To wonder if I've made a huge mistake having a baby

[Inpatientlywaiting]

I feel horrible for even thinking it.
My baby is 3 weeks old tomorrow, I just don't think I'm cut out to be a mother.
I take care of her, and I'm pretty sure I love her. I'd never let any harm come to her.
But I cant help thinking I've made a mistake and she would be better off with someone who deserves her/feels lucky to have her.
My pregnancy was awful, honestly the worst year of my life.
Labour lasted 3 days and I still feel traumatised by it 3 weeks later.
I could barely even look at my daughter for the first 2 days, I took care of her but didn't really see her if that makes sense.
I was just going through the motions.
She doesn't sleep well, when she wakes up for a feed it takes 2 sometimes 3 hours to get her back to sleep, I'm absolutely exhausted.
There's nothing I can do, I've made my bed now but I have no idea how I can stop feeling this way.
I want so much to look at my baby and feel joy. I've only just got to the point where I don't cry every day (but still most days) so I was hoping I'd start to feel differently.
I feel terrible, so many people would give anything to have a baby.

Mine was also a crap sleeper for about the first 6 months. I co- slept and it saved my sanity. Not sure if this is an option for you?

You are completely normal don’t worry. After having a much longer for baby, my husband and I had buyer regret for a long time. We grieved for our old life for about a year. You want to go back to how easy it was and lament the screaming and feeding and sheer physicality of it. I remember saying ‘we were so happy before, why did we do this?’ But…. Little by little you find your groove, and they hit milestones and their personality comes out. Things that seem hard and alien become the new norm and then you can’t remember what it was like before. Next thing you know you have a sulky teen living with you and you wish you could have those first moments back. Honestly, unless you feel that what you are feeling is more than new mother blues and has moved into post natel depression, it will pass and you will find your groove. My first had severe reflux so screamed all night for the first year and my second fed every 2 hours 24/7 for the first year. Somehow we made it through!

I, you and millions of other women have felt the same. I'm torn between 'it's normal' and 'speak to your GP'. I believe in both statements, it's normal, it might blow over, but speak to someone who can advise. Everyone experiences early motherhood differently, I'm sorry you are feeling shit. You won't always feel this way.

In the first 8 weeks I wondered what the hell id done, and if someone had come to me and said it was all a terrible mistake and they were taking the baby I'd have handed him over with relief.
I can't remember what changed, just that things got easier, more into a routine and the bond did grow between us such that I couldn't believe how I'd felt before.

Why isn’t your partner supportive? Do you live together?

Take care of yourself. It'll be utterly shit for at least 8 weeks, then it gets better, I promise. But prioritise feeding your baby, then looking after you. Everything else can wait. Your job is to feed the baby, however you do that. And if you have help to do that, great. Next, you need to recover. If you get a shower, or get dressed, that's a bonus bit it's not compulsory. Sleep as much as you can. Nothing else matters.

Hang in there. It gets better. Xx

In the meantime though, I suggest having a few pyjama days, having some cuddles and eating some cake.

OP don't feel bad if you can't do this. Mine would not sleep still , not even on my chest. I had to carry him around rocking, constantly. He cried and cried (colic/reflux) so it was very traumatic for me to listen to. He'd sleep for 20 mins then he awake. He didn't want to cuddle he kept wrinkling out of my arms (prob in pain or uncomfortable).

My baby is 4 months now and it's so much better. You'll get your sleep back, baby will be smiling when they see you. It'll all be okay. X

This is a tough time for you adjusting to a new baby. Ill be honest with my first I recall having similar feelings. You got this!

Why do people always assume partner 'isn't supportive' when a new mum is struggling with an unsettled baby.

My husband worked on his business non stop, did all the cooking and cleaning, as well as household running like garden etc.

My baby still needed to be rocked constantly and would sleep for 45-60 mins only, even at night time. I was wrecked.

not the best answer but... Ive dealt with some really bad sleeper babes before. Have you tried putting her in a bouncer seat and rocking her to sleep in that? I know it sounds like rubbish and babies should sleep flat on their back but it may be worth a try. I would still sit by her and watch her the whole time she sleeps as its not the safest sleep solution...

@brookln because the OP said he wasn’t being particularly supportive and might hold how she is feeling against her

I was exactly the same with my dd. I waited until I was 27 on purpose, so that I could get some partying done first... but my god, it hit me like a brick. I absolutely hated the first few months with both of mine, tbh.

They're 25 and 17 now, so I got through it, obviously, but it's such a hard time. I really feel for you.

Talk to your parents op.be honest with them.they can’t support if they don’t no.but if there is no backstory then as parents they would be more than happy to help.they would need to! As a parent themselves they want you to be safe and well,your their baby.
one thing that might help sounds a silly thing but talking to your lo. Talk,t talk talk talk.about anything about everything.it really really helped here. Never has anyone been so calmed or interested in me describing my lounge or pouring my heart out😊 it got the bond and closeness too.

Don’t give yourself should or musts or time limits for where you should be or how feeling.
tour learning how to do the most important role of your life and the toughest.
so instead take today,take each moment as it is. Day by day moment by moment.plan little dots or just “right,now we are going to bath you,clean you, have a story” take each day,each step.don’t rush or pressure yourself.

Sounds normal, but it's SO hard, especially if you don't have an 'easy' baby. Mine were all colicy/refluxy and I was always the one pacing with a screaming baby while my NCT friends had their babies sleeping peacefully every time we met.

Talk to your HV again, or your GP, and if you have a local Home-Start you could refer yourself to them...new mothers feeling lost and needing help and support is what they are there for.

It WILL get better, but be kind to yourself while you get there.

