Feeling low about money, not sure what to do

[Pofl]

I know people are worse off so please don’t bite my head off.

I bought a house in June and was in a happy relationship which has since broken down. He’s moved out. This is leaving me with a huge mortgage of 900 a month and dc who is 6mo.

it’s not been amicable although I have tried. He’s not spoken about money and said he wants a solicitor to be in touch with me about that. He’s a high earner so maybe he’s worried I don’t know. Not that I was trying to claim all sorts I’m just worried now about money.

I feel stressed anyway as I know I could go via cms but he could just pay 40k straight until pension. So that would then make him worst case down to 60k. Although I suspect he’s had a pay rise recently to beyond 120k.

im just so worried. Even if he paid 400 a month I think i will have to lose my job as how would I pay for nursery down the line along with heating costs. I just feel sick. Barely slept for days now.

plese don’t suggest a lodger as it’s just not possible with the baby at the moment.

I went from a high earning job to now probably going to lose it.

Hi OP!

Our joint take home pay is £3500 and then we get £145 child benefit. Our childcare bill for two children is £1000 for three days. Our mortgage is £720 but we pay full council tax and obviously buy food for four people. Your income is £160 more than ours and your nursery and mortgage together are £430 more, so you're £270 worse off. However, you will get a 25% discount on your council tax and your food bill should be significantly less than ours, so that goes quite a long way towards that £270. After bills, food and setting money aside for annual expenses (e.g. mot, travel insurance) we usually have about £300 a month left. Not loads, but doable, especially as we know childcare costs will go down as the children get older. Very long-winded way of saying that you will be fine. You will probably have to get used to a different life style from the one you were used to, but I really don't think it's panic territory by any stretch! If your ex contributes (go the legal route if necessary) you'll be quite comfortable. Do you have savings? Are you aware of the Tax Free Childcare scheme? This saves 20% on childcare costs. The term after baby turns 3 you will be entitled to 30 hours free during term time, which should bring the costs down significantly. Try to disentangle the money worries from other emotions about the breakup of your relationship. Good luck!

Even if he pays so much into his pension to reduce to £60k, he will still need to pay around £550 per month. If he is earning £120k which you think and pays £20k into his pension, he will need to pay £865 per month.

From your figures take home of 3680 plus at least 550 cms is £4230.

Nursery 1000 (after tax free element)
Mortgage 900
Energy 600 (taking a high figure)
Water 70
Council tax 250
Mobile phone 50
Tv/internet 50
Insurances 200

Total £3120

Obvs i have guessed those figures but if they are somewhere near, you will see that there is still over £1100 remaining even with the lower amount of cms.

I would have thought that should easily cover commuting, food etc

The panic is really clear from your posts. Do a spreadsheet of all the figues using what you think is the lowest cms you would receive. You will feel better when you can see that you can manage

It it’s your house and he’s not on the deeds mortgage then that’s brilliant because you won’t have to remortgage or sell to buy him out so you have a secure roof over your head

put in a claim for child support

and then ignore him take him out of the picture

on 70k you will be fine it’s pretty much double the average wage

claim for everything you can even if you don’t get it now you may get it later in terms of childcare

OP I am so sorry you are having a hard time, but you have to take this in hand. Talk to friends and family and relevant professionals to get some perspective. You are both good earners, financially this is not a disaster, what is imperative is you get back to work.

Do not let yourself descend into a spiral of fear, you simply can’t afford to, and you owe it to yourself and your child not to. It’s tough, but get a grip on yourself.

Talk to a solicitor on Monday, many will take payment as part of settlement, so you won’t have to pay up front.

You need to pay nursery fees, so you cannot just accept whatever from him, you have to get the max you can, and hopefully he will pay more.

Also call step change, they will help you work out your budget so you can explain the uplifts you need.

CAB will help you work out what benefits you are entitled to.

You can put the house on the market and negotiate reduced payments in the meantime, extend your mortgage - or - once you have worked out your money you may well find you can afford it.

I agree with everyone, you've got this. Don't panic. I am a single parent and I early 20K less than you and I manage fine. I don't have identical costs, because mine are teens, one university age, but I have to find £££ to support them at uni and pay all food costs, bills and everything. I can do it. There are some ways you can cut your bills, get a different car, and rationalise your spending. Plus I don't have a father involved at all so no CM whereas you will get some.

