Things you can never say out loud in real life as you'll hurt the feelings of someone you like....

[hatetheplayernotthegame]

...stop buying puppies from breeders FFS.

So sick of people popping up with the latest - inevitably moustachiod dull as fuck doodle - puppy that they've bought from some back yard breeder.

I love dogs. The people who do this never seem to really like dogs much, if they did they'd consider adopting one of the gazillions dumpbed post-lockdown (bought by moustachio-doodle loving twats just like them).

I’m in love with you. And yes, like that. I’ve always been in love with you. I always will be in love with you. It’ll never change and because I’m in love with you, you’ll never know.

Yes, you being promoted when you are lazy, manipulative and take the credit for other people's work is the reason that four good people have left. There are three more who will be leaving as soon as they can, too.
In five years the new middle management have destroyed this place, and the unseemly scrabble that is taking place now the top boss has retired is hilarious if it weren't so sad.

We know the same parents don’t we lol

I HAVE FOUND MY PEOPLE!!!

(Forgive the capitals and the excess of exclamation marks - sometimes only gross exaggeration will do.)

I am sure that my high blood pressure is the result of suppressing screams when words and sayings are misused and abused.

Even DH says "refuge" instead of "refuse" and it is all I can do not to punch him.

I swear that If I had even once heard him complaining about the council "refuge collection" service in the halcyon days of our courtship, I would have returned the ring, got onto my motorbike and ridden away without a backward glance.

And whole we're on - Pictures are hung. People are HANGED. I don't care what your views are on the subject of capital punishment, but please get it right. It makes my jaws ache when I have to clench them so hard.

God this is so true.
Latest one is my boss - makes me seriously question their intelligence when they actually say ‘ well yes - the breeders were packed with people as they ‘breed’ pugdoodles and cockerzoos too - they all come over from Ireland…’

Just what is wrong with you?

You think you are better than the rest of us and that your kids are perfect but I think your DS is rude and nasty. You give unsolicited parenting advice, you act like queen bee at the school gates, and think everyone loves you. We don’t, we are just worried you’ll start a vendetta against us if we speak up.

Stop talking. Just. Stop. Talking. You think you are a fascinating raconteur. You are just an egotist who likes to hear your own voice.

To the clients who come into work and spend HOURS of my time choosing a product and then ask me "will you work with it if I get it myself online as it's 1.2323231232% cheaper that way", the answer is "NO, FUCK OFF and take your tight fisted arse with you making sure that the door doesn't hit you on the way out".

Are you so thick that you don't understand that we have to pay £100s for the sample books, heat and light a showroom, pay our staff, pay VAT/Tax/Insurance and you want to buy from an online retailer that provides none of this.

Oh my good God, yes. In spades.

I have no idea why the fuck you're projecting on me but my ds can come and have a cuddle any time. There is no fucking age limit. You properly owe me an apology.

I know you're finding therapy useful but even before it you were absolutely wrapped up in yourself and now you feel totally justified. That's fine but I don't have to always agree with your perspective on everything. Therapy doesn't necessarily mean that you're always right.

You're "kids" are grown ups, stop comparing your 20 somethings to my 7 year old.

I am so proud of what you've achieved however it's early days and you're not an expert, stop lecturing me.

I'd bloody love to say this in real life but the fallout and strops would be immense.

thank you very much @coffeeisthebest lovely to not feel so alone

Dear friend, stop with the married men. You are hurting their wives and children. It's your appallingly low self esteem that prevents you from meeting anyone decent, not that "married men are the only ones attracted to" you. These awful men see you as easy prey and you have agency to say no. It's not compulsory to get involved. If it happens again I am done.

Has "bigot" been redefined to mean "person who can discern the difference between scientific fact and hysterical ideology"?

I must add a marginal note to my dictionary.

