Feeling low about money, not sure what to do

[Pofl]

I know people are worse off so please don’t bite my head off.

I bought a house in June and was in a happy relationship which has since broken down. He’s moved out. This is leaving me with a huge mortgage of 900 a month and dc who is 6mo.

it’s not been amicable although I have tried. He’s not spoken about money and said he wants a solicitor to be in touch with me about that. He’s a high earner so maybe he’s worried I don’t know. Not that I was trying to claim all sorts I’m just worried now about money.

I feel stressed anyway as I know I could go via cms but he could just pay 40k straight until pension. So that would then make him worst case down to 60k. Although I suspect he’s had a pay rise recently to beyond 120k.

im just so worried. Even if he paid 400 a month I think i will have to lose my job as how would I pay for nursery down the line along with heating costs. I just feel sick. Barely slept for days now.

plese don’t suggest a lodger as it’s just not possible with the baby at the moment.

I went from a high earning job to now probably going to lose it.

I agree, but it’s OK. It’s normal and natural to feel panicky if you are on your own with a baby and shit dad. Recognise that it’s an emotional time and that a lot of your stress is the very real response to a horrible situation.

finances are going to look very different than pre-baby, but the numbers are fine and will stack up for you, even if your ex doesn’t pay up. However, he should be made up to pay for his child. Get a solicitor. You need one.

Do a budget for all of your bills. Then start to look at what’s fixed, and where you can cut back. I’m a widowed parent, with no childcare costs and low housing costs, but if I plug your childcare and housing costs into my budget, it comes out at £3238 a month. That includes a few kid’s extra curriculars and small luxuries like pocket money, NT membership and a couple of hundred pounds petcare. Of course, your costs will be different to mine, but there’s slack there. I’m happy to post my budget if it helps?

@Eeksteek thanks. Why do I need a solicitor?

Ignore him. It's all about control for him. Be matter of fact with him if he contacts you.

He doesn't get to decide what he'll pay. If he tries to say the baby isn't his then he can get a dna test. He's just trying to fuck with you. What a shit guy.

It sounds like he was being a shitty partner and dad and you had every right to be annoyed about his drinking. None of this screams 'great dad'.

And go through cms op. If he has a solicitor try to contact you with a private arrangement just tell them you're going through cms, as you have every right to.

If you have claimed child benefit if you earn over £50000 remember the higher income charge.Remember you can just opt out.
But claiming might make claiming tax free childcare easier.

Can you rent out your house and move in with family/ somewhere cheaper short term?

@MintJulia you dont get child benefit on 70k. It

Have you thought about getting an aupair?

An au pair can’t do full time childcare for a baby

Although I suspect he’s had a pay rise recently to beyond 120k.

How much beyond 120k do you think he’s risen to @Pofl

If it’s over 156k then CMS won’t deal with it - it would be a court order. That could be why he’s mentioned solicitors.

Theres nothing to stop you opening a claim with CMS. Get the ball rolling and go from there.

Dont let him bully you into a low amount out of panic - which the longer it takes the more panicked you’ll be and he probably knows this.

As previous posters have said write down all your expenses, things like Netflix tv etc can be cut.

yes Nursey might be 1250 a month but you will qualify for the govt tax free childcare aspect. This will knock about 140 off a month I reckon ( as there is a cap after a certain amount).

if you are frugal it’s very much doable

Even if not particularly frugal, the budget even without maintenance is doable.

When you add maintenance, then the op really does not have to worry unless spectacularly bad with money.

@JustLyra no not over 150 possibly 130 max I just don’t know for sure

If you have your own house and warm 70k don’t think about renting. Keep your mortgage. Even if you have to downsize, def don’t rent.

Go through CMS. It's not up to him to decide how much he pays you.
If he's on the birth certificate he can't deny the baby to start with - he'd need to prove he's not the father.
£70k you'll be fine.

Is this a wind up??

Don’t worry, you’ll be fine that’s a good wage.
try budget without relying on a high maintenance allowance, as this isn’t a guarantee. Try get his access days on days you need childcare.
look at different mortgage options to reduce payments while you get back on your feet and over the separation.
keep track on spending and budget. You’ll be fine!

Im sorry OP what a horrible thing for him to walk out and be so cruel and unpleasant. You are struggling because as pp said you've been blindsided, and now you're faced with planning a future you never expected to have. But it will be ok. In the long run, you don't want this nasty man in your life.

One reason to get a solicitor is to stop your agreeing to something ludicrous just to shut your ex up, to get a quick resolution, or because you are in emotional pain and can't think straight.

