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Original poster

Handhold needed for mad unrequited love-related reason

109 replies

BarefootTeeth · 12/10/2022 22:14

… A man I love but can’t have is out on a date with another woman. Hold my hand so I don’t keep checking WhatsApp to see how long it’s been since he’s been on, and speculating about whether he’s enjoying himself.

I get this this is dim-witted, stalkerish, self-destructive behaviour, I do.

Distract me, and/or tell me how you’ve managed to quash unrequited love?

OP posts:
Original poster
BarefootTeeth · 14/10/2022 19:39

That’s very kind, @Elfsumflowerpig. I feel about fifteen over this issue.

I actually don’t use FB, and I don’t think he uses any form of social media. My only ‘stalking’ is checking when he was last active on WhatsApp (which we both use a lot, for work and for child communication), and it’s also how we communicate with one another.

And no, he’s absolutely not perfect (he’s flaky, disorganised, blows hot and cold, and he was divorced by his ex, who clearly didn’t think he was perfect), but alas, his combination of looks and personality — he’s clever, observant and funny, and lovely to talk to — is just compelling for me.

OP posts:
Dodie66 · 14/10/2022 19:47

So you are just assuming he wouldn’t be interested in you because of how you feel about yourself. You said about age and you don’t see your self as a sexual prospect. Doesn’t mean that he doesn’t. How do you know how he feels. He might be dating other people but not getting on with them

CanYouFeelMyHeart · 14/10/2022 19:58

Oh OP. I so so so feel you.

I've had the most fucking insane overwhelming destabilising heart-eating crush on someone this year, which has never happened to me before, and I've been happily married for 17 years!

Some days my head has been utterly filled with him, but in the last month or so the feelings have started to abate on their own (I can't not see the person in question, so distancing hasn't been possible but it's started to pass.)

Have hope! It's utterly fucking miserable.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
Original poster
BarefootTeeth · 14/10/2022 20:01

Dodie66 · 14/10/2022 19:47

So you are just assuming he wouldn’t be interested in you because of how you feel about yourself. You said about age and you don’t see your self as a sexual prospect. Doesn’t mean that he doesn’t. How do you know how he feels. He might be dating other people but not getting on with them

I actually feel ok about myself — I’ve lost a lot of weight this year, and I’m fitter than I’ve ever been — but I’m just being realistic. I’m plain. People tend to date within their own level of attractiveness, and I’m not in his ballpark. Plus, judging by his ex-wife, whom I know a little and have occasionally socialised with, his type is cool, confident, aloof and poised, none of which I am.😀

OP posts:
declutteringmymind · 14/10/2022 20:13

I think you need to work on yourself a bit. Maybe go on a date or two yourself?

Original poster
BarefootTeeth · 14/10/2022 20:54

declutteringmymind · 14/10/2022 20:13

I think you need to work on yourself a bit. Maybe go on a date or two yourself?

From what read on here, dating is not necessarily the way to feel good about yourself!

OP posts:
declutteringmymind · 14/10/2022 21:08

Not to feel good about yourself but just to carve out your own life. Maybe you'll make another friend, get some perspective on the issue.

YogaLite · 14/10/2022 22:27

I am with @Undecidedandtorn on this, BUT don't say anything to the guy, just imagine you did and got a unfavourable reply. Or you can write it all out like a role play from both sides with that unfavourable response again, without presenting it to him. And then distance yourself, keep busy with other things.

I would also agree with PP that a middle aged guy would be more attracted to a younger woman.

Original poster
BarefootTeeth · 14/10/2022 22:28

i do have my own life, though. I have a child, good friends, family, a demanding job I believe in, a mouldering house that will (eventually, when I am about ninety) be beautiful, I run, I volunteer, I go climbing, I sing in a band. I just got back from a trip to the US — I have a good, full life. I just happened to fall for a friend who doesn’t consider me that way. I assume it will eventually pass, but fuck it, it’s painful.

