Handhold needed for mad unrequited love-related reason

[BarefootTeeth]

… A man I love but can’t have is out on a date with another woman. Hold my hand so I don’t keep checking WhatsApp to see how long it’s been since he’s been on, and speculating about whether he’s enjoying himself.

I get this this is dim-witted, stalkerish, self-destructive behaviour, I do.

Distract me, and/or tell me how you’ve managed to quash unrequited love?

Fuck living like this, it sounds miserable. I would tell him you fancy him; you think you love him; you want to be with him romantically - and see what happens.

Trust me, there's no quicker cure for infatuation that the recipient's incredulous laughter and bafflement.

On the other hand <cue Marvin Gaye singing Let's Get it On>

Don't use your son's activities as an excuse to keep this man a part of your life, either.

You seem to really put yourself down a lot.
He may like you but think you don't like him.
You're both the same age really.

If it turned out he was truly interested how would you feel about that?

I 2nd the makeover. Something feminine but still comfortable.
New hair style and colour. Some more form fitting slacks/jeans with a floral or lacey blouse. Pretty flats instead of boots. Medium makeup.

Thanks, those were very kind and thoughtful comments, and @ReneBumsWombats, the ‘romantic furlongs’ made me giggle inwardly on a spectacularly wet school/work run.

Honestly, I do know my own worth, and I value myself. My self-esteem is reasonably healthy (after a lot of therapy).

But I also recognise that I am an undeniably plain middle-aged woman who has fallen for a good-looking man who, yes, is only marginally younger, but who, because of patriarchal norms yadda yadda (and the fact that’s he’s also well off), could easily be dating pretty women a generation younger.

Plus he’s still very bound up psychologically with his ex, who was/is the kind of cool, aloof woman whose emotional unavailability attracted him. I think that if I did as @PollyAmour suggests, he wouldn’t know how to deal with someone putting their cards on the table, and wouldn’t find that straightforwardness attractive, even if I looked like Juliette Binoche.

And I do hear you, @PollyAmour on incredulous laughter being a good cure for infatuation, but the risk feels too high. It’s not just children’s activities. And , @emptythelitterbox, I’d probably die of fright if he reciprocated. .

I've not read all the thread. If you have a romantic obsession with this man the friendship is kinda dead in the water anyway.

I’m hoping it will pass and it will return to being the platonic warmth it was before.

Mm I agree with PollyAmour tell him how you feel. If you can't do that then avoid him. It will pass.

I love @PollyAmour's post 😄, and they definitely speak a lot of sense.

You're very self deprecating, but you're clearly funny and interesting. I'd let go of your expectation that he would prefer a younger woman (I mean, he hasn't got one now, so I'm not sure why you think that), and think about telling him how you feel.

Don’t change who your are in the hope that he will see you in a new light. You must have lots of lovely qualities that keep him wanting you in his life.

I once had a debilitating bout of limerance for an old friend. Sadly, I left it too late and only revealed my true feelings once both our circumstances had changed and there was no longer a possibility we could be together. Turns out he felt the same, always had. It didn’t change the outcome for him and I, but it did help me to stop obsessing over what could have been and file the relationship and subsequent feelings under ‘not for now’. It’s no longer painful to think of him and I wish him well in his current relationship.

Just tell him. It may not change the outcome, but it will be a way to move forward regardless.

Are you all this brave and frank in your real lives?

Yes 😄, I have been sometimes.

tell him you are going start dating again…. Mention a potential date. See what happens

Damn you, @FlippertyGibberts , you were supposed to say ‘God, no’ or ‘I did once, and he cackled cruelly and told all his friends and I had to emigrate in shame and horror.’

(At the beginning of the thread, everyone said I shouldn’t tell him! What’s changed??? Who are you all?)

Hi barefoot, I've only skim read but I really feel your pain on this one. I suffered this feeling of limerence for an unspeakably long time with around one person. I managed to drop out eventually but I recently found out about trauma bonds and that explains what I felt perfectly. It was like being addicted to a person - withdrawal cravings the lot.