If you don't want a solicitor now: Tell your ex you will communicate by email only. If his solicitor sends a letter to you, take a photo of it and email it back to solicitor and your ex saying, "I have received your solicitor's letter on DD.mm.yyyy and I will reply on the detail contained in that letter in due course." Reply to the solicitor only by email and always cc your ex. Keep all the emails exchanged. Don't agree to ANYTHING significant without getting advice.

The contact side of things - maybe you can text him to say you support him having 1 hour of contact with his child under your direct supervision three times a week at a mutually pre-agreed convenient time, and this arrangement could be revised when the child is 18months old. The place of contact could be at his place or a public place if you don't want him in your home. Then don't think about that side of things any further until he replies.

I think your finances will be okay based on everything you've said.

Get the CMS claim going right away.

Take the £5k from family as a loan - use that to fund yourself while waiting for the CMS claim to come through (ie while exDP argues his paternity).

The practical side of having a baby and working full time can be hard. What is your job like if you need time off when your baby is sick etc? Is your place of work near the nursery?

Remember you do have a right to request flexible working formally, but many employers will accommodate you informally too.

Last thought- sounds like you have a great family. Any chance you could move in with them for a year and let your house? Would solve a bunch of problems.

What a dreadful shock for you, I'm so sorry. I'm sure in time, given your descriptions of him, you'll look back and think you're well shot of him. In the meantime, I would suggest -

1. Contact CMS to get the ball rolling on maintenance. He cannot set the amount himself! He is trying to throw his weight around and scare you.
2. Set up a folder in your emails and keep a copy of anything you receive from him .
3. Lean on friends and family. It sounds like you have a great support system. Accept help, see people regularly, take care of your mental health.
4. Can you let your house for a year and live with family for a year in order to get things more formalised?
5. Contact your work and explain that when you return to work you will need flexibility as the parent providing primary care.
6. Contact local nurseries and childminders and compare costs/set-ups you're more comfortable with. Set up your tax free childcare account.
7. Use Google sheets or excel to set up a budget. I find it really helpful and gives me something to aim for each month.

Best of luck OP. You will be fine. Take care of yourself

My thoughts too.

Right, let CMS sort it out then.

Contact them and let them deal with the maintenance.

if he wants contact then let him ask for it. Don’t chase it.

if he wants to talk about either maintenance or contact don’t agree to anything. Everything should be “ill think about that and get back to you”. Don’t let him bully you into agreeing on less than you’re due.

Is your mortgage 25 years? Ask the company if they will stretch it to a 35 or 40 year,that'll reduce payments now ans you can overpay when you're past the expensive childcare years to bring tue term down again

OP has a baby and a new house. She was clearly planning for the long term with her partner. He has walked out on her and is treating her like shit. She's clearly in an emotionally vulnerable place, having become a single mum. In addition, she has gone from a joint income of £170k (which presumably was what she thought she'd be rearing her child on and paying the mortgage from) to an income of £70k, which is a drop of almost 60%. That is huge and will be very, very noticeable for OP. Of course she will be fine, and indeed better off than many people, even without maintenance. She acknowledges that and I feel is also beginning to realise that she is panicking. Have some empathy, rather than hating on the OP for being wealthy🙁

OP, look after yourself. Speak to your GP to see if there's any counseling and possibly even to get some sleeping pills. Look into mindfulness and as per pp, lean on your support network. I'd also take the £5k from your family, £2.5k off childcare until the free hours kick in will make a huge difference! You do need to start cooking though😊

Hi @Pofl

Sorry to read you are going through such an awful time.

I recently went through a separation and now left with a mortgage of £1500 per month and a two children 8&2. I have a similar salary.

Depending on what he wants for the house to settle (I'm guessing there's not huge equity if you only purchased in June) although you may have funded this home with a previous,

On a similar salary, I took over the mortgage and settled him. I have a child with a childminder (cheaper than nursery) for 4 days a week and my mum helps on the 5th. My eldest does after school club twice a week and I work condensed hours on the remaining two.

Your mortgage is £600 less than mine, if I can do it with two children, im sure you can! All is not lost!

First thing first, look at any financial leakage, any debt repayments you can clear with savings. Pay them off. Claim 25% discount on c/tax. Put in claim for CMS. Start the transfer of equity proceedings.

My ex earns £40k per year and pays me £570 per month for two children. Mortgage companies can consider this as an income as long as there's a solid record. Speed is of essence.

Then, start looking for childminders. September is a good time as children move on to school. You may have to return sooner than you'd like but needs must.

You can do it!

My little one was 15mos old when he left, 2 weeks before Christmas. I completed on 10th August!