OP posts:
Original poster
BarefootTeeth · 14/10/2022 22:32

YogaLite · 14/10/2022 22:27

I am with @Undecidedandtorn on this, BUT don't say anything to the guy, just imagine you did and got a unfavourable reply. Or you can write it all out like a role play from both sides with that unfavourable response again, without presenting it to him. And then distance yourself, keep busy with other things.

I would also agree with PP that a middle aged guy would be more attracted to a younger woman.

I have no intention of ever saying anything to him. The idea makes my skin crawl. And yes, I’m well aware that a good-looking, athletic, solvent man of 47 is not likely to be considering a 50 year old.

OP posts:
kaymc3 · 14/10/2022 22:38

I'm in a similar situation and it's so hard. Constantly checking WhatsApp/Instagram and waiting for a text or just anything! I feel like a teenager and I hate it!!! So sorry I don't have any advice, but offering solidarity. Hopefully time will help us both 🙄

Skylark1 · 14/10/2022 22:49

OP - tons of guys have an older woman thing.

I'm being serious. (Maybe not of relevance re this guy, but to PP who said men your age will mostly want younger women - it's not true.)

Sophie1980 · 14/10/2022 22:58

Yes, I know. I did finally move on after moping for months.
For about 6 months it felt like bereavement. Then tapered off.

Original poster
BarefootTeeth · 14/10/2022 23:03

kaymc3 · 14/10/2022 22:38

I'm in a similar situation and it's so hard. Constantly checking WhatsApp/Instagram and waiting for a text or just anything! I feel like a teenager and I hate it!!! So sorry I don't have any advice, but offering solidarity. Hopefully time will help us both 🙄

extends hand of solidarity

Yes, it feels deeply undignified. He just phoned. We’re going to spend most of tomorrow together, taking our kids to a distant thing. I recognise this is probably really not a good idea.

OP posts:
Crunched · 14/10/2022 23:20

I'm being serious. (Maybe not of relevance re this guy, but to PP who said men your age will mostly want younger women - it's not true.)

I really wouldn't even class ages 50 to 47 as an older woman! In the last year two of my male friends have set up home with their new partners.
Male 56 Female 59
Male 52 Female 54
Age has never even been mentioned. I must admit that the invisibility cloak that so many on MN refer to middle aged women wearing does not seem apparent on the women I know.
I think you should tell your crush that you find him attractive.

FlippertyGibberts · 15/10/2022 08:08

Skylark1 · 14/10/2022 22:49

OP - tons of guys have an older woman thing.

I'm being serious. (Maybe not of relevance re this guy, but to PP who said men your age will mostly want younger women - it's not true.)

He doesn't need to have an older woman thing - the OP is 50 and he's 47.

Original poster
BarefootTeeth · 15/10/2022 08:15

CanYouFeelMyHeart · 14/10/2022 19:58

Oh OP. I so so so feel you.

I've had the most fucking insane overwhelming destabilising heart-eating crush on someone this year, which has never happened to me before, and I've been happily married for 17 years!

Some days my head has been utterly filled with him, but in the last month or so the feelings have started to abate on their own (I can't not see the person in question, so distancing hasn't been possible but it's started to pass.)

Have hope! It's utterly fucking miserable.

Sorry, for some reason I didn’t see this until now! I’m heartened that your feelings abated even though you still saw him. It would also be difficult for me to cut contact with this friend — we have mutual friends, rely on each other a lot for logistics, our kids do the same activities, I can see his house from mine, his workplace is on the same street as mine.

How long did it take in your case? Are you relieved?

OP posts:
Original poster
BarefootTeeth · 15/10/2022 08:19

FlippertyGibberts · 15/10/2022 08:08

He doesn't need to have an older woman thing - the OP is 50 and he's 47.

Show quote history

It’s more that, from things he’s said, the women his friends have been introducing him to often seem to be in their 30s. I can’t imagine that, if I my friends started producing potential dates for me, they would be likely to be so much younger.

