Has you dated a Muslim? Need some advice.

[Hilltr]

I'm the one who's Muslim. Long story short but I've started dating my best friend after he told me he had feelings for me. Its early days (a week!) and things are great.

However I realise dating a Muslim isn't like dating your regular person. I've a few things that I've asked him to be onboard with which he's happy with. I explained everything and laid it all out bare so he knew what to expect and change his mind if he wasn't happy with anything. But since he knows me quite well he's pretty familiar with my culture/ religion but it's not the same knowing someone and being in a relationship with them.

Anyway, my question is I don't want this whole issue to dominate our relationship and I want to make things as easier for him as possible and wondered if anyone can give me tips on what would have helped if they have experienced anything similar.

What’s the situation with your family? How much will it impact upon his life? I’m a Muslim who married an increasingly practicing Muslim. I was observant and “moderate” ( I prayed, didn’t drink, party, didn’t wear revealing clothes, didn’t cover my head). I found being married to him to be extremely suffocating. That isn’t to say it couldn’t work with a non-Muslim. There needs to be mutual respect, and you will need to make sacrifices for him too.

No as I wouldn't convert to Islam.

If he isn’t Muslim you can’t be a practicing Muslim so there shouldn’t be an issue really.

A Muslim woman cannot date/marry a non Muslim man anyway unless he converted which I imagine is not on the cards.
What are the things you say you explained to him? Onboard with what?

That's the thing. I feel he's the one that needs to fit around me and I feel I'm asking too much from him and I haven't made any sacrifices myself. He keeps telling me it's all fine and he already knew about all these things but I'm worried it will affect our relationship down the line.

The most successful relationships I've seen between Muslims and non-Muslims is if the Muslim partner isn't very practising.
I know quite a few that went on to marriage and the non Muslim partner was happy to do what was required for the ceremony but generally both parties were quite relaxed about religion generally.

Well yes you can be a practicing Muslim and commit a "sin" . We're not all perfect Muslims.

No experience but if you laid everything out for him it's his choice what to do. Just get on with things and enjoy it. Most important imo is are your family on board - if not who will you choose if that time comes?

Sorry, no specific advice but my friend is practicing Muslim and married a non Muslim. I think it contributed to issues when they were dating -partly because she was anxious about telling family without commitme t of an engagement. It worked out for them though and they are now happily married with a child.

My family aren't an issue. They would just want me to be with someone who is a good person and ultimately it's my choice. I know people assume families are really involved in relationships but it's really not like that for everyone.

I understand you feel very conflicted. It’s very hard to meet someone compatible when religious differences are thrown into the mix. Of course, there are successful marriages, but I think mutual understanding has to be the basis. It seems one-sided for now. Before I met my cunty ex, I met the most wonderful man, who was an atheist. We just clicked and bonded in a way that I haven’t with anyone else. He said he’d do the conversion for me if it meant he didn’t lose me. I said no. There would have been so many conflicts with how to raise kids etc.

Do you think deep down he’s the right person for you?

Well, that’s a huge hurdle out of the way! If your family are supportive, give it more thought. I know of two cases where the families were supportive and the couple went on to lead happy marriages (they were moderate though).

What are you actually asking him to do? What does he have to be onboard with? As a Muslim, you are still a regular person and if there is no family pressure, I'm finding it difficult to see the issue unless he's currently up all night drinking and having random hook-ups, which I doubt because you wouldn't be with him anyway.

When I dated someone from a different culture/religion, I took the differences between us and the requirements of his faith/family etc as part of dating him. I think it's great you laid it all out and so the other person can make a decision for themselves.
In my case my partner used our 'different cultures' as a way to treat me badly, make me feel inferior and disrespect me in general. That was because they were a dickhead - not because of their background. He dressed up poor behaviour up as part of his culture and made me feel like nothing.
You can't make other people's decisions for them or tie yourself in knots trying to solve every problem and smooth every possible obstacle. Just be honest about who you are and what you faith requires of you in life and in relationships, and let the other adult look after themselves based on that information.
If you care about him and his feelings and your relationship that's such a good base to work out all the other stuff from. If it's too much of an incompatibility, at least you tried it together with honestly, care and respect. It's all you can do.

If family isn't an issue. Why does your partner have to fit around you? It's a bit selfish absorbed what is the rush?

What sort of compromises are you asking of him? Surely for a relationship with someone from a different ( or no ) religion to work, you BOTH need to tolerate each other's views, not try to alter each other's behaviour. E g he should accept you don't drink and wouldn't be happy to go to a pub, but equally for you accept he does drink and go to a pub.

You’re not answering any questions. What exactly is it that you are requiring him to do? What have you ‘laid out’ for him?

Impossible to comment if you don’t specify what your requirements of him are.

• no sex
• no alcohol / bacon etc in the house
• no meeting up in my community. This one is because I don't want my family getting any shit.
• I'm free to practice my religion how I normally do.

He has asked nothing from me. He doesn't really drink - very rarely and his pub visits are usually hanging out with friends once a month and he usually has a coke or something.

No alcohol/bacon in his house?

no meeting up in my community. This one is because I don't want my family getting any shit.

He has to agree to live as some dirty little secret? I hope he gives that a hard pass.

Right, so you say your parents are fine with it but they would get shit if you were seen out and about with him.

How would that work long term?

you’d have to a) move away and never visit or b) your parents would have to take and respond to the ‘shit’.

what would happen then? Would your parents still be supportive? Would you be happy? Would he?

The sex, alcohol and bacon, no problem I would think because he respects your faith. The being a shameful secret would be an absolute no. Are you living in a place where your family is in danger if you date a non-muslim? I presume that if they are cool about it, so will many in the community be. What do you tell your friends?

I think a discussion about those non-negotiables is more important than the religious reasons behind them. I certainly know a few fairly fundamental Christian young women who saved sex until after marriage. In some non-Muslim religious communities it’s not entirely unheard of and it’s not so very
long since it was the norm.
I’ve certainly been on holiday with those who did not eat pork/meat/nuts and they’ve been to stay. That is quite easy to adapt to, for whatever reason.
Alcohol likewise. There are plenty of people of all religions and nine who choose not to drink or have alcohol in their homes.

I think not meeting up in your community is harder. Maybe it’s fine to start with but a hidden relationship is going to be hard to maintain and gives a message that you’re doing something wrong and ashamed of your partner. That would be hard in a long-term or shared lives relationship. If you ended up marrying would your community not be invited? Are you looking at this as an interim until you find a nice Muslim lad? Who would you mix with if not your community? How will you respond when nice Muslim lads are introduced or paraded before you? What about the questions around whether you are courting? Will you lie to friends and family?

Its not about whether other people have mixed faith partnerships but how it will actually work for you and your partner.

• No sex: that’s your right
• No alcohol or bacon in which house? His, as presumably you don’t live together? Are you attempting to dictate what he consumes when you aren’t together or have I misunderstood?
• If you’re going to hide him, what’s the point of even starting this? If your long term goal is a serious relationship, don’t date someone who you’re going to keep a secret.
• You should practice your religion as you choose.

It's hard when it comes to starting a family. I'm a Jew and decided only to seriously date/marry a Jewish man because of the life I want to lead.