fuck because at the start you think this is your life for the next 18 years! But it gets easier really quickly and you adjust and the love comes, and if it doesn't see your GP because mental health problems happen after birth too but it's a bit too early to worry about that. Even if it is though treatment is there and it'll be alright. You've talked to us, you care, you're a good mum Flowers

Turkey18 · 27/10/2022 23:50

Please ask for help from family or friends. When I had my DD I felt the same. Its so hard. You will get through it. X

PenguinLove1 · 27/10/2022 23:54

I was exactly the same, i cried all night at 4 weeks pp that i had ruined my life, i was tired, overwhelmed and thought id never sleep or have a minutes peace again.

My health visitor told me to stop putting so much pressure on myself - i was cleaning for her coming in etc and she said stop, sleep when baby sleeps, eat easy filing food, and rest, and if you feel up to it have short walks with pram for some fresh air. Take one day at a time and it will get better.

Honestly at 6 weeks something changed and it felt a bit better - i felt i could cope, had a semi routine, slept slightly more and it was so much better.

nonstoprenovation · 28/10/2022 00:02

Could you talk to your parents maybe? They sound super supportive and would be able to give you breaks?

They maybe thinking you are all ok unless you tell them you are finding it overwhelming?

Honestly I used to leave my babies and feel exactly the same, I didn't miss them and I used to think I wish they would go for longer, I think that's ok if you keep talking about it, it does change gradually for some people.

Sparklythings1 · 28/10/2022 00:08

I think 3 weeks is the peak of it! You’ve sort of came back down to earth and for me the repetitiveness of having to change a nappy and feed him on repeat just got too much. I felt like I couldn’t go anywhere or do anything because he couldn’t go long enough without needing something. He’s now 1 and we can go days out and just need to throw a few nappies in a bag. It gets so much easier so quickly, honestly! I would say aim for between 6 and 10 weeks, that was the big turning point for me and on another post on here recently everyone was saying the same thing.

Try to get a bit of a routine going if you can, get out for a walk every day if you’re able to. Get earphones in with a podcast on, I love girls overheard! It feels like you’ve been for a catch up with your friends after it and you get a bit of a break. if you can get a good routine going with naps and night time sleep eventually your life will be so much easier. It will come, just take each day at a time, tell someone how you’re feeling and have small goals or milestones to aim for or nice things to do, even if it’s going out for dinner without baby or getting your hair done alone etc!

MrsRolandRat · 28/10/2022 00:15

What you're feeling is completely normal. I too massively wondered if i had made a huge mistake when my dd was born. Like yours she never slept well, took ages to settle after a feed. I found those early days beyond hard and relentless. You get nothing back, literally nothing.

I too was utterly relieved when I got a few hours to myself. I mourned my carefree pre child life so much.

It does change and get better, my daughter is 9 now and my best friend.

Some people find adapting to motherhood harder than others, I openly admit I'm one of those people and it's the reason I didn't have anymore children as I just wasn't maternal enough.

You will love her eventually, it might take a little time. But you'll look back on this time one day and be able to offer advice to another new mum struggling.

Sending love, I promise you, it does improve and you will sleep again!

Ivyonafence · 28/10/2022 00:21

This is so normal. Don't feel bad about your feelings.

You won't always feel like this.

Original poster
Inpatientlywaiting · 28/10/2022 00:28

You've all been so kind.
Any advice for how to get her back to aleep after a feed? She woke up at half 8, I've managed to get her to sleep 4 times but everytime I put her in her cot she wakes back up within minutes, even if she's been asleep for 20.

OP posts:
Basecamp · 28/10/2022 00:32

I also had a horrible pregnancy and traumatic birth. Our first night on the maternity ward I was so exhausted, in extreme pain and overwhelmed. I remember him crying and I had no idea what to do and I just wanted him to be quiet and leave me alone! I remember saying out loud I'd made a terrible mistake.

It certainly wasn't the first and last time I said that either.....

It is so overwhelming at the beginning but it does get better. I'm worried that you say you think your partner would use it against you though. You deserve kindness and support, not judgment.

Dotcheck · 28/10/2022 00:33

You’ve probably never had such a big change in your life. And it comes after a long exhausting labour and 9 months of pregnancy ( which brings its own issues).
Be a bit nicer to yourself. You won’t be a perfect mum, because no one is. It’s a steep learning curve but you'll get there.

cupoftea33 · 28/10/2022 00:34

@Inpatientlywaiting giving you a big hug OP.
It is totally normal to feel this way.
It's overwhelming and you are trying to adjust as best you can...
Sleep deprivation is horrendous.

Take your time to adjust. Take it slow.

What got me through those very early days and weeks was just getting out for a walk, wrap bub up in the pram. Even if it's just 15 minutes around the block..
It makes you feel so much better. Trust me.
Bub will probably sleep or just look up at the sky in wonder...

I have a 3 year old now. Looking back on those early weeks I don't know how I got through it...but you'll surprise yourself how strong you are..

Also talk to your partner about how you feel...it's important to talk to others. No one is going to judge you, no one.
We have all been there. We are all getting through.
Sending love ❤️