You're not doing your daughter any favours by planning your whole lives around her, driving her to far flung corners of the country etc. She's taking the piss quite frankly. Also you might want to go out of your way to make sure she gets what she wants but it's ridiculous to expect everyone else to fit in around her plans.

Also, open your eyes to your poor son. If anyone else is about to go off the rails, he is. He might come across as "he's the quiet, laid back one it all goes over his head" but actually he's had 16 years of everything revolving around his sister and her tantrums.

Dsis you filter your photos to the extent that I'm always a bit shocked when I see you irl.
No one has a chin that pointy.
Stop spending all day doing your makeup and putting on clothes more suited to a teenager just for a photo for your sm.
Think about the damage it's doing to your kids that they never see you take a photo of yourself as you are.

I have to agree with this, much as I hate to make a beeline for the bereaved. I've had enough grief in my own life, I don't need to be made a present of other people's every time I visit a clifftop, travel on the highways, or pass a public bench.

There are cemeteries for remembrance, as well as more organic, less destructive objects through which to make the gesture.

Stop wearing bright orange foundation. Your skin is white. It makes you look like a clown. It also highlights your acne.

You are an awful woman and nobody likes you, and your husband is a dick. Your reputation for falling out with people is legendary and it's no wonder that you can't maintain friendships. I no longer care about the way you slag me off to anyone and everyone. If it makes you feel better about your pathetic little life, fine.

It's no wonder your kids moved abroad to get away from you. Their spouses don't like you either.

And we all know that you were stealing out of our mother's bank account and coerced her into changing her will.

You should be ashamed of yourselves, but you have no moral compass. You were always a spoilt entitled brat.

Long covid is an illness, it is real. I am not lazy. There is no need to tinkly laugh and pity DH who has occasionally to do the dishwasher.
The fact that 90% of the time I can function normally does not mean I just have to push through and carry on if I get a relapse. If I did that, I would get worse. And it isn’t tiredness I feel, I sleep because it’s the only way I can escape from the symptoms.
SO FUCK YOU
deaf fucking ears, every time.

I used to be hurt that you never asked about or engaged with my DCs while talking endlessly about your other GCs. Then I realized that apart from the anecdotes about their early fine motor skills which you trot out every time we visit (if I have to hear about GC1's early ability to pick up a raisin again I may have to throw myself off your balcony (they are 27 now FFS) your comments were nearly all critical. About how they never stuck to anything, didn't know the value of money, spent all their time in the bedroom gaming when they stayed with you. That's because despite your good intentions you are boring, critical and suck the joy out of life. So while I'm sad my DCs don't really have a relationship with you, I'm glad they have not had to bear your criticism and negativity.

Fuck me, that was cathartic.

please for the love of god, stop pretending and telling us all your son is an amazing businessman who makes you so proud because of all his instagram posts of designer gear, watches, holidays and nice (pcp) cars and hasn't he done well.

everyone, and I mean everyone in our wide circle knows he’s a drug dealer and a money launderer. You can’t possibly not know, can you?

You were a terrible, narcissistic father and now you're a terrible grandfather. My brother and I turned out well in spite of you, not because of you.

I would add "roadside shrines" to this list of "please do not remember your late relatives like this".

They are sordid and tacky and serve no purpose other than to distract drivers and provide detritus which looks unsightly, gets blown or dragged across the roads (often dangerously so), and is usually environmentally damaging. 99 times out of 100 is it a particularly awkward bend or section of road anyway, and people driving past there do NOT need to have their eyes drawn to a pile of plastic crap that you manage to add to every year, yet somehow can't manage to clear up the broken and faded leavings of previous years.

It does not look like a respectful homage - it looks like a pile of junk.

So would I - it is beautiful in its economy.

To my patronising younger sibling. I have had our parents for Christmas Dinner every year for the past 4 years and I am absolutely fuming that again you aren't having them. They do so much for you and you do nothing for them yet in their eyes you can do no wrong.
Also your youngest child is clearly struggling because you prioritise work over them. One day you will realise.