Handhold needed for mad unrequited love-related reason

[BarefootTeeth]

… A man I love but can’t have is out on a date with another woman. Hold my hand so I don’t keep checking WhatsApp to see how long it’s been since he’s been on, and speculating about whether he’s enjoying himself.

I get this this is dim-witted, stalkerish, self-destructive behaviour, I do.

Distract me, and/or tell me how you’ve managed to quash unrequited love?

Um well it's an ongoing process 😁 but yeah it's mainly getting better and it is a huge relief. I still have the odd moment - I'm not blind or dead and he is bang on my type - but it's not taking over my entire existence and brain space any more.

I've had a crush on someone for 8 years. I ignored and suppressed it until I dumped my ex, who I was with when I met them, for unrelated reasons. Then, when I finally allowed myself to think about it, it became more persistent.

We don't have the opportunity to see each other in person much anymore. When I first met them again after my relationship ended, 7 months later, I told them. I worded it badly, and I think, to make matters worse, they thought it was just a drunken proposition. They looked horrified shocked.

I can't say my feelings have abated. Since then, I've tried to avoid them, to spare the awkwardness and my emotions. Unfortunately they're not avoiding me, almost the opposite in fact, and they're as clever, funny, and charming as ever, which doesn't help.

Still, I'm glad I told them. I don't exactly have closure, but I know where I stand, and I'm not regretfully thinking "what if".

TL:DR - You might feel better if you tell him, even if it's not the answer you want.

Oh, it’s definitely alive and well. I work at a university and so many of the senior male academics I know are married to former graduate students of theirs who are a generation younger in many cases.

It’s true that I feel eroded, @J0y — but I honestly don’t think I can lay that at his door. In any conscious sense, I mean. He can’t be blamed for my feelings, which I’m excellent at concealing. And I’ve known him for years — the feelings are only a few months old, so he’s used to me being in his life as an entirely platonic friend to whom it’s completely natural he tells things.

It’s not one way, either — he is the only person I told about a recent cancer scare, because my best friend was dealing with the sudden death of a close friend of hers, and I didn’t want to stress her further. I had to wait a fortnight for results of a biopsy, and he phoned and texted daily to check in. I’ve had other similarly close male friends (now living in other countries, so more LD friendships these days), without ever feeling any boundary-pushing or sexual attraction.

And I’m not an adoring, validating listener, either. I ask hard questions, I call him out on stuff, I laugh at his assumptions. All he said about the date was that it had been ‘a waste of time’, he’s not gloating about being in demand or anything…?

Oh love - I feel your pain, but rest assured it will pass.

You've already accepted that you and he would never work. So you've got past the 'hoping he'll notice and fall in love with you' stage. So that's good. So now you're certain you can never be together - just focus on healing yourself and trying to put your attraction to him in a box - it's there, it exists, you like him. You are his friend, and you can always have that.

Wanting to know where he is, or who hes with - is so deeply unhealthy for you. You know this - tell yourself this when you want to stalk his Whatsapp. You cannot know what he's up to based on when he was last online - it tells you nothing, its junk information. Put your phone down , go and do something else. Try and force yourself and pretty soon you'll realise you've gone a few hours without thinking about it.

You can get past this.

I think I’m afraid to start to see myself as sexual. My marriage really ground that out of me, and it feels too risky to change after all this time.

It’s so long since I had sex I would need a refresher course.

I should say that I don’t self-present as a bag-lady or anything. I like clothes, but as I don’t drive (medical grounds), I walk and cycle everywhere, so my clothes need to reflect that — I wear a lot of slouchy trousers, boots, Cos dresses and jumpers, Oska parkas etc.

As long as you know that you do have choices. I understand you feel you'd rather die than tell him but then you're choosing this ongoing unrequited situation that underlines your perception of yourself as not attractive. That's quite a consequence. As long as you're choosing to make it, that's ok. You could conclude this if you decided to.

Go see a hypnotist. Seriously.
There could be all sorts of stuff going on that underpins this unrequited love episode and a hypnotist will draw this out and make you love yourself much too much to waste another second mooning over another.

Thanks, @Sharming — that was very kind.

@Whitepouringglue — it would be pretty unreasonable to conclude I’m unattractive because one man doesn’t find me so, and I’m not being obtuse, genuinely, just recognising he’s conventionally good-looking while I have the deep realism about my own looks that comes from growing up with two beautiful younger sisters — it’s not that I think I’m hideous, I just recognise that I’m objectively plain, and most people won’t date ‘down’ from their own attractiveness level.

But my looks are a red herring to this, anyway.