You are just panicking and whilst this is very emotionally hard, you can make this work.

You're panicking and that's totally understandable, what you're going through is horrible.

Firstly, know your worth. Sounds like you have a well paid job so are probably a strong woman!

Secondly, he sounds horrible and you're better without him. Don't let him dictate - get on to the child maintenance people asap. He can try and stall all he wants but I'm guessing his name on the birth certificate and they won't let him get away with it. Fuck him and his solicitor.

If you have £1500 after mortgage and childcare you will be fine. Learn to cook though, it will save you a fortune.

The energy prices rising is scary but the media is stirring panic.

You'll get council tax relief and make sure you claim for child benefits. It's like £20 a week but it will help. Try and stay in work if you can, think long term too and paying in to your pension etc.

Appreciate you've just bought but that doesn't mean you can't look to downsize already but one thing at a time.

Do you have family and friends who can support you through this?

You also need Legal advice try and find a solicitor who can offer you a free half hour where they explain everything and break down costs. Then you can decide how to proceed from a legal standpoint

If you are earning £70k a year you should be absolutely fine with a £900 a month mortgage

Our rent is £850 and we only earn £46-49k between us and we have 2 kids

It all seems very overwhelming I'm sure but on that salary you will be more than ok I assure you

Regarding childcare you need to take advantage of the HMRC 20% tax free childcare scheme too

There are people on a lot less managing just hang on in there

@Winceybincey i didn’t know that about childcare that’s amazing!!! Thank you

If family are offering you £5,000 why don’t you use that for a solicitor?

Have you contacted CMS? If not I advise you get on that ASAP. It takes a few weeks to sort out and it will ease your worries as you will be able to budget maintenance into your household budget. Also, as your on maternity leave, there is a chance you may be entitled to universal credit. I would put a claim in anyway, worst thing they can say is your not entitled. You also need to contact council tax and get the 25% single person discount.

The more time it takes for you to sort out the above, the more stressed and anxious you will be.

If you can take a mortgage holiday for 3 months, that will save you £2700 which you can put to one side - I get the impression for your posts you might feel happier if you had some emergency savings.

Our mortgage is £750 a month for quite a large house (mentioning that as obviously bills are higher), our household income is £60k, and we also not struggling any way at all, we go on holidays, we have 2 cars etc.
Your ex will have to pay child maintenance, I honestly think you will survive this.
Try not to do anything rash like quitting work.

If he said he would deny being the father then he will not be amicable, because he is a Grade A Shitbag.

Go through the CMS. Apply today. I think on your wage you will be ok. If you can grit your teeth and get through the next couple of years until free nursery hours/school you will be so glad you stayed in work. It sounds like you have a successful career & are a strong and capable woman. My dad left my mum when I was a similar age and her career meant we never had to depend on him for anything and we had a comfortable life.

He has blindsided you and you are reeling but you can get through this op. It will be ok 💐

Unless I am missing something, you don't need a solicitor. The house is in your name. He only lived in it for maybe weeks? And by going through a solicitor, it's to manipulate you into agreeing what he believes what maintenance he should pay. Do not do that! Go through CMS. They calculate based on his wage and do yearly reviews based on his wage.

As for claiming child/ren aren't his, does he think the people in CMS were born yesterday. They have heard that pathetic excuse before. All that will happen is he will end up with a big backdated debt to pay when the DNA results come through to prove he is the dad and he does need to pay maintenance.

The best thing you can do is stop contacting him and stop listening to him and sort yourself and your children out. Get your 25% council tax discount in place. Contact CMS today (tell them how plans to hold things up.) And look at all the other advice you have been given on here and start getting things in place.

I get your worried, but listening to him and doing nothing is only going to worry you further. Get a notepad and start writing a to do list the now and start working on it today and in the meantime have no contact with him.

Did he pay for any of the house?

If you are not married then you won't need a solicitor unless he decides to seek child contact. However a man who says he will dispute paternity to avoid paying for his child is unlikely going for contact.

