Teen daughter is a nightmare

[Adventurine]

As I write this, she's stomping down the stairs, roughly a month worth of laundry in her arms, scowling her head off.

She was told she has to sort out her absolute pit of a room. They (she and her brother) said they weren't babies, didn't need telling, etc, wanted to decide for themselves when to tidy "OUR spaces." Oh, ok. Right. So we compromised and they were given the option of choosing to listen to our prompts to do a quick tidy of their rooms on a Friday, bringing their laundry down and just staying on top of it all, or they would have to sort out the chaos they created on the last weekend of the month and we would revert back to them being told when their rooms were to be tidied. Guess what DD chose?

Her room is the worst I've ever seen it, and DD is a very messy teen anyway. So, today came. She chose to do none of it yesterday, meaning she has to do it all today. Jesus bloody christ. You would think she was being asked to remove her own kidney. She started sending me abusive texts about how I never listen to what she wants etc. So I took her phone and said she could tidy it up without the texting. Then she spent an hour screaming about her friends and they have plans etc. i told her I would tell her friends she was not coming out until her room was sorted out. Screaming, crying, kicking the door and what sounds like flinging everything off her shelves in a rage. Then raging at her brother because he chose to do the ten minutes on a Friday (he's generally tidier anyway), calling him terrible names, demanding he help her because he doesn't have any tidying to do. He went out to play football and she lost her damn mind screaming out of the window at him that she would never forget his refusal to help her.

On and on and on it went, raging at the top of her voice about what nasty parents she has, how she can't wait to turn 16 and move out.

How long are they absolute beasts for?

We were pretty strict from the off. Cannot bear Verruca salt whiny rude kids so did not put up with that. We are now “lucky” apparently that our teens are polite and half decent to us…

I have 1 teen 1 preteen and a 9 year old. I do have a good relationship with them which I think is very important to have. I don't consider myself strict, but since they are small:

• No food is allowed in their rooms, only water. No shoes allowed either.
• They have to tidy up their room in daily basis. By this it means straightening duvet and placing pj's under pillow. This last thing not always achieved but is WIP.
• Real horrors like clothes on the floor are strictly banned. One is naturally messy and if this happens, has an immediate effect and corrective action follows.
• If any friend calls in or they have any plan, I do a quick check up, and remind them needs to be tidy otherwise they cannot go out. (If busy while WFH they need to wait for this check) All their friends wait patiently at the door and think I'm strict.

Clothes need to be tidied and in the wardrobe/ drawers- I haven't achieved any "neat" folding by any of them, I am going to try putting the Marie Kondo video ArcheryAnnie suggested. That's a brilliant idea.

I would take the phone for at least a week. I would actually remove the bedroom door if she wants to bang it. I would send her friends straight up to her room when they come over.

Two rules were set...
If it's not in the laundry bin it's not getting washed....
Made this easier by supplying a laundry bin for her room as dirty and clean clothes were getting mixed up on her floordrobe.

No dishes to be taken into the bedroom.

I gave up doing any form of anything in my DD room as it was a battle that wasn't worth fighting.
It eventually worked as DD could only stand sleeping so many months in bedding that practically walked it's way to the laundry basket on it's own

Close the door and show her how to use the washing machine. I know it's hard but I suspect that she will only tidy when the mess or laundry causes her a problem.

our son was pretty neat, our daughter is a mess (I think she maybe gets it from me, I was similar until properly trained). We do the laundry baskets but it still gets ignored and she 'manages' with a reduced wardrobe as long as possible with 'that look'.

next step might be to give her a slot in the washing machine calendar to do her own bloody laundry to help get her a little more independent. Currently a year off before uni so good time to learn a bit more independence (and consequences of not tidying up after yourself)

Horrified by Biddypop's post. There's no way I'd put up with my DDs swearing at me or talking to me like shit and then still run round obeying their commands!

My DD1 is 17 nearly 18 and DD2 is 16. My DH died in 2019, for full disclosure, so that has shaped us, losing him, and they both had bereavement counselling, but we are very much a team. I treat them with respect and they treat me with respect, mostly. Yes, they do stupid things at times (DD2 does anyway!!) but they wouldn't dream of swearing at me and then demanding favours in the same breath!

My main worry at the moment is ensuring that they never feel they have to limit what they do in order to prevent me from being sad and lonely when they've both spread their wings.

But basic courtesy is non-negotiable. And lots of things were put in place much earlier (I'm a teacher too which did help with enforcing basic standards!) E.g. they were pretty young when we started "if the clothes are put in the laundry basket, they'll get washed, but if they're not, they won't." Think DD1 was about 14 when she started saying, "the basket's full, do you want me to put a wash on?" We argue sometimes, we get exasperated with each other but we would never swear at each other or be cruel.

DD1 is pretty tidy, DD2 is like my sister was as a teen, untidy room but lots of amazing creative art stuff everywhere. I try to respect their privacy and ask before going in their rooms, mostly because my own "D"M had no respect for my privacy as a teen and used to rummage through my stuff, read my diary, laugh at any private writing she found, destroyed my self-confidence etc, and I have tried very hard to be a better parent than she was!! Also I want them to have enough life skills to cope later - I was dumped off at uni at 18 hundreds of miles from home with no idea how to plan and cook meals, use a laundrette, budget my grant, etc - it was a steep learning curve!