Fair enough.
I used to get a lot of 'why doesn't your partner help'. When he was running a big house and cooking and working round the clock.

...and working on the business

Definitely did this!

Oh you poor thing. Those first few weeks are so tough and so brutal. Nothing prepares you for it. I was so up and down.
My DS is 22 weeks and I promise you it slowly gets easier and easier, week by week. Just you wait until you get the first smile when they’re around six weeks. Finally, positive feedback!

You should see a HV soon so make sure you speak as honestly as possible about how you’re feeling. Also be honest with your husband and parents and tell them you’re finding things really tough. People can only help if you open up and ask for help. It really does take a village, Things will settle soon, I promise.

And the waking twenty mins after they go down - could it be wind? Could try and get a burp out after the night feeds and before you put them down.

This is so normal - please don’t feel you’re the only one who feels this! I think most do. I’m 8 months in and I still have days I think ‘what have I done to my life’ but it’s not as hard as those early days. You are right in the thick of it only three weeks in.. it’s very hard to adjust at the start and you’ve been through the mill. I would say lower your expectations- for me there wasn’t really joy until my baby could give me something back - a smile, a cuddle. Focus on survival and healing! Do whatever you need go to survive, stay sane and stay as healthy as you can. You still have a lot of healing to do to recover from birth and the new life, honestly don’t put any pressure on yourself for any reason - not even pressure to feel joy or love your baby more etc - zero pressure! Literally just focus on what do I need now - a shower, a coffee, etc etc. The sleep is very important for both of you in terms of healing and staying sane. Do whatever you need to to get the best sleep you possibly can. Good luck and congrats. It does get easier and the joy will come in flashes and take you by surprise xoxox

My second DD was similar after her night feeds and I thought it would kill me. Someone had put a dummy in my work leaving baby hamper and I was quite anti dummy which is daft really. Anyway I ripped it open in the wee small hours and gave it a try and she was off in about 5 mins after the feed.
I think she just needed to use it to sooth back off. Some people will be anti maybe but my god that dummy saved me.
Yes she had a dummy then for naps and so on but I was able to take it away when she was older.

I advocate anything to get you through the first 6 months easier, all the options it's about rest and survive and the rest comes on its own. Also you need to be open and if you can't share how you feel fully, just say you are still exhausted and you need a few afternoons to rest. Rope in anyone to sit for a few hours so you can rest.

So many cultures do post birth better than us with more support for longer, here it's just push out baby go home same day and then no wonder we often struggle.

You are not alone. I could have been you. Everything you have said I said too.

You need to do whatever you can to get through it, hopefully you start enjoying it but if not your baby will get bigger eventually.

Can you ask your Mum to take the baby 1 night every week? Explain how you are feeling to her she might be willing or even happy to do it.

Can you get a nanny or a babysitter/friend to babysit for a few hours through the week so that you can do something that makes you happy?

Just wanted to say I felt the same lovely but you’ve got this and a quick ‘how I somehow get my baby to sleep’ that you may like to try…. She’s on her back, I pat her bum at the side with one hand, hold her chest so she can feel me with the other and then really loud shhhhhhh noises for a few minutes then slow the patting, release the chest hand slowly and reduce the shhhh volume and mine magically sleeps! If she stirs just go back to the same routine (this is after making sure all other needs are met - feed, nappy, wind etc)

Agree with this completley, my dH was incredibly involved and supportive but my second baby wouldn't sleep, refused bottles and screamed blue murder when anyone who wasn't me held her. Sometimes you can have all the support in the world and still struggle with a baby.

OP I had similar feelings after both of mine, wondering what the hell i had done. It got better about 6 weeks in with my first but developed into PND with my second. It all does get easier, I promise, but you shouldn't be scared to admit you are struggling. It cannot be used against you in any way. Ask for help.

I felt just like you, and I have a lovely pregnancy and easy birth so I just couldn't understand why I was filled with pure dread and regret. I remember one night when she was around 3 weeks old and I couldn't settle her one night and I just put her in her cot, closed the door, went to the back door and had a cigarette and just cried my eyes out thinking 'what have I done'.

Like you, I cared for her, I protected her, I fed her, cleaned her, cuddled her and went through the motions but there was never that 'rush of love'. I eventually seen my GP and I did have PND, however, I refused to take any antidepressants (no idea why as I'm on them now and they were a life saver).

It took me about a good 5 years before I started to feel love for my daughter, and it happened so gradually, there wasn't a rush, just the more I got to know her, the more she could communicate and we could chat, the more I loved her.

She is 9 now and my absolute pride and joy, I feel loads of positive emotions when I look at her now and I would go through the shit all again for her. She is amazing and my best friend.

I remember being in your position and reading mumsnet and people would say, 'it doesn't last forever' and I used to think how is that helping me? It feels like forever. I used to wish my baby's life away, it'll be better when she's crawling, better when she's talking, better when she starts nursery.

I am not sure if it's PND for you, I'm not a doctor. But please speak to someone about this, you could get some meds to help? They literally changed my life and I kick myself for not taking them when first offered.

If you find yourself getting frustrated (which is normal by the way) you are fine to put baby down safe in cot/Moses basket etc and walk away and have a breather. Make sure partner is helping so you can nap/go for a bath/ a walk/ a coffee. Or do you have family that you can call upon just to come round so you can sleep for a bit?

Honestly I know exactly how you feel, I promise it passes. You will sleep again, you will get used to this new human that has suddenly appeared in your life, how you are feeling lots of ladies have felt and are feeling but it will pass and you will be okay. It's sad women aren't encouraged to talk about this more, sometimes, simply, there is just no 'rush of love'.