Can family just turn up at your house?

[notonur]

My Nan feels that it's odd my MIL pre arranges visits, and you can't just 'pop by' . My single SIL is the same. You need to say in advanced if you're coming up, needs to be agreed to etc. I am not really like that but H is, and I do see the benefit in it. So our house is like that too

My mum's house isn't - you can just pop by anytime. No need to ' make an appointment' or really say in advanced. I always call though just to make sure she's home. I have siblings 15 years my junior so she has children herself at home still, plus my dad

My nan thinks it's uptight and wrong not to just let people round, welcome anytime

What's your take? Is your house an open house?

Despite not being like it myself, I know who's houses are the most homely feeling and welcoming - my family

I think it’s so rude to turn up to someone’s house unannounced. Even if I have no plans for that day and have planned to relax, I wouldn’t open the door to anyone.

Saying that, not one person I know would just come to my door. They wouldn’t even call on the same day and ask if they can come round

We all just walk into each others houses whenever 😳 didn't realise others didn't do this haha I am just learning this today!! 😂

We are talking this is a family wide thing, siblings, cousins, nephews/niece's aunties, nan's, mother's houses. I mean we also don't lock our back doors when we are in the house so nobody needs to knock, just walk in through the back door.

Sometimes just the teenagers come for food to all our houses 😂 We feed them/give them a drink/a can of coke and they will just text their mothers to say "I've had tea/dinner at aunty CaptainBarbosa's house" They play with their younger cousin whilst they are here, chat to us about things they might not want to talk to their parents about. (But the adults tell eachother anyway what they talked about and what advice was given and for their mum to know it's ok) They always know there is an adults house they can get to and walk in to in an emergency also, and we are dotted all around the city as a family so a "safe house is never far". I live not far from the comprehensive school some of them go to so 3:30 I get the odd one that drops in and says hi I missed the bus aunty can I wait here till the next one. More the ones in year 7 and 8 by the time they are 14/15 they go off with their friends if they miss the bus 😂 I work from home so they always know I'm here especially after the school run time.

I call in more on my elderly relatives, pop in make sure they are ok, have a chat, make them a cuppa sorta thing if I'm in the area. Ask if they need anything from the shop. And now some of the older teenagers 17/18/19 are starting to do this, call in on their elderly relatives which is nice.

We are a big family so great great grandmother's was one of 13 and all the descendants live in the city still. We all know how we are related to eachother. But everyone is just a cousin/aunty/uncle we don't do great aunty or 3rd cousin it's too confusing. 😳

I mean don't get me wrong it's not a daily thing, but you'll visit a family member have a family member call in about once a week on average.

I would assume if young teenagers are in and out you all live quite close.

It’s over half an hour to my dads. Complete waste of time if I get there (or he gets to mine) and we aren’t available. I could be on a 2 hour meeting.

Growing up, my aunts and grandparents lived on the same street and we lived on the next one. So we were like that.

Unfortunately, all my cousins couldn’t afford a decent family home in that area so we have all slowly lived further out. These things would impact how an extended family functions.

I can't see how the "pop by anytime" thing works when people are working - surely they'll either be out at work or else at home and working, so unavailable.

I guess it could work where you have people who don't have external commitments, such as retired/ older people who will more likely be at home.

For my household, the expectation is that people must pre arrange if they want to visit, as either DH or I would likely be away / busy / working and probably not available for a random drop in.

None of my family live within an hour’s drive of me, and most are several hours away, so it makes sense to preplan. Similarly, most of my friends live quite a distance away. But for the few who live within 10 mins or so, they’re welcome to call unannounced, however most send a quick text checking I’m home before they call.

A sister of mine keeps asking for a key to my house ‘for emergencies’ but I will never agree to that. And I would hate people actually letting themselves in to my home.

Yes we are all still very close to eachother, were talking a 10mile radius. And if someone tries the backdoor it's locked and nobody is in, so you just leave. As it's not really a wasted journey as such.

Travel definitely impacts the ability to do this I agree!

My house is known as the "kiss and cry kitchen table" they all, teenagers and young adults come to my house for advice. But then I'm a community support worker/councillor so it makes sense.

I'm the family benefits advisor, housing advisor, family therapy, advice giver crisis solver. 😂

We won't through a spate of one of the girls (age 15) running away from home for a bit, but she'd always end up at mine in the midnight hours, I'd phone her mum (my aunty technically, but we call eachother cousins as we're similar age, in our 30's) to let her know she'd turn up, we talk and I'd take her home. It lasted about 3 months, turns out it was all anxiety around exams, bullying in school and feeling a bit lost in life. She's 18 now, going to uni in September and is enjoying life.

All my family and friends know when I'm at work, they're mostly working themselves.
When I'm not at work, the kettle is always on with a welcome. My door is always open.

I have keys to my parents but would never just turn up because they have lives of their own, and shouldn't have to stop what they are doing to wait on me without any say about it.

Honestly, I think it's rude to turn up on anyone unannounced and expect a welcome.

