Things you can never say out loud in real life as you'll hurt the feelings of someone you like....

[hatetheplayernotthegame]

...stop buying puppies from breeders FFS.

So sick of people popping up with the latest - inevitably moustachiod dull as fuck doodle - puppy that they've bought from some back yard breeder.

I love dogs. The people who do this never seem to really like dogs much, if they did they'd consider adopting one of the gazillions dumpbed post-lockdown (bought by moustachio-doodle loving twats just like them).

The reason people don't want to be friends with you, is not because they are jealous of your wealth or intellect but because they are fed up with having you 'one up' everything they say and do. It's incredible that someone so 'bright' can not see themselves the way everyone else sees them.

No, I don't want to see the photos on your phone of the latest difficult operation you did at work today.

Does it ever cross your mind to think about the carbon impact of yet another holiday abroad, because what else is there to do now you are both retired?

One of my friends was in the same position. She eventually got a solicitor to write a letter to her relatives (sister and BIL) asking them to repay the money, which was a few thousand pounds.

They paid up, but disowned her. However, my friend says the feeling is mutual. A few years later, the third sibling also went NC with the sister and BIL, due to a separate dispute over money/inheritance. My friend and the third sibling are still close.

To friend - your DH really needs to step up and parent your boy or you will have serious issues with him as a teenager. What lesson is he learning from his DF.

To relative - if you cut back on the meals out, take aways, and copious amounts of booze you both knock back, you could afford to turn your heating on. Your house is freezing, your child is cold and it might help your arthritis.

To colleague - please stop hijacking our team meetings with your political lefty rants. How can you be so tone deaf to not realise we all have different views and we are not shoving it down your throat.

Your child and grandchildren are moving 1000s of miles away from you and I know you’re devastated. But it’s because the Brexit you voted for so enthusiastically damaged the industry that they work in and their future work prospects.

To those ‘teasing’ about my overseas travel: tbat my carbon footprint (overseas flights) is tiny compared with theirs generated by having children and cars and their meat based diet

< but actually I do say this €

You're a selfishly shit mother and grandmother

Stop being so self absorbed, there's a reason we don't live closer to you. Maybe ask us how we are and actually let us finish a sentence?!

Lovely (mostly) neighbours. I know you have lived here for 30+ years, but some of us haven't. It doesn't mean we are second rate citizens. I genuinely don't care how long you've lived here (sorry) and no one else moving in on the street should have to bow and scrape to you either.

Stop pretending you are a clueless ingenue - pretending that you can't actually tie a shoelace. Its boring. Ooh that's better!

Stop posting long rants on fb about how nobody knows what you are going through and how you know who your real friends are because they check in on you.
You never ask anyone how they are unless it's to set up a situation where they will ask how you are and give you chance to monologue about yourself.
I deleted you on sm because I was so fed up of seeing you post your 'poor mes'
You are not a good friend to anyone. You are only interested in talking about yourself and you used up all my good will several years ago.
If you weren't related to me I'd happily never speak to you again.

Other relative you don't know everything about everything. Sometimes if you shut up for a second you might learn something.

Other relative when you comment on photos on fb your grandkids see it. Especially gross when it's on a younger woman's photo. Not sure your wife would be happy about it.

Stop telling your dead [insert relative] how much you miss them on [insert social media name]. They're dead! They can't f'ing read it 'cos they're dead!

Exactly! See also wishing dead people a happy birthday with comments like ‘I hope you’re having a pint up there with Uncle Bob…’

They’re dead, you buffoon!

I know you have problems but the fact that you’re broke is down to you not working although you could, and to you spending all your money on alcohol so please stop hinting that I could help you out.

Social services didn't steal your child, they took her away because you're a bad mother. Getting married and playing happy families with his kids in a big house while your daughter is being raised by someone else, without even trying to get her back, is disgusting

It's a really bad idea for you to have another baby.

My mother is a psychopath. In public she masks it. Her friends think she is an actual living Saint. The scream inside my head is literally deafening when I am out with her and someone tells me how lucky I am to have such a caring and special mother.

Omg. You must be a member of my book club. I thought it was only me sitting there nodding whilst thinking, shut the fuck up.

You have no chance of being successful in this career.

Your dogs are badly trained.

The office was so much nicer when you were WFH.

It wasn't really a good idea to get a puppy during lockdown.

To aunt: No, your daughter doesn't stay with her best friend or boyfriend all the time when home from Uni to catch up. She stays there because you put your dogs above everyone else and also because she can't stand your husband. BTW, he's an idiot who thinks he knows everything.
Oh, and while we're at it: Stop moaning you have no money and can't afford xyz. You have plenty of money, you just spend it like there's no tomorrow.

To my brother: Stop playing the "poor little me" card. Yes, you're lost your parents at a young age, but so did we. Stand by your mistakes and don't always blame others. Please also stop bothering us with your stupid pictures in the family group, the reason no one is commenting is because we are not interested. And if you want to know how a family event went, how about attending every now and again? If I can manage from 500 miles away, how come you don't manage from not even two miles away???

I wish my brother had never married you, he's just not the same happy go lucky bloke he used to be before he met you.

You're awful!

It's so bloody obvious you're replacing your child again. Exactly the same way you did with your oldest with your soon to be middle and the same way you did your cat with your dog and your dog with your oldest child.

Just stop, it's not cute or funny! It's unfair to everyone, your oldest spends all her time with your mum and your soon to be middle will end up there too

You've treated your son like crap his entire life, you continue to remind him how he doesn't match up to his sister yet you still expect him to run around after you. You can't possibly be unaware what shitty parents you've always been.

Stop doing the school run in your actual pyjamas!!
Have some pride in yourself, stop being such a lazy bint and put on some jeans or leggings and a pair of trainers instead of wearing a coat over your manky pyjamas and slippers! While you're at it, rake a brush through your hair aswell! You're setting a terrible example for your children when you're happy to leave the house when you look like you've literally just rolled out of bed.

"You only bought that beautiful dog to post pictures on Instagram. You're a crap dog owner and should have put in more effort with training and be taking it on far more decent walks!"

you do know that if you can’t get a dog from a rescue then the correct thing to do is NOT get a dog?

Yes there are good breeders around but there are bad breeders around. If breeding for profit was illegal (and properly enforced) then there would be far less dogs around that were being badly treated or living in shelters.

With the exception of assistance dogs they’re nit an essential.