What did '14' look like for you?

[Echobelly]

Out oldest is 14 and a bit now and I've been struck by how different people's experience of this age can be. I was talking to a friend I hadn't seen for years and he asked me where 14yo was going out drinking with mates and that is so far from anything they or their mates would do at the moment, though I know some mates' experience of being 14 was drinking, having sexual partners, maybe even clubbing. And still is for some kids (but I wonder if fewer these days?). Mine was not having many mates, and probably still mostly doing things with my family. No interest in boys, or girls - in fact wasn't ready for a relationship until my early 20s.

Current 14 year old likes visiting historical sites, doing weird make-up, making tiktos, has had a pretty innocent starter relationship (mostly during COVID, but they did get kissing in at the end). But drink and sex not on their agenda or their friends, far as I can tell.

Totally obsessed with horses. Cycled to the stables after school March to October, spent all weekend and everyday of the holidays there. Highlights of the year were horse shows & pony club events. Had friends at school but didn't see them out of school, never even noticed boys, started to use a bit of make up, clothes not so much unless you could ride horses in them 😁

14 was terrible depression, balanced with heightened joys as well. Everything was very alive. Unending silliness with friends, yet bitchiness and backstabbing and social jostling. A gaggle of us hanging out for hours in Costa coffee with one hot chocolate between us (till management started to get annoyed), but also getting drunk in the parks or sitting outside the pubs that would serve underage kids. Masses of flirting (and life altering crushes), shopping, hanging out aimlessly on the street. A string of boyfriends, but relatively chaste. Everything was very dramatic.

I had school friends who hadn't quite got to that stage of development yet and were doing the things I had done a couple of years earlier, but that didn't appeal any more. I was keen to speed towards adulthood (and away from family relationships), but still stayed relatively sensible and safe about it. My friends were everything, but I'd been lacking in them till then so made of them when they were part of my life.

I was pregnant with my ds1 at 14. I was a good girl apart from that. Went back to school and did well in my GCSEs.

Went on to marry ds1s dad ( he's my one and only) so not like I was a wild child really.

My children have been much more sensible than me. (So far!) one more to go.....

I think I could never talk to my parents so have always been very open with mine. I would rather know what they were up to even if i didn't like it.

My dd2 has just turned 15. Has some good friends, likes going shopping, doing things with her hair, looking after her pony.
She hasn't had a bf yet.

I was 14 at the turn of the 60’70’s and grew up in a very strict, repressive home. Lots of unrequited crushes on the brass section boys in the local orchestra I played ( badly) in. Looking back, my best friend was quite controlling as well, was much better at everything than me, was much prettier etc and I think I had quite low self esteem. I was allowed out to the local youth club on Friday night but my dad had to pick me up at 10 pm, I wasn’t allowed to stay til the end. My mother presumably thought I’d get pregnant if I stayed out late!
The restrictions I had as a teenager didn’t stand me in good stead really for life away at university and I got married far too quickly, disastrously so.
At 14 my 3 boys were a complete joy, totally obsessed and busy with sport clubs. My friends with girls were envious at the time! They didn’t really get into “ going out” drinking etc until they were in the 6 th form, so 16/17 probably. They certainly made up for a late start though!
one of them will have a 14 yr old very soon, I’m watching with interest….

When ds(18) was 14 he moved friendship groups from the "popular" kids to the smaller group he is still friends with now. He didn't feel comfortable with the popular kids who were meeting up in groups, sometimes with older kids or similar kids from other schools and they were starting to get into heavy drinking, vaping, drugs, sex etc.

The friends he has now are very similar to him and lovely lads, but a bit too far the other way. He would have loved to go on holiday with friends this summer but his friends parents were not keen on them going. He wants the maturity and growing up part of being independent, having fun, going out and socialising but without the drama around excessive drinking/drugs etc.

14 for me was in the early 1980s. At school I was pretty much invisible with few social skills. I had a younger sister who was 10 and it was expected we played together, and/or with the other local kids/teens, we never went into town, just stayed in the estate. The rest of the time was spent at home, listening to and taping music off the radio. I didn't really go anywhere myself until at 16 I started college in the nearest city, I was basically dropped in at the deep end socialising wise, tried to pretend I was more street wise than I was and the outcome was not pretty.

