Active discussions

Help end medical misogyny. Sign our petition.

Help end medical misogyny.
Sign our petition.

Sign the petition

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Has you dated a Muslim? Need some advice.

99 replies

Hilltr · 15/10/2022 07:47

I'm the one who's Muslim. Long story short but I've started dating my best friend after he told me he had feelings for me. Its early days (a week!) and things are great.

However I realise dating a Muslim isn't like dating your regular person. I've a few things that I've asked him to be onboard with which he's happy with. I explained everything and laid it all out bare so he knew what to expect and change his mind if he wasn't happy with anything. But since he knows me quite well he's pretty familiar with my culture/ religion but it's not the same knowing someone and being in a relationship with them.

Anyway, my question is I don't want this whole issue to dominate our relationship and I want to make things as easier for him as possible and wondered if anyone can give me tips on what would have helped if they have experienced anything similar.

OP posts:
DamnUserName21 · 15/10/2022 10:34

No sex until when-marriage?

No alcohol nor bacon at your home, fine. What about when you go out to eat-is he 'allowed' to eat pork or drink alcohol in your presence? If no, then you are being unreasonable.

As for being out in the community, do you mean anywhere publicly or just certain areas?

You are absolutely right to practice your religion. As is his right to observe his religion (if any) and culture-such as drinking alcohol and eating pork of that's part of it.

As someone from a Islamo-christian background, it can't be all one way. And I would certainly avoid laying down 'rules' as to what the other can or cannot do.

FreezingThyme · 15/10/2022 10:41

If he respects your requirements then I think it’s only fair you make compromises for him too. No bacon in the house but he can eat it when he’s out. Same with alcohol. I think it’s unreasonable that your relationship has to be kept secret from your community. That sounds very stressful and diminishing.

SprinkleOfSunak · 15/10/2022 11:22

I was ‘the dirty little secret’ for a few years. At times it made me feel angry, but I realised that this was a necessary compromise I was willing to make, in order that my boyfriend at the time (now my Husband of 13 years) and I could fulfil a very happy relationship away from the community he grew up in, who would’ve interfered and ruined it. We had a very full, intimate relationship as this was our mutual desire, and we used to go clubbing and go on regular dates etc, as we did this in the area he had moved to - not where he grew up. He’s never been very religious, and has become less religious over the years (his choice). I’ve always supported, and encouraged him to keep practising his religion, but he’s made his own mind up.

If we’d been seen in the area he’d been raised, gossip would’ve spread, and his family would either have expected us to get engaged straightaway (even really early into the relationship), or to break up. I have seen this happen time and time again to others sadly.

My In Laws were fantastic, and welcomed me with open arms when they finally met me. My Husband only told them about me when we’d decided we wanted to marry, and they asked that we get engaged as soon as possible (which we were delighted about!), and that we’re not seen together in their area until we’re married, as in my Father in Law’s words, ‘people here will talk shite about you, there are lots of jealous bastards about.’

Go for it! I hope you have a really happy, and long and fulfilling relationship.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Dating General relationships Philosophy & religion
KleineDracheKokosnuss · 15/10/2022 11:33

no alcohol / bacon etc in the house

why? You are not allowed to knowingly eat pork. I don’t see why he, as a non Muslim, would need to follow that rule.

Original poster
Hilltr · 15/10/2022 11:35

SprinkleOfSunak · 15/10/2022 11:22

I was ‘the dirty little secret’ for a few years. At times it made me feel angry, but I realised that this was a necessary compromise I was willing to make, in order that my boyfriend at the time (now my Husband of 13 years) and I could fulfil a very happy relationship away from the community he grew up in, who would’ve interfered and ruined it. We had a very full, intimate relationship as this was our mutual desire, and we used to go clubbing and go on regular dates etc, as we did this in the area he had moved to - not where he grew up. He’s never been very religious, and has become less religious over the years (his choice). I’ve always supported, and encouraged him to keep practising his religion, but he’s made his own mind up.

If we’d been seen in the area he’d been raised, gossip would’ve spread, and his family would either have expected us to get engaged straightaway (even really early into the relationship), or to break up. I have seen this happen time and time again to others sadly.

