Has you dated a Muslim? Need some advice.

[Hilltr]

I'm the one who's Muslim. Long story short but I've started dating my best friend after he told me he had feelings for me. Its early days (a week!) and things are great.

However I realise dating a Muslim isn't like dating your regular person. I've a few things that I've asked him to be onboard with which he's happy with. I explained everything and laid it all out bare so he knew what to expect and change his mind if he wasn't happy with anything. But since he knows me quite well he's pretty familiar with my culture/ religion but it's not the same knowing someone and being in a relationship with them.

Anyway, my question is I don't want this whole issue to dominate our relationship and I want to make things as easier for him as possible and wondered if anyone can give me tips on what would have helped if they have experienced anything similar.

That's really harsh. Care to elaborate!

I have not and I never would. I couldn't imagine being with someone whose religion would view me as lesser.

Why bother contributing at all?

Ironic that you view people of another religion to you, as lesser.

Where have they said that?

Why does anyone want to be part of a religion that treats women so badly?
If your partner does convert will you tighten up on your culture?If he doesn't, can you relax some of your rules?

Will your fanily respect him?
I am from a family that is a mixed religious family and have seen ugly emotions on both sides. Its the children that suffer the most.

This leaves me with the opinion that it is better to let go of "tricky " religions that dictate behaviour. We should all learn to live decent lives without the religious crap.
To be a hidden partner is getting off to a bad beginning.

Problematic as hell

I think there's some massive misconceptions if Muslims on this thread which is to be expected really. I mean my dp is probably only open to the idea of us because he has alot of experience / friendships wit other people of my culture / religion.

I can't believe how much of a hard time you're getting here @Hilltr !

I don't think you've been unreasonable, a relationship with someone from a "strict" culture and/or religion is going to have complexities other relationships don't and you both seem to be handling it the right way, with lots of communication and consideration for each other.

It's totally understandable why you need to not be seen together within your community. I think many women here are alert to the red flags on unequal relationships and certainly there are enough people here who've been burned by having to keep a relationship secret. While they're not wrong, I think there are subtle differences in your situation and while it may end up being challenging for him as time goes on, if you both continue with the mutual understanding youve started with, there's no reason why it can't work.

To answer your original post: he may have made clear compromises up front but you'll there will be plenty of times when you need to compromise as your relationship develops- that's normal. I'm a little envious youve found such a kind and understanding man! Just keep alert to power imbalances either way and congratulations on your new relationship :)

Will your fanily respect him?

By Muslim immigrant family respect my white husband much more than his family respect me. The only hatred / criticism / negativity we have received is from his white British family…

Atheists and agnostics only then!
Very few religions regard woman as fully equal, given the time periods and contexts in which sacred texts were written.

The first two parameters on the list are perfectly reasonable. You set the boundaries for your body and your home.

keeping someone a secret is just wrong. I know you want to see where it goes, but if your community requires you to keep a healthy relationship a secret, you should be re-examining whether or not you want to be a part of that community.

allowed to practice your religion seems reasonable on the face of it, but this could have a real impact on a partner. If the relationship proceeds it could bring restrictions and demands into that partners life. There are also issues about how children will be raised. It is not healthy for one parent to simply allow the other to make all decisions.

Even parents who have the same religion or the same basic parenting philosophy are going to have disagreements about the nuances of how to implement those beliefs in practice when faced with the particular personality of the child in front of them. If this relationship does proceed, he is going to need to have a voice even if it he children are raised in your faith. He might have a different opinion when you find out that your shared child is eating bacon cheeseburgers outside of the house or your child doesn’t want to attend services in favor of another activity. As a parent, his opinion should matter as much as yours, even if he has a different background.

Much like lots of people from a particular religion will only see people from the same religion, I know lots of atheists and agnostics (including me) who will only date or be in relationships with atheists and agnostics. I think it’s pretty common!

Sadly islamophobia is rife in the UK. As you say, it’s usually from people who have no direct experience with people from other cultures.

If this was any other list of boundaries a woman had freely chosen, then there would be people saying it was her choice.

The irony of saying your religion is oppressive when YOU are making these choices freely…

For what it’s worth, I don’t think you are unreasonable on any of the things you have listed.

Yes he "should" but tbh it's quite clear.......

Common to date like minded (spiritually) individuals, sure. Not dating someone because of how their religion is perceived is not quite the same, IMO.

As an atheist, I only date atheists because I want to date people who share the same basic values. I am simply not compatible with anyone who has a belief in a deity.

The two aren't mutually exclusive 🙄

Huh?

Thank you @LeMoo for your lovely post. You're right - I guess because I haven't had any compromises from him that I feel a bit uneasy and a bit unfair to him. But as you say its early days and as time goes on in our relationship I'm sure they'll be times where it will be my turn to compromise.

I think you sound lovely and considerate and being with someone who was already your best friend is promising for a happy future.
I totally understand the community issue and keeping him secret from them for now until you get engaged if you do. You can't change their views single-handedly and it's a hard battle to fight alone. Sometimes easier not to.
My only caveats: think hard about whether how you and he would bring up kids is compatible. Discuss it all...down to celebrating festivals etc.
Make sure both families are accepting, otherwise every little thing you or he do will be viewed through a lens of being "white" or "Muslim" and will be magnified by the prejudiced parents!

Did they go on to marry observant Muslim women, do you know?

I don't know, I wouldn't be surprised though, I know it's a pattern, spread your wild oats with the easy white girls, marry a nice brown girl. Fine by me, I was spreading my wild oats as well, it was a great time.
One of them did talk of marriage (the less serious one). He was from north Africa and made it very clear it was only for immigration reasons, he wasn't trying to trick me by pretending it was something it wasn't. If we had married, (never on the cards with me) we probably would have lived together so from the outside it would have looked real.

@Kendodd

That's the nub of the matter really.
Are you being kept a secret because of 'religious/cultural differences' or because you're viewed as a slutty goldigger with no morals who will lead a precious child away and dilute their upbringing because you are from a different religion/culture/race.

It's obviously different when there's a different mix of genders/religions/race but the root of most secrecy in these situations is prejudice and shame. And to not stand up to that for someone you really value and believe worthy in a relationship is letting them down in my opinion.

I know why it's done and that's it's 'the norm' in some communities/circumstances. I just don't agree with it and think it's just continues the cycle for the next generation.