I think it's also interesting that it's not a 'goody two shoes/bad kid dichotomy' - there are kids who do the drinking and the sex and also do well at school and get on fine with their family. My plan is to, like my parents, be pretty easy on my kids' social life as long as they keep me informed on what they're doing and as long as school and emotional life seem fine.

14: hanging out with my best friend, listening to music, recording Top of the Pops on TV, fancied a boy in my class, camping over the fields near our house, first taste of freedom.
15: met my first love who opened up a whole new world of surfing, beach parties, drag netting, night time sea swimming in the phosphorescence, so many new friends (still friends today), the best music. 1987/88 were the best 2 years of my entire life. So much freedom and absolutely no responsibility

This thread is eye opening! I've always just assumed that 14 is a desperate and miserable time for everyone and you all cope in your own ways, but I'm not getting that from these replies.

I remember other kids at school going out and drinking, I didn't even think of doing it myself. I never had time for all my homework, most likely looking back because I was watching too much TV in my room, and i was always worried about the things I hadn't done. I had an evening paper round and a Sunday paper round, that was the only time I got out. I had a group of friends but they didn't actually like me and I was very unhappy, but thought being alone would be worse. I just remember the stress and the pressure and the loneliness of that time. It didn't even occur to me to fancy boys because i knew they wouldn't like me, so in turn I didn't like them. At home, I didn't like my step dad so spent all my time upstairs. I loved Friends (I was 14 in 1999) and used to dream of having a life like that, if I was a different kind of person.

Had no idea that when you grew up things would get better! I was just waiting it out really. Looking back, it feels like I wasted some years but I didn't know there was anything different for me.

I hope when my own kids get to that age, things will be different for them!

Thinking back, I was several different people at the same time. Spent 13-16 trying on different persona and figuring out who the hell I was

Goth (ish) mean girl at the weekends, skirts with mirrors sewn on, a lot of terrible eye make up and purple dm boots . Mostly light vandalism of an abandoned building smoking and shoplifting. Went out with a group of 5/6 local friends from different schools ( they were at the all girls school while I went to the mixed comp)

At school I was the straight A swot with few friends who spent breaktimes in the library. Got much worse after I took and overdose and they did a very pointed whole year assembly about mental health (mid nineties )

At home - I was as absent as possible whilst being physically there and desperate to hide my eating disorder

Thank goodness I turned the corner at 16, met a solid group of friends and my Dh . That's when I became the most of person I am now ( although I do have far fewer fucks to give now menopausal)

At 14 I was very innocent - spent a lot of spare time in my room listening to music and reading teen mags. Had a few friends, went shopping (trying clothes on) on a Saturday, occasionally would go to the pictures,'skating rink or hang around the park. Oh - our local night club did an under 18s disco - I went there sometime . I never tried my luck at the normal club nights - I looked around 12. I was very shy around boys and had crushes from afar.

At 14 DS was very sporty - attended a couple of sports clubs, also played football occasionally with his friends. Spent quite a lot of time gaming online or watching YouTube. He would tell me stories of some of his contemporaries at school who used weed, alcohol, had sex but that wasn't him or his friendship group .

I would say that for both myself and DS we started doing the drinking, dating stuff at 6th form age . From what he has said, I think DH was the same .

Mine was hanging around the streets. Drinking cider in parks. Smoking. Snogging boys for hours in bus shelters. All done without parental knowledge who thought I was in the library doing homework or at friends houses.

Shagging 18 year olds and going to young farmer parties.

I was young for the school year so not 14 till right at the end of Year 9. I had a small group of close friends and got on pretty well with most kids in my class. I was v academic but reasonably sporty so the bully girls who were basically the netball and hockey teams couldn’t really bully me as then it would be awks on the bus to sports matches. Fancied boys but far too terrified to talk to them never mind snog them. Tried smoking and drinking but literally once or twice. Didn’t go out in the evenings other than to friends for sleepovers or the odd bday party.

if I think about my class at school the behaviour ran the full spectrum from full on shagging, boozing and failing everything to being a social recluse, religious, genius. There were a lot of kids who were unusual combinations of the above traits. weirdly we all kind of rubbed along together quite well.

Yes we all had older boyfriends too. No one went out with anyone from the same year at school. Most boyfriends had left school and were working.

Most of my Saturday nights were spent watching Blind Date 🤣 me too!
I had my first proper snog on a French exchange (thought it was disgusting).