You maybe struggling with the person he has become but unfortunately this is the real him. How long were you together?

Others, myself included, went through similar with a highly narcisstic individual. No matter how much I tried to be amicable he wouldn't let it happen. The reason was because he had to avoid responsibility for what he had done and paint himself as the victim and me the villain. This might be what is happening to you.

If you have 70k and a 5k savings you should be completely fine. Everyone struggles with less money when they have small children due to childcare costs but it's only for a few years and it gets much easier.

Correct me if I’m wrong but those posters advising claiming for child benefit are incorrect as the OP earns over £50k?

I am also a single parent, I earn significantly less and have a mortgage of £450. The unreserved years were hard but the tax free childcare helped a lot. I also dropped a day and worked longer hours on the other 4 days and my mum had my dd for a day so I only paid for 3 days.
Once she started school I went back to full time with wrap around care which is far cheaper!

You will be ok, everyone is scared about the energy crisis but it all depends on how much energy you are using.
Yes the standing charge is unavoidable but I am a low user, nothing is left on standby apart from the fridge, router, and tv. I’ve bought electric blankets and throws as that is cheaper than putting the heating on. I co slept with dd when she was little and that would help with hearing costs, only heat one bedroom instead of two.
I use a slow cooker in the winter instead of heating up an oven and I just bought a Ninja Foodie which cooks in half the time = less energy.

Do you have any practical family support locally? My mum was a godsend and when things were tight she would buy dd clothes, toys etc and it made a massive difference.

You will be ok, do not give up your job, if your ex is on the birth certificate he has to pay for his child. Do you think he will want access?

You'll be fine!

You'll get childcare vouchers. And will be due tax back from maternity leave.

Your fuel won't be £6k if you and baby are out m-f 8-6.

If you are really worried you can suspend paying pension for a couple of years. It's only for 2 years until nursery discount kicks in.

You'll also get single person council tax discount.

*unreserved = nursery

No, the OP does not need a solicitor so this would be a waste of money.

OP you own the house in your sole name so he has no claim there. Lodge your claim with CMS TODAY, if he is on the birth certificate he will have to pay from now until he can prove he’s not the father (which obviously won’t happen). If he’s not on the birth certificate he will have to back pay you from the date of your claim when it’s proven he is the father. He will also be billed for the DNA test.

He is saying these things to frighten you, call his bluff and get your claim lodged right away, he has no legal recourse to worm his way out of paying, he’s just trying to intimidate you into agreeing to a lower amount. The very worst he can do is pay 40k into his pension, but I think this is hugely unlikely and even if he did you would still be entitled to a decent monthly amount from him. You will be fine, please don’t let him bully you into giving up your job.

Don’t take this the wrong way but single parents physically manage to do this on a wage nowhere close to yours- so it’s more than doable, your just panicking (which is understandable) but doesn’t make it not doable, you can do it-70k is a massive wage!!

@Beefcurtains79 for what though? To discuss finance with him?

@YaWeeFurryBastard thank you. It’s all been really upsetting. He said I was a bitch to him in pregnancy and then after dc born I wasn’t coping well and did snap at him a lot and got angry at him for having too much to drink after work, I was a bit high maintenance I think. But he didn’t need to be like this. I’ve literally said to him just tell me what you want to pay for now and let’s go from there. I don’t know why he wants to make it so awful.

@Biscuitandacuppa thank you. I’ve been lucky that clothes etc are not a problem and all bought by family mostly

as to access, he won’t tell me. I wouldn’t stop him but I would be absolutely amazed if he wanted them overnight. He spends 90% of his time working even when we were living together so I can’t imagine him wanting dc on his own overnight.

it Is making me stressed he wont talk about whether he wants to see dc though

@Pofl my dd doesn’t have overnights with her dad either, he sees her for 4 hours once a week on a rolling 4 week on 4 week off pattern. The circumstances are different obviously but dd isn’t (at the moment) questioning of why she doesn’t see him more/have overnights despite the fact her best friend has a 50:50 access arrangement.
She just accepts that her dad has a very full on job and can’t see her more often. I honestly don’t think she would have been massively affected if he hadn’t maintained contact because she was a baby when he left and doesn’t have memories of us living together.