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Original poster

Handhold needed for mad unrequited love-related reason

109 replies

BarefootTeeth · 12/10/2022 22:14

… A man I love but can’t have is out on a date with another woman. Hold my hand so I don’t keep checking WhatsApp to see how long it’s been since he’s been on, and speculating about whether he’s enjoying himself.

I get this this is dim-witted, stalkerish, self-destructive behaviour, I do.

Distract me, and/or tell me how you’ve managed to quash unrequited love?

OP posts:
JulesCobb · 12/10/2022 22:15

How do you know he is on a date?

Original poster
BarefootTeeth · 12/10/2022 22:19

JulesCobb · 12/10/2022 22:15

How do you know he is on a date?

Actually, I don’t know for sure, but a mutual friend invited him round for dinner tonight, and he said he was ‘busy’. Which is not what he’d say if he were just headed back to the office, as he often does at night. I know he went on one a couple of weeks ago, because he told me —and said it wasn’t good.—

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 12/10/2022 22:21

I've had loads, though more like crushes than real love.

With one of them, I stalked his twitter account and found he was a complete twat. That cured me. Unfortunately rampant stalking doesn't always work like that.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
FlippertyGibberts · 12/10/2022 22:21

So...is there really no possibility of you having a relationship with him?

It doesn't sound like he's definitely out on a date.

FlippertyGibberts · 12/10/2022 22:23

But my precious post isn't what you asked for.

I'd love to be single I think. I'd have time to myself, and a tidy house, and make some art.

I'd also find a FWB 😄.

FlippertyGibberts · 12/10/2022 22:23

^previous

Original poster
BarefootTeeth · 12/10/2022 22:27

Absolutely no possibility. He sees me as a non-sexual confidante. I’m not sure he notices I’m female.

And no, not definitely, but it feels likely — his divorce is through, and he’s spoken about the serious illness of a sibling having been a wake-up call about stopping mourning the end of the marriage and moving on. He has his children Friday through Sunday, so midweek is a natural time. The one he went on two weeks ago was on Wed.

OP posts:
Original poster
BarefootTeeth · 12/10/2022 22:30

PermanentTemporary · 12/10/2022 22:21

I've had loads, though more like crushes than real love.

With one of them, I stalked his twitter account and found he was a complete twat. That cured me. Unfortunately rampant stalking doesn't always work like that.

Alas, I know this person quite well, and he’s definitely not a twat. I would find it a relief if he revealed a massive fund of idiocy!

OP posts:
FlippertyGibberts · 12/10/2022 22:32

OK.

Well, do you want to be his confidante? Is that a positive relationship for you to have, or do you know deep down that you can't really maintain this level of friendship with him? I'm only asking rhetorically btw, you don't need to answer.

DSGR · 12/10/2022 22:32

Just sit on your hands and take deep breaths. Then put yourself to bed

Original poster
BarefootTeeth · 12/10/2022 22:47

FlippertyGibberts · 12/10/2022 22:32

OK.

Well, do you want to be his confidante? Is that a positive relationship for you to have, or do you know deep down that you can't really maintain this level of friendship with him? I'm only asking rhetorically btw, you don't need to answer.

That’s a fair question. I very much value his friendship, and he’s also a neighbour — we live in a fairly small place, where everyone’s connected — and we also have a work connection, but I have recently begun to wonder whether it’s more painful than pleasurable. The friendship is years old, the feelings are newer.

OP posts:
Original poster
BarefootTeeth · 12/10/2022 22:49

DSGR · 12/10/2022 22:32

Just sit on your hands and take deep breaths. Then put yourself to bed

Good advice about the breaths.

OP posts:
Undecidedandtorn · 12/10/2022 22:50

Have you heard of limerence? This sounds like that.

Original poster
BarefootTeeth · 12/10/2022 22:57

I’m never entirely sure how limerence differs from love/desire/attraction — there seems to be a suggestion that limerence is somehow inauthentic, a passing obsession with an invented object whose flaws the limerence-suffering person ignores? The problem here is that I do know him, and while he’s not without flaws, he’s a good person.

OP posts:
Undecidedandtorn · 13/10/2022 10:51

I think limerence is a life-taken-over romantic obsession. I had it with someone I was having sex with, some people have it with a colleague or the coffee server in starbucks. It's not unauthentic at all - it's the most I've ever felt in in my life and took over everything. It was horrible.

