I didn't think I looked that rough!

[Magenta82]

A woman in the supermarket was chatting to my 11 month old DD and said "are you out shopping with granny?"

I was so stunned I couldn't say a word.

I am an older mum at 40 and she hasn't slept through in the last week but I didn't think I looked that rough!

If you aren’t a grandma, and people assume you are, it’s a bit of a shock.

People are being a bit silly on this thread!

Do people not know how averages work?

if you have a sample of parents who birthed age:
16 x1
17 x3
18 x1
19 x2
20 x3
21 x2
22 x1
23 x1
25 x1
28 x1
29 x2
30 x1
31 x2
33 x2
34 x3
36 x1
37 x1
38 x1
39 x1
40 x2
41 x1

Then the AVERAGE is 28.5 but it reflect sweet fuck all of the actual numbers and age range in the sample - the average age being 28 does NOT mean the majority of people have children AT 28.

I know exactly 2 people who had kids at 28 and 1 of them was me and I already had older kids (you also have to account for that, if someone has a kid at 18 and then aother kid later at 39 those numbers average at 28.5 again).

Same with wedding cost averages the few big numbers hit harder and skew the lower numbers which are actually more common.

People are confusing the mean (which is the average from adding and dividing) and the median (29 the number occuring smack bang in the middle of common range of 16-43) with the mode (which is the most common occuring result) they are two different things the mode (the real result) is almost always far lower than the average.

While I can see how that comment would feel like a slap in the face OP, I agree with a PP that it most likely reflects the background of the person that said it.

My friendship group have all had our first babies in mid 30's to early 40's, but I know plenty of people who are from areas/social circles where having babies in your early 20's or late teens is what everyone does.

So I can hardly imagine being a granny in my 30's, but some people can't imagine being a first time mum in their 40's!

If you're 40 but knackered from looking after a baby then it's not unreasonable that some days you might look 10 years older. Therefore a 50 year old with a baby would probably mean people assume it is granny with grandchild.

the current average age for a first time mum is 28.9 years old in 1993 the average age was 25.8 so the average age for a first time grandmother right now would be mid 50s.

This is one of those situations where the “average” (the arithmetic mean) is meaningless. Actually relatively few women have babies at 29; it tends to bifurcate so you now get some socioeconomic groups where mothers are very young (early 20s) and others where mothers are much older (even up to early 40s). If you’re from the latter and she’s from the former, then it’s a genuinely easy mistake to make.

Ouch!!! That was unnecessary

As I said it’s not common in my area for people to be grandparents at the age of 40. I didn’t say it was impossible

You may know someone but it isn't typical. It is way more typical that a 40 year old is the mother of a small child than the grandmother. She would have given birth late 30s therefore pregnant at what, 38? That really is not typical so it would feel peculiar for someone have made that assumption.

Wtaf

Nope, those of you going on about “how averages work” are wrong. In 2020 the most children were born to women aged 30-34. So it’s not to do with any sort of averaging of ages. The most live births were recorded for that age group. Hope that helps!
www.statista.com/statistics/726673/live-births-in-england-and-wales-by-age-of-mother/

I think this passive aggressive "who have we here then, grandma?" happens to mothers of babies not children.

I'm 52 and my son is 16. So if id had a baby had 18 who'd had a baby at 18, I could be his grandma, but unsurprisingly, not one single soul ever made that assumption.

@Gensola same in Ireland, far more births to mothers aged 40 to 45 than to mothers aged 15-20. It was significant.

In the last 20 years births to teenagers have halved and births to women 40 to 45 have almost doubled.

Am I allowed to say that teenage pregnancies were a huge problem in Ireland 20 years ago, I mean economically, in terms of what the mothers went through. Reduced opportunities etc

Most women have children in their 30s now and that's a fact. Of course some have them younger, but that's not the norm. Harsh as it sounds, women from lower socioeconomic groups tend to have their kids at a younger age so the woman's comment may have more to do with her background than how you look

I am going to be cynical and say that some of the "who have we here, grandma!?" style comments are passively nasty.
Like "did you think you looked young for your age, let me be the one to disabuse you of that belief"
Or
"Think you had your child at the right time, no, you did not, you're the abnormal one, not me"

To me 40 year olds look so young! Well, unless they"ve had a very hard life. Somebody who worksvan office job, gets two lie ins a week, uses decent moisturisers and eats avocados doesn't look like a granny at Forty. Please.

Are you grandma type comments are a put down from an insecure person who had a baby at 19. Id bet my clinique exfoliator on it. Joke. 90% joking

I always err on the side of caution and wait until they say if they're mum or gran!

UtterlyUnimaginativeUsername · Yesterday 17:55

I'm 42 and have had two x-rays recently. No-one checked if there was a chance I might be pregnant, either time.

Also very surprised at that, especially when they've got your dob in front of them. I still get asked in my 50s.

Who in real life asks "are you out shopping with granny?" .....

@UtterlyUnimaginativeUsername also very surprised at this. I work in radiology. It's a illegal requirement to ask any female patient below 55. The radiographer can loose their registration if they didn't ask and it later transpired you were pregnant!

I think it was almost certainly a genuine mistake by the person who said that comment to the OP, especially if that person was of an older generation.

It used to be the norm for people to marry and start a family in their early 20s. Gradually, that has changed over the last 50 years or so, due in no small part to the raising of the status of women in our society in general.

The late Queen, for example, married at 21 and had her first child in 1948, at the age of 22. I had my first child about 30 years later, also at the age of 22. By that time, 22 was by no means unusual but nonetheless I was the youngest in my NCT class: the eldest was 32 (I remember because it was noted that there was a 10 year difference between oldest and youngest). We were all first time mums. Notably, two of the over-30s had been ttc for several years; all of us were married and all had married in early or mid 20s.

I do find the demographic changes in society quite fascinating.

I always err on the side of caution and assume mother rather than grandmother if unsure. It can offend if you're wrong.

I have never come across a grandma ij their 40’s. In my circle it’s more likely people are having their last baby at 38/39 and had their first in their mid 30’s. And some still having babies up to about 43

so no, it would be almost unheard of to have grandparents in their 40’s. Earliest I would say would be mid 50’s. My eldest is 20, I would be astounded if he had kids in the next 10 years so I would be 58 and I am a young mum in that I had him still in my 20’s

I was asked by a radiographer if I could be pregnant a few months ago. I'm in my 60s (and look my age)!

Wouldn't the queen have been in her 50s when she first became a grandmother

I have been taken for my DDs grandma when I was 40.
DD was about 4 or 5 at the time! Anyway, I definitely think its more a reflection of the area I live in than of my appearance....that's how I'm choosing to take it anyway!!

Awwww. You’re lovely. I’ve also recently been mistaken for a grandma. This makes me feel better (even if I don’t completely believe it was true in my case). 💐