You say you consider yourself to be plain, but most of us are at our age, without the help of make-up! It's unlikely that you aren't attractive, with two beautiful sisters, you're just comparing yourself to them, which is never good. And lots of people who aren't conventionally attractive are still considered beautiful.

Someone once said, "It's hard work being 'naturally' attractive", it's true! Build on what you have and do something different, colour your hair or have highlights, wear a little make-up, if you don't already, and sometimes wear clothes that aren't practical for cycling! Looking good makes you feel good and helps to boost your self confidence, which is attractive in itself.

I know it's hard to put yourself out there, but maybe message people on dating sites, even if you don't meet them, chat, flirt and be the sexual being you believe you aren't. It'd boost your self esteem and be a good distraction, and you'd also let hot crush know that you're available when you tell him all about it.

I know it's superficial, and possibly an unpopular opinion, but we're all peacocks, physical attraction is always the start. Catch his someone's eye.

You have another 40+ years on the planet, don't give up on yourself at just 50.

I think you're right, most people don't want to date down.

But it doesn't really matter whether he is to blame for leaving you feeling a little eroded. The point is that that is the outcome. I learnt that phrase "that doesn't work for me" on mumsnet and you don't have to say it but think it. Really say it to yourself. Being eroded is not for me. Or being overlooked as a woman in this instance is not for me.
Blame is a red herring too!
The situation just doesn't serve you well.

I'm glad it's not making you feel unattractive. It sounded like the feeling of not being 'enough' would grind down your self esteem but that's good that you have it in perspective.

In theory, I have it in perspective. In practice, not so much! Have just been sharing an umbrella on sidelines of our children’s football match. Difficult to project desirability in pelting rain when you can’t feel your feet. I

Oh OP. This sounds like having a tooth pulled every day.

You are absolutely right. However, I don’t have the option of cutting contact entirely because we’re pretty enmeshed in terms of children’s activities — DS would not be able to continue to do things he really loves without his input. Even if I strictly limit contact, I need to try to figure out how to say ‘this doesn’t work for me’ while still seeing him many weekends.

Interesting. I think what has helped me a bit is just to have a bloody word with myself! Nothing is going to happen, nothing will ever happen, so I have tried to be a bit tougher on myself in terms of how I behave around him. I suspect I'm a bit curt with him now at times, but it's me protecting myself as much as I can.

If you can't physically remove yourself you have to try to disengage in ways that are possible, I think.

Saying that I'm spending an inordinate amount of time with him this week so we'll see how well that holds up...

I have words with myself all the time! Fairly tough ones that involve me pointing out to myself precisely what a waste of my valuable time and energy this is, how it does nothing to nourish me and validate me (though I suppose it does, in a way, because the friendship is valuable, and I get a lot of logistical help from him that I can’t easily find elsewhere — he has a key to my house, and I to his, I’ve used him as an emergency babysitter, and we can call on one another in need.)

Does being curt around your person actually help protect yourself?

@CanYouFeelMyHeart, I sent you a PM.

I suppose it helps me not give myself away any more than I need or want to. I dread it being obvious on my face, and I think there's been a few times it has been (although I'd say that's been both ways at times tbh).

It's like a mental leash I put on myself.

I've not seen your PM yet but I have a look later when I'm not on the app.

How's it going @BarefootTeeth ??

I would be lying if it said things were straightforward or good. I went to his house a couple of days ago to do a regular errand I do at a time when I knew he wouldn’t be there, only he suddenly walked out of the living room as I let myself in, caught sight of my unguarded face, and kept asking what was wrong, as I made my excuses and left — it made me realise how much I act around him. He called me three times the next day and I didn’t pick up, as I’m trying to withdraw a bit — just replied to one of his texts that I was fine. Which he clearly grasps isn’t true, as he isn’t a complete idiot.

I’m not actually sure this is a positive development, but he’s stopped calling or messaging, and it’s probably the longest we’ve not been in contact in months.

i realise that sounds incredibly teenage. Seeing him unexpectedly — and having him see me without my public face on — really threw me.

Are you really sure he has no romantic furlongs for you? I know I'll be hit with all the counter examples for saying this, but in my experience, straight, single men who have friendships this close with a straight single woman, to the point of having keys to her house and helping with practical life tasks, usually do have a deeper interest.

Furlongs? What the duck find if autocorrect is thar?

I was wondering this. You’ve talked yourself down a lot but he clearly likes you a lot. I may have missed this but why don’t you think he’s interested in you romantically?

I agree with candleabra why don’t you think he is interested in you? He probably is but your self esteem seems low and you probably don’t think he would be interested