Original poster
BarefootTeeth · 13/10/2022 19:01

Undecidedandtorn · 13/10/2022 10:51

I think limerence is a life-taken-over romantic obsession. I had it with someone I was having sex with, some people have it with a colleague or the coffee server in starbucks. It's not unauthentic at all - it's the most I've ever felt in in my life and took over everything. It was horrible.

I hear you. It’s all a bit much. I mean, I’m functioning in a demanding new job, project-managing a long-running house renovation (while living in the house), parenting a high-needs child, and generally adulting my ass off, but this is eating my head and heart. There’s something fundamentally tragic and ridiculous about looking at a man for whom you are just a friend and thinking ‘I’ll die if you don’t kiss me.’

OP posts:
Whitepouringglue · 13/10/2022 19:05

This is too painful. I think you should distance yourself and probably you'll have to tell him why if there are all these connections between you. There's no shame in it and it's the simplest route out of an untenable situation.

WiseUpJanetWeiss · 13/10/2022 19:57

He sees me as a non-sexual confidante. I’m not sure he notices I’m female.

Hmm... are you quite sure? It turned out that now-DH and I had thought the same about each other for quite some time.

Calandor · 13/10/2022 19:58

What is it that makes you so sure he'd never be with you?

Original poster
BarefootTeeth · 13/10/2022 20:51

Whitepouringglue · 13/10/2022 19:05

This is too painful. I think you should distance yourself and probably you'll have to tell him why if there are all these connections between you. There's no shame in it and it's the simplest route out of an untenable situation.

Honestly, I’m a reasonably confident person, but I think I’d die rather than tell him. He’d probably be kind, but as baffled and mildly horrified as you’d be if one day an old friend you see as a brother suddenly declared his feelings.

OP posts:
Original poster
BarefootTeeth · 13/10/2022 20:57

WiseUpJanetWeiss · 13/10/2022 19:57

He sees me as a non-sexual confidante. I’m not sure he notices I’m female.

Hmm... are you quite sure? It turned out that now-DH and I had thought the same about each other for quite some time.

I’m absolutely sure. I just don’t register that way for him.

For context, he’s good-looking, has a lot of money, works in a prestigious profession, and is three years younger than me — he’s not been ready to date, but I know from things he’s said (as jokes) that he’s had a lot of offers, including two mothers from his son’s class WhatsApp propositioning him. Whereas I’m plain, just about getting by, and have never been sought after.

OP posts:
Original poster
BarefootTeeth · 13/10/2022 21:03

Calandor · 13/10/2022 19:58

What is it that makes you so sure he'd never be with you?

I’m not in his league, to be brutally honest. Plus I don’t see myself as any kind of sexual prospect — I’ve been celibate since my marriage ended a decade ago. I’m 50, he’s 47 and the women his colleagues keep introducing him to are mostly in their 30s. It’s a particularly personal of the different ‘value’ of middle-aged men vs women, even leaving aside our economic differences.

OP posts:
Undecidedandtorn · 13/10/2022 22:43

But do you think it might help you move on? I told mine that I loved him and asked him how he felt. He said he didn't know. It made me move on.

Original poster
BarefootTeeth · 13/10/2022 23:07

Undecidedandtorn · 13/10/2022 22:43

But do you think it might help you move on? I told mine that I loved him and asked him how he felt. He said he didn't know. It made me move on.

I can literally not imagine a situation in which I would even feel capable of doing that.

OP posts:
Elfsumflowerpig · 14/10/2022 02:43

Ohhh that sucks. You write so well and I agree you really are adulting your ass off. Kudos.

Would it help to know that he is not perfect? Every time you think about how awesome he is, picture him on the toilet, picking his nose or breathing morning breath on you - or some other form of ick behaviour. Basically make yourself think of something unappealing about him every time you get that pang.

And try not to Facebook stalk. Allow yourself one final look and then stop doing it. It's just reopening the wound each time. Find something new and more interesting to spend your time looking at - a new celebrity scandal or fandom, listen to a YouTube video or podcast about something that interests you, or come join us on the Cemantle boards. Distraction, distraction, distraction.