To wonder if I've made a huge mistake having a baby

[Inpatientlywaiting]

I feel horrible for even thinking it.
My baby is 3 weeks old tomorrow, I just don't think I'm cut out to be a mother.
I take care of her, and I'm pretty sure I love her. I'd never let any harm come to her.
But I cant help thinking I've made a mistake and she would be better off with someone who deserves her/feels lucky to have her.
My pregnancy was awful, honestly the worst year of my life.
Labour lasted 3 days and I still feel traumatised by it 3 weeks later.
I could barely even look at my daughter for the first 2 days, I took care of her but didn't really see her if that makes sense.
I was just going through the motions.
She doesn't sleep well, when she wakes up for a feed it takes 2 sometimes 3 hours to get her back to sleep, I'm absolutely exhausted.
There's nothing I can do, I've made my bed now but I have no idea how I can stop feeling this way.
I want so much to look at my baby and feel joy. I've only just got to the point where I don't cry every day (but still most days) so I was hoping I'd start to feel differently.
I feel terrible, so many people would give anything to have a baby.

Your feelings are completely understandable and normal given the trauma you have been through. Nothing can prepare you for how intense a newborn is. It will also take you a very long time to recover emotionally and physically from the birth.

Being purely joyful at becoming a mother is a societal expectation that has no basis in reality. You will, one day, experience great joy but it comes alongside the deepest lows. Being a mother is a rollercoaster.

i have 3 DC. The first two had digestive issues, explosive runny nappies and problems with wind. I would try and figure out if your DD is suffering at all because that really affects everything. Even if your DD isn’t suffering with digestive problems, wind can be such an issue and it’s hard to comprehend how much work goes into getting that up. I would recommend getting infacol and see if it helps to settle your DD. I was so shocked when my DS3 didn’t need it. I haven’t met a baby before who didn’t.

with my first two DC I remember having to sleep with them on my chest in those first few weeks. They just wouldn’t let me put them down. It does pass. What kind of sleep set up do you have? I used a sleepyhead, my sister used a swaddle sleeping bag. It can help to make them feel more secure. Your DD knows what she needs and she may just need to be close to you right now.

if your DH isn’t helping with the night shift he needs to. You cannot do this on your own. Even if it’s just a few hours at the beginning of the night. Preferably you’d be doing 50/50. I breastfed my first so I was stuck doing the feeding but my DH would take DS after a feed, change him and try and resettle. If your DH isn’t involved in hands on caring for DD that needs to be changed very quickly.

congratulations on your baby girl! Looking at her and not crying at 3 weeks is a great achievement! The HV appointment at 6 weeks is when they start to take note of your mood so do be vocal then if things aren’t shifting. It’s a given that the first 6 weeks will be hell. Feel free to PM me if you have any questions. Good luck x

Yes - I felt exactly the same at several times when mine were babies. At other times I felt I could conquer the world. The emotional roller coaster during the first few months was very unsettling and at times I just wanted to run away. Both times I developed PND so please do speak to your GP.

As a PP says drop all the ‘shoulds’ and only do the minimum. These early times are sometimes referred to as the 4th trimester for good reason. It can take body and mind a long time to heal and you have had a difficult time throughout - don’t push yourself too hard to meet other people’s (or your own) expectations.

My eldest DD went through the same with both of hers. She was very insistent about having a second even though her DH didn’t want to, so she felt like she couldn’t admit to struggling. She is still having counselling, which is helping. But the thing that has helped the most was actually going back to work and getting some routine and control back into her life. She loves her DDs to bits now but needs to have regular breaks from them.

Also if the screaming continues, consider cranial massage. My two were criers and so were my DGDs. It wasn’t available when mine were babies but my DGDs responded really well to it.

Sending you all the very best and use MN for support - there are amazing people here.

Hey OP. I think you need to cut yourself some slack x

Your hormones are still all over the place, and lack of sleep is hideous!

One day at a time, be kind to yourself x

This is probably frowned upon but my best sleep advice for a newborn.

If she keeps waking up when lied in a cot, get the pram out pop her in there, plonk yourself on the sofa and rock it back and fourth with your foot.
Mine used to sleep so much better with a rocking motion.

The OP said in a previous post she hasn't told her partner as he might hold it against her.

On the sleep thing, winding really really well, and then swaddling worked with ds. We also propped up the head end of his basket, so he wasn't completely flat when he slept. And we used a white noise machine.

With dd, we used the white noise and the propping up but she hated being swaddled. I had the basket right against the bed and when she stirred i could put my hand on her and gently pat her back to sleep.

One thing I did with both was when they started to stir, rather than grab them immediately, I gave them 30 seconds to a minute to see if they were really waking up. Sometimes they were, sometimes they just wriggled a bit and then drifted back off of their own accord.

The first few weeks with ds were hell, I was exhausted, in pain, had no clue what I was doing, and if someone had come and said to me, there's been a mistake, you're not supposed to have that baby, I would have probably handed him back with few regrets. But it did get better. At about 6 weeks he smiled at me. And it all got much better from there.

