Teen daughter is a nightmare

[Adventurine]

As I write this, she's stomping down the stairs, roughly a month worth of laundry in her arms, scowling her head off.

She was told she has to sort out her absolute pit of a room. They (she and her brother) said they weren't babies, didn't need telling, etc, wanted to decide for themselves when to tidy "OUR spaces." Oh, ok. Right. So we compromised and they were given the option of choosing to listen to our prompts to do a quick tidy of their rooms on a Friday, bringing their laundry down and just staying on top of it all, or they would have to sort out the chaos they created on the last weekend of the month and we would revert back to them being told when their rooms were to be tidied. Guess what DD chose?

Her room is the worst I've ever seen it, and DD is a very messy teen anyway. So, today came. She chose to do none of it yesterday, meaning she has to do it all today. Jesus bloody christ. You would think she was being asked to remove her own kidney. She started sending me abusive texts about how I never listen to what she wants etc. So I took her phone and said she could tidy it up without the texting. Then she spent an hour screaming about her friends and they have plans etc. i told her I would tell her friends she was not coming out until her room was sorted out. Screaming, crying, kicking the door and what sounds like flinging everything off her shelves in a rage. Then raging at her brother because he chose to do the ten minutes on a Friday (he's generally tidier anyway), calling him terrible names, demanding he help her because he doesn't have any tidying to do. He went out to play football and she lost her damn mind screaming out of the window at him that she would never forget his refusal to help her.

On and on and on it went, raging at the top of her voice about what nasty parents she has, how she can't wait to turn 16 and move out.

How long are they absolute beasts for?

I've raised three teens, two girls and a boy. They were all completely different. Not just in tidiness, but also in how they responded to requests and rules. It is impossible to generalise, all you can do is figure out which of the unwanted behaviours bother you the most and focus on those, by whatever method works for your child. Otherwise you may find you are just relentlessly nagging and you could end up both hating the sound of your voice! Couple of points that helped me; make sure they have enough storage to put their stuff away and access it easily, because they are not going to make an effort if it's a bit tricky or doesn't fit everything properly. Definitely (as previously mentioned) no food upstairs, meaning you can shut the door on it if you choose to, however dirty clothes and bedding will eventually smell, so that may become something you prioritise. For anyone noticing a smell even after washing clothes and bedding, don't overlook a computer chair if they have one, particularly after a hot summer it might get a bit whiffy!

In the past 36 hours, I've left a family gathering and done taxi duty for her (missing my DNiece/Godchild 4th birthday party and rising early post family dinner to get back), bought over €200 worth of food as there's nothing int he fridge for her, been squared up to (she's slightly taller but significantly stronger than me), been told to go to bed in my own house, been raged at because the kitchen isn't sparkling so she couldn't cook at 10pm at night, been sworn at for turning up on time but the wrong part of school (I thought she had training so was at the pitch), been sworn at again, and again, had anger because my personal day from hell at work yesterday (pre budget madness) meant I didn't get a lunch break so couldn't collect her glasses, but when I did collect them this morning was sworn at that she doesn't need them today so don't bring them to school.

She's almost 17. I thought it was improving. Dh is away for 3 nights so that brought it on. I am contemplating buying a separate house.

Oh, I remember this issue... It was a nightmare until I had an epiphany and declared her room to be a sovereign nation, so nothing to do with me. If clothes and bedding were put in the laundry basket they were washed, ironed and left outside her bedroom door. You may well have heard the wails when she ran out of clean black tights to wear to school (my fault apparently, as she only had 11 pairs if I remember correctly). She wore... socks. The shame.

DD1 was a horror. Mouldy food on plates under the bed, mugs full of half drunk tea. Clothes everywhere. Didn't change her bed for weeks on end and most of the time topped with soaking wet towels. You could smell it downstairs if she ever left her door open.

She's now got her own home and own kids. Who are starting to behave in exactly the same way. Karma. And I take great pleasure in leaving my mug out whenever I visit.

You'll survive OP.

Stop being such a bloody doormat. Honestly.

I get accused if not understanding her self declared " issues" which dont prevent her from going out with friends but putting washing away is too much apparently 🙄

I see more and more of this online including Go Fund Me accounts for ‘abusive housing situations’ which turn out to be young adults and who have fallen out with their housemates or parents because they don’t tidy or clean anything 😂

I tend to ignore rooms - unless there's a reason not to - like workman needing access then I expect them to tidy.

I did have a rule no food or drink in room - but covid destroyed that one and TBH they aren't so feral food is going mouldy in their rooms - they bring plates and cup down before that point. Plus we have two cats so mice/rats cockroaches aren't an issue.

So I can shrug and let them sort it - tends to be eldest does it on her timetable and younger two respond to prompts caused by some issue - either meaning someone needs access or we considering clothes or furniture update.

Washing- it is in basket - if it's needed sooner or been missing a while they can flag it up to me - anything else they know how to use washing machine and driers - been shown and occasionally do it off their own bat.

We don't drive - so can't do taxi but will help with transport working out logistic - bus/train check they have lift sorted occasional taxi - and depending on what it is money.

Do pull them up on how they talk to us - boundaries have been in place since childhood and they know when they cross them.