My In Laws were fantastic, and welcomed me with open arms when they finally met me. My Husband only told them about me when we’d decided we wanted to marry, and they asked that we get engaged as soon as possible (which we were delighted about!), and that we’re not seen together in their area until we’re married, as in my Father in Law’s words, ‘people here will talk shite about you, there are lots of jealous bastards about.’

Go for it! I hope you have a really happy, and long and fulfilling relationship.

Thanks at last someone who understands why I need to hide the relationship. If I was marrying him, it wouldn't be a problem but the fact is I have no bloody idea if I want to marry him! I don't feel ashamed of him. I think he's amazing. He understands this. I currently live smack bang in the middle of the community and the rumours, gossip and murmurs would just ruin a lovely thing we have. I'm just taking precautions to protect me, him and my family. Luckily for me, he has had lots of Muslim and Asian friends of various religions so growing up so he is quite familiar with the culture even though he may not agree with it.

We have decided to just take things slow and see how where it takes us.

For the poster who asked if he was a stop gap before my Muslim knight in armour comes to whisk me away - absolutely not! I'm actually a single parent so not exactly getting a string of marriage proposals!

The alcohol / bacon was about my house - he likes to cook so i didn't want him cooking that in my home. As for what he eats outside that is up to him. It would be nuts if I expected him to completely ban it!

OP posts:
UnshakenNeedsStirring · 15/10/2022 11:35

Why should he have to give up eating pork because of you. Maybe he drinks less but is he teetotal? What if he wants to have bacon and have a drink at home, then what?

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 15/10/2022 11:36

Obv asking the question in the event you decide to live together.

Guavafish1 · 15/10/2022 11:40

I think you should establish if he would be happy to convert for marriage.

As a Muslim women you won’t be able to marry him (unless he become Muslim). I think you should work this out early… because if he is not willing then it’s better not to entry a serious relationship.

Original poster
Hilltr · 15/10/2022 11:41

I created this post if asking for some advice and how to be make things easier for him / any tips from people who have been in similar situations instead I feel I have had to justify all the "requirements" . He is fine with them and that is that matters.

OP posts:
JamSandle · 15/10/2022 11:44

No, I havent. I would not convert to Islam.

zinfanfan · 15/10/2022 11:45

Does he have any religion?

Maireas · 15/10/2022 11:45

Hilltr · 15/10/2022 11:41

I created this post if asking for some advice and how to be make things easier for him / any tips from people who have been in similar situations instead I feel I have had to justify all the "requirements" . He is fine with them and that is that matters.

You can't police how people respond.
The nature of this site is that it's open for comments.
You can't make it easier for him unless you compromise more, you're both going to have challenges and decide whether it's worth it.

Original poster
Hilltr · 15/10/2022 11:46

Guavafish1 · 15/10/2022 11:40

I think you should establish if he would be happy to convert for marriage.

As a Muslim women you won’t be able to marry him (unless he become Muslim). I think you should work this out early… because if he is not willing then it’s better not to entry a serious relationship.

He has mentioned that he would convert but he probably wouldn't practice which is fair. We have only spoken about this when we had the initial conversation about him dating me. And I don't want to bring it up as it seems to premature and unnecessary at this stage.

OP posts:
DamnUserName21 · 15/10/2022 11:47

@Hilltr
Sorry if I came across as harsh. I do understand about not being seen out with him publicly in the area you live.
I'm not religious but I had an Islamic ceremony with my non-Muslim partner so we could be together purely for familial reasons so I do get it.
If he is 'fine' with things, don't overthink it.

RoqueOnRebel · 15/10/2022 11:49

You don't have to convert to Islam to date a Muslim - this statement just shows a huge lack of knowledge.

OP - different religion and I was the one who had to do the agreeing but I think that is all fine. I will say on the no sex part though that it gets very, very difficult and ahem, we failed quite quickly on it. We are now engaged, I have converted though not for marriage purposes, and are getting married soon. Also my best friend.

His family were great, but the community part was quite hard - we / he got a lot of shit at one time so I totally understand that. Thankfully in the religion women aren't really involved in community events so I am out of it now and still have a good group of friends that are religious and that I can spend time with still too.

Iwonder08 · 15/10/2022 12:00

OP, what about sex? Have you discussed it? Practicing Muslim surely won't have sex before marriage.. Is he on board with that?

RoqueOnRebel · 15/10/2022 12:06

@Iwonder08 read the thread - it's on there.