Even so, I still struggled with pnd with both babies, and I had to get help from the doctor at about 3 months. It made a big difference and I wish I'd done it sooner. Don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it. And if you can, talk to your partner. If you can't then have a think whether that might be contributing to how you feel, and think about whether you need to perhaps go stay with family where you might be better supported.

It’s a bloody exhausting shock to the system OP and that’s without labour trauma.

I also had a long labour and was physically very weak afterwards. I would say that I couldn’t actually deal with my son very well and didn’t want to. Thankfully my mum and husband did an amazing amount while I got my head together. Outsource domestic stuff as much as you can

It’s a case of the baby blues. You’ve gone through something traumatic, added with the lack of sleep and the hormone changes and a new baby to look after, it’s so hard. I’m pleased your parents are there to help. I can promise you, it will get better and you’ll slowly fall in love with her, I didn’t instantly bond with my first either. If it persists then give the GP/ midwives a call, might be PND.

You said she woke up at half 8 @Inpatientlywaiting, I wouldn't bother actually putting the baby to bed for the night until you want to go to bed. My babies never slept more than 1 3 hour chunk at that age. I remember my silent celebrations when I realised I'd had over 4 hours sleep.

You say your partner is unsupportive, is it him that thinks that babies go to bed at 7pm and is trying to push this? Do what works for you, as you are the one doing this.

People are absolutely awful to new mums. Partners, MILs, neighbours 'friends' - They 'don't remember baby X being so difficult' etc. And they're right, they don't remember so they should button it.

Take all the help your parents will give, do what works for you, make sure you get yourself a cup of tea, a snack and the TV remote ready before you feed the baby. If the baby falls asleep on you, just sit there and watch something feel-good on TV.

I googled ‘regret having children’ so know exactly how you feel. I also angrily asked my sister why she didn’t tell me the reality. It felt like a big secret that was hushed up so the human race could continue. 😂 Dark days indeed. Completely understand. ❤

Hi all, I've read every post and they've kept me going throughout the night. So yesterday she woke up at 11am after being awake from 2am-6am. She then was awake until 5pm, but only slept until 7pm. She was awake from 7pm until 2am this morning, then slept until 5:30am and been awake ever since, so just the 3.5 hours sleep.

The thing about my partner, it's very very difficult to get him to accept help. He took baby at 10am so I can try and sleep, even though he's working (from home) . He's a great dad, he loves her so much it makes me feel guilty.
We both have so many family members and friends who would fall over themselves to help. But he only agreed to the other night as I was in such a state I could barely stand up without falling over, and embarrassingly kept pissing myself whenever I threw up.
I can't imagine it's something he won't allow to be repeated without me getting really ill again, stupid male pride thing. He thinks it makes us look incapable. But as he's back at work now I do usually do all of the nights and days so I wouldn't be surprised if I do get ill again if we don't accept some help. He helps when I start to break down or he's off work.

Thank you for suggestions. She hates blankets on her but will try to wind her more, this could be the issue as she gets hiccups alot. Will also try elevating her a little, her next to me cot allows for this so won't be difficult.
Thank you so so much for showing me its not just me going through this, it helps xxx

This! I feel lied to. No one ever told me just how bad it can be.

I remember when a work colleague popped into the office whilst on maternity leave and another team member was heavily pregnant and this work colleague (in front of the pregnant woman) commented on how really hard it was at first but was starting to get easier. After she left someone else said don’t listen to her, she’s talking rubbish and it’s all lovely when you have a baby.

I didn’t have DC at the time but I really struggled in the first few months after having DS, and it helped knowing it wasn’t me being a crap mum but just that those first few months in particular can be really really tough. I remember locking myself in the en suite crying and asking what have we done, whilst poor DH was trying to soothe a crying baby and look after me.

@Inpatientlywaiting tell your partner you need additional support, many new mums (and dads) do.

Please sit your partner down and firmly tell him it's not up to him if you ask for and accept help from others. His male pride is irrelevant and actively damaging you and baby.

How do you think he would "hold it against you" if you tell him how you are feeling? What would he do or say and why are you concerned about his reaction to telling him your feelings? That worried me. You should not have to be falling over with sickness or exhaustion before he agrees to accept outside help. It's not his decision. You don't need his permission.

As for the sleeping, just because he is back at work doesn't mean he cannot get up in the night, especially Friday/Sat nights. Insist on it and set a schedule. If you have a spare room sleep in there so baby cannot wake you (obviously of you are breastfeeding and baby is hungry then he'll need to wake you, though expressing and a bottle might work).

Just do whatever works for you & baby, and please share you feelings with close friends or family who can support you.