OP posts:
FeralWitch · 15/10/2022 08:26

If the date went badly, give him a conciliatory hug, and let it linger a bit.

It’s a very subtle signal that can easily be disregarded if it doesn’t have the desired effect.

worked for me

FlippertyGibberts · 15/10/2022 08:39

Yes, the age 47 man / women in their 30s thing just makes it sound like the patriarchy is alive and well, plus ça change.

J0y · 15/10/2022 08:46

I'd get turned off OP
It's not the worst thing in the world to grow too close to a female friend, but at worst, he gains confidence from the validation of your affection and support while being aware on some level that the one-sided nature of this friendship must be depleting for you. He is bolstered up. You're eroded; but with a smile staple gunned on to your face.

While he's free to fancy whoever he likes of course, I sense he may have ignored some of the boundaries between a platonic friendship and a romantic relationship.

And then, validated, supported and admired thanks to you..........................he waltzes off on a date!? which he has informed you about. Wow.

GET TURNED OFF.

Wine
J0y · 15/10/2022 08:52

FlippertyGibberts · 12/10/2022 22:32

OK.

Well, do you want to be his confidante? Is that a positive relationship for you to have, or do you know deep down that you can't really maintain this level of friendship with him? I'm only asking rhetorically btw, you don't need to answer.

I agree with this. If he leans on you too much say that this feels like a romantic relationship but without the physical side which doesn't work for me. I can't support you when erodes me.

I have had men do this to me in the past. My last bf was six years younger than me (I'm 52) so not all men will rule out a woman for being older. I mean, I guess the George Clooneys of this world can and do but back in the real world if you click easily the man might have the self-awareness to realise that he cannot just replace you with a 35 year old version.

notputtingtheheatingon · 15/10/2022 09:06

Just a thought! You describe yourself as 'plain' and 'not as a sexual prospect' but what would it take for you to think of/see yourself differently? If you think of yourself that way, it's quite likely that's the energy you're giving off, so then it's not a surprise that he's not seeing you 'that way'.

Do you have an interest in seeing yourself differently? If so, why not do what it takes to transform your internal dialogue? It'll be different for everyone. For some it might be about doing something that'll make them feel proud or getting a makeover or whatever. Give yourself a confidence boost, change how you think and you might be surprised at what comes your way.

Tickledtrout · 15/10/2022 09:11

J0y · 15/10/2022 08:46

I'd get turned off OP
It's not the worst thing in the world to grow too close to a female friend, but at worst, he gains confidence from the validation of your affection and support while being aware on some level that the one-sided nature of this friendship must be depleting for you. He is bolstered up. You're eroded; but with a smile staple gunned on to your face.

While he's free to fancy whoever he likes of course, I sense he may have ignored some of the boundaries between a platonic friendship and a romantic relationship.

And then, validated, supported and admired thanks to you..........................he waltzes off on a date!? which he has informed you about. Wow.

GET TURNED OFF.

Wine

He either knows and there's a possibility of a relationship but he's taking it slow, knows but doesn't really care what it's doing to you, or is too self absorbed to even think of your feelings. Maybe this is why he's now divorced.
I agree that you need something and someone to bolster you up. See it as the start of your reawakening. Make it less about him and more about you Work on yourself and your needs. Think about dating.

JangolinaPitt · 15/10/2022 09:28

Age thing is irrelevant. I am with a man who is 7 years younger and it has never been even mentioned. People tend to think we are the same age -a 3 year age difference is nothing!!
like you I came out of a sexless marriage and genuinely thought I would never have it want sex again until I met a lovely man, purely by chance c as a I was not looking who revived me entirely and from going to thinking I was plain am e getting compliments all the time and lots of male attention -it is all a confidence thing. If you find other things you are genuinely interested in and there yourself into them you will gain a glow and distraction from him and I bet he then wakes up and pursues you.

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