Teen daughter is a nightmare

[Adventurine]

As I write this, she's stomping down the stairs, roughly a month worth of laundry in her arms, scowling her head off.

She was told she has to sort out her absolute pit of a room. They (she and her brother) said they weren't babies, didn't need telling, etc, wanted to decide for themselves when to tidy "OUR spaces." Oh, ok. Right. So we compromised and they were given the option of choosing to listen to our prompts to do a quick tidy of their rooms on a Friday, bringing their laundry down and just staying on top of it all, or they would have to sort out the chaos they created on the last weekend of the month and we would revert back to them being told when their rooms were to be tidied. Guess what DD chose?

Her room is the worst I've ever seen it, and DD is a very messy teen anyway. So, today came. She chose to do none of it yesterday, meaning she has to do it all today. Jesus bloody christ. You would think she was being asked to remove her own kidney. She started sending me abusive texts about how I never listen to what she wants etc. So I took her phone and said she could tidy it up without the texting. Then she spent an hour screaming about her friends and they have plans etc. i told her I would tell her friends she was not coming out until her room was sorted out. Screaming, crying, kicking the door and what sounds like flinging everything off her shelves in a rage. Then raging at her brother because he chose to do the ten minutes on a Friday (he's generally tidier anyway), calling him terrible names, demanding he help her because he doesn't have any tidying to do. He went out to play football and she lost her damn mind screaming out of the window at him that she would never forget his refusal to help her.

On and on and on it went, raging at the top of her voice about what nasty parents she has, how she can't wait to turn 16 and move out.

How long are they absolute beasts for?

I never allow food either. I’ve never shat anywhere near their door though.

I try to remind myself on a daily basis that she hasn't killed or injured anyone, it is just mess, lots of mess and that is what doors are for, and close the door very quietly.

Gosh I'm surprised at how many people are ok to be bullied and abused by their teens. If roles were reversed you'd have social services called on you. She's old enough to know her behaviour is out of order.

If you go into ds’s bedroom it smells of “boy” anyway. No smell really apart from his own odour which is still there after he has showered

I do think it's really hard for teens as they have so many different types of things in one room. As adults we spread ours much more around the house so we have a place for everything. I do think the kicking off is because it feels overwhelming and they don't know where to start. They have too much stuff and don't have space to store it.

Although you did not ask for advice, I would say relax as much as you can and let her live. Let her sort out her own laundry, just agree on the time of washing if there are any physical constraints related to the laundry of the rest of the family.

When I saw the title ‘my teenage daughter is a nightmare’ I assumed drugs, sleeping with older boys, bunking off, social services involved etc etc.

I hate to say it, but I think this is normal teenage girl stuff. Sorry, don’t have any advice as such.

My DDs friends were like angels in my home - their parents told a different story!
But well done you for having perfect children… maybe they just don't feel like they can express their real emotions around you?

My DS's room was appalling. I used to take days sorting it out. Clothes, water glasses, crockery, silverware, clothes. All in the dark.

I got so cross when I couldnt find two mugs to offer a drink to a friend because they were all in his room. Or have sufficient crockery to serve a meal. I used to have to go nuclear for him to do anything.

He could never find anything and would get so cross. But of course he couldnt.

He acted as if it was corporal punishment having to do the dishes.

Oh god I have two toddlers and am so scared for the future 😬

Like others here I've taken the view, mostly, that if she chooses to live in a pile of crap and dirty clothes that's her outlook. But the kind of rude behaviour and shouting etc that OP is describing would not be tolerated here.

Try natural consquences like not washing clothes not put in basket etc. If this doesn't work Try when/then. E.g. when your room is tidy then you get your allowance. Arguing is pointless keep calm don't get into a discussion about what is needed after the initial request. Also try and spend quality time with DD when she is being reasonable.Good luck!

I don't really have any advice as mine aren't teens (yet) but I would like to say that I was a complete slob as a teen, my bedroom was disgusting, my mum would end up doing it... never done any laundry or knew how to do it.