DS1 was studying hard at school , prefect, interested in the universe, ornithology and moth-trapping.

DS2 was in lockdown so lots of time gaming with a tiny bit of schoolwork thrown in.

DD14 regularly meets friends, makes Tiktoks, plays football in the Junior Premier League, loves make up and clothes.

I didn't have sex until 15 but I was sexually active around 13/14. I was enjoying going out with friends and drinking in a mate's house. Despite that I was quite studious.

I’m really sad thinking about my 14yo self ☹️ I was already dabbling in alcohol and smoking the odd bit of weed - but nothing more than what I’d consider “normal” teenage experimentation.
But I was around that age when the abuse by a person in a position of trust began. It ruined me. And as a result, my drug use escalated to a horrendous extent. It went from the odd joint shared between friends, to me spending every penny I could get my hands on, on cocaine and pills. I was sneaking out of lessons to do a line in the toilets in order to get through my school day. I also developed an ED at this point in my life, mainly because I was spending money on drugs not food. And when I was at home, I’d tell parents I’d already eaten at school or at a friends house in order to avoid family meal times.
All this went on until I was about 16 and a half.
Looking back through adult eyes, my heartbreaks for the girl I was.

Staying up late on MSN with school friends. Had a Saturday job. The occasional town trip with a couple of school friends.

That's awful @Ringmaster27 - sadly I expect it's not an uncommon age for abusers to move in when kids can be a bit of whirlwind of feelings and between child/adult - and also when your word as an adult still rules over theirs. 😡

First got served in a pub at age 14. That wasn't a common occurrence though, more likely to be found sneaking a bottle of vodka into an under 18s disco or drinking in parks and car parks.
Getting random men to buy us alcohol. Probably some really dangerous behaviour and I think I was very lucky that nothing terrible happened.

This was almost 30 years ago.

Loved being 14. I had horses so spent most of my time at the stables. Weekend evenings were spent in the park, drinking cheap cider, smoking (I never tried drugs but some did), shopping, cinema etc. We were sensible and knew our limits and never had any trouble with police etc and all did well at school.

My daughter at 14 went completely off the rails for a couple of years, she found teenage years really hard. My son had an easier time as football was his life so they were all about keeping fit, going the gym, playing, training and watching football.

I wouldn't want to be a teenager now, the late 90s with no social media was great

@Echobelly definitely. I wasn’t the only one - and it became apparent went it all came out that the abuser in question had a very particular victim pool. All of us either came from messed up homes, were bullied, were struggling with our MH or a mixture of all of the above.
It’s quite nice though that as adults, me and a couple of the others have really banded together, and are a forever sounding board for each other.

14 for me was similar to you I think. Had a small group of friends, went shopping cinema etc with them. I had a paper round. No interest in dating (I did fancy people but was too shy to do anything about it).
had sleepovers at friends houses but didn’t really start drinking at those till we were 15 going on 16.

Exactly the same!

It was one of my favourite times. We had so much fun, enjoyed increasing independence but everything was still very innocent.

Trying to be cool (in reality I was academic and very very shy) - dresssing as a Skinhead. Smoking, skiving school and drinking cider. Pestering boys by ringing their houses (from phone boxes). No sex though. Listening to music such as Sweet, Slade and Mott the Hoople (I'm old). Visiting the nearest city (by train) and eating at Wimpy. Trying to find a way to watch The Exorcist (it was banned in my area).

DS is 14 and he and his friends are still children in men’s bodies! They’re tall and starting to shave, but all they want to do is play football, game online, have mock fights/wrestling matches and generally mess about. DS still has cuddly toys in his bed
(only four now from a vast collection, but he still cuddles them at night).

They’re not ready to date-DS wondered whether he should get a gf but decided he didn’t want to deal with any drama. 😂 He’s clearly not that interested yet.

DD (17) was very different at his age. Starting to date, nicking the odd beer or cider from the fridge to drink in the woods with her friends, I think she tried a spliff at 14/15. Her schoolwork suffered abit during that period as well, because her social life was her priority.

She suddenly matured at 16, started applying herself at school, got fussy about the boys she goes out this (if they don’t treat her as she expects, she dumps them), anti-drugs and has the odd drink with her friends, but is v. careful.

So 14 is tricky, IME, but different for everyone.