Babies are difficult op. I spent my whole life wanting to be a mother and literally wanted nothing else out of life, and even I had so many 'what the hell have we done?' moments when my first was tiny. I loved and adored him but was exhausted and overwhelmed. Everyone I know has experienced the same thing to some degree. It does sound like you're going through something worse but I hope my post makes you feel less alone and that you get the support you need. It 100% becomes easier and enjoyable as they get older.

This is how I felt. Difficult pregnancy and birth then my daughter cried all the time. She would feed fall asleep and then wake up after hardly any time at all hungry. It turned out she had a tongue tie (really common) and she was falling asleep because feeding was so exhausting but never feeling full. She had a really simple procedure to snip it, and then then normally babies begin to feed normally quickly but it took her ages. I remember feeling suicidal and wanting it to end. In hindsight I had post natal depression and wish I had got help. I was so caught up in breast feeding and if I didn't do that it would be the worst thing ever- actually it would have been fine. Be kind to yourself, talk to the dr and midwife. You have been through so much. I remember I felt that I loved her but didn't feel that overwhelming love. One day when she was about 8 weeks old i just spent time with her, laying on the floor, looking into each other's eyes, and then suddenly I felt it. It hit me. But it took time. Not everyone gets that rushing sense at birth, especially when it has been traumatic. Sending lots of love

When my Dd was a few days old me and my husband had a really honest chat and we're like god this is SHIT what have we done.

Then I met my nct friends and someone said does anyone else feel like they've made a huge f*omg mistake and we were all like OMG YES it's the worst!

I promise you this dosent last long. I wish it was talked about more. I was crying to my midwife at my 10 day app because I felt like o didn't love mt DD enough. It comes!

She really is the best thing that ever happened to me but Christ the beginning is TOUGH! I found it got so much better around 6 weeks and she started sleeping then too.

Sending hugs it's really hard xx

Also ask for a debrief. I'm still waiting for one almost a year on but app my ref was lost.

What also really helped was a sleeping rota for DH and me. He'd bring her up for feeds and then I'd go back to sleep. She just wouldn't sleep unless she aas on someone for ages

Your partners pride needs to take a step back. It takes a village especially in the early days. People want to help, and anyone who has had a child will know how bloody tough it is, especially during the early weeks. You as a mom also have a role, and a right, to advocate both for yourself and your baby. If you need help, and people are offering, you don't need your partners permission to accept it.

Just wanted to say that I felt really numb after the birth of my baby who is now almost 12 weeks. Very traumatic birth and really struggled to adapt - the best thing I did was speak to my mum. I cried to her and she listened and it really helped. It DOES get easier.. you are exhausted, hormones are everywhere and those first few weeks can be really really tough but nobody really speaks about it. Can your parents offer set time every week where they will look after baby to give you a break? Sometimes just getting a few hours sleep makes such a difference!

In terms of getting baby to go down after a sleep,I tend to let her drop off on my chest and wait til she's in a deep sleep (I do the arm test where I pick her arm up and if it flops down with no resistance she's in a deep sleep) then I switch the white noise on (we use Ewan the sleep) and I transfer her down but I keep my hand on her head and bum for abit after she's down so she thinks I'm still holding her. Some babies like to be swaddled too as it helps them feel secure so you could try that? Also warming the crib with a hot water bottle abit helps before you transfer them so it isn't cold x

Hi Op. Sending big hugs to you.
Definitely speak to someone. Any trauma can cause a great deal of issues, and it certainly can stop you bonding with your baby.

PP said about hot water bottle to warm up crib before popping DC in, this was a winner with us. We also used white noise / Henry hoover videos from YouTube (many times I would wake up not even realising when I’d fell asleep and she’d be sleeping too). I also got a star lamp that projected onto the ceiling, helped DD to self soothe. We found once she wasn’t swaddled anymore and weighed enough for a sleeping bag, she slept better too, this was about 2/3 weeks in.

Hope you manage to find something that works. But please, please seek extra help all round and don’t be ashamed to do so!

I put a hot water bottle in her place during a feed and took it out (don't forget taking it away) when putting her back. That way the cold bed didn't wake her.

If having the conversation yourself with your DH about accepting more help is a step too far at the moment, are there any family relatives who could speak to him?

I've been meaning to come back for a couple of weeks now, but I hadn't gotten round to it.
But after seeing a similar post this morning I just wanted to pop back on and say thank you.
Things started turning a corner just a week after I posted this.

I made the decision to stop breast feeding.
I was gutted but ultimately I think it saved me mental health.
We were really struggling from the beginning and to be sat in a chair with her for anywhere between 3-5 hours at a time wasn't uncommon, sleep was non existant.
We are both much happier now, we are getting into some kind of a routine.

Baby is now 6 weeks old and just over a week ago she started giving me the beginnings of smiles.

I honestly could've written this post myself! I'm 5 weeks in and feeling exactly this! I also feel terrible admitting it. I'm just trying to make it through each day and hopefully we will get to a point where it doesn't feel as terrible anymore! I just want to say you're not on your own, I'm sure many other women feel the same.