They may not be a tidy as ideal but it's not the huge issue many here seem to have.

This! I was a dreadful teen and am MORTIFIED about it now. I still apologise to my parents - they raised me right but I was pretty entitled and selfish. They were tearing their hair out!
For what it’s worth, I think I am now a pleasant/decent human being! You’ll get through it. Just try to maintain your composure and keep to your ground rules - easier said than done.

DD2 (17) has just texted an asked me to remind her to do something (which I've been asking her to do for a few days) when she gets in. So much misplaced faith in my peri-menopausal memory.

Rosehugger I'm asked to do this by kids and DH - they get re-directed to Alexa to set reminders and our many calendar's.

They also have wall planners for academic year - and get told to put things on there and on their own phones.

It is a work in progress with kids - even 17 year old but we are getting there and does seem to have got through to DH.

This is Alexa main use - that and adding stuff to shopping list.

Why do you care so much about her room, you don't have to go in to it.

I've also update oldest two to pocket calendar note books - which surprisingly do seem to be getting used.

I saw this possible solution the other day...can't remember where, may have been on mumsnet. Scatter some black rice in her room. When she finds it say it is mouse droppings as mice are attracted to the mess. Apparently worked a treat at getting them the clean up.

@pinkysmum I saw this possible solution the other day...can't remember where, may have been on mumsnet. Scatter some black rice in her room. When she finds it say it is mouse droppings as mice are attracted to the mess. Apparently worked a treat at getting them the clean up.

😂😂

Personally I’d say clothes on the floor or the bed are on thing but dirty plates and crockery which might attract pests are quite another! Also, talking back to you, swearing and lack of thanks for lifts, going above and beyond etc should be countered with future lack of assistance or punishment such as fines or withdrawal of treats.

My DB was like this as a teenager, but has no recollection now of what an utter nightmare he was to live with as an adolescent.

I remember my mum removing TV and devices from his room and throwing the whole lot in the bin one day she just couldn’t stand his furious tempers and non-cooperation a minute longer. (She did fish them out later, but DB didn’t get any of the stuff back until the following week.) not sure that even works today what with Find my Phone the fact it’s virtually a Human Rights abuse to not let teenagers have internet access.

My dad used to mildly say, “no rights without responsibilities. And if you take no responsibility you have no rights.”

hold firm OP, let the ranting and raging flow over you as much as you can. You’ve got this.

Ds1 and ds3 share a room, so i do insist that they (at the very least) pick up their dirty clothing off the floor at the weekend (they've been known to come to blows about it, so intervention does help in this case...), but otherwise we mostly leave them to it. Ds2 is tidier on the whole, but leaves his bed sheets until they pretty much get up and walk themselves out 🤢
Definitely pick your battles, OP!

3 DDs, 3 lots of teenage years.

Room tidying - I did none of it - none at all. I told them it was their space and if they wanted to live in a tip then so be it. I was happy to wash any clothes that they put in the laundry basket but otherwise it was down to them.

One DD was very tidy; one lived in a pit; one was relatively tidy but put her own stamp on the room in a big way - friends were allowed to write on her tatty old white melamine wardrobe (I had sanctioned this) - fuck the queen was one of the gems! And some brilliant murals were painted on the walls and ceiling.

They are all adults with their own homes now and generally they are tidy and clean.

I knew that the teenage years could potentially be a battle ground so I took steps to minimise conflict - seeing them growing up and developing their own personalities was wonderful and I did not want to spoil it with battles.

This is the best idea, ever. I'm going to put it into practice!

With mine the rule was if you keep the door shut and I can't see it then you can live with it. Leave the door open and I see it and you get it sorted. They varied from one with a very tidy room through to the one who lived in a real pit. They are all adults with their own houses now and they are all clean and tidy.

Messy yes. Rude to my face? Hell no. Found Biddypop post hard to read. Our teens have never spoken to us rudely and neither did Dh and I to either of our parents when we were teens. Were you super lenient lovey dovey when they were young? Friends who were like that with their kids have teens that talk to them like shit and they take it. It’s hard to watch. I wouldn’t be sitting here now if I’d spoken to my parents like that.

I think that too sometimes. Ds(18) room can be dusty, but it is generally clear and tidy. I think it is my outstanding parenting skills that taught him the benefits of tidying as you go along, using a laundry basket/bin and how to be respectful from a young age. He even empties the dishwasher, does his own laundry (including bedsheets every few weeks 🤢), makes his own dinner at times with no complaints.

Then and give my head a wobble and thank fuck I got given an easy teen (so far)!

GS lives with me, I don't nag about his bedroom but I wouldn't be putting up with what you are getting. Last night I asked him to do something, I've been asking for 3 days, he said he'd do it when he was ready. He asked me for a snack out of the snack cupboard and I said he could have something when he'd done what I asked him to. He huffed and puffed a bit but then came in and said "I've done it granny, can I have the snack now?" Of course the answer was yes.

I'm afraid your DD wouldn't be getting any lifts from me unless her attitude changed.

I’d take the door off if mine kicked it. DD lost hers for 48hrs for slamming it after I’d warned her not to do it.
From 14 they started doing their laundry, I did their uniforms until VI form.