My sister in law tells amusing stories about the times she has turned up unannounced with the grandchildren and my parents were in the middle of redecorating, had no water or functional toilet because of plumbing work, were in the midst of having sex, already had visitors, or my mum was sunbathing topless, waxing her mustache, or baking large quantities for a charity event. She seems to think that people are simply sitting there waiting for visitors.

I will never understand unannounced visitors. What if you’re having sex, or in the shower, or Skyping someone who lives far away or something?!

Well then you wouldn't answer, or in the case of Skyping someone you'd aske them to hang on whilst you answer the door and either let the person in and say you are just busy for 10 mins if they want to go through and put the kettle on, or you say Sorry, can't chat now, I'm in the middle of something.
No issue.
If you pop by on the off chance then you know there is every possibility it might not be convenient

What if you are working
It is going to depend what I am doing, and who it is at the door. Some things I do at work, I can just have a break then and carry on working a bit later, other things I'd say Sorry, I'm working at the moment, can we meet up next Friday? or whatever.

*It's rude"

you need to add, "in your opinion". Many of us think it is nice. We think it is friendly. We think it really brightens up the day to have a cuppa or even a doorstep chat with someone we hadn't been expecting. It is entirely subjective.

people should give notice

For me, that makes it into a much more formal occasion - with an expectation you will tidy your house up a bit, or get some biscuits in, or be 100% available to "host" them at the appointed time. Whereas - as others have said - sometimes when someone close pops in, they join in with whatever you were doing, or they chat whilst you carry on.

Yes. Absolutely. I love family dropping by. A friend dropped by with her kids the other day and it made me really happy that she felt comfortable enough to do so.

Someone came round when we were having sex once.

When we didn't answer the door but both cars were there she rang my mobile, which rang loudly in the hallway a few feet from the front door. Then she rang someone from our doorstep to say we weren't answering the door to her.

Definitely people I need to ask here. I don't let people in if they haven't pre arranged it,

It's boundaries isn't it? Some people have them. My definition of a good friend would include respecting mine.

I’ve never once had anyone turn up unannounced! Sometimes a friend will send a text saying they’re close by, do we fancy a visit in a bit .. that sort of thing. Don’t live close to either set of families, but even if we did I can’t imagine popping in unless we lived next door.

They are welcome to when they know I'm not working, yes.

They don't but they know I'm perfectly happy to get a knock on the door at the weekend as long as it's after 11am. My boundaries are clear. Knock on my door before 11am and I kill you. 😁

I find it amazing that people just turn up. That said I live over an hour from my mum so I wouldn't want to drive that far and her be busy! (I have keys) my own children (at university) tell me when they will be home if nothing else it's for catering purposes. I've never had relatives nearby

My family can, they stop by for a cuppa at an appropriate time, have a lovely chat and are gone in under an hour.

My in-laws 100% have to make an appointment now. They’ve been known to show up in the middle of the week, during work hours and we are both WFH. They then sit sullenly on the sofa talking about themselves (their record is 5 hours!), whilst we run around in turns making tea for them.

Last time they tried it, I don’t think I successfully kept the horror off my face when I opened the front door, I was expecting a parcel and got a shock. I managed to get them out of the house in under 20 minutes. DH has now told them they should text before they come to see if it’s convenient. I think they’ve taken great offence thankfully, and haven’t been back since.

I would hate it if someone just turned up unannounced, I'd feel anxious about it and would feel pressured to abondon any plans I had.

I think it depends. None of my family lives within 50 miles, so we always check if someone is going to be in before visiting. Nearby friends occasionally just drop by, but most call first.

Depends on conflict levels really

my brother always shouting at his kids, they all fight etc.

I hate having them around and always need notice. We’re laid back and calm and find the conflict and sniping really draining.

Hate it. It’s just the assumption that you can drop everything and have a chat. I like a bit of notice - it doesn’t have to be much - a quick message saying, ‘just popping round in 15 minutes’ is enough to either give the place a quick tidy or reply ‘can you leave it to 4pm. I have to pick up the kids from school’.

Mine live hours away so it it involves staying over, so we do arrange in advance. If they lived closer, I wouldn’t mind at all, but probably wouldn’t want them showing up every day 😂!

Yes, my family ie brothers, sisters, nephews, nieces. They are always welcome and take us as they find us.

I don't have a partner though and doubt I would be as relaxed with in laws.

Recently ex was collecting ds so I said come after 5pm, I have a video-call 4-5 with a big govt customer. He turned up at 4.10 so I ignored him & left him in the garden.

Turning up when you know you aren't welcome is really rude and controlling, which I suppose is why he's an ex.🙂

Why are people so weirdly persistent!? My MIL is like your visitor - turns up unannounced and if we don't answer will try the door (has wandered up the stairs in the past!). If it's locked she'll call and call and call. She'll peer through letterbox and try round the back if she can! She's even brought people with her and done it. It's soo weird and invasive! Nobody's entitled to be let in just because there's a car on the drive 🙈