This started with my two dd's whilst sharing a room. I gave up and stated they could get it done to a minimal level or I could

1. Go in with a bin liner (the younger one wailed at this, older one said go on then....🤬)

Or

1. I'd post a pic on social media (vice versa 🤣)

I ended up doing both. It's only ever gotten that bad a couple of times since. Older dd is now in uni halls and the younger one is now ds, but just as bloody messy. Their room gives me nightmares, but I shut the door on it. They're otherwise helpful around the house, they work and go to college too as well as being chronically ill, so if I have permission to go in, I'll change bed sheets and pick up towels, but their scuddies are their own. Get them to the basket or they don't get washed.

It will get easier OP. Hang in there 🌻

I honestly dont know how people allow this to happen. We were strict like PP have said regarding clearing up if you have made yourself a sandwich, tidying room etc. That is not for us a nice to have...

I went to stay with my SIL a few months ago and her 14 year old was truly shocking. SIL made her eggs and she just left everything as it was when she finished. I asked her to scrap her plate and put in the dishwasher and wipe down the mess she had made. SIL chips in that she doesnt normally expect her to do that and she wouldnt know how anyway! Clearing up after yourself doesnt need a huge brain.

Sorry - but I think parents with spoilt brats need to decide who is the parent and not enable this sort of behaviour.

Both can simultaneously be true as mother and daughter are coming at this from a completely different perspective.

My 14 yo dd is naturally tidy. But life is no walk in the park. Everything is new and boundaries between parent and child are constantly evolving, which will os bound to cause misunderstandings and disagreements. It is hard sometimes to find a balance as a parent.

I absolutely love this!
I've raised 3 teens - a boy and 2 girls - one girl and our son were desperately untidy but not dirty. I just soldiered on as this wasn't my hill to die on.
However, if any of my children had yelled at me, THERE WOULD HAVE BEEN CONSEQUENCES! And they knew it...I was fairly strict when they were younger (No. Not abusive) as in "I tell you once. I tell you twice. The third time you WILL have a smack. It hardly ever got to number 3. And if any of them had kicked a door, I'd have removed the door and stuck it in the garage. Teaching your children respect is part of parenting!

That made me laugh so much. Especially when the next line talks about staining the carpet! Thanks for that!

I'm not sure threatening violence is teaching your children respect tbh.
Though I'm probably in a minority. What happened when it did get to no 3?

Can you tell me the source of your ADHD diagram. Really fascinating!

I know we've made some mistakes in our household. But we are also managing an ADHD/ASD teen on our own - healthcare and social system have been almost useless, our families live a couple of hours away and we both work FT. And Dd is also a very high performance sportsperson - having represented the country in 1 sport a few times in the past, she is on the inter-provincial squad and will do national trials again soon for another team sport. So the taxi service and significant need for food (as she trains really hard for hours at a time every single day) are real and must be facilitated.

But I find it very hard to deal with at times I admit. And it's not me being a wimp. As I have to tread a balance between raising her to be respectful generally (and she's pretty good outside the house), and making sure she doesn't go back to being suicidal and cutting as she was last year.

So yes, hand my arse to me about my failures, but it is what it is and I was having a particularly bad morning.

I’ve never understood kids doing their own laundry from a young age. How does that work? I’ve 3 teenagers. If they all did their own laundry I’d never get a look in
to do my own?!

Mine generally left it to the night before they wanted something the following day, always a desperate last minute short cycle so it never interfered with what I had to do. That’s also why I did their uniforms for school still. They’re better now but they’re away studying at uni so my machine is currently all mine.

@OldieButBaddie
Not exactly violence! One light smack on a fully clothed bottom... Because it so rarely got to 3, it meant something! So got to 3 a few times. Daughters saw it would happen so hardly ever got to 2!

Sorry. *Son

Found them online they came from here originally:

instagram.com/dyslexia.testing?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

www.dyslexia-test.com.au/#

There are other ones too - autism, dyslexia, speech and language impairment, dyspraxia, dyscalculia and written expression.

My teen girls are lovely and have a lot of respect for me so it isn’t all of them

Easy..don't wash clothes if room messy (apart from uniform) and clothes are on floor
They need something? Tell them you won't spend money on it as it ends up on floor.
Want a lift to friends/party? Yes when you tidy up mess you left in kitchen. Put feet up and relax until kitchen is tidy.
Dont need to fall out much. Just don't do anything that benefits them

I would advise choose your battles... my DD is very messy and I used to get cross and we would have constant battles about her room.

Until my DH said close the door, it's her room, her mess let her deal with it.

It worked.

Absolutely agree - that was my policy. And I also agree with the person upthread who said her teen DDs were lovely - mine too. This does not mean they were perfect, nor that there were not moments of worry as is to be expected during the teenage years, but they were delightful young people and a joy to be with.

I tell mine it needs doing by X day and if not I use a bin bag