I moved out at 19, and my mum told me I'd never hack keeping a house clean or doing laundry but I proved her wrong and I've always been pretty house proud and actually really good at laundry.

my point being it really is just a phase and is not an indicator of her future 😅

I think it can also be a girl thing. I have an 11 year old boy and he likes a tidy room but my Dd 7 is so messy 😅

I would have used her phone to video that performance and threaten to drop in in a WhatsApp group !!
….. I generally find that reins in that sort of behaviour quite quickly !!

if she doesn’t want her friends to know that’s the state of her bedroom or her behaviour, then she shouldn’t behave like it !!
she can judge her own actions whilst you sit smug with the threat.

I would send the video to myself for back up and future discussions.

This.

I only wash what is in the laundry basket. If you don't put it in, it won't get washed. Simple.

And if your room is a pit, it will attract creepy crawlies which you'll have to deal with yourself because I'm not hunting around for the huge house spider amongst your crap.

They (she and her brother) said they weren't babies, didn't need telling, etc, wanted to decide for themselves when to tidy "OUR spaces."
So let them do that and do their own laundry when they choose to. If that means their clothes are dirty it's on them. Just keep their bedroom doors shut and move on. You need to pick your battles with teens why cause an issue unnecessarily?

That’s brilliant🙂. I’ve always thought that they need to be taught to be clean and tidy because it doesn’t always come naturally and it’s good to get them into good habits. My youngest is very much like yours with the instructions and I’m planning on doing him a Flylady style checklist if I can ever get my printer to work. I’m an obsessive Marie Kondo type though!

my eldest son lives with his dad and generally has thirty empty coke cans in his room and stains all over the carpet and I even noticed some food splashed on the walls last time I was allowed in. No way I could live with that!

How tempting is it to put a mug down without a coaster 😃

Teenagers are grown up toddlers.

Much sympathy OP.

My DD2, a very messy teenager and champion door slammer, is now very house proud, she's 27.

My youngest dd is naturally tidy. If I dump it on the bench in her room it will get put away. She likes an organised space. If she cooks she cleans up.

Eldest ds was an absolute nightmare. It was like he had mess blindness and drove me nuts. Then he’d get frustrated, in reality it was at his own mess but good old mum made a much better scapegoat. But I’d stick to my guns for tidy and then despair when it was fucked four days later. By chance when he was turning 18 I came across an article about how consistently messy people aren’t necessarily messy but spatially unaware. So a drawer is bloody useless but a big box on a desk for desk stuff means they will put stuff in the box. Redid his entire room (he contributed) with Kallax. And put more sectional shelves in his wardrobe. EVERYTHING has a box. His room has never been messy again. Now all he has to do to it is vacuum it and dust once a week. It’s flipped a switch in his brain as well, as now dirty dishes go in the cleaning box ….aka dishwasher, dirty clothes in the washing box and so on. I was STUNNED it worked and wished I’d come across it earlier.

To be fair, the problem was solved when I moved out and eventually bought my own house and I can now as untidily as I want :)

Yes. As do the vermin that it attracts. I told mine that if they want to live in filth then they need to get their own place. General untidiness fine, but dirty clothes go in their hampers and dishes come down and once a month they clean it.

Yes, difficult time. I still tidy DD2's room (13) as she easily gets overwhelmed and has trouble organising herself at the best of times.

DD1 (17) I don't go in there generally but staged a room intervention at one point as the clothes situation had got rather out of hand (she buys a lot from charity shops but I hadn't realised how much). That didn't go down too badly and it hasn't been as bad since. I was even able to hoover at the weekend.

With laundry occasionally they will do their own but I usually have to make sure it gets done regularly and that means doing it myself. I don't mind that so much as DD1 in patricularly is pretty busy enough with a-level studies and part time job.

But yes, how much you get involved is a moveable feast and I often get it wrong - too much or too little. You just have to try not to take things personally and understand that their brains are wired oddly for a few years, though I do clamp down if they are out of order, I do also pick my battles!

It wasn't until my final year of university that I realised I needed to be more tidy and organised in my room to be able to do my work properly.

So many people on this thread have no clue.

Teen girls may seem difficult, but to them mums are unreasonable and annoying.

It's a difficult time when you're a teen and you're expected to behave like an adult but not have the liberties of being an adult.

Pick your battles OP. Her room is her private space, leave it be.

You don't need to nag all the time and make rules about everything, just let her be and you'll find that life will be a lot easier for both of you.