Armadillidium · 15/10/2022 12:11

It’s a hard no from me.

I just typed out a huge page and deleted it. Basically it’s all fun and games until you marry and have kids, IME.

Kendodd · 15/10/2022 12:13

Non Muslim female, have dated two Muslim men in my youth.
Both men drank, went clubbing, had sex with me, I even lived with one for a while and was quite serious. Never met either of their families, although one was north African and family live there, the other was British Pakistani, family here, some extended family in Pakistan. We did talk/loose plan to visit Pakistan together, it never happened though.
It was a great time but not sure my experience is all that helpful.

Kendodd · 15/10/2022 12:17

Oh and there was absolutely zero chance that I would have converted to that or any other religion, I don't believe in any God.

Lillonely · 15/10/2022 12:17

So I’m Muslim as is DH, we are from slightly different cultures. This has been a significant problem. There are Muslim communities in the UK that are incredibly insular (some that aren’t) and they don’t tend to welcome outsiders, specifically of another race, let alone religion. There is a possibility his family won’t accept you. Would he go against them?
what culture is he from? And where specifically and what language does he speak (sounds odd but it’s really relevant). What culture and religions background are you from? reason for asking is muslim men can marry Jewish or Christian women. Are arranged marriages the norm? What about consanguineous marriages? Does he have siblings? Is he the only son?

so basically dating is haram (forbidden) it’s not just the issue of sex it’s the entire notion of dating. Do his family know?

what do you want here? Do you want marriage as that is the only purpose islamically for engaging with a non mahram male. You want kids? Do you want them to be Muslim as that’s the only way they’ll be raised.

Feel free to look up my user name and see the bollocks I’ve dealt with and I’m born muslim

Lillonely · 15/10/2022 12:21

Armadillidium · 15/10/2022 12:11

It’s a hard no from me.

I just typed out a huge page and deleted it. Basically it’s all fun and games until you marry and have kids, IME.

Erm what? Please explain this

GlistersisnotGold · 15/10/2022 12:27

Myself and my ex were not hugely devout with our religions. He was a Muslim and I am a Christian. He would celebrate Eid, I would be there at Christmas and Easter . He explained about us being people of the book and it was a good time to learn about each other’s practices.

I was a secret for a year, I told my parents quite early on. What he did say when we were going to buy meat at a halal butcher in the Asian area was that many men would consider me very low and a whore for dating and not just going straight to marriage. I found that very difficult obviously. We did get stared at a lot, it was horrible.

He did tell his parents and I met them, he bought a very long skirt for me and my classmates were outraged but I did see it as just being respectful at the time. They expected me to convert, though not especially devout taking that step was just too far for me. I did give up all pig products for just over a year and never drank in front of him. I remember buying and eating a sausage roll when I thought it was just getting too difficult after he told his parents and thinking I just can’t do this anymore.

Its honestly not so much the couple it’s the parents and the community that make it difficult. People can love each other as much as they like but to be shunned or judged, I just could not deal with it. Though they never said a word I’m sure my parents were pleased we broke up. It was almost 27 years ago, maybe people are more accepting now? we were at University together and a bit naive and young.

Sittingonabench · 15/10/2022 12:29

There is a cultural difference at play which will impact advice given. From a non-Muslim perspective I would be happy enough to make these adjustments if I was invested in finding out whether we were compatible for marriage. He isn’t just doing it for you, he’s doing it for himself as well. However I would want to date and allow the relationship to progress slowly to fully understand the person, their culture and how it would affect our lives including marriage, children etc. for a few months enjoy each others company but if you decide to continue after 3-6 months you need to have a lot of communication about how things are going to work. You say your family will be fine but you might be surprised at the emotions that may come up so be prepared if it doesn’t go how you expect.

Shitfather · 15/10/2022 12:30

@Hilltr I wish you well OP. I’m a single mum too and understand exactly what you mean re the community thing. My presents have definitely softened on marrying another Muslim - they have realized from my experience and those of their friends’ kids who have divorced that religion counts for very little if the person can’t behave with decency. Your family sound wonderful as does your partner. The fact that you knew him well beforehand is great. Aside from the community thing, there aren’t many serious barriers in your way. It’s so tough to meet someone compatible, even so when you are single mum and religious issues are there. You’ll find away to navigate it. Keep an open mind and be accommodating towards him as he is towards you.