I've finally managed to change my entire view of this person by imagining how I would feel about their behaviour towards me if they were a parental figure rather than a romantic interest - I realise that their initial attentiveness and interest sucked me in at a time when I was deeply lonely (but I was oblivious to this at the time - it was my normal). We are still in touch, bit although he is the life and soul and oh so very charming, I started playing more attention. I now see that he talks about his own life but has little interest in mine. My role is to admire him and listen to how wonderful he is. It sounds obvious written down, bit it's much more subtle in reality.

Not meaning to make it all about me, but thought some of it might resonate.

OP, this reminds me of the lovely but also sad film "The Remains Of The Day," staring Anthony Hopkins and Emma Thompson, so much left unsaid.
Also listen to Chris Rea, "The Mention Of Your Name", in yutube, alongside the video staring Colin Firth. and actor whose name l can't remember who played Heathcliff such a beautiful song.
My advice would be to go with your heart.

This is a good idea. If he hasn't seen you with someone in a long time or if you've never mentioned being out on dates, he might think you're happy on your own and are not looking.

I don't think you should pretend to go out on a date, I think you should actually go out on a date. Get yourself a dating profile and meet a few men for coffee over the course of the next month or so.

It won't do any harm and it might just pique his interest if he starts to see you as a fanciable woman with several interested men, and not his steadfast old mate.

Exactly this! Stick a bit of mascara (and maybe a dress!) on and get yourself out there. It might just make him realise, but even if it doesn't you could find someone else to crush on/fall in love with. Be brave, you've got nothing to lose.

Well, I did a version of this in that I got dressed up to go out with my siblings last night, and he babysat, so saw me going out and returning — make up, hair done, asymmetric Reiss top worn off one shoulder, jewellery etc — but not a flicker.

He was, admittedly, in the middle of an upsetting all-day crisis with his very challenging teenager, which involved his ex, and we talked after I got back (not late as siblings going to a gig I didn’t want to see), but it was the first time I felt something along the lines of what @Widgetwiggler outlined above — that he was only involved in his own stuff. He then texted afterwards saying that something I’d said about his relationship to his ex was very insightful (which in fairness, it was), and he’d have to process it, and that I was right, and I just thought ‘Fuck this — does he only hear me speak when it’s about him?’ and messaged him back quite sharply. I mean,I’m not his therapist or his service animal. He didn’t reply. (But it’s 1am at this point.)

We were supposed to be taking the children to the park this morning, but no word. I’m not going to contact him.

I’m both cross with him, and a bit cross with myself for snapping back. He’s still a friend having a very hard time, and yesterday was a significant, sad date for him, and he’s been caring and attentive recently — I suppose he gets to have moments of total self-absorption. He has no idea I was trying to be ‘seen’.

Hi @BarefootTeeth
I hope you had a lovely time with your siblings. Sounds like quite a big shift in your thinking - do go easy on yourself, especially after such a late night.

This is going to sound like a bit of a tangent, but I would massively recommend the In Sight podcast by Katie McKenna and Helen Villiers. (If you do TikTok @katiemckennapsychotherapist and @liberationhelen.)

Thanks, @Widgetwiggler — we’re you thinking of a particular episode? It seems to be a lot about parent-child relationships, so I was wondering what you thought might be most relevant.

Were, not we’re.

Do you know - one of the things that helped me was thinking at my lowest/most obsessed moments was "I can't feel like this forever ". And I don't. I've got a nice new bf, I still have some chats with my old obsession and I do still think of him a lot but it's so much better now.

I’m wondering if your crush would be a total pita to have a relationship with?

A lot of baggage with his ex and an awkward teen? No thanks. You sound as if you could do a lot better.

I do tell myself this. It’s been nearly 7 months, though, and when I poke the strength of feeling, it’s not diminished. How long did yours last?

Oh, there’s a lot of truth in that, certainly. He’s moody, disorganised, can be an insanely appeasing father, desperate to please etc — and is still very wounded after his wife left him. (They’d been together from their student days.) And, yes, still very bound up with her.

But I recognise much of that in myself, too — I’m no paragon, far from it.

And he’s also gentle, attentive, thoughtful, and there for me in lots of valuable ways. He remembers the smallest detail I’ve ever told him. He was incredibly kind when I was waiting for some possibly alarming medical results. He’s great to talk to. And alas, I love what he looks like. I find his particular cast of features and body type endlessly appealing.